May 12, 2014

You can’t fall if you don’t climb. But there’s no joy in living your whole life on the ground. – ­Unknown

TODAY – MAY 12th – MONDAY

132nd day of 2014 with 233 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

fibroaware* Fibromyalgia & Chronic Fatigue Syndrome Awareness Day

*National Nutty Fudge Day

International Nurses’ Day

* Limerick Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

  • 1820 Florence Nightingale, British nurse (Crimean War, pioneer in nursing)
  • 1828 Dante Gabriel Rossetti, England, poet/painter, Pre-Raphaelite
  • 1906 Maurice Ewing, Lockney, Texas, geophysicist and oceanographer (understanding of marine sediments and ocean basins, submarine sound transmission – including the SOFAR channel, ocean bottom photography)
  • 1907 Katharine Hepburn, Hartford, Connecticut, actress (African Queen, Adam’s Rib, On Golden Pond)
  • 1915 Mary Kay Ash, Hot Wells, Texas, businesswoman (Mary Kay Cosmetics)
  • 1925 Lawrence “Yogi” Berra, St. Louis, Missouri, New York Yankee catcher/coach/manager, Mets, Astros
  • 1929 Burt Bacharach, Kansas City MO, composer (I’ll Never Fall in Love Again)
  • 1946 L. Neil Smith, Denver, Colorado, science fiction author (N. American Confederacy series, Lando Calrissian triology, Forge of the Eldars series)
  • 1962 Emilio Estevez, Staten Island, New York, actor (Breakfast Club, Young Guns, Mighty Ducks, Repo Man)
  • 1963 Jerry Trimble, Newport, Kentucky, actor/ stuntman (Green Hornet, Charlie’s Angels, Heat, Young Guns)
  • 1963 Vanessa Williams, Brooklyn, New York, actress (Rhonda Blair/Melrose Place; Soul Food, Erased)
  • 1966 Stephen Baldwin, Massapequa, New York, actor (Beast, Lawrenceville Stories, Usual Suspects, Young Riders)
  • 1968 Tony Hawk, San Diego, California, skateboarder (900, video games)
  • 1968 Scott Schwartz, Sacramento, California, actor (The Toy, Christmas Story, A Time To Live)
  • 1969 Kim Fields, NYC, actress (Tootie/The Facts of Life, Living Single)
  • 1973 Travis Lutter, Chamberlain, South Dakota, mixed martial arts fighter (Ultimate Fighter 4 winner)
  • 1981 Rami Malek, Los Angeles, California, actor (War at Home, Night at the Museum, Twilight: Breaking Dawn)
  • 1992 Malcolm David Kelley, Bellflower, California, actor (You Got Served, Lost, Gigantic)

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To live is so startling it leaves little time for anything else. – Emily Dickinson

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1551 National University of San Marcos, the oldest university in the Americas, is founded in Lima, Peru.
  • 1816 The first printing press invented in America, Columbian Press, was designed by George E. Clymer in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1932 Ten weeks after his abduction, the infant son of Charles Lindbergh is found dead in Hopewell, New Jersey.
  • 1935 Bill Wilson and Dr. Bob Smith (founders of Alcoholics Anonymous) meet for the first time in Akron, Ohio, at the home of Henrietta Siberling.
  • 1936 Dvorak typewriter keyboard was patented in the U.S. by Dvorak and Dealey (Patent No. 2,040,248).
  • 1942 Holocaust: There are 1,500 Jews are sent to gas chambers in Auschwitz.
  • 1958 Formal North American Aerospace Defense Command agreement is signed between the US and Canada.
  • 1962 Douglas MacArthur delivers his famous “Duty, Honor, Country” valedictory speech at West Point.
  • 2002 Former President Jimmy Carter arrives in Cuba for a five-day visit with Fidel Castro becoming first President of the United States, in or out of office, to visit the island since Castro’s 1959 revolution.
  • 2004 Discovery of what was believed to be the world’s oldest seat of learning, the Library of Alexandria, announced by Zahi Hawass, president of Egypt’s Supreme Council of Antiquities, during a conference at the University of California.
  • 2008 Earthquake (measuring around 8.0 magnitude) occurs in Sichuan, China, killing over 69,000 people.

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A radical feminist is getting on a bus when, just in front of her, a man gets up from his seat.

She thinks to herself, “Here’s another man trying to keep up the customs of a patriarchal society by offering a poor, defenseless woman his seat,” and she pushes him back onto the seat.

A few minutes later, the man tries to get up again. She is insulted again and refuses to let him up.

Finally, the man says,

“Look, lady, you’ve got to let me get up. I’m two miles past my stop already.”

