May 27, 2014

Fate often puts all the material for happiness and prosperity into a man’s hands just to see how miserable he can make himself with them. ~Don Marquis

TODAY – MAY 27th – TUESDAY

147th day of 2014 with 218 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Sunscreen Day

*National Grape Popsicle Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1794 Cornelius Vanderbilt, Staten Island, New York, millionaire (B&O railroad)
  • 1819 Julia Ward Howe, New York City, New York, author/lecturer (Battle Hymn of the Republic)
  • 1837 “Wild Bill” Hickok, [James Butler], Troy Grove, Illinois, cowboy/scout
  • 1894 Dashiell Hammett, St. Marys Co. Maryland, author (Maltese Falcon)
  • 1907 Rachel Louise Carson, Springsdale, Pennsylvania, biologist/ecologist/writer (Silent Spring)
  • 1909 William Webster Hansen, Fresno, California, physicist (founder of microwave technology, contributed to development of radar, developed the klystron)
  • 1911 Vincent Price, St Louis, Missouri, actor (House on Haunted Hill, Fly, Laura)
  • 1912 Sam Snead, Ashwood, Virginia, golfer (top player for most of 4 decades)
  • 1915 Herman Wouk, New York City, New York, author (The Caine Mutiny, Winds of War, War & Remembrance)
  • 1923 Henry Kissinger, German immigrant to US, Secretary of State (1973-77)/Nobel Peace Prize (1973)
  • 1925 Tony Hillerman, Sacred Heart, Oklahoma, writer (Leaphorn & Chee Navajo tribal police novels/ Dancehall of the Dead, Coyote Waits)
  • 1934 Harlan [Jay] Ellison, Cleveland, Ohio, sci-fi author (7 Hugos, Doomsman, Babylon 5)
  • 1935 Lee Meriwether, Los Angeles, California, Miss America (1955) and actress (Barnaby Jones, Catwoman)
  • 1936 Louis Gossett Jr., Brooklyn, New York, actor (Roots, Officer & a Gentleman, Enemy Mine, Iron Eagle, Stargate SG-1)
  • 1961 Peri Gilpin, Waco, Texas, actress (Frasier, Make It or Break It)
  • 1965 Todd Bridges, San Francisco, California, actor (Different Strokes, Everybody Hates Chris, The Smoking Gun, TruTV Presents: World’s Dumbest…)
  • 1969 Jeremy Mayfield, Owensboro, Kentucky, NASCAR driver
  • 1975 Jamie Oliver, English chef and television personality (The Naked Chef, Jamie’s School Kitchen)
  • 1990 Chris Colfer, Clovis, California, actor, singer (Glee, Struck by Lightning, Robodog, Noel)

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Gratitude is the fairest blossom which springs from the soul. – Henry Ward Beecher

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1703 St Petersburg (Leningrad) founded by Peter the Great.
  • 1755 First municipal water pumping plant in America was installed at Bethlehem, Pa., by Hans Christopher Christiansen.
  • 1796 First U.S. patent for a piano issued to James Sylvanus McLean of New Jersey, for “an improvement in piano fortes.” The first piano-like instrument known in the U.S. was called a spinet, described in the Boston Gazette of 18 Sep 1769, and was built by John Harris.
  • 1890 Patents for the first jukebox were issued to Louis Glass and William S. Arnold for a “coin actuated attachment for phonographs.” Their first jukebox was a coin-operated Edison Class M Electric Phonograph with oak cabinet placed in the Palais Royale Saloon in San Francisco.
  • 1907 Bubonic plague breaks out in San Francisco, California.
  • 1930 The 1,046 feet (319 meters) tall Chrysler Building in New York (the tallest man-made structure at the time) opened to the public.
  • 1930 Masking tape patented by inventor Richard G. Drew of St. Paul, Minnesota. Rights were assigned to the 3M Company, which marketed the tape under the trademark “Scotch.”
  • 1933 Walt Disney Company releases the cartoon The Three Little Pigs, with its hit song “Who’s Afraid of the Big Bad Wolf?”
  • 1937 Golden Gate Bridge opened to pedestrian traffic, creating a vital link between San Francisco and Marin County.
  • 1939 DC Comics publishes its second superhero in Detective Comics #27; he is Batman, one of the most topical comic book superheroes of all time.
  • 1958 The F-4 Phantom II makes its first flight.
  • 1964 “From Russia With Love” (James Bond) premieres in US.
  • 1995 Christopher Reeve is paralyzed from the neck down after falling from his horse in a riding competition.

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When we put our house up for sale, I stressed emphatically that my sons make their beds each morning. I left for work before they left for school, and I wanted to be sure that the house looked presentable when the agent showed it to prospective buyers.

