May 7, 2014

Everyone has talent. What is rare is the courage to follow the talent to the dark place where it leads. – Erica Jong

TODAY – MAY 7th – WEDNESDAY

127th day of 2014 with 238 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Tourism Day

*National Roast Leg of Lamb Day

*National Salad Month

*Older Americans Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1812 Robert Browning, English poet (one of the foremost Victorian poets)
  • 1833 Johannes Brahms, German composer (leading musician during the Romantic period)
  • 1840 Pyotr Ilyich Tchaikovsky, Russian composer (works included symphonies, concertos, operas, ballets, and chamber music)
  • 1885 George ‘Gabby’ Hayes, Stannards, New York, actor (sidekick to Hopalong Cassidy; Gabby in movies with Roy Rogers, Gene Autry or Wild Bill Elliot, John Wayne)
  • 1901 Gary Cooper, Helena, Montana, actor (Sergeant York, High Noon, The Pride of the Yankees)
  • 1909 Edwin H. Land, Bridgeport, Connecticut, inventor ( co-founder of the Polaroid Corporation)
  • 1919 Eva Perón, Argentine first lady (1946 – 1952)
  • 1922 Darren McGavin, Spokane, Washington, actor (Kolchak: The Night Stalker, father in A Christmas Story, Mike Hammer, Riverboat, Murphy Brown)
  • 1923 Anne Baxter, Michigan City, Indiana, actress (The Razor’s Edge, All About Eve, The Ten Commandments)
  • 1931 Gene Wolfe, NYC, New York, science fiction author (The Book of the New Sun, The Death of Doctor Island, The Sword of Lictor, Soldier of the Mist, The Sorcerer’s House)
  • 1933 Johnny Unitas, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, football player (Baltimore Colts record-setting quarterback; threw touchdown pass in 47 consecutive games)
  • 1939 Sidney Altman, Canadian molecular biologist (co-Nobel / catalytic properties of RNA)
  • 1940 Angela Carter, English novelist and journalist (The Magic Toyshop, Heroes and Villians, Nights at the Circus, Wise Children)
  • 1946 Thelma Houston, Leland, Mississippi, singer (Don’t Leave Me This Way )
  • 1950 Tim Russert, Buffalo, New York, former television host of Meet the Press (d. 2008)
  • 1963 Johnny Lee Middleton, St. Petersburg, Florida, musician (Savatage, Trans-Siberian Orchestra)
  • 1964 Doug Benson, San Diego, California, comedian (Comedy Central Presents, Best Week Ever, Last Comic Standing 5th season)
  • 1971 Ivan Sergei, Hawthorne, New Jersey, actor (Dangerous Minds, Once a Thief, Crossing Jordan, Charmed, To Love and Die, High Noon)
  • 1974 Breckin Meyer, Minneapolis, Minnesota, actor (Garfield: Tale of Two Kitties; Geezers!; Franklin & Bash)
  • 2000 Maxwell Perry Cotton, San Diego, California, actor (Brothers & Sisters, A Dennis the Menace Christmas, Mr. Popper’s Penguins, Elysium)

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Never give advice unless asked. – German Proverb

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1840 The Great Natchez Tornado strikes Natchez, Mississippi killing 317 people. It is the second deadliest tornado in United States history.
  • 1846 The Cambridge Chronicle, America’s oldest surviving weekly newspaper, is published for the first time in Cambridge, Massachusetts
  • 1895 In Saint Petersburg, Russian scientist Alexander Stepanovich Popov demonstrates to the Russian Physical and Chemical Society his invention, the Popov lightning detector — a primitive radio receiver. In some parts of the former Soviet Union the anniversary of this day is celebrated as Radio Day.
  • 1915 German submarine SM U-20 sinks RMS Lusitania during WWI, killing 1,198 people including 128 Americans. Public reaction to the sinking turns many formerly pro-Germans in the United States against the German Empire.
  • 1920 The Art Gallery of Ontario, in Toronto, opens the first exhibition by the Group of Seven.
  • 1952 The concept of the integrated circuit, the basis for all modern computers, is first published by Geoffrey W.A. Dummer.
  • 1992 The Space Shuttle Endeavour is launched on its first mission (STS-49).
  • 1992 Three employees at a McDonald’s Restaurant in Sydney, Nova Scotia, Canada, are brutally murdered and a fourth permanently disabled after a botched robbery. It is the first “fast-food murder” in Canada.
  • 1994 Edvard Munch’s iconic painting The Scream is recovered undamaged after having been stolen from the National Gallery of Norway in February.
  • 1998 Mercedes-Benz buys Chrysler for $40 billion USD and forms DaimlerChrysler in the largest industrial merger in history.
  • 2004 American businessman Nick Berg is beheaded by Islamic militants. The act is recorded on videotape and released on the Internet.
  • 2007 Israeli archaeologists discover the tomb of Herod the Great south of Jerusalem.

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One day an engineer died and went to hell. He made all of these wonderful things like fans, escalators, and other great stuff.

One day God saw all of the stuff down in hell and said ,”Devil, where in hell did you get those things?”

