May 5, 2014

You cannot be mad at somebody who makes you laugh – it’s as simple as that.- Jay Leno, O Magazine

TODAY – MAY 5th – MONDAY

125th day of 2014 with 240 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Cinco de Mayo

*International Midwives’ Day

*National Hoagie Day

*Oyster Day

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TODAY IN BIRTHDAYS:

  • 1811 John William Draper, English-American chemist, pioneered in photochemistry (discovered light initiated chemical reactions as molecules absorbed light energy: Draper Point is the point at which all substances glow a dull red (about 525 degrees C.)
  • 1818 Karl Marx, German philosopher (The Communist Manifesto)
  • 1830 John Batterson Stetson, Orange, New Jersey, hat manufacturer (Stetson hats, what else!?)
  • 1861 Peter Cooper Hewitt, New York City, New York, electrical engineer (invented the mercury-vapor lamp, an important forerunner of fluorescent lamps)
  • 1864 Nellie Bly [Elizabeth Cochran Seaman], Cochran’s Mills, New Jersey, journalist (went around the world)
  • 1884 Chief Bender, Crow Wing Co., Minnesota, pitcher (only American Indian in baseball’s Hall of Fame)
  • 1903 James Beard, Portland, Oregon, culinary expert/author (Delights & Prejudices)
  • 1914 Tyrone Power, Cincinnati, Ohio, actor (Mark of Zorro, Alexander’s Ragtime Band)
  • 1915 Alice Faye, New York City, NY, actress and singer (Poor Little Rich Girl, In Old Chicago, Alexander’s Ragtime Band, Hello Frisco Hello, Fallen Angel)
  • 1921 Arthur Leonard Schawlow, Palo Alto, California, physicist (Nobel /  laser spectroscopy)
  • 1922 Irene Gut Opdyke, Polish-American nurse (helped Jews in WWII; hid 12 in cellar to save them / autobiography, In My Hands: Memories of a Holocaust Rescuer)
  • 1930 Will Hutchins, Los Angeles, California, actor (Sugarfoot, The Shooting, Clambake, The Quest, Gunfighter)
  • 1938 Michael Murphy, Los Angeles, California, actor (Nashville, Tanner, Batman Returns, X-Men The Last Stand)
  • 1942 Marc Alaimo, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, actor (Gul Dukat/ST Deep Space 9; The Last Starfighter, Naked Gun, Total Recall)
  • 1942 Tammy Wynette, Redbay, Alabama, country singer (Stand by your Man)
  • 1943 Michael Palin, England, comedian (Monty Python, Fish Called Wanda)
  • 1944 John Rhys-Davies, England, actor (Leonardo de Vinci / ST Voyager; Sliders; voice Gimli / Lord of the Rings; Sallah / Indiana Jones films; Beyond the Mask)
  • 1955 Melinda Culea, Western Springs, Illinois, actress (Amy/The A-Team, Knots Landing, Wagons East!)
  • 1963 Scott Westerfeld, Dallas, Texas, author (Series: Succession, Uglies, Peeps, Leviathan; Midnighters trilogy)
  • 1979 Vincent Kartheiser, Minneapolis, Minnesota, actor (Angel, Mad Men, Money, Rango)
  • 1980 Hank Green, Birmingham, Alabama, musician / professional blogger (EcoGeek, VlogBrothers)

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Be happy while you’re living, for you’re a long time dead. – Scottish Proverb

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HAPPENED THIS DAY IN HISTORY:

  • 1260 Kublai Khan becomes ruler of the Mongol Empire.
  • 1494 Christopher Columbus lands on the island of Jamaica and claims it for Spain.
  • 1809 Mary Kies is first woman issued a US patent (for a technique of weaving straw with silk and thread).
  • 1816 American Bible Society organized (New York).
  • 1832 U.S. government passed an act authorizing the first vaccination program to protect Native Americans against smallpox and allotted $12,000 to pay doctors $6 a day for their services.
  • 1862 Cinco de Mayo in Mexico: Troops led by Ignacio Zaragoza halt a French invasion in the Battle of Puebla.
  • 1865 First US train robbery in the US, at North Bend, Ohio.
  • 1881 Louis Pasteur tested innoculations against anthrax upon an ox, several cows and 25 sheep. His experiment proved successful, and was a milestone in the treatment of disease.
  • 1936 First bottle with a screw cap and a pour lip patent was issued in the U.S. to Edward A. Ravenscroft, Glencoe, Illinois (No. 2,039,345).
  • 1945 The only WW II deaths of civilians on the mainland of the U.S. resulted from a Japanese bomb dropped over Gearhart Mountain, Oregon by an unmanned balloon.
  • 1955 West Germany gains full sovereignty.
  • 1961 Mercury program – Alan Shepard becomes first American in space, making a sub-orbital flight of 15 minutes aboard Freedom 7.
  • 1963 World’s first human liver transplant was performed in America by Dr. Thomas E. Starlz at a Denver, Colorado, hospital.
  • 1992 The 27th Amendment to the U.S. Constitution is ratified (prohibits any law that increases or decreases the salary of members of the Congress from taking effect until the beginning of the next set of terms of office for Representatives).
  • 2000 Conjunction of the five planets – Mercury, Venus, Mars, Jupiter and Saturn – formed a rough line across the sky with the Sun and Moon but was not visible from the earth because they were behind the Sun. Such a conjunction will not happen again until Apr 2438.
  • 2010 Mass protests in Greece erupt in response to austerity measures imposed by the government as a result of the Greek debt crisis.

