Jokes and Trivia for May 20, 2013

Call it a clan, call it a network, call it a tribe, call it a family. Whatever you call it, whoever you are, you need one. – Jane Howard, “Families”

TODAY -MAY 20th – MONDAY

140th day of 2013 with 225 follow.

Holidays for Today:

* National Quiche Lorraine Day

* Be a Millionaire Day

* World Metrology Day

* Pick Strawberries Day

* Emancipation Day (Florida – In the capital, Tallahassee, Civil War reenactors playing the part of Major General Edward McCook and other union soldiers act out the speech General McCook gave from the steps of the Knott House on May 20, 1865. This was the first reading of the Emancipation Proclamation in Florida.)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  •  1759 William Thornton, West Indian-born architect (Capitol building, Washington DC)
  •  1768 Dolley Dandridge Payne Madison, New Garden, North Carolina, First Lady of US (1809-17)
  •  1818 William George Fargo, Pompey, New York, co-founder (Wells Fargo)
  • 1825 George Phillips Bond, Dorchester, Maine, astronomer (made first photo of a double star, discovered a number of comets, Saturn’s moon Hyperion, etc.)
  •  1851 Emil Berliner, Germany, inventor (flat phonograph record)
  • 1901 Hideo Shima, Japan, engineer (designed & supervised construction of world’s first high-speed “bullet” train)
  •  1908 Jimmy Stewart, Indiana, Pennsylvania, actor (Mr Smith Goes to Washington, Wonderful Life)
  •  1913 William Hewlett, Ann Arbor, Michigan, engineer (co-founder Hewlett-Packard Co.)
  •  1919 George Gobel, Chicago, Illinois, comedian/TV personality (I Love My Wife)
  •  1936 Anthony Zerbe, Long Beach, California, actor (The Omega Man, License to Kill, Harry O)
  •  1940 Shorty Long, Birmingham, Alabama, musician (R&B, soul)
  •  1946 Cher, El Centro, California, singer/ actress (Sonny & Cher Comedy Hour, Silkwood, Moonstruck)
  •  1956 Dean Butler, Canadian/American, actor (Almanzo Wilder on Little House on the Prairie)
  •  1959 Bronson Pinchot, New York City, New York, actor (Perfect Strangers, Beverly Hills Cop)
  •  1960 John Billingsley, Media, Pennsylvania, actor (Phlox/ST Enterprise, True Blood, 2012)
  •  1960 Tony Goldwyn, Los Angeles, California, actor (The Last Samauri, Ghost, voice/Tarzan)
  • 1971 Tony Stewart, Columbus, Indiana, NASCAR race car driver
  • 1977 Matt Czuchry, Manchester, New Hampshire, actor (The Good Wife, Young Americans, Gilmore Girls, Hack, Jake 2.0)
  • 1977 Angela Goethals, New York City, New York, actress (24, Phenom, Home Alone)
  • 1993 Caroline Zhang, Chinese-American figure skater (2010 Four Continents bronze medalist, 2007 World Junior Champion, 2006-2007 Junior Grand Prix Final Champion, 2009 U.S. bronze medalist

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Joy is not in things; it is in us. – Richard Wagner

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1862 Homestead Act signed into law by Lincoln, providing cheap land for settlement of West.
  • 1873 Levi Strauss markets blue jeans with copper rivets, price $13.50 dozen.
  • 1875 International Bureau of Weights & Measures established by Treaty of Metre.
  • 1891 First public display of Thomas Alva Edison’s prototype kinetoscope (shown at Edison’s Laboratory for a convention of the National Federation of Women’s Clubs).
  • 1902 Cuba gained independence from the United States.
  • 1916 The Saturday Evening Post publishes its first cover with a Norman Rockwell painting (“Boy with Baby Carriage”).
  • 1927 Charles Lindbergh takes off from Roosevelt Field in Long Island, New York, on the world’s first solo non-stop flight across the Atlantic Ocean, touching down at Le Bourget Field in Paris at 22:22 the next day.
  • 1932 Amelia Earhart takes off from Newfoundland to begin the world’s first solo nonstop flight across the Atlantic Ocean by a female pilot, landing in Ireland the next day.
  • 1949 Armed Forces Security Agency (predecessor to the National Security Agency) is established
  • 1989 Chinese authorities declare martial law in the face of pro-democracy demonstrations, setting the scene for the Tiananmen Square massacre.
  • 1990 Hubble Space Telescope sent its first photograph from space, an image of a double star 1,260 light years away.

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A first-time father was taking a turn at feeding the baby some strained peas. Naturally, there were traces of the food everywhere, especially on the infant.

His wife comes in, looks at the infant, then at her husband staring into space, then says, “What in the world are you doing?”

He replied, “I’m waiting for the first coat to dry, so I can put on another.”

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This is a familiar story about four people named Everybody, Somebody, Anybody, and Nobody.

There was an important job to be done and
Everybody was sure that Somebody would do it.
Anybody could have done it, but Nobody did it.
Somebody got angry about that because it was Everybody’s job.
Everybody thought that Anybody could do it, but Nobody realised that
Everybody wouldn’t do it.
It ended up that Everybody blamed Somebody when
Nobody did what Anybody could have done.