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Two guys were sitting around talking one day. The first guy said, “Ever since we got married, my wife has tried to change me. She got me to stop drinking, smoking and running around until all hours of the night. She taught me how to dress well, enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking, classical music, even how to invest in the stock market.”
“Sounds like you may be bitter because she has changed you so drastically,” remarked his friend.
The first guy replied, “No, I’m not bitter. Now that I’m so improved, she just isn’t good enough for me.”

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ONE-LINERS: Why Guys Can’t Win

If you work too hard, there is never any time for her.
If you don’t work enough, you’re a good-for-nothing bum.

If she has a boring repetitive job with low pay, it’s exploitation.
If you have a boring repetitive job with low pay, you should get off your butt and find something better.

If you get a promotion ahead of her, it’s favoritism.
If she gets a job ahead of you, it’s equal opportunity.

If you mention how nice she looks, it’s sexual harassment.
If you keep quiet, it’s male indifference.

If you cry, you’re a wimp.
If you don’t, you’re insensitive.

If you make a decision without consulting her, you’re a control freak.
If she makes a decision without consulting you, she’s a liberated woman.

If you ask her to do something she doesn’t enjoy, that’s manipulation.
If she asks you, it’s a favor.

If you try to keep yourself in shape, you’re self-centered.
If you don’t, you’re a slob.

If you buy her flowers, you’re after something.
If you don’t, you’re not thoughtful.

If you’re proud of your achievements, you’re an egotist.
If you’re not, you’re not ambitious.

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Beth Vorhees of public TV fame said her daughter, Diana, a third-grader, was to give a demonstration speech at school. She planned to demonstrate how to make “Flies on a Log” which consists of peanut butter spread on a stalk of celery with raisins on it.

The morning of her speech, Diana took out everything she needed and put it on the kitchen counter, ready to take it to school. Unfortunately, when the girl and her mother left for school, they forgot to take the items.

Diana’s mother dropped her off and went home to get the stuff.

The celery was gone. The raisins were gone. The peanut butter had been put away.

“Oh,” said Diana’s father. “I had that stuff for breakfast.”

Diana’s faithful mother rushed to gather up more ingredients and rush them to school with an apology to the teacher and an explanation of what happened.

“Gee,” said Diana’s teacher, “that’s a first — ‘My dad ate my homework.'”

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pic of the day: Storm Brewing..


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

One day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head.

A good fairy appeared. “Little Rabbit FooFoo, what you’re doing is evil! Stop it, or Mother Nature will turn you into something gooney!” she said.

Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed.

The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was again hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head.

Again, the good fairy appeared. “Little Rabbit FooFoo, I told you that’s evil! Stop it, or Mother Nature will turn you into something gooney!” she said.

Again, Little Rabbit FooFoo just laughed and laughed.

The next day, Little Rabbit FooFoo was still hopping through the forest, snatching all the mice, and bonking them on the head.

Mother Nature appeared, and, abracadabra! Little Rabbit FooFoo was turned into an ugly goon, never to terrorize mice again.

The moral?

Hare today, goon tomorrow…
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A doctor and a lawyer were talking at a party. Their conversation was constantly interrupted by people describing their ailments and asking the doctor for free medical advice.

After an hour of this, the exasperated doctor asked the lawyer, “What do you do to stop people from asking you for legal advice when you’re out of the office?”

“I give it to them,” replied the lawyer, “and then I send them a bill.”

The doctor was shocked, but agreed to give it a try. The next day, still feeling slightly guilty, the doctor prepared the bills.

When he went to place them in his mailbox, he found a bill from the lawyer.

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An atheist was spending a quiet day fishing when suddenly his boat was attacked by the Loch Ness monster. In one easy flip, the beast tossed him and his boat high into the air. Then it opened its mouth to swallow both. As the man sailed head over heels, he cried out, ‘Oh, my God! Help me!’

At once, the ferocious attack scene froze in place, and as the atheist hung in mid-air, a booming voice came down from the clouds. ‘I thought you didn’t believe in Me!’

‘Come on God, give me a break!,’ the man pleaded. ‘Two minutes ago I didn’t believe in the Loch Ness monster either!’
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Before leaving from our home in Maine for the drive to Florida, we warned the children, “It’s going to be a long trip. No one is allowed to ask how much farther it is or when we’re going to get there.”

The journey was remarkably question-free until sometime during the third day, when the youngest sighed, “Will I still be five when we get there?”

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An elderly man is stopped by the police around 1 a. m. and is asked where he is going at this time of night.

The man replies, “I am going to a lecture about alcohol abuse and the effects it has on the human body”.

The officer then asks, “Really? Who is giving that lecture at this time of night?”

The man replies… “My wife.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Nobody reads the rules for Monopoly unless there’s an argument.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
It’s not the years in your life that count. It’s the life in your years. – ­Abraham Lincoln

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