MAY 2, 2014

Education costs money. But then so does ignorance. –  ­Sir Claus Moser

TODAY – MAY 2nd – FRIDAY

122nd day of 2014 with 243 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Baby Day

*Brothers and Sisters Day

*National Truffles Day

*International Tuba Day (first Friday in May)

*Date Your Mate Month

*National Barbecue Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1601 Athanasius Kircher, German Jesuit/inventor (Master of a Hundred Arts)
  • 1802 Heinrich Gustav Magnus, Berlin, German chemist and physicist (Magnus effect, Magnus’s green salt)
  • 1837 General Henry M. Robert, Robertville, South Carolina, army engineer, author of Pocket Manual of Rules of Order for Deliberative Assemblies
  • 1844 Elijah McCoy, Ontario, Canada, Inventor (held over 50 patents including a lubricator for steam engines (“the Real McCoy”))
  • 1890 E[dward] E[lmer] “Doc” Smith, Shevovoan, Wisconsin, sci-fi author (Triplanetary)
  • 1903 Benjamin Spock, New Haven, Connecticut, pediatrician/author (Common Sense Book of Baby Care)
  • 1925 Roscoe Lee Browne, Woodbury, New Jersey, actor (Black Like Me, Logan’s Run, Legal Eagles, Treasure Planet)
  • 1935 Lance LeGault, Chicago, Illinois, actor (The A-Team )
  • 1937 Lorenzo Music, Brooklyn, New York, voice actor (Garfield, Rhoda, Disney’s Adventures of the Gummi Bears, The Real Ghostbusters)
  • 1946 David Suchet, London, England, actor (Agatha Christie’s Hercule Poirot / Murder on the Orient Express; The Way We Live Now)
  • 1946 Lesley Gore, New York City, New York, singer (“It’s My Party” )
  • 1948 Larry Gatlin, Seminole, Texas, country singer (Gatlin Brothers)
  • 1952 Christine Baranski, Buffalo, New York, actress (Cybill, The Big Bang Theory, The Good Wife, Legal Eagles, Addams Family Values, Chicago)
  • 1972 Dwayne “The Rock” Johnson, Hayward, California, professional wrestler, actor (The Mummy Returns, The Scorpion King, Get Smart, Race to Witch Mountain, Tooth Fairy, Hercules)
  • 1985 Kyle Thomas Busch, Las Vegas, Nevada, race car driver and team owner (drives No. 18 Toyota Camry in the NASCAR Sprint Cup Series; No. 54 Toyota Camry in Nationwide Series for Joe Gibbs Racing. Owns Kyle Busch Motorsports, which runs multiple trucks in the Camping World Truck Series)
  • 1985 Sarah Hughes, Great Neck, New York, figure skater (Gold Medal at Olympics 2002)
  • 1986 Emily Hart, Sayville, New York, actress (The Right Connection, Sabrina the Teenage Witch, Witchright Hall )

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There are no traffic jams along the extra mile. – ­Roger Staubach

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1670 King Charles II of England grants a permanent charter to the Hudson’s Bay Company to open up the fur trade in North America.
  • 1775 The first scientific study of the Gulf Stream is completed by Benjamin Franklin.
  • 1863 During the Civil War Stonewall Jackson is wounded by friendly fire while returning to camp after reconnoitering during the Battle of Chancellorsville. He succumbs to pneumonia eight days later.
  • 1885 “Good Housekeeping” magazine is first published.
  • 1890 Organic Act for the Territory of Oklahoma provided framework of a territorial government.
  • 1920 In Indianapolis, the Negro National League baseball plays their first game.
  • 1932 Comedian Jack Benny’s radio show airs for the first time.
  • 1945 World War II: The US 82nd Airborne Division liberates Wöbbelin concentration camp finding 1000 dead inmates, most starved to death.
  • 1946 The “Battle of Alcatraz” takes place, killing two guards and three inmates.
  • 1952 The world’s first ever jet airliner, the De Havilland Comet 1 makes its maiden flight, from London to Johannesburg.
  • 1955 Tennessee Williams wins the Pulitzer Prize for Drama for Cat on a Hot Tin Roof.
  • 1969 The British ocean liner Queen Elizabeth 2 departs on her maiden voyage to New York City.
  • 1998 To define and execute the European Union’s monetary policy, The European Central Bank is founded in Brussels.
  • 2000 President Bill Clinton announces that accurate GPS access would no longer be restricted to the United States military.
  • 2003 From the flight deck of the USS Abraham Lincoln, US President George W. Bush announced in a nationally televised address in front of a “Mission Accomplished” banner that major combat operations in Iraq had ended.
  • 2008 Cyclone Nargis makes landfall in Myanmar killing over 130,000 people and leaving millions of people homeless.
  • 2012 Selling for $120 million in a New York City auction, a pastel version of The Scream, by Norwegian painter Edvard Munch set a new world record for a work of art at auction.

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It was election time and a politician decided to go out to the local reservation and try to get the Native American vote. They were all assembled in the Council Hall to hear the speech. The politician had worked up to his finale, and the crowd was getting more and more excited. “I promise better education opportunities for Native Americans!”
The crowd went wild, shouting “Hoya! Hoya!”
The politician was a bit puzzled by the native word, but was encouraged by their enthusiasm. “I promise gambling reforms to allow a Casino on the Reservation!”
“Hoya! Hoya!” cried the crowd, stomping their feet.
“I promise more social reforms and job opportunities for Native Americans!”
The crowd reached a frenzied pitch shouting “Hoya! Hoya! Hoya!”
After the speech, the Politician was touring the Reservation, and saw a tremendous herd of cattle.
Since he was raised on a ranch, and knew a bit about cattle, he asked the Chief if he could get closer to take a look at the cattle. “Sure,” the Chief said, “but be careful not to step in the hoya.”

