May 15, 2014

Change your thoughts and you change your world. – ­Norman Vincent Peale

TODAY – MAY 15th -THURSDAY

135th day of 2014 with 230 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Chocolate Chip Day

*Peace Officer’s Memorial Day

*International Day of Families

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1856 L. Frank Baum, Chittenango, New York, author (The Wonderful Wizard of Oz)
  • 1859 Pierre Curie, Paris, France, physicist (Nobel /radioactivity)
  • 1890 Katherine Anne Porter, Indian Creek, Texas, author (Ship of Fools)
  • 1891 Fritz Feigl, Vienna Austria-Hungary, chemist (known worldwide as the creator of “touch analysis”)
  • 1909 James Mason, British actor (Citizen Kane, The Magnificent Ambersons, Journey into Fear, Duel in the Sun)
  • 1918 Eddy Arnold, Henderson, Tennessee, country music singer (The Tennessee Plowboy)
  • 1931 Ken Venturi, San Franciso, California, golfer (U.S. Open 1964, player of the year 1964)
  • 1942 K. T. Oslin, Crossett, Arkansas, musician & songwriter (country music)
  • 1949 Frank Culbertson, Charleston, South Carolina, astronaut (STS-38, STS-51, STS-105, Expedition 3, STS-108)
  • 1950 Nicholas Hammond, Washington, D.C., actor (The Sound of Music, The Amazing Spider-Man tv series)
  • 1951 Frank Wilczek, Mineola, New York, physicist (Nobel / Quantum chromodynamics )
  • 1955 Lee Horsley, Muleshoe, Texas, actor (Nero Wolfe, Matt Houston, Paradise, The Sword and the Sorcerer, recorded audiobook edition of Lonesome Dove)
  •  1957 Meg Gardiner, Oklahoma, crime fiction author (Evan Delaney series; China Lake, The Dirty Secrets Club, The Nightmare Thief, Ransom River)
  • 1967 Laura Hillenbrand, Fairfax, Virginia, author (Seabiscuit: An American Legend)
  • 1969 Emmitt Smith, Pensacola, Florida, football player (Dallas Cowboys & Arizona Cardinals) and sportscaster; (Dancing w/the Stars 3rd & 15th seasons)
  • 1978 David Krumholtz, Queens, New York City, actor (Harold & Kumar; The Santa Clause, Serenity, 10 Things I Hate About You )
  • 1981 Jamie-Lynn Sigler, Queens, New York, actress (The Sopranos, Entourage)
  • 1982 Alex Breckenridge, Bridgeport, Connecticut, actress (Dirt, Family Guy )
  • 1982 Jessica Sutta, Miami, Florida, dancer, singer and actress (Pussycat Dolls)

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Success isn’t permanent, and failure isn’t fatal. – Mike Ditka

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1718 James Puckle, a London lawyer, patents the world’s first machine gun.
  • 1755 Laredo, Texas is established by the Spaniards.
  • 1776 American Revolution: the Virginia Convention instructs its Continental Congress delegation to propose a resolution of independence from Great Britain, paving the way for the United States Declaration of Independence.
  • 1817 Opening of the first private mental health hospital in the United States, the Asylum for the Relief of Persons Deprived of the Use of Their Reason (now Friends Hospital) in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1862 President Abraham Lincoln signs a bill into law creating the United States Bureau of Agriculture. It is later renamed the United States Department of Agriculture.
  • 1869 Susan B. Anthony and Elizabeth Cady Stanton form the National Woman Suffrage Association.
  • 1905 Las Vegas, Nevada, is founded when 110 acres (0.45 km2), in what later would become downtown, are auctioned off.
  • 1911 In Standard Oil Co. of New Jersey v. United States, the United States Supreme Court declares Standard Oil to be an “unreasonable” monopoly under the Sherman Antitrust Act and orders the company to be broken up.
  • 1919 The Winnipeg General Strike begins. By 11:00 am, almost the whole working population of Winnipeg, Manitoba had walked off the job.
  • 1928 Mickey Mouse premiered in his first cartoon, Plane Crazy.
  • 1929 A fire at the Cleveland Clinic in Cleveland, Ohio kills 123.
  • 1940 McDonald’s opens its first restaurant in San Bernardino, California.
  • 1942 World War II: in the United States, a bill creating the Women’s Army Auxiliary Corps (WAAC) is signed into law.
  • 1945 World War II: The final skirmish in Europe is fought near Prevalje, Slovenia.
  • 1948 Following the demise of the British Mandate of Palestine, Egypt, Transjordan, Lebanon, Syria, Iraq and Saudi Arabia invade Israel thus starting the 1948 Arab-Israeli War.
  • 1957 At Malden Island in the Pacific, Britain tests its first hydrogen bomb in Operation Grapple. The device fails to detonate properly.
  • 1958 The Soviet Union launches Sputnik 3.
  • 1960 The Soviet Union launches Sputnik 4.
  • 1963 Project Mercury: The launch of the final Mercury mission, Mercury-Atlas 9 with astronaut L. Gordon Cooper on board. He becomes the first American to spend more than a day in space.
  • 1970 President Richard Nixon appoints Anna Mae Hays and Elizabeth P. Hoisington the first female United States Army Generals.
  • 1972 In Laurel, Maryland, Arthur Bremer shoots and paralyzes Alabama Governor George Wallace while he is campaigning to become President.
  • 2010 Jessica Watson becomes the youngest person to sail, non-stop and unassisted around the world solo.

