Jokes and Trivia for May 13, 2013

For beautiful eyes, look for the good in others; for beautiful lips, speak only words of kindness; and for poise, walk with the knowledge that you are never alone. – Audrey Hepburn

FOR TODAY – MAY 13th – MONDAY

133rd day of 2013 with 232 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

* Leprechaun Day

* Frog Jumping Day

* Tulip Day

* National Blood Pressure Month

* Foster Care Month

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

  • 1857 Sir Ronald Ross, England, pathologist, discovered malarial parasite (Nobel 1902)
  • 1907 Daphne du Maurier, English author (Rebecca, Jamaica Inn, The Birds, Don’t Look Now)
  • 1914 Joe Louis, La Fayette, Alabama, world heavyweight boxing champion (1937-49)
  • 1926 Beatrice Arthur, New York City, New York, actress (Maude, Dorothy-Golden Girls)
  • 1937 Roger Zelazny, Euclid, Ohio, sci-fi author (6 Hugos, Chronicles of Amber, Lord of Light, Damnation Alley)
  • 1938 Francine Pascal, American author (Sweet Valley series)
  • 1944 Armistead Maupin, Washington, D.C., author (Tales of the City novels, Maybe the Moon, Night Listener)
  • 1947 Stephen R Donaldson, Cleveland, Ohio, sci-fi author (Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever; The Gap Cycle)
  • 1950 Stevie Wonder, Saginaw, Michigan, singer/songwriter (I Just Called To Say I Love You, Superstition, You are The Sunshine of My Life, My Cherie Amour)
  • 1964 Ronnie Coleman, Bastrop, Louisiana, professional bodybuilder (8 straight wins as Mr. Olympia, 26 IFBB professional wins)
  • 1964 Stephen Colbert, Washington DC, satirist, comedian and actor (The Colbert Report)
  • 1965 Tasmin Little, English violinist (string section finalist in the 1982 BBC Young Musician of the Year competition)
  • 1987 Candice Accola, Houston, Texas, actress (The Vampire Diaries)
  • 1987 Carrie Prejean, San Diego, California, model (2009 Miss California USA)

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Always keep an open mind and a compassionate heart. – Phil Jackson

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1637 Table knife was created by Cardinal Richelieu in France.
  • 1787 Arthur Phillip sets sails with the First Fleet, 11 ships full of convicts, to establish a penal colony in Australia.
  • 1821 First practical and successful printing press to be built in America patented by Samuel Rust of New York City.
  • 1846 US declares war on Mexico, 2 months after fighting begins.
  • 1873 Sewing machine lamp holder patent (No. 138,831) by Ludwig M. Wolf of Avon, CT, which was introduced by the Singer Sewing Machine Co. in 1876.
  • 1884 American Institute of Electrical Engineers (AIEE) formed.
  • 1890 Patent for an electric generator (No. 428,057) issued to Nikola Tesla.
  • 1913 First 4 engine aircraft flown by Igor Sikorsky of Russia.
  • 1940 Germany’s conquest of France begins; Churchill makes his “blood, toil, tears, and sweat” speech to the House of Commons.
  • 1949 First gas turbine to pump natural gas installed at Wilmar, Arkansas, by the Mississippi River Fuel Corp.
  • 1958 Velcro trade mark is registered.
  • 1958 The first and only person to circumnavigate the world by amphibious vehicle, Ben Carlin, travelled over 11,000 miles (17,000 kilometres) by sea and 39,000 miles (62,000 kilometres) by land over a ten-year period.
  • 1981 Pope John Paul II shot, wounded by assailant in St Peter’s Square.
  • 1989 Approximately 2,000 students begin hunger strike in Tiananmen Square, China.
  • 1994 Johnny Carson makes his last television appearance on Late Show with David Letterman.

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A man goes into the doctor.

He says, “Doc, you gotta check my leg. Something’s wrong. Just put your ear up to my thigh, you’ll hear it!”

The doctor cautiously placed his ear to the man’s thigh, only to hear, “Gimme 20 bucks. I really need 20 bucks.”

“I’ve never seen or heard anything like this before. How long has this been going on?” The doctor asked.

“That’s nothing Doc. Put your ear to my knee.”

The doctor put his ear to the man’s knee and heard it say, “Man, I really need 10 dollars. Just lend me 10 bucks!!”

“Sir, I really don’t know what to tell you. I’ve never seen anything like this.” The doctor was dumbfounded.

“Wait Doc, that’s not all. There’s more, just put your ear up to my ankle,” the man urged him.   The doctor did as the man said and was blown away to hear his ankle plead, “Please, I just need 5 dollars. Lend me 5 bucks, please, if you will.”

“I have no idea what to tell you. There’s nothing about it in my books,” he said, as he frantically searched all his medical reference books.

“I can make a well educated guess though,” he continued. “Based on life and all my previous experience, I can tell you that your leg seems to be broke in three places.”

