May 16, 2014

Two roads diverged in a wood, and I­ took the one less traveled by, And that has made all the difference. – ­Robert Frost

TODAY – MAY 16th – FRIDAY

136th day of 2014 with 229 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Love a Tree Day

*Biographers Day

*National Sea Monkey Day

*Wear Purple for Peace Day

*National Coquilles St. Jacques Day

*National Bike to Work Day (3rd Friday of May)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1801 William Henry Seward, Florida, New York, Secretary of State (1861-69, buys Alaska at 2¢/acre, then called “Sewards Folly”)
  • 1831 David E. Hughes, London, inventor and musician, co-inventor of the microphone, a harpist and a professor of music
  • 1905 Henry Fonda, Grand Island, Nebraska, actor (Mr Roberts, On Golden Pond)
  • 1912 Studs Terkel, New York City, NY, historian, author & broadcaster (The Good War)
  • 1919 Liberace, West Allis, Wisconsin, pianist (Liberace Show, Evil Chandell-Batman)
  • 1944 Danny Trejo, Los Angeles, California, actor (Heat, Con Air, machete, Desperado)
  • 1947 Bill Smitrovich, Bridgeport, Connecticut, actor (Millennium, A Nero Wolfe Mystery, The Practice)
  • 1950 Bruce Coville, Syracuse, New York, author (Series: Magic Shop; My Teacher; I Was a Sixth Grade Alien; Unicorn Chronicles; Space Brat)
  • 1953 Pierce Brosnan, Ireland, actor (Remington Steele, 5th James Bond, Dante’s Peak, The Thomas Crown Affair)
  • 1955 Debra Winger, Cleveland Heights, Ohio, actress (Urban Cowboy, An Officer and a Gentleman, Terms of Endearment, Shadowlands, A Dangerous Woman, Rachel Getting Married )
  • 1966 Janet Jackson, Gary, Indiana, singer (“Nasty”, “Rhythm Nation”, “That’s the Way Love Goes”, “Together Again” , “All for You” )
  • 1966 Scott Reeves, Delight, Arkansas, actor and singer (The Young and the Restless , General Hospital )
  • 1969 David Boreanaz, Buffalo, New York, actor (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Angel, Bones)
  • 1972 Khary Payton, Augusta, Georgia, actor (Cyborg in the Teen Titans; Aqualad in Young Justice; Ripcord in G.I. Joe: Renegades )
  • 1986 Megan Fox, Oak Ridge, Tennessee, actress (Hope and Faith; Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Transformers, Jenifer’s Body, Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles )

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Life is what happens to you while you’re busy making other plans. – ­John Lennon

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1771 The Battle of Alamance, a pre-American Revolutionary War battle between local militia and a group of rebels called “The Regulators”, occurs in present-day Alamance County, North Carolina.
  • 1777 Lachlan McIntosh and Button Gwinnett shoot each other during a duel near Savannah, Georgia. Gwinnett, a signatory to the United States Declaration of Independence, dies three days later.
  • 1815 The Governor of New South Wales, Lachlan Macquarie, officially names the town of Blackheath in the upper Blue Mountains.
  • 1836 Edgar Allan Poe marries his 13-year-old cousin Virginia.
  • 1866 The U.S. Congress eliminates the half dime coin and replaces it with the five cent piece, or nickel.
  • 1866 Charles Elmer Hires invents root beer.
  • 1868 President Andrew Johnson is acquitted in his impeachment trial by one vote in the United States Senate.
  • 1874 A flood on the Mill River in Massachusetts destroys much of four villages and kills 139 people.
  • 1910 The United States Congress authorizes the creation of the United States Bureau of Mines.
  • 1929 In Hollywood, California, the first Academy Awards are handed out.
  • 1975 Junko Tabei becomes the first woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
  • 1983 Sudan People’s Liberation Army/Movement rebels against the Sudanese government.
  • 1986 The Seville Statement on Violence is adopted by an international meeting of scientists, convened by the Spanish National Commission for UNESCO, in Seville, Spain.
  • 1988 A report by United States’ Surgeon General C. Everett Koop states that the addictive properties of nicotine are similar to those of heroin and cocaine.
  • 1991 Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland addressed a joint session of the United States Congress. She is the first British monarch to address the U.S. Congress.
  • 1992 STS-49: Space Shuttle Endeavour lands safely after a successful maiden voyage.
  • 2003 In Casablanca, Morocco, 33 civilians are killed and more than 100 people are injured in the Casablanca terrorist attacks.
  • 2011 STS-134 (ISS assembly flight ULF6), launched from the Kennedy Space Center on the 25th and final flight for Space Shuttle Endeavour.

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This guy comes home from work one day to find his dog with the neighbor’s pet rabbit in his mouth. The rabbit is very dead and the guy panics.
He thinks the neighbors are going to hate him forever, so he takes the dirty, chewed-up rabbit into the house, gives it a bath, blow-dries its fur, and puts the rabbit back into the cage at the neighbor’s house, hoping that they will think it died of natural causes.
A few days later, the neighbor is outside and asks the guy, “Did you hear that Fluffy died?”
The guy stumbles around and says, “Um.. no.. um.. what happened?”
The neighbor replies, “We just found him dead in his cage one day, but the weird thing is that the day after we buried him we went outside and someone had dug him up, gave him a bath and put him back into the cage. There must be some real sick people out there!”

