May 19, 2014

If the wind will not serve, take to the oars. – ­Latin Proverb

TODAY – MAY 19th – MONDAY

139th day of 2014 with 226 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Boy’s Club Day

*Malcolm X Day

*National Devil’s Food Cake Day

* St. Dunstan’s Day (According to legend, St. Dunstan made a pact with the devil to spare apple and pear blossoms from late frosts nine years out of ten. In the tenth year, there was a frost on this day.)

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

  • 1795 Johns Hopkins, Anne Arundel County, Maryland, philanthropist (founded Johns Hopkins University)
  • 1868 John Fillmore Hayford, Rouses Point, New York, civil engineer and geodesist (established modern science of geodesy, the measurement and representation of the Earth)
  • 1897 Frank Luke Jr., Phoenix, Arizona, fighter ace (ranks 2nd to Captain Eddie Rickenbacker in number of aerial victories during WWI among U.S. Army Air Service pilots (Luke Air Force Base named in his honor))
  • 1925 Malcolm X, Omaha, Nebraska, civil rights activist
  • 1928 Colin Chapman, English engineer and businessman (founded Lotus Car)
  • 1934 James Charles Lehrer, Wichita, Kansas, news anchor (McNeil-Lehrer Report)
  • 1935 David Hartman, Pawtucket, Rhode Island, TV personality (Good Morning America, History on PBS)
  • 1939 Francis R “Dick” Scobee, Cle Elum, Washingon, USAF/astronaut (STS 41C, 51L-Challenger disaster)
  • 1939 Nancy Kwan, Hong Kong, actress (Flower Drum Song, The Wrecking Crew, Walking the Edge, Noble House, Dragon: The Bruce Lee Story)
  • 1941 Bobby Burgess, Long Beach, California, dancer, singer, one of Walt Disney’s original “Mouseketeers” (Lawrence Welk Show)
  • 1941 Jane Brody, Brooklyn, New York, writer/nutritionist (Jane Brody’s Good Food Book)
  • 1942 Gary Kildall, Seattle, Washington, computer programmer (CP/M operating system); PBS/The Computer Chronicles)
  • 1946 André the Giant, French-American wrestler and actor (The Princess Bride)
  • 1948 Grace Jones [Mendoza], Jamaica, singer/actress (Vamp, A View to a Kill)
  • 1949 Archie Manning, Drew, Mississippi, football player and sportscaster (CBS Sports’ college football)
  • 1955 James Gosling, Canadian-American computer scientist (created Java)
  • 1966 Sophia Crawford, English actress/ martial artist (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Chameleon/WMAC Masters)
  • 1966 Jodi Picoult, Long Island, New York, writer (The Pact, Plain Truth, My Sister’s Keeper, Wonder Woman, Lone Wolf, The Storyteller)
  • 1980 Drew Fuller, Atherton, California, actor (Charmed, Army Wives)
  • 1986 Eric Lloyd, Glendale, California, actor (Charlie Calvin/ Santa Clause trilogy, Wonder Years, Jesse. True Perfection)

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Either write something worth reading or do something worth writing. – ­Benjamin Franklin

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1535 French explorer Jacques Cartier sets sail on his second voyage to North America with 3 ships.
  • 1536 Anne Boleyn, the second wife of Henry VIII of England, is beheaded for adultery, treason, and incest.
  • 1828 Tariff of 1828 signed into law by U.S. President John Quincy Adams to protect wool manufacturers in the United States.
  • 1848 Mexico ratifies the Treaty of Guadalupe Hidalgo thus ending the war and ceding California, Nevada, Utah and parts of five other modern-day U.S. states to the USA for USD $15 million.
  • 1885 Jan Matzeliger began the first U.S. mass production of shoes, in Lynn, Massachusetts.
  • 1906 Federated Boys’ Club (Boys’ Club of America) organizes.
  • 1910 The Earth passed through the tail of Halley’s Comet, the most intimate contact between the Earth and any comet in recorded history.
  • 1921 Congress passes the Emergency Quota Act establishing national quotas on immigration.
  • 1962 Birthday salute to U.S. President John F. Kennedy at Madison Square Garden, NYC. Marilyn Monroe sang Happy Birthday.
  • 1971 Mars probe program: Mars 2 is launched by the Soviet Union.
  • 1973 99th Preakness: Ron Turcotte aboard Secretariat wins in 1:54.4
  • 1994 Final Episode of LA Law after 8 year run.
  • 1997 The Sierra Gorda Biosphere, the most ecologically diverse region in Mexico, is established as a result of grassroots efforts.

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As a guy takes his seat on an airplane, he is surprised to find a parrot strapped in next to him. After taking off, the flight attendant comes around to serve the passengers on the plane. The guy asks the flight attendant for a coffee and the parrot squawks: “And get ME a coke…NOW!” The flight attendant, flustered by the parrot’s attitude, brings back a coke for the parrot. However, she forgets the coffee for the guy.

As the guy points this out, the parrot drains his glass and screams: “Get me another coke or I’ll really create a scene!”

Quite upset, the attendant comes back shaking, with another coke, but still no coffee. Irritated at her forgetfulness, the man decides to try the parrot’s approach. “I’ve asked you twice for a coffee. Go and get it right now, or I’ll create a scene that will make HIS look like a Victorian tea party!”

The next moment, both the guy and the parrot are grabbed and thrown out of the emergency exit by two burly security guards. Hurtling towards earth, the parrot turns to him and says: “You’re pretty cheeky for a guy who can’t fly!”