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As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: “And get ME a coke…NOW!”   The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot’s attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: “Get me another coke or I’ll really create a scene!”

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee.   Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I’ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!”

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards.   Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: “You’re pretty cheeky for a guy who can’t fly!”

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ONE-LINERS : Newly Issued Alcohol Warnings

The American Board of Health has proposed that warning signs be placed on all alcohol bottles to tip off drinkers about the possible peril of drinking a pint or two of any alcoholic beverage.

1. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to wake up with a breath that could knock a buzzard off a wreaking dead animal that is one hundred yards away.

2. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is a major factor in dancing like an idiot.

3. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the same boring story over and over again until your friends want to assault you

4. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to thay shings like thish.

5. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may cause you to tell the boss what you really think of him.

6. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol is the leading cause of inexplicable rug burn on the forehead.

7. WARNING: Consumption of alcohol may create the illusion that you are tougher, handsomer and smarter than some really, really big guy named Psycho Bob.

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There was a man driving down the road behind an 18 wheeler, at every stoplight the trucker would get out of the cab, run back and bang on the trailer door. After seeing this at several intersections in a row the motorist followed him until he pulled into a parking lot.

When they both had come to a stop the truck driver once again jumped out and started banging on the trailer door. The motorist went up to him and said, “I don’t mean to be nosey but why do you keep banging on that door?”

To which the trucker replied, “Sorry, can’t talk now, I have 20 tons of canaries and a 10 ton limit, so I have to keep half of them flying at all times.”

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pic of the day: Goat in field of yellow flowers. . .

 goat in field of yellow flowers

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

 

There was a chicken farmer who lived in a village in China. One year, his chickens were afflicted with a strange blight that caused them to lose their feathers. The farmer was deeply concerned about this, because winter was coming, and, if the chickens had no feathers, they would freeze to death. So, the farmer decided to consult the two wisest men in the land.

First, he visited Mr. Hing, the renowned scholar. Mr. Hing leafed through all his agricultural and medicinal texts and pored over books and scrolls well into the night. Finally, he returned to the farmer and told him that, if he crushed the leaves of a gum tree into powder, made it into tea, and fed it to his chickens, they would be cured.

The farmer then went to Mr. Ming, the great seer. Mr. Ming cast stones, read tea leaves, and poked through entrails until finally he came up with the answer: “As surely as gum causes a shoe to stick to the ground, tea made from gum leaves will cause feathers to stick to chickens.”Now the farmer was ecstatic. The two wisest men in the land had given him exactly the same prescription. So, as soon as he returned home, he took some gum leaves and made tea from them. He mixed this with the chicken feed and fed it to his chickens. But it didn’t work. The chickens continued to lose their feathers, and, with the onset of winter, they all froze. The moral of this story: “All of Hing’s courses and all of Ming’s ken couldn’t get gum tea to feather a hen.”

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A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: “You’re our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor.”

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely see over the dashboard. As they were cruising along they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself “I must be losing it, I could have sworn we just went through a red light.”

After a few more minutes they came to another intersection and the light was red again and again they went right though. This time the woman in the passenger seat was almost sure that the light had been red but was really concerned that she was losing it. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention to the road and the next intersection to see what was going on.

At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they went right through and she turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know we just ran through three red lights in a row! You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh, am I driving?”

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Police in Oakland, California spent two hours attempting to subdue a gunman who had barricaded himself inside his home.

After firing ten tear gas canisters, officers discovered that the man was standing beside them in the police line, shouting, “Please come out and give yourself up.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: About Leprechauns

~ A leprechaun is a type of fairy in Irish folklore, usually taking the form of an old man, clad in a red or green coat, who enjoys partaking in mischief.

~ Leprechauns are called fairy cobblers, for they make shoes for elves (but always one shoe, never a pair). They are seen quite often by humans and are described as merry little fellows gaily dressed in old-fashioned clothes; green, with a red cap, leather apron, and buckled shoes.

~ The name leprechaun is derived from the Gaelic luacharma’n, “pygmy”; or leith brogan “maker of one shoe”.

~ They are also described as one of a race of elves in Irish folklore who can reveal hidden treasure to those who catch them.

~ Leprechauns have been linked to the Tuatha Dé Danann of Irish mythology, or the “peoples of the goddess Danu”.

~ Each leprechaun is said to have a pot of gold, either buried in secret places only they can reach; or hidden at the end of the rainbow. If you catch a leprechaun he will lead you to his pot of gold and give it to you as a bribe to let him go.

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LIFE LESSON: Optimism is the faith that leads to achievement. Nothing can be done without hope and confidence. – Helen Keller

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QUIP OF THE DAY: My math book recently saw a psychiatrist — it kept complaining that it had too many problems.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

THE LAST WORD:

“You’ve gotta dance like there’s nobody watching,
Love like you’ll never be hurt,
Sing like there’s nobody listening,
And live like it’s heaven on earth.”
― William W. Purkey

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