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ONE-LINERS: Bumper Stickers

WANTED: Meaningful overnight relationship.

BEER: It’s not just for breakfast anymore.

So you’re a feminist…Isn’t that cute.

Beauty is in the eye of the beer holder.

All men are idiots…. and I married their king.

IRS: We’ve got what it takes to take what you’ve got.

Hard work has a future payoff. Laziness pays off now.

Reality is a crutch for people who can’t handle drugs.

Out of my mind…Back in five minutes.

I took an IQ test and the results were negative.

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A confident little boy was practicing baseball.  He said: “I’m going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!”  Then he threw the ball up and made a huge swing and missed.

He picked up the ball again, said: “I’m going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!” threw the ball up, took a great big swing, and missed again.

Once more, he said: “I’m going to be the greatest baseball player in the world!” threw the ball in the air, made his biggest swing yet, and missed the ball yet again.

He raised both his arms and cheered: “Hooray! I’m the greatest pitcher in the world!!”

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pic of the day: Guinea Fowl in Field of Yellow Flowers

guineas-in-field-of-yellow-flowers

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

 During Nicaragua’s war between the Sandinistas and the Contras, an American speech therapist decided to help the Contras.

After his arrival, he spoke with an officer in the army and asked, “What can I do to help?”

“You’re in speech therapy?” was the reply. “How about helping with some Contra diction?”

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A grocer put up a sign that read “Eggplants, 25 each — three for a dollar.”

All day long, customers came in exclaiming: “Don’t be ridiculous! I should get four for a dollar!”

Meekly the grocer capitulated and packaged four eggplants. The tailor next door had been watching these antics and finally asked the grocer, “Aren’t you going to fix the mistake on your sign?”

“What mistake?” the grocer asked. “Before I put up that sign no one ever bought more than one eggplant.”

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A wise old gentleman retired and purchased a modest home in the summer near a junior high school. He spent the first few weeks of his retirement in peace and contentment.

Then a new school year began. The very next afternoon three young boys full of youthful afterschool enthusiasm came down his street beating merrily on every trash can they encountered. The crashing percussion continued day after day, until finally the wise old man decided it was time to take some action.

The next afternoon, he walked out to meet the young percussionists as they banged their way down the street. Stopping them, he said, “You kids are a lot of fun. I like to see you express your exuberance like that. I used to do the same thing when I was your age. Will you do me a favor? I’ll give you each a dollar if you’ll promise to come around every day and do your thing.”

The kids were elated and continued to do a bang-up job on the trash cans. A few days later, the wily retiree approached them again as they drummed their way down the street. “Look” he said, “I haven’t received my Social Security (pension) check yet, so I’m not going to be able to give you more than 25 cents. Will that be okay?”

“A lousy quarter?!” the drum leader exclaimed. “If you think we’re going to waste our time beating these cans around for a quarter, you’re nuts! No way, mister. We quit!”

And the old man enjoyed peace and serenity for the rest of his days.

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Alex had a terrible day fishing on the lake, sitting in the blazing sun all day without catching a single one.  On his way home, he stopped at the fishmonger and ordered four rainbow trout.  He told the fishmonger, “Pick four large ones out and throw them at me, will you?”

“Why do you want me to throw them at you?” Asked the salesman?  “So that I am able to tell my wife, in all honesty, that I caught them.” said Alex.

“Okay, but I suggest that you take the salmon.” “Why’s that?” “Because your wife came in earlier today and said that if you came by, I should tell you to take salmon. That’s what she’d like for supper tonight.” replied the fishmonger with a grin.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Facts about Millionaires

~ The term “millionaire” was first used in French in 1719 by Steven Fentimen. The first time the term was printed in America is believed to be in the obituary of Pierre Lorillard II, a tobacco manufacturer, in 1843.

~ Today’s millionaires in the U.S. are made up of managers (17%), educators (12%), corporate executives (7%), entrepreneur/business owners (6%), and attorneys and accountants. The $5 million+ group is made up of corporate executives (17%) and entrepreneurs/owners (12%).

~ The average millionaire goes bankrupt at least 3.5 times.

~ A 2010 study argues that millionaires (those in the top 1% of earners) pay approximately 40% of all taxes in the United States.

~ The preferred car of millionaires is a Ford. Cadillacs are second and Lincolns are third. Many millionaires avoid high-priced cars in favor of a more economical set of wheels because cars are investments with little return.

~ A pentamillionaire is someone with the net worth of $5 million. A decamillionare has a net worth of $10 million. A hectamillionaire (a.k.a. Ultra-High-Net Worth) has a net worth of $100 million.

~ In the year 1900, there were only 5,000 millionaires in the United States. In 2000, there were more than five million. Before the Great Recession, there were 9.2 million households worth $1 million or more.  (randomhistory.com)

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Silence is golden. Unless you have a preschooler, then silence is suspicious.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“The government’s view of the economy could be summed up in a few short phrases: If it moves, tax it. If it keeps moving, regulate it. And if it stops moving, subsidize it.” – Ronald Reagan

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