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I was trying to restart an intravenous line in a male patient while his wife sat next to the hospital bed, watching my every move. I had made several attempts to insert a 22-gauge catheter and had used up all I had in my IV tray.

Another nurse passed by the doorway and I yelled, “Lisa, can you bring me a 22?”

The patient’s wife’s eyes opened wide and she said, “You’ve done it now Bobby. She’s going to shoot you!”

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A couple air-heads from warmer climes loved to fish, so they wanted to try ice fishing.

They’d took off up to Canada and found a nice, big frozen lake with a little bait shop nearby where they got all their tackle – including a sturdy ice pick.

About an hour later, one of them was back at the shop and bought another ice pick. In another hour the air-head was back, and said, “We’re going to need all the ice picks you got.”

The bait man said, “Well, OK — How are you doing out there?”

“Not very well at all,” said the air-head. “We don’t even have the boat in the water yet.”

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ONE-LINERS: THINGS TO LEARN FROM A DOG

~ Never pass up the opportunity to go for a joyride.

~ Allow the experience of fresh air and the wind in your face to be pure ecstasy.

~ When loved ones come home, always run to greet them.

~ When it’s in your best interest, practice obedience.

~ Let others know when they’ve invaded your territory.

~ Take naps and stretch before rising.

~ Run, romp and play daily.

~ Eat with gusto and enthusiasm.

~ Be loyal.

~ Never pretend to be something you’re not.

~ If what you want lies buried, dig until you find it.

~ When someone is having a bad day, be silent, sit close by and nuzzle them gently.

~ Thrive on attention and let people touch you.

~ Avoid biting when a simple growl will do.

~ On hot days, drink lots of water and lay under a shady tree.

~ When you’re happy, dance around and wag your entire body.

~ No matter how often you’re scolded, don’t buy into the guilt thing and pout. Run right back and make friends.

~ Bond with your pack.

~ Delight in the simple joy of a long walk.

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While cruising at 40,000 feet, the airplane shuddered and Mr. Benson looked out the window.

“Good lord!” he screamed, “one of the engines just blew up!”

Other passengers left their seats and came running over; suddenly the aircraft was rocked by a second blast as yet another engine exploded on the other side.

The passengers were in a panic now, and even the stewardesses couldn’t maintain order. Just then, standing tall and smiling confidently, the pilot strode from the cockpit and assured everyone that there was nothing to worry about. His words and his demeanour seemed made most of the passengers feel better, and they sat down as the pilot calmly walked to the door of the aircraft. There, he grabbed several packages from under the seats and began handing them to the flight attendants.

Each crew member attached the package to their backs.

“Say,” spoke up an alert passenger, “aren’t those parachutes?”

The pilot said they were.

The passenger went on, “But I thought you said there was nothing to worry about?”

“There isn’t,” replied the pilot as a third engine exploded. “We’re going to get help.”

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pic of the day: Something to crow about…

picture of crow on tree
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

I once met a talking fig tree. Actually, it wasn’t the tree that talked, it was the figs. They would spend all day talking to each other as they grew on the tree.
One of the figs, whose name was Justin, became a very close friend of mine. He was rather hard to understand, so sometimes I had to ask the other figs what he was saying.
One day when I was talking to him, and he came up with a phrase that sounded like “your magic nation”. I didn’t understand, so I had to ask the others what he had said. “Don’t worry,” said one, “Just the fig meant ‘your imagination’.”

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A man walks up to the bar with an ostrich behind him, and as he sits the bartender comes over, and asks for their order.

The man says, “I’ll have a beer” and turns to the ostrich. “What’s yours?”

“I’ll have a beer, too” says the ostrich. The bartender pours the beer and says

“That will be $3.40 please,” and the man reaches into his pocket and pulls out exact change for payment.

The next day, the man, and the ostrich come again, and the man says I’ll have a beer,” and the ostrich says “I’ll have the same.” Once again the man reaches into his pocket and pays with exact change.

This becomes a routine until, late one evening, the two enter again.” The usual?” asks the bartender. “Well, it’s close to last call, so I’ll have a large scotch” says the man. “Same for me” says the ostrich. “That will be $7.20” says the bartender. Once again the man pulls exact change out of his pocket and places it on the bar.

The bartender can’t hold back his curiosity any longer. “Excuse me sir. How do you manage to always come up with the exact change out of your pocket every time?”

“Well,” says the man, “several years ago I was cleaning the attic and I found an old lamp. When I rubbed it a Genie appeared and offered me two wishes. My first wish was that if I ever had to pay for anything, I just put my hand in my pocket, and the right amount of money will always be there.”

“That’s brilliant!” says the bartender. “Most people would wish for a million dollars or something, but you’ll always be as rich as you want for as long as you live!

“That’s right! Whether it’s a gallon of milk or a Rolls Royce, the exact money is always there,” says the man.

The bartender asks “One other thing, sir, what’s with the ostrich?”

The man replies “My second wish was for a chick with long legs.”

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The kindergarten student decided to see what would happen if he poked a pencil into his ear. Needless to say, the eraser end popped off and lodged in his ear.

While trying to remove the eraser the doctor asked, “Didn’t your mother ever tell you to never put anything in your ear?”

“Nope! My mom always says that with me, what goes in one ear comes out the other.”

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The parish priest was tending his garden near a convent when a passerby stopped to inquire, “How are your roses doing?”
“Not badly, but they suffer from a disease peculiar to this area known as the black death.”
“What on earth is that?”
“Nuns with scissors.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The cardiologist’s diet: If it tastes good … spit it out.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
When one door of happiness closes, another opens, but often we look so long at the closed door that we do not see the one that has been opened for us. – ­Helen Keller

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