May 20, 2014

Dogs love their friends and bite their enemies, quite unlike people, who are incapable of pure love and always have to mix love and hate – Sigmund Freud

TODAY – MAY 20th – TUESDAY

140th day of 2014 with 225 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Quiche Lorraine Day

*Be a Millionaire Day

*World Metrology Day (celebrates signature by representatives of 17 nations at the Metre Convention 1875)

*Pick Strawberries Day

*Josephine Baker Day

* Emancipation Day (Florida – In the capital, Tallahassee, Civil War reenactors playing the part of Major General Edward McCook and other union soldiers act out the speech General McCook gave from the steps of the Knott House on May 20, 1865. This was the first reading of the Emancipation Proclamation in Florida.)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1759 William Thornton, West Indian-born architect (Capitol building, Washington DC)
  • 1768 Dolley Dandridge Payne Madison, New Garden, North Carolina, First Lady of US (1809-17)
  • 1818 William George Fargo, Pompey, New York, co-founder of Wells Fargo
  • 1825 George Phillips Bond, Dorchester, Maine, astronomer (made first photo of a double star, discovered a number of comets, Saturn’s moon Hyperion, etc.)
  • 1851 Emil Berliner, Germany, inventor (flat phonograph record)
  • 1901 Hideo Shima, Japan, engineer (designed & supervised construction of world’s first high-speed “bullet” train)
  • 1908 Jimmy Stewart, Indiana, Pennsylvania, actor (Mr Smith Goes to Washington, Wonderful Life)
  • 1913 William Hewlett, Ann Arbor, Michigan, engineer (co-founder Hewlett-Packard Co.)
  • 1919 George Gobel, Chicago, Illinois, comedian/TV personality (I Love My Wife)
  • 1936 Anthony Zerbe, Long Beach, California, actor (The Omega Man, License to Kill, Harry O)
  • 1940 Shorty Long, Birmingham, Alabama, musician (R&B, soul)
  • 1946 Cher, El Centro, California, singer/ actress (Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour, Silkwood, Moonstruck)
  • 1956 Dean Butler, Canadian/American, actor (Almanzo Wilder on Little House on the Prairie)
  • 1959 Bronson Pinchot, New York City, New York, actor (Perfect Strangers, Beverly Hills Cop, The Bronson Pinchot Project )
  • 1960 John Billingsley, Media, Pennsylvania, actor (Dr. Phlox/ST Enterprise, True Blood, 2012)
  • 1960 Tony Goldwyn, Los Angeles, California, actor (The Last Samauri, Ghost, voice/Tarzan, Scandal)
  • 1971 Tony Stewart, Columbus, Indiana, NASCAR race car driver
  • 1977 Matt Czuchry, Manchester, New Hampshire, actor (The Good Wife, Young Americans, Gilmore Girls, Hack, Jake 2.0)
  • 1977 Angela Goethals, New York City, New York, actress (24, Phenom, Home Alone)
  • 1993 Caroline Zhang, Boston, Massachusetts,  figure skater (2010 & 2012 Four Continents bronze medalist, 2007 World Junior Champion,  2006–2007 Jr. Grand Prix Final Champion, 2009 U.S. bronze medalist,  2008 & 2012 U.S. pewter medalist)

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We become what we think about. – ­Earl Nightingale

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1862 Homestead Act signed into law by Lincoln, providing cheap land for settlement of West.
  • 1873 Levi Strauss markets blue jeans with copper rivets, price $13.50 dozen.
  • 1875 International Bureau of Weights & Measures established by Treaty of Metre.
  • 1891 First public display of Thomas Alva Edison’s prototype kinetoscope (shown at Edison’s Laboratory for a convention of the National Federation of Women’s Clubs).
  • 1902 Cuba gained independence from the United States.
  • 1916 The Saturday Evening Post publishes its first cover with a Norman Rockwell painting (“Boy with Baby Carriage”).
  • 1927 Charles Lindbergh takes off from Roosevelt Field in Long Island, New York, on the world’s first solo non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean, touching down at Le Bourget Field in Paris at 22:22 the next day.
  • 1932 Amelia Earhart takes off from Newfoundland to begin the world’s first solo nonstop flight across the Atlantic Ocean by a female pilot, landing in Ireland the next day.
  • 1949 Armed Forces Security Agency (predecessor to the National Security Agency) is established
  • 1989 Chinese authorities declare martial law in the face of pro-democracy demonstrations, setting the scene for the Tiananmen Square massacre.
  • 1990 Hubble Space Telescope sent its first photograph from space, an image of a double star 1,260 light years away.
  • 2013 An EF5 tornado strikes the Oklahoma City suburb of Moore, killing 24 people and injuring 377 others.

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One lazy Saturday morning the wife and I were quiet and thoughtful, sitting around the breakfast table when I said to her unexpectedly, “When I die, I want you to sell all my stuff, immediately.”

“Now why would you want me to do something like that?” she asked.

