May 29, 2014

He is a wise man who does not grieve for the things which he has not, but rejoices for those which he has. – Epictetus

TODAY – MAY 29th – THURSDAY

149th day of 2014 with 216 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Learn About Composting Day

*Statehood Day (Rhode Island and Wisconsin)

*International Day of United Nations Peacekeepers

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1736 Patrick Henry, Hanover County, Virginia, patriot, 1st & 6th Governor of Virginia (“Give me liberty, or give me death!”)
  • 1874 G. K. Chesterton, English author (Orthodoxy, The Everlasting Man, Father Brown stories)
  • 1893 Max Brand, Seattle, Washington, author and war correspondent (Destry Rides Again, Dr. Kildare)
  • 1903 Bob Hope, British-born comedian and actor (did 199 known USO shows for U.S. armed forces; The Paleface, Road to Bali, The Iron Petticoat, Beau James)
  • 1906 T.H. White, British author (The Once and Future King)
  • 1917 John F. Kennedy, Brookline, Massachusetts, 35th President of the United States (assassinated 11-22-1963)
  • 1939 Al Unser, Sr., Albuquerque, New Mexico, race car driver (won Indianapolis 500 4 times)
  • 1942 Kevin Conway, New York City, New York, actor (Slaughterhouse-Five, Streets of Laredo, The Quick and the Dead, Mercury Rising )
  • 1949 Andrew Clements, Camden, New Jersey, author (Frindle, Pets to the Rescue series, Jake Drake series)
  • 1949 Robert Axelrod, New York, New York, actor (Mighty Morphin Power Rangers, Digimon)
  • 1957 Ted Levine, Bellaire, Ohio, actor (Silence of the Lambs, Monk, The Manchurian Candidate, The Hills Have Eyes, Banshee Chapter, The Bridge)
  • 1958 Annette Bening, Topeka, Kansas, actress (The Grifters, The American President, American Beauty, The Kids are all Right, Being Julia, Imagine)
  • 1958 Wayne Duvall, Silver Spring, Maryland, actor (O Brother Where Art Thou?, Leatherheads, Duplicity, The District)
  • 1961 Melissa Etheridge, Leavenworth, Kansas, singer-songwriter, guitarist, and activist
  • 1963 Lisa Whelchel, Littlefield, Texas, singer, author (The Busy Mom’s Guide to Prayer) & actress (The New Mickey Mouse Club, The Facts of Life, Survivor: Philippines, A Madea Christmas)
  • 1973 Mark Lee, Powder Springs, Georgia, guitarist and songwriter (Third Day)
  • 1975 Daniel Tosh, Boppard, Rhineland-Palatinate, West Germany, comedian (Tosh.0)
  • 1977 Danny Gerard, Mount Vernon, New York, actor (Brooklyn Bridge, Blue Skies)
  • 1987 Alessandra Torresani, Palo Alto, California, actress (Caprica, Husbands)
  • 1989 Brandon Mychal Smith, Los Angeles, California, actor and musician (Phil of the Future, So Random!, Starstruck, Let It Shine)

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If you want to turn your life around, try thankfulness. It will change your life mightily. – Gerald Good

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1660 English Restoration: Charles II is restored to the throne of Great Britain.
  • 1677 Treaty of Middle Plantation establishes peace between the Virginia colonists and the local Natives.
  • 1790 Rhode Island becomes the last of the original United States’ colonies to ratify the Constitution and is admitted as the 13th U.S. state.
  • 1798 United Irishmen Rebellion: Between 300 and 500 United Irishmen are massacred by the British Army in County Kildare, Ireland.
  • 1848 Wisconsin is admitted as the 30th U.S. state.
  • 1852 Jenny Lind left New York after her wildly successful two-year American tour.
  • 1886 Chemist John Pemberton places his first advertisement for Coca-Cola, the ad appearing in the Atlanta Journal.
  • 1918 Armenia defeats the Ottoman Army in the Battle of Sardarapat.
  • 1919 Albert Einstein’s theory of general relativity is tested (later confirmed) by Arthur Eddington and Andrew Crommelin.
  • 1942 Bing Crosby, the Ken Darby Singers and the John Scott Trotter Orchestra record Irving Berlin’s “White Christmas”, the best-selling Christmas single in history.
  • 1953 Edmund Hillary and Sherpa Tenzing Norgay become the first people to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
  • 1964 The Arab League meets in East Jerusalem to discuss the Palestinian question, leading to the formation of the Palestinian Liberation Organization.
  • 1969 General strike in Córdoba, Argentina, leading to the Cordobazo civil unrest.
  • 1985 Amputee Steve Fonyo completes cross-Canada marathon at Victoria, British Columbia, after 14 months.
  • 1999 Olusegun Obasanjo takes office as President of Nigeria, the first elected and civilian head of state in Nigeria after 16 years of military rule.
  • 1999 Space Shuttle Discovery completes the first docking with the International Space Station.
  • 2001 U.S. Supreme Court rules that disabled golfer Casey Martin can use a cart to ride in tournaments.
  • 2004 The World War II Memorial is dedicated in Washington, D.C.

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This guy was sitting in his attorney’s office. “Do you want the bad news first or the terrible news?” the lawyer said.

“Give me the bad news first.”

“Your wife found a picture worth a half-million dollars.”

“That’s the bad news?” asked the man incredulously. “I can’t wait to hear the terrible news.”

“The terrible news is that it’s of you and your secretary.”

