Jokes and Trivia for February 22, 2013

Nothing is good or bad, but thinking makes it so. – William Shakespeare

TODAY – FEBRUARY 22nd – FRIDAY

53rd day of 2013 with 312 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*George Washington’s birthday

*World Thinking Day

*Walking the Dog Day

* Be Humble Day

* National Margarita Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1732 George Washington, Westmoreland Co. Virginia, 1st American President (1789-97).
  • 1778 Rembrandt Peale, Bucks Co., Pennsylvania, artist (George Washington, Thomas Jefferson paintings)
  • 1857 Heinrich Hertz, German physicist, 1st to broadcast & receive radio waves
  • 1857 Lord Robert Baden-Powell, English founder of Boy Scouts
  • 1889 Olave Baden-Powell, English founder of the Girl Guide (Girl Scouts)
  • 1892 Edna St Vincent Millay, Rockland, Maine, poet/writer/feminist (Harp Weaver-Pulitzer Prize)
  • 1907 Robert Young, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Father Knows Best, Marcus Welby MD)
  • 1913 Buddy Tate, Chandler, Arizona, tenor jazz saxophonist (Big Band & Jazz Hall of Fame)
  • 1918 Robert Wadlow, Alton, Illinois, tallest human being at 8 ft. 11.1 inches (2.72m)
  • 1932 Ted Kennedy, Boston, Massachusetts, politician (former Senator Mass.)
  • 1948 John Ashton, Springfield, Massachusetts, actor (M*A*S*H, Midnight Run, Dallas, Beverly Hills Cop, Little Big League)
  • 1950 Julius Erving, Roosevelt, New York, basketball player (Dr. J)
  • 1952 Bill Frist, Nashville, Tennessee, physician, businessman, U.S. senator from Tennessee
  • 1959 Kyle MacLachlan, Yakimac Washington, actor (Paul Atreides in Dune, Twin Peaks, Desperate Housewives)
  • 1962 Steve Irwin, Australian herpetologist – The Crocodile Hunter (d. 2006)
  • 1968 Jeri Ryan, Germany (dad in US Army), actress (7 of 9/ST Voyager, Shark, Leverage, Boston Public, Body of Proof)
  • 1975 Drew Barrymore, CA, actress (ET, Firestarter, Poison Ivy, Altered States)
  • 1986 Miko Hughes, Apple Valley CA, actor (Mercury Rising, Full House, Apollo 13)

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Live your life as though there is great joy to be experienced. – Meladee McCarty

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  •  1371 Robert II became King of Scotland, beginning the Stuart dynasty.
  • 1856 Republican Party opens its first national meeting in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania.
  • 1821 Spain sells (east) Florida to United States for $5 million by proclamation of Adams-Onis Treaty.
  • 1879 First 5¢ & 10¢ store opened by Frank W Woolworth in Utica NY.
  • 1889 President Cleveland signs bill to admit Dakotas, Montana & Washington as states.
  • 1924 Calvin Coolidge first President of US to deliver a radio broadcast from the White House.
  • 1956 Elvis Presley’s first hit in Billboard’s top 10 “Heartbreak Hotel”.
  • 1959 First Daytona 500 auto race – Lee Petty wins (135.521 MPH).
  • 1974 Samuel Byck tries and fails to assassinate U.S. President Richard Nixon.
  • 1980 US ice hockey team defeats Soviet Union team at 1980 Winter Olympic Games in an upset dubbed the “Miracle on Ice”.
  • 1997 In Roslin, Scotland, scientists announce that an adult sheep named Dolly had been successfully cloned.

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A woman in a supermarket was following a grandfather and his badly behaved 3-year-old grandson. It’s obvious to her that he has his hands full with the child screaming for sweets in the sweet aisle, cookies in the cookie aisle, and for fruit, cereal and soda in the other aisles.

Meanwhile, Granddad is working his way around, saying in a controlled voice, “Easy, William, we won’t be long, easy, boy.”

Another outburst, and she hears the granddad calmly say, “It’s okay, William, just a couple more minutes and we’ll be out of here. Hang in there, boy.”

At the checkout, the little terror is throwing items out of the cart, and Granddad says again in a controlled voice, “William, William, relax buddy, don’t get upset. We’ll be home in five minutes; stay cool, William.”