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A man and a woman walk into a very posh Rodeo Drive furrier. ”Show the lady your finest mink!” the fellow exclaims. So the owner of the shop goes in back and comes out with an absolutely gorgeous full-length coat. As the lady tries it on, the furrier discreetly whispers to the man, ”Ah, sir, that particular fur goes for $65,000.”

”No problem! I’ll write you a check!”

”Very good, sir.” says the shop owner. ”Today is Saturday. You may come by on Monday to pick it up, after the check has cleared.”

So the man and the woman leave. On Monday, the fellow returns. The store owner is outraged, ”How dare you show your face in here?! There wasn`t a single penny in your checking account!!”

”I just had to come by,” grinned the guy, ”to thank you for the most wonderful weekend of my life!”

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ONE-LINERS: Ten Signs That You’re At A Bad Zoo

1. When no one else is looking, you swear that the monkeys are mocking you.

2. The Bears exhibit is nothing more than the guys cut from the football team during training camp.

3. The stripes on the zebra tend to peel away in the heat.

4. The Zookeeper always wants to take the Rhino for a walk.

5. The Lion in the lion cage closely resembles the one from The Lion King.

6. The alligator in the Reptiles exhibit is nothing more than the University of Florida’s Mascot.

7. If you deposit 50 cents, the giraffe will magically appear and talk to you.

8. Ask the Tour Guide too many questions and you’re suddenly dipped in some sort of sauce and placed in the Tigers den.

9. The Elephant appear to be two guys in a two part Elephant suit.

10. Two words: Hippo Dogs!
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One afternoon a man came home from work to find total mayhem in his house.  His three children were outside, still in their pajamas, playing in the mud, with empty food boxes and wrappers strewn all around the front yard.

The door of his wife’s car was open, as was the front door to the house.  Proceeding into the entry, he found an even bigger mess.  A lamp had been knocked over, and the throw rug was wadded against one wall.

In the front room the TV was loudly blaring a cartoon channel, and the family room was strewn with toys and various items of clothing.  In the kitchen, dishes filled the sink, breakfast food was spilled on the counter, dog food was spilled on the floor, a broken glass lay under the table, and a small pile of sand was spread by the back door. He quickly headed up the stairs, stepping over toys and more piles of clothes, looking for his wife.

He was worried she may be ill, or that something serious had happened. He found her lounging in the bedroom, still curled in the bed in her pajamas, reading a novel. She looked up at him, smiled, and asked how his day went. He looked at her bewildered and asked, “What happened here today?”

She again smiled and answered, “You know everyday when you come home from work and ask me what in the world did I do today?”

“Yes,” was his incredulous reply.
She answered, “Well, today I didn’t do it.”

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pic of the day: Who is it?

picture of sign about visiting church
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

It happened once upon a time — ten princes were cursed by an evil fairy godmother and turned into large, regal white birds. Their sister was advised by the local wizard to crochet magical shirts from nettles which, when cast over her brothers, would return them to their princely forms.

The sister whiled away the time while crocheting in the company of a close friend, one ‘Little Miss Muffet’ from a neighbouring tale. The two would sit on their tuffets and eat curds, and unfortunately the tenth nettle-shirt accidently got soaked in the bottom of the bowl.

Fortunately for both the tenth prince and his sister, the shirt still performed its magical function, but in after years he would tease her about the fine white fuzz which had remained on his chest following his restoration to princely duties;

“That’s `Whey Down upon the Swan’,” he ribbed her…

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A college graduate applied for a job at the Central Intelligence Agency. Together with several other applicants, he was given a sealed envelope and told to take it to the fourth floor.

As soon as the young man was alone, he stepped into an empty hallway and opened the packet. Inside, a message read: “You’re our kind of person. Report to the fifth floor.”

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A couple was arranging for their wedding, and asked the bakery to inscribe the wedding cake with “1 John 4:18” which reads: “There is no fear in love, but perfect love casts out fear.”

The bakery evidently lost, smudged or otherwise misread the noted reference, and beautifully inscribed on the cake “John 4:18”: “For you have had five husbands, and the man you have now is not your husband.”

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NATURAL SELECTION OF M&M’S

Whenever I get a package of plain M&Ms, I make it my duty to continue the strength and robustness of the candy as a species. To this end, I hold M&M duels.

Taking two candies between my thumb and forefinger, I apply pressure, squeezing them together until one of them cracks and splinters. That is the “loser,” and I eat the inferior one immediately. The winner gets to go another round. I have found that, in general, the brown and red M&Ms are tougher, and the newer blue ones are genetically inferior.

I have hypothesized that the blue M&Ms as a race cannot survive long in the intense theatre of competition that is the modern candy and snack-food world.

Occasionally I will get a mutation, a candy that is misshapen, or pointier, or flatter than the rest. Almost invariably this proves to be a weakness, but on very rare occasions it gives the candy extra strength. In this way, the species continues to adapt to its environment.

When I reach the end of the pack, I am left with one M&M, the strongest of the herd. Since it would make no sense to eat this one as well, I pack it neatly in an envelope and send it to M&M Mars, A Division of Mars, Inc., Hackettstown, NJ 17840-1503 U.S.A. Send it along with a 3×5 card reading, “Please use this M&M for breeding purposes.”

This week they wrote back to thank me, and sent me a coupon for a free 1/2 pound bag of plain M&Ms. I consider this “grant money.” I have set aside the weekend for a grand tournament. From a field of hundreds, we will discover the True Champion.

There can be only one.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: People never say “it’s only a game” when they’re winning.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
You don’t have to specialize – do everything that you love and then, at some time, the future will come together for you in some form. – Francis Ford Coppola

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