“I figure a woman as fine as yourself would eventually remarry and I don’t want some other jerk using my stuff.”

She looked at me intently and said: “What makes you think I’d marry another jerk?”

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At a mass where a group of young ladies were to take their final vows to become nuns, the presiding bishop noticed two men in rabbinical garb enter the church. They found seats at the back of the sanctuary on the right side of the center aisle. The bishop wondered why they had come but didn’t have
time to inquire before the mass began.
When it came time for the announcements, his curiosity got the best of him. He announced, “I am delighted to see two rabbis in our midst at this very special mass where these young ladies are to become the ‘brides of Christ’. But I’m curious: why did you choose to be present at this occasion?”
The elder rabbi slowly rose to his feet and explained, “Family of the Groom.”

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ONE-LINERS: Six Tips to Prevent You From Becoming Shark Food

1. Don’t Swim in the Sea: More than 99% of shark attacks happen in the large water masses known as oceans. An easy way to tell if you are in an ocean is to taste the water. If it tastes salty, get out immediately.

2. Swim Alongside Fat People: Make sure that there are always fat people in the water with you. Odds are that you can swim faster than them. This increases your chances of survival.

3. Sunblock: Secretly replace the sunblock of the person next to you with BBQ rib sauce

4. Don’t Go In the Water Without A Knife: As soon as you spot a shark, furiously stab the person next to you. As soon as he is bleeding profusely, swim away as fast as you can.

5. Listen Carefully: If you hear this music: “Da-dum … da-dum … da-dum,” swim for your life!! if the music is fast like: “Da-dum, da-dum, da-dum,” give up — it’s already too late.

6. Above All, Don’t Panic: If a shark has got you, stay calm. At this late stage you are dead in any case. Survival is not an option. The people on the beach do not appreciate someone screaming and shouting like a lunatic. It just isn’t pleasant — think of the children!!

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Big Frank was having his hair styled at the hairdresser’s when a lorry smashed into a car, outside. Draped in a cape, his hair divided with aluminum clips, Frank, an ex-paratrooper corporal raced out to the car and found the driver unhurt.

The lorry driver, however, was slumped over the wheel, unconscious. Big Frank lost no time in applying his army acquired CPR techniques, including mouth-to-mouth resuscitation. The lorry driver recovered consciousness several times, but kept passing out again.

Soon the ambulance arrived with the paramedics and took over, and Frank returned to his barber’s seat. “I just don’t understand why he kept passing out,” he said to the hairdresser. “I did everything they taught me.”

“Well, put yourself in the lorry driver’s place,” said the hairdresser. “He’s driving down the street without a care in the world. The next thing he knows, he’s waking up to see some big guy in a green cape with a head full of wires pounding on his chest and kissing him. You’d pass out too.”

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pic of the day: Bluebird in Flight

bluebird flying
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A piece of string walks into a bar. “Gimme a beer!”
The bartender says, “Say … aren’t you a piece of string?”
“Why … yes, I am.”
“Well, get outta here! We don’t serve pieces of string in this bar!”
The piece of string goes outside, messes up his hair real badly and loops himself around until he has tied himself into a knot. He goes back into the bar.
The bartender eyes him suspiciously and says, “Say … aren’t you that worthless piece of string I just threw outta here?”
“I’m a frayed knot.”

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A Sunday school teacher asked her class of 5 and 6 year old students the following questions: “lf I sold my house and my car, had a big garage sale and gave all my money to the church, would l get in to heaven? ”

All the children answered, “NO!”

“If I cleaned the church every day, mowed the yard and kept everything neat and tidy, would I get in to heaven?”

Again their response was ”NO!”

She then continued, then how can l get to heaven?”

A five-year-old boy shouted, “I know, I know. You gotta be dead!”

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“It’s no good, sir,” said the hopeless pupil to his English teacher, “I try to learn, but everything you say goes in both ears and out the other.”

“Goes in both ears and out the other?” asked the puzzled teacher, “But you only have two ears.”

“You see, sir? I’m no good at math, either.”

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Two airheads on a tandem bike were pedaling up a hill. It took forever to get to the top and when they finally got there the first airhead said in a pant, “Whew, that was so hard!”

The second airhead replied, “You can say that again! If I hadn’t been pushing the brakes the whole time we would have rolled down backwards!”

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One evening after work, a man drove his secretary home after she had a little too much to drink at a party. Although nothing happened, he decided not to mention it to his wife.
Later that night, the man and his wife were driving to a movie when he spotted a high-heeled shoe hidden under the passenger seat. Pointing to something out the passenger window to distract his wife, he picked up the shoe and tossed it out of his window.
They arrived at the theater a short time later and were about to get out of the car when his wife asked, “Honey, have you seen my other shoe?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Whatever it is!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: One reason it’s so hard to save money is that our neighbors are always buying something we can’t afford.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
If you’re offered a seat on a rocket ship, don’t ask what seat! Just get on. – ­Sheryl Sandberg

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