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“Boss, I need to ask for tomorrow off. We’re doing some heavy house-cleaning at home and my wife wants me to help with the heavy lifting and hauling.”

“We’re short-handed. I wish I could, but I just can’t give you the time off.”

“Thank you, sir! I knew I could count on you!”

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ONE-LINERS: If They Made Toasters …
~ If financial planners made toasters, the bread would pop up and down but turn out just fine in 5 ­ 10 years. (Nancy Lininiger)
~ If Social Security made toasters, we would worry if there would be enough people to put bread in when we want toast out. (Terry Wall)
~ If telemarketers made toasters, they would ONLY work in the middle of your dinner. (Bob Minott)
~ If Mohammad made toasters, they would be for prophet. (Sharon Janis)
~ If casino moguls made toasters you would put in two slices of bread and get back one.
~ If Wyle E. Coyote made toasters they would char the user instead of the bread.
~ If bread made toasters, they would sell them as “portable tanning salons”.
~ If Cinderella made a toaster, at midnight it would turn into an Easy Bake oven.
~ If Britney Spears made a toaster it would be made of plastic.
~ If Bob Barker made a toaster the price would be right.
~ If CPAs made toasters, every crumb would count.
~ If cats made toasters, the bread would come out only when it wanted to.
~ If Al Gore made toasters, he would claim to have invented them.
~ If Martha Stewart made toasters they would be a good thing.

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A priest, a rabbi and a lawyer are traveling together. It’s starting to get late and they need to find a place to sleep. There are no hotels in the area, so when they come across a farm they stop and ask the farmer if he could put them up.
“Sure, but my guest room is only big enough for two people. One of you will have to sleep in the barn.”
The priest says, “I don’t mind sleeping with God’s creatures. I will take the barn.” So they all agreed and went to their rooms.
About an hour later there is a knock at the guest room door. There stands the priest. “There is a cow in the barn and it’s a Friday in Lent. I’m sorry, but I’m going to have to sleep in the guest room.”
“That’s OK,” says the rabbi, “I’ll sleep in the barn,” and out he goes.
Half an hour after that there’s another knock on the door. It’s the rabbi. “I’m sorry, but there’s a pig in the barn. My religion teaches that pigs are unclean so I’m going to have to sleep in the guest room.”
“Well, I guess that leaves me,” says the lawyer and he heads out to sleep in the barn. Ten minutes later there’s a knock at the door. It’s the cow and the pig.

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pic of the day: Rose-breasted Grosbeak

picture of Rose-breasted Grosbeak
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Phil and Bill built a skating rink on a pond in the middle of their pasture. One day a shepherd leading his flock across the field decided to take a shortcut and led the sheep directly across their pond. The sheep, however, were afraid of the ice and wouldn’t walk on it.

The shepherd began desperately tugging on them to get them to cross the ice.

“Would you look at that?” Phil says to Bill. “That guy is trying to pull the wool across our ice!”

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Little Johnny and his family were having Sunday dinner at his grandmother’s house. Everyone was seated around the table as the food was being served. When Little Johnny received his plate, he started eating right away. “Johnny! Please wait until we say our prayer,” said his mother.
“I don’t need to,” the boy replied.
“Of course, you do,” his mother insisted. “We always say a prayer before eating at our house.”
“That’s at our house,” Johnny explained. “But this is grandma’s house and she knows how to cook!”

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A homeless man, down on his luck, went into a church. Spotting the man’s dirty clothes, an usher stopped him outside the church door. “Do you need help?”

The homeless man replied, “I was praying and the Lord told me to come to this church.”

“Perhaps you should go away and pray some more. You might get a different answer.”

The following Sunday the homeless man returned. The usher again stopped him at the door. “Well, did you get a different answer?”

“Yes, I did. I told the Lord that you don’t want me here and the Lord said, ‘Keep trying, my son. I’ve been trying to get into that church for years and I haven’t made it yet either.'”

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As a sound technician at Friendship Church in Prior Lake, MN, we used a variety of wireless microphones to help make our worship services more meaningful. We were also called on to do weddings and other special events.

During one wedding the pastor, the bride, and the groom each had one of the small microphones with a wire leading down to a transmitter concealed beneath their clothing. Due to the number of mics required for the grand event, we had put some of our older mics in our collection to use. The older mics were sometimes susceptible to interference and would occasionally pick up transmissions from nearby police cars and the CB radios used by truckers.

At a critical point in the wedding vows, the pastor asked the groom that all important question, “Do you take this woman to be your lawfully wedded wife?” As if on cue a passing truck driver could be heard loud enough for everyone in the sanctuary to hear, “10-4 Good buddy.”

Everyone had a good laugh, and the wedding continued without any additional help from CB radio traffic.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Live your life so that when you die, the preacher will not have to tell lies at your funeral.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
He harms himself who does harm to another, and the evil plan is most harmful to the planner. – Hesiod, Works and Days

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