I was surprised and impressed that my 15-year-old son’s bed was perfectly made each day. One night when I went into his room, I discovered his secret.

He was fast asleep on the floor in his sleeping bag.

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A woman from the most southern part of South Carolina goes into the local newspaper office to see that the obituary for her recently deceased husband is written. The obit editor informs her that the fee for the obituary is a dollar per word. She pauses, reflects and then says, “Well, then, just let it read, ‘Billy Bob died’.”
Amused at the woman’s thrift, the editor says, “Sorry ma’am there is a seven word minimum on all obituaries.” A little flustered, she thinks things over and replies, “In that case, let it read, ‘Billy Bob died – Red truck for sale’.
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ONE-LINERS: THE COWBOY’S TEN COMMANDMENTS
1) Just one God.
2) Honor yer Ma & Pa.
3) No telling tales or gossipin’.
4) Git yourself to Sunday meeting.
5) Put nothin’ before God.
6) No foolin’ around with another fellow’s gal.
7) No killin’.
8) Watch yer mouth.
9) Don’t take what ain’t yers.
10) Don’t be hankerin’ for yer buddy’s stuff.

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On the last day of kindergarten, all the children brought presents for their teacher.

The florist’s son handed the teacher a gift. She shook it, held it up and said, ‘I bet I know what it is – it’s some flowers!’

‘That’s right!’ shouted the little boy.

Then the candy store owner’s daughter handed the teacher a gift. She held it up, shook it and said. ‘I bet I know what it is – it’s a box of candy!’

‘That’s right!’ shouted the little girl.

The next gift was from the liquor store owner’s son. The teacher held it up and saw that it was leaking. She touched a drop with her finger and tasted it. ‘Is it wine?’ she asked.

‘No,’ the boy answered.

The teacher touched another drop to her tongue. ‘Is it champagne?’ she asked.

‘No,’ the boy answered.

Finally, the teacher said, ‘I give up. What is it?’

The boy replied, ‘A puppy!’

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pic of the day: Rhododendron blooms..

picture of rhododendron blooms
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Two cartons of yogurt walk into a bar. The bartender, who was a tub of cottage cheese, says to them, “We don’t serve your kind in here.”

One of the yogurt cartons says back to him, “Why not? We’re cultured individuals.”

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AT FORT SAM HOUSTON, I knew a private whose mother baked such delicious cookies that whenever he received a package from home, he drew a crowd and was left with precious few of the goodies himself. He was eventually reassigned, and one day I bumped into him and asked if the members of his new unit were equally fond of his mother’s cookies. “They’ve never tasted them,” he replied.

He went on to explain that the first thing he did after his transfer was to write to his ten-year-old sister, asking her to send him a batch of her awful oatmeal cookies. Then he went around enthusiastically offering them to his fellow soldiers, who gagged on the first bite.

“Ever since then,” he said cheerfully, “my packages from home haven’t attracted much attention.”
–Contributed to “Humor In Uniform” by Richard Iannelli

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An out-of-towner drove his car into a ditch in a desolated area. Luckily, a local farmer came to help with his big strong horse named Buddy. He hitched Buddy up to the car and yelled, ”Pull, Nellie, pull!” Buddy didn’t move.

Then the farmer hollered, ”Pull, Buster, pull!” Buddy didn’t respond.

Once more the farmer commanded, ”Pull, Coco, pull!” Nothing.

Then the farmer nonchalantly said, ”Pull, Buddy, pull!” And the horse easily dragged the car out of the ditch.

The motorist was most appreciative and very curious. He asked the farmer why he called his horse by the wrong name three times. The farmer said, ”Oh, Buddy is blind and if he thought he was the only one pulling, he wouldn’t even try!”

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A woman came home to find her husband in the kitchen shaking frantically, almost in a dancing frenzy, with some kind of wire running from his waist towards the electric kettle. Intending to jolt him away from the deadly current, she whacked him with a handy plank of wood, breaking his arm in two places. Up to that moment, he had been happily listening to his Walkman.
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An incompetent counterfeiter spent all day making his funny money. At the end of the day he realizes he spent all his time making $15 bills.

He figures that the only way he’s going to get anything from this batch of money, is to find a place where the people aren’t too bright and change his phony money for real cash.

He travels to a small town in West Virginia and walks into a small Mom and Pop grocery store. He goes to the old man behind the counter and asks him, “Do you have change for a $15 bill?”

The old man replies, “I sure do…How would you like that? An 8 and a 7 or two 6s and a three?”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If it keeps up, man will atrophy all his limbs but the push-button finger. – Frank Lloyd Wright

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
When we were children we were grateful to those who filled our stockings at Christmas time. Why are we not grateful to God for filling our stockings with legs? – G.K. Chesterton

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