May 13, 2014

Definiteness of purpose is the starting point of all achievement. – ­W. Clement Stone

TODAY – MAY 13th – TUESDAY

133rd day of 2014 with 232 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Leprechaun Day
*Frog Jumping Day
*Foster Care Month
*National Apple Pie Day
*National Blood Pressure Month

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

  • 1857 Sir Ronald Ross, England, pathologist (Nobel 1902 / discovered malarial parasite)
  • 1907 Daphne du Maurier, English author (Rebecca, Jamaica Inn, The Birds, Don’t Look Now)
  • 1914 Joe Louis, La Fayette, Alabama, world heavyweight boxing champion (1937-49)
  • 1926 Beatrice Arthur, New York City, New York, actress (Maude, Dorothy /Golden Girls)
  • 1937 Roger Zelazny, Euclid, Ohio, sci-fi author (6 Hugos, Chronicles of Amber, Lord of Light, Damnation Alley)
  • 1938 Francine Pascal, American author (Sweet Valley series)
  • 1944 Armistead Maupin, Washington, D.C., author (Tales of the City novels, Maybe the Moon, Night Listener)
  • 1947 Stephen R Donaldson, Cleveland, Ohio, sci-fi author (Chronicles of Thomas Covenant, the Unbeliever; The Gap Cycle)
  • 1950 Stevie Wonder, Saginaw, Michigan, singer/songwriter (I Just Called To Say I Love You, Superstition, You are The Sunshine of My Life, My Cherie Amour)
  • 1964 Ronnie Coleman, Bastrop, Louisiana, professional bodybuilder (8 straight wins as Mr. Olympia, 26 IFBB professional wins)
  • 1964 Stephen Colbert, Washington DC, satirist, comedian and actor (The Colbert Report)
  • 1965 Tasmin Little, English violinist (string section finalist in the 1982 BBC Young Musician of the Year competition)
  • 1987 Candice Accola, Houston, Texas, actress (The Vampire Diaries)
  • 1993 Debby Ryan, Huntsville, Alabama, actress (Jessie, The Suite Life on Deck, The Longshots, Radio Rebel)

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Winning isn’t everything, but wanting to win is. ­- Vince Lombardi

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1637 Table knife was created by Cardinal Richelieu in France.
  • 1787 Arthur Phillip sets sails with the First Fleet, 11 ships full of convicts, to establish a penal colony in Australia.
  • 1821 First practical and successful printing press to be built in America patented by Samuel Rust of New York City.
  • 1846 US declares war on Mexico, 2 months after fighting begins.
  • 1873 Sewing machine lamp holder patent (No. 138,831) by Ludwig M. Wolf of Avon, CT, which was introduced by the Singer Sewing Machine Co. in 1876.
  • 1884 American Institute of Electrical Engineers (AIEE) formed.
  • 1890 Patent for an electric generator (No. 428,057) issued to Nikola Tesla.
  • 1913 First 4 engine aircraft flown by Igor Sikorsky of Russia.
  • 1940 Germany’s conquest of France begins; Churchill makes his “blood, toil, tears, and sweat” speech to the House of Commons.
  • 1949 First gas turbine to pump natural gas installed at Wilmar, Arkansas, by the Mississippi River Fuel Corp.
  • 1958 Velcro trade mark is registered.
  • 1958 The first and only person to circumnavigate the world by amphibious vehicle, Ben Carlin, travelled over 11,000 miles (17,000 kilometres) by sea and 39,000 miles (62,000 kilometres) by land over a ten-year period.
  • 1981 Pope John Paul II shot, wounded by assailant in St Peter’s Square.
  • 1989 Approximately 2,000 students begin hunger strike in Tiananmen Square, China.
  • 1994 Johnny Carson makes his last television appearance on Late Show with David Letterman.

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Two engineers were standing at the base of a flagpole, looking at its top. A woman walked by and asked what they were doing.

“We’re supposed to find the height of this flagpole,” said Sven, “but we don’t have a ladder.”

The woman took a wrench from her purse, loosened a couple of bolts, and laid the pole down on the ground. Then she took a tape measure from her pocketbook, took a measurement, announced, “Twenty one feet, six inches,” and walked away.

One engineer shook his head and laughed, “A lot of good that does us. We ask for the height and she gives us the length!”

Both engineers have since quit their engineering jobs and are currently serving in the United States Congress.