The devil said, “We have an engineer down here and he made all of this stuff and you can’t do a thing about it!”

God screamed, “Oh yeah?! Well I’ll sue!”

The devil said “Go ahead, but where are YOU going to get a lawyer?”

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There was a man who had worked all of his life, had saved all of his money, and was a real miser when it came to his money. Just before he died, he said to his wife, “When I die, I want you to take all my money and put it in the casket with me. I want to take my money to the afterlife with me.”
And so he got his wife to promise him with all of her heart that when he died, she would put all of the money in the casket with him.
Well, he died. He was stretched out in the casket, his wife was sitting there in black, and her friend was sitting next to her. When they finished the ceremony, just before the undertakers got ready to close the casket, the wife said, “Wait just a minute!” She had a box with her; she came over with the box and put it in the casket. Then the undertakers locked the casket down, and they rolled it away.
So her friend said, “Girl, I know you weren’t foolish enough to put all that money in there with your husband.”
The loyal wife replied, “Listen, I’m a Christian; I can’t go back on my word. I promised him that I was going to put that money in that casket with him.”
“You mean to tell me you put that money in the casket with him!!!!?”
“I sure did,” said the wife. “I got it all together, put it into my account and wrote him a check. If he can cash it, he can spend it.”

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ONE-LINERS: REASONS TIME GOES FASTER AS WE AGE
~ As you move more slowly, Time gets fed up with waiting and hurries on without you.
~ I’m still working on the theory, but it involves neutrinos and back hair.
~ As our personal agility and speed decrease, the relative speed of everything else increases. I call this The Codger Principle.
~ You always move faster going downhill, right?
~ It’s not so much that Time is speeding up, you’re just missing so much more of life now that you’re in the bathroom so much.
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The European Commission has just announced an agreement whereby English will be the official language of the European Union rather than German, which was the other possibility.

As part of the negotiations, the British Government conceded that English spelling had some room for improvement and has accepted a 5- year phase-in plan that would become known as “Euro-English”.

In the first year, “s” will replace the soft “c”. Sertainly, this will make the sivil servants jump with joy. The hard “c” will be dropped in favour of “k”. This should klear up konfusion, and keyboards kan have one less letter. There will be growing publik enthusiasm in the sekond year when the troub lesome “ph” will be replaced with “f”. This will make words like fotograf 20% shorter.

In the 3rd year, publik akseptanse of the new spelling kan be expekted to reach the stage where! more komplikated changes are possible.

Governments will enkourage the removal of double letters which have always ben a deterent to akurate speling.

Also, al wil agre that the horibl mes of the silent “e” in the languag is disgrasful and it should go away.

By the 4th yer people wil be reseptiv to steps such as replasing “th” with “z” and “w” with “v”.

During ze fifz yer, ze unesesary “o” kan be dropd from vords kontaining “ou” and after ziz fifz yer, ve vil hav a reil sensi bl riten styl.

Zer vil be no mor trubl or difikultis and evrivun vil find it ezi tu understand ech oza. Ze drem of a united urop vil finali kum tru.

Und efter ze fifz yer, ve vil al be speking German like zey vunted in ze forst plas.

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pic of the day:


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q. How do astronauts eat their ice creams?
A. In floats

Q: How do you make a dinosaur float?
A: Put a scoop of ice cream in a glass of root beer and add one dinosaur!

Q: What do you get from an Alaskan cow ?
A: Ice Cream

Q: What do you get if you divide the circumference of a bowl of ice cream by its diameter?
A: Pi a’la mode.

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An Army driver was chauffeur to a Major who was a notorious womanizer. One day, the major saw a lovely girl. “Turn the car around,” he ordered.

The driver promptly stalled the car. By the time he had re-started it the girl had vanished.

“Driver,” said the major, “you’d be a total loss in an emergency.”

“I thought I did pretty well,” the driver said. “That was my girl.”

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A man was helping one of his cows give birth, when he noticed his 4-year-old son standing wide-eyed at the fence, soaking in the whole event. The man thought, “Great…he’s 4 and I’m gonna have to start explaining the birds and bees. No need to jump the gun – I’ll just let him ask, and I’ll answer.”
After everything was over, the man walked over to his son and said, “Well son, do you have any questions?”
“Just one.” gasped the still wide-eyed lad. “How fast was that calf going when he hit that cow?”

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A woman telephoned a veterinarian and asked him to come examine her cat. “I don’t know what’s wrong with her,” the woman told him. “She looks as if she’s going to have kittens, but that’s impossible. She’s never been out of the house except for when I had her on a leash.” The vet examined the cat and said there was no question about her pregnancy.

“But she can’t be,” protested the woman. “It’s impossible.”

At that point a large tom cat emerged from under the sofa.

“How about him?” asked the vet.

“Don’t be silly,” answered the woman. “That’s her brother.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: If a lawyer and an IRS agent were both drowning, and you could only save one of them, would you: (1) go to lunch or (2) surf the internet?

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
There is only one way to avoid criticism: do nothing, say nothing, and be nothing. – ­Aristotle

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