Jokes and Trivia for September 12, 2102

Our deeds determine us, as much as we determine our deeds. – Marian Evans

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 12th – WEDNESDAY

256th day of 2012 with 110 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Chocolate Milk Shake Day

*National Video Games Day

*Programmers’ Day

*Baby Safety Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1812 Richard Hoe, New York City, New York, inventor and industrialist (designed an improved printing press)
  • 1818 Richard Gatling, Como, North Carolina, American firearms inventor (Gatling gun, the first successful machine gun)
  • 1880 Henry Louis “H.L.” Mencken, Baltimore, Maryland, journalist (Sage of Baltimore), author (The American Language)
  • 1897 Irene Joliot-Curie, Paris, France, French physicist (discovered artificial radioactivity)
  • 1913 Jesse Owens, Oakville, Alabama, track and field athlete (won 4 gold medals in 1936 Summer Olympics)
  • 1914 Desmond Llewelyn, Welsh actor (Q in 17 of the James Bond movies)
  • 1931 Ian Holm, British actor (Chariots of Fire, Alien, The Fifth Element, Bilbo / The Lord of the Rings)
  • 1931 George Jones, Saratoga, Texas, country music singer
  • 1938 Tatiana Troyanos, New York City, New York, mezzo-soprano
  • 1940 Linda Gray, Santa Monica, California, actress (Sue Ellen Ewing / Dallas)
  • 1956 Ricky Rudd, Norfolk County, Virginia, retired NASCAR driver (holds record for most consecutive starts, 788)
  • 1966 Darren E. Burrows, Winfield, Kansas, actor (Cry-Baby, Amistad, Sunset Strip, Forty Shades of Blue )
  • 1974 Jennifer Nettles, Douglas, Georgia, country singer (Sugarland)
  • 1976 Bizzy Bone, Columbus, Ohio, United States, rapper (Bone Thugs-N-Harmony)
  • 1977 James McCartney, London, England, British musician, son of Paul McCartney
  • 1978 Benjamin McKenzie, Austin, Texas, American actor (The O.C., Southland )
  • 1978 Ruben Studdard, Frankfurt am Main, Germany, American singer (second season of American Idol )
  • 1981 Jennifer Hudson, Chicago, Illinois, actress and singer (Dreamgirls )
  • 1986 Emmy Rossum, New York City, New York, actress and singer (Songcatcher, An American Rhapsody, Passionada )

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No one is in control of your happiness but you; therefore, you have the power to change anything about yourself or your life that you want to change. – Barbara de Angelis

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1609 Henry Hudson begins his exploration of the Hudson River while aboard the Halve Maen.
  • 1683 Austro-Ottoman War: Battle of Vienna – several European armies join forces to defeat the Ottoman Empire.
  • 1814 Battle of North Point: an American detachment halts the British land advance to Baltimore in the War of 1812.
  • 1857 The SS Central America sinks about 160 miles east of Cape Hatteras, North Carolina, drowning a total of 426 passengers and crew, including Captain William Lewis Herndon. The ship was carrying 13–15 tons of gold from the San Francisco Gold Rush.
  • 1919 Adolf Hitler joins the German Workers Party.
  • 1948 Invasion of the State of Hyderabad by the Indian Army on the day after the Pakistani leader Jinnah’s death.
  • 1952 Strange occurrences, including a monster sighting, take place in Flatwoods, West Virginia.
  • 1966 Gemini 11, the penultimate mission of NASA’s Gemini program, and the current human altitude record holder (except for the Apollo lunar missions)
  • 1992 NASA launches Space Shuttle Endeavour on STS-47 which marked the 50th shuttle mission. On board are Mae Carol Jemison, the first African-American woman in space, Mamoru Mohri, the first Japanese citizen to fly in a US spaceship, and Mark Lee and Jan Davis, the first married couple in space.
  • 2005 Hong Kong Disneyland opens in Penny’s Bay, Lantau Island, Hong Kong.
  • 2007 Former Philippine President Joseph Estrada is convicted of the crime of plunder.
  • 2008 The 2008 Chatsworth train collision in Los Angeles between a Metrolink commuter train and a Union Pacific freight train kills 25 people.

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I sat down with a new client at the gym where I work to review her application. For the question “To what do you attribute your fitness issues?” the woman had written, “Horrendous eating habits.”

“What makes you say that?” I asked.

The woman replied, “I don’t know how to spell atrocious’.”

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As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard and down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly we realized why: we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

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ONE-LINERS: I’m  so old that …

… I remember what it was like *before* the good old days.

… I remember when Sarah Palin could have *walked* to Russia from Alaska.

… I knew the First of the Mohicans.

… my first beer was a New Milwaukee.

… when I was a boy Mad Magazine was only slightly peeved.

… undertakers think I’m an escapee.

… Abraham Lincoln’s high school was named after me.

… AARP stopped sending me renewal notices.

…I broke the fountain of youth when I stuck my toe in it.

… I spent my college spring breaks partying in Sodom and Gomorrah.

… *everything* I buy has a lifetime guarantee.

… that’s not hair on my head, it’s mold.

…I remember when the Garden of Eden was just a vacant lot.

… my dreams are sepia toned.

… monkeys evolved from me.

… I creak when I blink.

… my library card says “Alexandria.”

… when I order a three minute egg they ask for the money up front.

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pic of the day:

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~ I changed my iPhone’s name to Titanic. It’s syncing now.

~ When chemists die, they barium.

~ Jokes about German sausage are the wurst.

~ I know a guy who’s addicted to brake fluid. He says he can stop any time.

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When asked what his wife’s name was, the old Indian replied, “She is called Three Horses”.

“That’s an unusual name, What does it mean?”

“It is an old Indian saying, it means… ” NAG, NAG, NAG!”

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Yesterday at church, a lady from the congregation was presenting the children’s sermon. She walked up to the front of the church and said, “May I have all of the children?”

As the children walked forward, several parents responded, “Yes.”

One quick-witted father asked, “For how long?”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: More about MILK

~Wisconsin and California account for more than 1/3 of total U.S. milk production.

~Evidence for milk processing dating as far back as the 7th millennium BC has recently been discovered in ceramic jars in the Near East and the Balkans.

~The record milk production for a single cow in a year is 55,660 pounds of milk.

~Straight from the cow, the temperature of cow’s milk is about 97 degrees Fahrenheit.

~California produces about 21 percent of U.S. milk production each year, more than any other state.

~Starbucks uses 2 percent of the nation’s milk in their growing coffee drink business.

~Milk is white because of  the protein called Casein. Rich in calcium, Casein helps contribute to milk’s white color.

~In addition, the cream that is found in milk contains white colored fat. The more cream in milk the more white it is.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Did you hear about the two air-heads who froze to death in a drive-in movie? They went to see “Closed for the Winter.”

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

The secret of a good life is to have the right loyalties and hold them in the right scale of values. – Norman Thomas