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A guy walks into a bar with a small dog. The bartender said, “Get out of here with that dog.” The guy said, “But this isn’t just any dog. This dog can play the piano.”
The bartender replied, “Well, if he can play that piano, you both can stay and have a drink on the house.”
So the guy sat the dog on the piano stool, and the dog started playing. Ragtime, Mozart, Philip Glass … and the bartender and all of the patrons enjoyed the music.
Suddenly a bigger dog ran in, grabbed the small dog by the scruff of the neck, and dragged him out. The bartender asked the guy, “What the heck was that all about?”
The guy replied, “Oh, that was his mother. She wanted him to be a doctor.”

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ONE-LINERS: Random Thoughts. . .
~ A shut mouth gathers no foot.
~ Help! My Reality Check bounced.
~ Can vegetarians eat animal crackers?
~ Suicide is the sincerest form of self-criticism.
~ Five out of four people have trouble with fractions.
~ Creativity is no substitute for knowing what you’re doing.
~ Love is one long sweet dream, and marriage is the alarm clock.
~ Defeat is worse than death, because you have to live with defeat.
~ All the world is a stage and most of us are desperately unrehearsed.
~ I washed a sock. Then I put it in a dryer. When I took it out, it was gone.
~ I planted some bird seed. A bird came up. Now I don’t know what to feed it.
~ Today I met with a subliminal advertising executive for just a second. – Steven Wright

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A guy named Joe finds himself in dire trouble. His business has gone bust and he’s in serious financial trouble. He’s so desperate he decides to ask God for help. He begins to pray…

“God, please help me. I’ve lost my business and if I don’t get some money, I’m going to lose my house as well. Please let me win the lotto.”

Lotto night comes and somebody else wins it.

Joe again prays…

“God, please let me win the lotto! I’ve lost my business, my house and I’m going to lose my car as well.”

Lotto night comes and Joe still has no luck.

Once again, he prays…

“My God, why have you forsaken me?? I’ve lost my business, my house, and my car. My wife and children are starving. I don’t often ask you for help and I have always been a good servant to you. PLEASE just let me win the lotto this one time so I can get my life back in order.”

Suddenly there is a blinding flash of light as the heavens open and Joe is confronted by the voice of God Himself: “Joe, meet Me halfway on this. Buy a ticket.”

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pic of the day: Cat & Clematis


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

“Doc, you’ve gotta help me! Every night I dream that I’m a car. The other night I dreamed I was a Ferrari. Another night I dreamed I was a BMW.

Last night I dreamed I was a Porsche. What does this mean?”

“Don’t worry. You’re just having an auto-body experience.”

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My dumb cousin was driving down the highway to Disneyland when he saw a sign that said “DISNEYLAND LEFT.”

After thinking for a minute, he said to himself, “Oh, well!” and turned around and drove home.

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There’s a man trying to cross the street. As he steps off the curb a car comes screaming around the corner and heads straight for him. The man walks faster, trying to hurry across the street, but the car changes lanes and is
still coming at him.

So the guy turns around to go back, but the car changes lanes again and is still coming at him. By now, the car is so close and the man so scared that he just freezes and stops in the middle of the road. The car gets real
close, then swerves at the last possible moment and screeches to a halt right next him.

The driver rolls down the window. The driver is a squirrel. The squirrel says to the man says, “See, it’s not as easy as it looks, is it?”

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An older gentleman needed surgery. His son was a renowned surgeon, and the man insisted that his son perform the operation.
As he was about to get the anesthesia he asked to speak to his son.
“Yes, Dad, what is it?”
“Don’t be nervous, son; do your best and just remember, if it doesn’t go well, if something happens to me, your mother is going to come and live with you and your wife.”

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I had boarded a train and needed to know if I had to switch trains to get to my destination. When the conductor took my ticket I asked, “Do I need to change?”

“Nonsense!” he replied immediately. “Your bag matches your shoes and your earrings are the same color as your outfit. You’re fine the way you are!”

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I accompanied my husband to get a haircut. While flipping through a magazine I found a hairstyle that would look good on me. I asked the receptionist if I could take the magazine next door to make a copy of the hairstyle photo.
“Well, okay,” she replied, “but leave some ID–a driver’s license or credit card.”
“But my husband is here getting his hair cut,” I explained.
“Yeah… but we need something you’ll come back for.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If you have problems laughing at yourself, just call me. I have no problem
laughing at you.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
Happiness is not something ready-made. It comes from your own actions. – ­Dalai Lama

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