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I was at the drugstore and noticed a young male cashier staring at the pretty girl in front of me. Her total came to $16.42, and after handing over a $100 bill, she waited for change. “Here you go,” said the cashier, smiling as he returned the proper amount. “Have a great day!”

Now I placed my items on the counter. The tally was $32.79, and I too gave the cashier a $100 bill.

“I’m sorry, Ma’am. We can’t accept anything larger than a fifty,” he told me, pointing to a sign stating store policy.

“But you just accepted that last girl’s hundred,” I reasoned.

“I had to,” he said. “It had her phone number on it.”

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A man walked into the office of an eminent psychiatrist and sat down to explain his problem.

“Doctor, doctor! I’ve got this problem,” the man said. “I keep hallucinating that I’m a dog. It’s crazy. I don’t know what to do!”

“A common canine complex,” said the doctor soothingly. “Relax. Come here and lie down on the couch.”

“Oh no, Doctor,” the man said nervously, “I’m not allowed up on the furniture.”

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ONE-LINERS: Definitions for Parents

FEEDBACK: The inevitable result when a baby doesn’t appreciate the mashed carrots.

HEARSAY: What toddlers do when anyone mutters a dirty word.

PRENATAL: When your life was still somewhat your own.

PUDDLE: A small body of water that draws other small bodies wearing dry shoes.

STERILIZE: What you do to your first baby’s pacifier by boiling it and to your last baby’s pacifier by blowing on it.

TOP BUNK: Where you should never put a child wearing Superman pajamas.

WHOOPS: An exclamation that translates roughly into “get a washrag.”

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A law firm receptionist answered the phone the morning after the firm’s senior partner had passed away unexpectedly.

“Is Mr. Smith there?”, asked the client on the phone.

“I’m very sorry, but Mr. Smith passed away last night,” the receptionist answered.

“Is Mr. Smith there?”, repeated the client.

The receptionist was perplexed. “Perhaps you didn’t understand me I’m afraid Mr. Smith passed away last night.”

“Is Mr. Smith there?”, asked the client again.

“Ma’am, do you understand what I’m saying?”, said the exasperated receptionist. “Mr. Smith is DEAD!”

“I understand you perfectly,” the client sighed. “I just can’t hear it often enough.”

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pic of the day: White Rose & Purple Clematis


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Two robins were sitting in a tree. “I’m really hungry”, said the first one. ”

Me, too”, said the second. “Let’s fly down and find some lunch.”

They flew to the ground and found a nice plot of plowed ground full of worms. They ate and ate and ate ’til they could eat no more.

“I’m so full I don’t think I can fly back up to the tree,” said the first one.

“Me neither, let’s just lay here and bask in the warm sun”, said the second.

“OK” said the first. They plopped down, basking in the sun. No sooner than they had fallen asleep, a big fat tomcat snuck up and gobbled them up.

As he sat washing his face after his meal, he thought, “I love baskin’ robins.”

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I was on a panel for prospective jury duty. The first lawyer questioning us began right off as an intimidating showman and asked the question, “Do any of you here today dislike lawyers?”

Before the pause became too long, the judge announced, “I do.”
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On their anniversary night, the husband sat his wife sat down in the den with her favorite magazine, turned on the soft reading lamp, slipped off her shoes, patted and propped her feet and announced that he was preparing dinner all by himself.

“How romantic!” she thought.

Two-and-a-half hours later, she was still waiting for dinner to be served. She tiptoed to the kitchen and found it in a colossal mess.

Her harried husband, removing something indescribable from the smoking oven, saw her in the doorway. “Almost ready!” he vowed. “Sorry it took me so long — I had to refill the pepper shaker.”

“Why, honey, how long could that have taken you?”

“More’n an hour, I reckon. Wasn’t easy stuffin’ it through those dumb little holes.”

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A guy was driving when a policeman pulled him over. He rolled down his window and said to the officer, “Is there a problem, Officer?”

“No problem at all. I just observed your safe driving and am pleased to award you a $5,000 Safe Driver Award. Congratulations. What do you think you’re going to do with the money?”

He thought for a minute and said, “Well, I guess I’ll go get that drivers’ license.”

The lady sitting in the passenger seat said to the policeman, “Oh, don’t pay attention to him – he’s a smart-aleck when he’s drunk and stoned.”

The guy from the back seat said, “I TOLD you guys we wouldn’t get far in a stolen car!”

At that moment, there was a knock from the trunk and a muffled voice said, “Are we over the border yet?”

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I took my airhead girlfriend to dinner in a fancy restaurant. When our drinks were served, I raised my glass and said, “Here’s hoping you’re in Heaven ten minutes before the devil knows you’re dead.”

“What’s that mean?” asked my girlfriend.

“That is an authentic Irish toast.”

“Oh. Well.” Picking up her glass she said, “Here’s to bread, eggs and cinnamon.”

“Bread, eggs and cinnamon? What’s that?”

“That’s French toast.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: One half of the world doesn’t understand the other half, and it doesn’t matter which half you’re in.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
No man is an island,
Entire of itself,
Every man is a piece of the continent,
A part of the main.
– – – John Donne

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