Very impressed, the woman goes outside where the grandfather is loading his groceries and the boy into the car. She said to the elderly gentleman, “It’s none of my business, but you were amazing in there. I don’t know how you did it. That whole time, you kept your composure, and no matter how loud and disruptive he got, you just calmly kept saying things would be okay. William is very lucky to have you as his grandpa.”

“Thanks,” said the grandfather, “but I’m William. The little brat’s name is Kevin.”

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Cynical Meanings

Cigarette: A pinch of tobacco rolled in paper with fire at one end and a fool on the other.

Divorce: Future tense of marriage.

Lecture: An art of transferring information from the notes of the Lecturer to the notes of the students without passing through “the minds of either.”

Conference: The confusion of one man multiplied by the number present.

Compromise: The art of dividing a cake in such a way that everybody believes he got the biggest piece.

Tears: The hydraulic force by which masculine will-power is defeated by feminine water power…

Dictionary: A place where success comes before work.

Conference Room: A place where everybody talks, nobody listens and everybody disagrees later on.

Classic: A book which people praise, but do not read.

Smile: A curve that can set a lot of things straight.

Office: A place where you can relax after your strenuous home life.

Yawn: The only time some married men ever get to open their mouth.

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The preacher came to call the other day. He said at my age I should be thinking of the hereafter.

I told him, “Oh, I do it all the time. No matter where I am – in the bedroom, upstairs, in the kitchen, or down in the basement – I ask myself, ‘Now, what am I here after?'”

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ONE-LINERS: More Thoughts to Ponder

1. Considering all the lint you get in your dryer, if you kept drying your clothes would they eventually just disappear?

2. When we are in the supermarket and someone rams our ankle with a shopping cart than apologizes for doing so, why do we say, “It’s all right?” When, it isn’t all right .

3. Why is it that whenever you attempt to catch something that’s falling off the table you always manage to knock something else over?

4. Is it true that the only difference between a yard sale and a trash pickup is how close to the road the stuff is placed?

5. In winter why do we try to keep the house as warm as it was in summer when we complained about the heat?

6. How come we never hear father-in-law jokes?

7. If at first you don’t succeed, shouldn’t you try doing it like your wife told you to do it?

8. The statistics on sanity are that one out of every four Americans is suffering from sort of mental illness. Think of your three best friends, if they’re okay, then it’s you.

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pic of the day: Passion Flower

picture of passion flower bloom

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A pun is the lowest form of wit,
It does not tax the brain a bit.

One merely takes a word that’s plain
And picks one out that’s just the same.

Perhaps a letter may be changed
Or others slightly rearranged,

This, to the meaning, gives a twist,
Which much delights the humorist.

A sample now may help to show
The way a good pun ought to go:

“It isn’t the cough that carries you off,
It’s the coffin they carry you off in.”

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Guy 1: “It’s the wife’s birthday today. Last week I asked her what she  wanted as a present.”

Guy 2: “So what did she ask for?”

Guy 1: “She said, ‘Oh, I don’t know, just give me something with diamonds.’
                      And so I’m giving her a deck of playing cards.”

(I think he’s going to be in BIG trouble…. )

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My dog chewed one of my new, expensive running shoes. Hoping to save my investment, I took the sneakers to a shoe repair shop. I placed them on the counter and told the man, “My dog got hold of this.”

The shoemaker picked up the shoe, looked it over, and placed it back down on the counter.

“Well, what do you recommend?” I asked.

“Give your dog the other shoe.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: MARGARITA

~The first frozen margarita machine was invented in 1971 and it was based on a soft-serve ice cream machine.

~The original Margarita was invented in 1948 by socialite Margarita Sames.

~The Margarita was the most popularly ordered drink in 2010, representing 18% of all mixed drink sales in the U.S. Runners up were the Martini, Rum and Coke, Vodka and Tonic, and the Cosmopolitan.

~On average, Americans consume 185,000 Margaritas per hour

~ To salt or not to salt? Many people find that a salt rim enhances the flavor of the Margarita.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Any intelligent fool can make things bigger, more complex, and more violent. It takes a touch of genius – and a lot of courage – to move in the opposite direction. – E. F. Schumacher

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Some men give up their designs when they have almost reached the goal; while others, on the contrary, obtain a victory by exerting, at the last moment, more vigorous efforts than before. – Polybius