Jokes and Trivia for January 1, 2013

Sometimes your joy is the source of your smile, but sometimes your smile can be the source of your joy. – Thich Nhat Hanh

TODAY – JANUARY 1st – TUESDAY

1st day of 2013 with 364 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*New Year’s Day

*Bloody Mary Day

*National Hangover Day

*Global Family Day

*Public Domain Day

*Kwanzaa, last day

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1735 Paul Revere, Boston, Massachusetts, patriot in American Revolution (alerted Colonial militia “the British are coming”)
  • 1752 Betsy Ross, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, seamstress (credited with making first American flag)
  • 1852 Eugène-Anatole Demarçay, Paris, French chemist (known for spectrum discovering element europium)
  • 1874 Gustave Whitehead, Leutershausen, Bavaria,  inventor (claimed flights before Wright brothers)
  • 1878 Agner Krarup Erlang, Danish scientist and engineer (invented the fields of traffic engineering and queueing theory)
  • 1879 E. M. Forster, English author (A Room with a View, A Passage to India)
  • 1888 John Garand, Canadian-American inventor (first successful semi-automatic rifle to be widely used in active military service, the M1 Garand)
  • 1895 J. Edgar Hoover, Washington, D.C., first Director of American FBI
  • 1919 J. D. Salinger, New York City, NY, author (A Catcher in the Rye)
  • 1938 Frank Langella, Bayonne, New Jersey, actor (Diary of a Mad Housewife, Superman Returns, Starting Out in the Evening, Frost/Nixon)
  • 1942 Country Joe McDonald, Washington,  musician (Country Joe and the Fish)
  • 1964 Juliana Donald, Washington, D.C.,  actress (The Muppets Take Manhattan)
  • 1998 Marlene Lawston, Westchester, New York, actress (Blue Bloods )

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Miracles come in moments. Be ready and willing.  – Wayne Dyer

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1502 The present-day location of Rio de Janeiro is first explored by the Portuguese.
  • 1772 The first traveler’s cheques, which can be used in 90 European cities, go on sale in London, England, Great Britain.
  • 1773 The hymn that became known as “Amazing Grace”, then titled “1 Chronicles 17:16–17” is first used to accompany a sermon led by John Newton in the town of Olney, England.
  • 1788 First edition of The Times of London, previously The Daily Universal Register, is published.
  • 1804 French rule ends in Haiti, as it becomes the first black republic and second independent country in North America after the United States.
  • 1822 The Greek Constitution of 1822 is adopted by the First National Assembly at Epidaurus.
  • 1833 The United Kingdom claims sovereignty over the Falkland Islands.
  • 1845 The Cobble Hill Tunnel in Brooklyn is completed.
  • 1847 The world’s first “Mercy” Hospital is founded in Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania by the Sisters of Mercy, the name will go on to grace over 30 major hospitals throughout the world.
  • 1863 Daniel Freeman makes the first claim under the Homestead Act for a farm in Nebraska.
  • 1890 The Tournament of Roses Parade in Pasadena, California, is first held.
  • 1898 New York, New York annexes land from surrounding counties, creating the City of Greater New York. The four initial boroughs, Manhattan, Brooklyn, Queens, and The Bronx, are joined on January 25 by Staten Island to create the modern city of five boroughs.
  • 1962 United States Navy SEALs established.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

After teaching high school for nearly 20 years, I thought I’d heard every possible excuse for missing homework until one parent sent me this note: “Please excuse Lori for not having her algebra homework. The cat had kittens on it last night.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Q: Name the four seasons.
A: Salt, pepper, mustard and vinegar.

Q: Explain one of the processes by which water can be made safe to drink.
A: Flirtation makes water safe to drink because it removes large pollutants like grit, sand, dead sheep and canoeists.

Q: How is dew formed?
A: The sun shines down on the leaves and makes them perspire.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The teacher asked little Johnny if he knows his numbers.

“Yes,” he said. “My dad taught me.”

“Good! Can you tell me what comes after three.”

“Four,” answers little Johnny.

“What comes after six?”

“Seven.”

“Very good,” says the teacher. “Your father did a good job. What comes after ten?”

“A jack,” says little Johnny.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS:

~A backwards poet writes inverse

~He had a photographic memory that was never developed

~If a clock is hungry does it go back four seconds?

~The short fortuneteller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large

~Acupuncture is a jab well done

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: HAPPY NEW YEAR!

 

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A magician pulls rabbits out of hats.
An experimental psychologist pulls habits out of rabbits.

What do you get when you pour hot water down a rabbit hole?
A Hot Cross bunny.

What did the bunny say when he only had thistles to eat?
Thistle have to do!

How do you post a bunny?
Hare mail.

What does a bunny use when it goes fishing?
A hare-net.

What do you call ten rabbits marching backwards?
A receding hareline.

What did the rabbit say to the carrot?
It’s been nice gnawing at you.

Why is a bunny the luckiest animal in the world?
It has 4 rabbits’ feet.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The Pope was getting into his limo one night when he turned to the limo driver and said, “Before I die, I would love to drive this beautiful limo just once.”

“Well, here,” the limo driver says, “Take the wheel, Your Holiness!”

Further down the road, the limo is stopped by a policeman who looks in the window, goes back to his squad car, calls dispatch and says, “I just pulled over someone real important and I don’t know what to do.”

“Well, who is it?” his dispatcher says, “The mayor? The governor? The president?”

“I don’t know,” the officer responds, “but the Pope’s his chauffer!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Mother decided that 10-year-old Cathy should get something ‘practical’ for her birthday.

“Suppose we open a savings account for you?” mother suggested. Cathy was delighted.

“It’s your account, darling,” mother said as they arrived at the bank, “so you fill out the application.”

Cathy was doing fine until she came to the space for ‘Name of your former bank.’ After a slight hesitation, she put down ‘Piggy.’

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: Things People Might Not Know About Mary Tudor

~Mary was given the name”Bloody Mary” because she had almost burnt innocent people and protestant at the stake in 5 years!

~She was a catholic but hated protestants.

~Mary was engaged to be married, at age 2 and a half years old, to the French dauphin.

~She was the first ever woman to be crowned queen of England.

~By a special Act of parliament in April 1554, Mary declared that women had all the power of men and queens could rule with all the force of law as their male counterparts.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

QUIP OF THE DAY: Parents are the last people on earth who ought to have children – Samuel Butler

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

The bitterest tears shed over graves are for words left unsaid and deeds left undone. – Harriet Beecher Stowe