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A concerned husband went to a doctor to talk about his wife. He says to the doctor, ‘Doctor, I think my wife is deaf because she never hears me the first time and always asks me to repeat things.’

‘Well,’ the doctor replied, ‘go home and tonight stand about 15 feet from her and say something to her. If she doesn’t reply move about 5 feet close and say it again. Keep doing this so that we’ll get an idea about the severity of her deafness’.

Sure enough, the husband goes home and does exactly as instructed. He starts off about 15 feet from his wife in the kitchen as she is chopping some vegetables and says, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’ He hears no response. He moves about 5 feet closer and asks again. No reply. He moves 5 feet closer. Still no reply. He gets fed up and moves right behind her, about an inch away, and asks again, ‘Honey, what’s for dinner?’

She replies, ‘For the fourth time, beef stew!’

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ONE-LINERS: A man fell into a pit and couldn’t get himself out…

~ A subjective person came along and said, “I feel for you down there.”

~ An objective person walked by and said, “It’s logical that someone would fall down there.”

~ A Pharisee said, “Only bad people fall into pits.”

~ A mathematician calculated how deep the pit was.

~ A news reporter wanted the exclusive story on the pit.

~ An IRS agent asked if he was paying taxes on the pit.

~ A self-pitying person said, “You haven’t seen anything until you’ve seen my pit.”

~ A fire-and-brimstone preacher said, “You deserve your pit.”

~ A Christian Scientist observed, “The pit is just in your mind.”

~ A psychologist noted, “Your mother and father are to blame for your being in that pit.”

~ A self-esteem therapist said, “Believe in yourself and you can get out of that pit.”

~ An optimist said, “Things could be worse.”

~ A pessimist claimed, “Things will get worse.”

Jesus, seeing the man, took him by the hand and lifted him out of the pit.

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So these two men arrive in heaven at the same time. Saint Peter asks them to step forward and give their name and occupation. The first man steps up and says, “I’m Jim Walzcek, Taxi Driver.

Saint Peter reviews his list, “Ah, yes”. Hands him a silk robe, hands him a gold staff and welcomes him to heaven.

The next man steps forward and says,” I’m Gene Nelson and I was a Lutheran minister for 43 years”.

Saint Peter reviews his list, ‘Ah, yes”. Hands him a cotton robe, passes him a wooden staff and welcomes him to heaven.

The minister, looking a bit taken aback, says, “I don’t mean to seem ungrateful but the man in front of me received silk and gold”.

Saint Peter replied, “We judge by results. While you preached people slept, while he drove people prayed.

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pic of the day: Seward Totem Pole

pic of totem pole with Seward on top
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A father took his little girl to see Star Wars. He noticed she alternated between excitement and puzzlement. After the movie he asked her what she thought of it.
She replied “Well Dad, I liked it a lot, except I couldn’t understand a word that big hairy guy said.”
He shrugged and said, “That’s the way the Wookie mumbles.”

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The bartender asks the guy sitting at the bar, ‘What’ll you have?’

The guy answers, ‘A scotch, please.’

The bartender hands him the drink, and says, ‘That’ll be five dollars,’ to which the guy replies, ‘What are you talking about? I don’t owe you anything for this.’

A lawyer, sitting nearby and overhearing the conversation, then says to the bartender, ‘You know, he’s got you there. In the original offer, which constitutes a binding contract upon acceptance, there was no stipulation of remuneration.’

The bartender was not impressed, but says to the guy, ‘Okay, you beat me for a drink. But don’t ever let me catch you in here again.’

The next day, same guy walks into the bar. Bartender says, ‘What the heck are you doing in here? I can’t believe you’ve got the audacity to come back!’

The guy says, ‘What are you talking about? I’ve never been in this place in my life!’

The bartender replies, ‘I’m very sorry, but this is uncanny. You must have a double.’

To which the guy replies, ‘Thank you. Make it a scotch.’

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A little girl asked her mother, ‘How did the human race begin?’ The mother answered, ‘God made Adam and Eve and they had children and so all mankind began with His creation.’
Two days later the girl asked her father the same question. The father answered, ‘Many years ago there were monkeys from which the human race evolved.’
The confused girl returned to her mother and said, ‘Mom, how is it possible that you told me the human race was created by God, and Dad said they evolved from monkeys?’
The mother answered, ‘Well, dear, it is very simple. I told you about my side of the family and your father told you about his.’

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A young executive was leaving the office at 6 pm when he found the CEO standing in front of a shredder with a piece of paper in hand.

“Listen,” said the CEO, “this is important, and my secretary has left. Can you make this thing work?

“Certainly,” said the young executive. He turned the machine on, inserted the paper, and pressed the start button.

“Excellent, excellent!” said the CEO as his paper disappeared inside the machine. “I just need one copy.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Will you marry me? Do you have any money? Answer the second question first. – Groucho Marx

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
What’s money? A man is a success if he gets up in the morning and goes to bed at night and in between does what he wants to do. – ­Bob Dylan

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