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As a senior citizen was driving down the freeway, his car phone rang.
Answering, he heard his wife’s voice urgently warning him, “Herman, I just heard on the news that there’s a car going the wrong way on 280 Interstate. Please be careful!”
“It’s not just one car,” said Herman. “It’s hundreds of them!”
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“Doctor, my wife is convinced she’s a chicken. She goes around squawking constantly and sleeps on a large bar of wood that’s fixed up as a perch.”

“I see. And how long has your wife been suffering from this fixation?”

“For nearly two years now.”

“Why have you waited until now to seek help?”

“It was so nice having a steady supply of eggs.”

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ONE-LINERS: Proofreading is a Dying Art
(allegedly actual newspaper headlines)

~ MAN KILLS SELF BEFORE SHOOTING WIFE AND DAUGHTER (Can ghosts shoot people?)
~ SOMETHING WENT WRONG IN JET CRASH, EXPERT SAYS (Really? Ya think?)
~ POLICE BEGIN CAMPAIGN TO RUN DOWN JAYWALKERS (Now that’s taking things a bit far!)
~ PANDA MATING FAILS; VETERINARIAN TAKES OVER (What a guy!)
~ MINERS REFUSE TO WORK AFTER DEATH (Good-for-nothing’ lazy so-and-so’s!)
~ JUVENILE COURT TO TRY SHOOTING DEFENDANT (See if that works any better than a fair trial!)
~ WAR DIMS HOPE FOR PEACE (I can see where it might have that effect!)
~ IF STRIKE ISN’T SETTLED QUICKLY, IT MAY LAST AWHILE (No, really??!)
~ COLD WAVE LINKED TO TEMPERATURES (Who would have thought!)
~ COUPLE SLAIN; POLICE SUSPECT HOMICIDE (They may be on to something!)
~ RED TAPE HOLDS UP NEW BRIDGES (Wow! Now there’s something even stronger than duct tape!)
~ MAN STRUCK BY LIGHTNING: FACES BATTERY CHARGE (He probably IS the battery charge!)
~ ASTRONAUT TAKES BLAME FOR GAS IN SPACECRAFT (That’s what he gets for eating that bean burrito!)
~ KIDS MAKE NUTRITIOUS SNACKS (Do they taste like chicken?)
~ LOCAL HIGH SCHOOL DROPOUTS CUT IN HALF (Chainsaw Massacre all over again!)
~ HOSPITALS ARE SUED BY 7 FOOT DOCTORS (Must all be on the medical center’s basketball team.)
~ TYPHOON RIPS THROUGH CEMETERY; HUNDREDS DEAD (Did I read that right?)

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A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.
The operator at the other end said “Are they in your house?” He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. “I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!”
Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.
After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, “I thought you said you had shot them all!”
The man answered, “I thought you said there were no police available!”

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pic of the day: Baby Birds


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

When Beethoven passed away, he was buried in a churchyard. A couple days later, the town drunk was walking through the cemetery and heard some strange noise coming from the area where Beethoven was buried. Terrified, the drunk ran and got the priest to come and listen to it. The priest bent close to the grave and heard some faint, unrecognizable music coming from the grave.

Frightened, the priest ran and got the town magistrate.

When the magistrate arrived, he bent his ear to the grave, listened for a moment, and said, “Ah, yes, that’s Beethoven’s Ninth Symphony, being played backwards.”

He listened a while longer, and said, “There’s the Eighth Symphony, and it’s backwards, too. Most puzzling.” So the magistrate kept listening, “There’s the Seventh… the Sixth… the Fifth…”

Suddenly the realization of what was happening dawned on the magistrate. He stood up and announced to the crowd that had gathered in the cemetery, “My fellow citizens, there’s nothing to worry about. It’s just Beethoven decomposing.”

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~ Google is continuing its mission to make sure we’re never NOT looking at ads. Google says it hopes to put ads on refrigerators, dashboards, glasses, watches, and other items. This is what the smartest people in the country are working on. Instead of winning a Nobel Prize, their obituary is going to say, “Bill used his 187 IQ to figure out how to put commercials on your windshield.” – Jimmy Kimmel
~ A group of scientists have started attaching sensors to sharks to help predict hurricane intensity. They’re hoping the information they gather will save enough lives to offset the number of lives lost attaching sensors to sharks. – Seth Meyers
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A father brought his son into the doctor because the boy had a matchbox car shoved up his nose. All the while the doctor was trying to remove the car, the father kept saying “I don’t know how he did it!”

Finally the doctor removed the car, and the father and son left.

A few hours later, the father came back with the matchbox shoved up HIS nose. He told the doctor, “Now I know how he did it!”

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A Sunday School teacher was trying to explain about saying grace before meals. One of the pupils was the young son of the minister of that church, so she started the discussion by asking him, “Jerry, what does your father say when the family sits down to dinner?”
Jerry answered, “Dad says, ‘Go easy on the butter, kids, it’s three dollars a pound!'”
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The other day my wife sat at the kitchen table, looking bleary-eyed and haggard while she stared into her cup of coffee. I asked what was wrong and she replied, “Morning sickness.”
Shocked, I asked her when she had found out she was pregnant.
“What?” she exclaimed. “I’m not pregnant! I’m just sick of mornings!”

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A six-year-old comes crying to his mother because his little sister pulled his hair. “Don’t be angry,” the mother says, “Your little sister doesn’t realize that pulling hair hurts.”

A short while later, there’s more crying, and the mother goes to investigate.

This time the sister is bawling and her brother says, “Now she knows.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I finally figured out what I want to be when I get older: YOUNGER! – Maxine

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
Luxury: The lust for comfort, that stealthy thing that enters the house as a guest, and then becomes a host, and then a master. – Kahlil Gibran, The Prophet, 1923

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