Jokes and Trivia for October 23, 2012

All our dreams can come true – if we have the courage to pursue them. – Walt Disney

TODAY – OCTOBER 23rd – TUESDAY

297th day of 2012 with 69 to  follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Boston Cream Pie Day

*National Canning Day

*TV Talk Show Host Day

*National Mole Day (commemorates Avogadro’s Number (6.02 x 10^23), which is a basic measuring unit in chemistry)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1762 Samuel Morey, Hebron, Connecticut,  inventor (worked on early internal combustion engines, pioneer in steamships, accumulated a total of 20 patents)
  • 1835 Adlai Stevenson I, Christian County, Kentucky, politician (23rd Vice President of the United States; Grover Cleveland President)
  • 1869 John Heisman, Cleveland, Ohio, football player and coach (Heisman trophy named after him)
  • 1873 William D. Coolidge, Hudson, Massachusetts,  physicist and inventor (incandescent electric lighting and the X-rays art)
  • 1875 Gilbert N. Lewis, Weymouth, Massachusetts,  chemist (covalent bond)
  • 1893 Gummo Marx, NYC, New York, actor & theatrical agent (represented Groucho Marx)
  • 1905 Felix Bloch, Zürich, Switzerland, Swiss physicist (NMR, Bloch wall, Bloch’s Theorem, Bloch Function (Wave), Bloch sphere)
  • 1918 James Daly, Wisconsin Rapids, Wisconsin, actor (Medical Center, Hallmark Hall of Fame (Emmy), Star Trek epidsode: Requiem for Methuselah)
  • 1922 Coleen Gray, Staplehurst, Nebraska, actress (Nightmare Alley, Red River, Stanley Kubrick’s The Killing )
  • 1925 Johnny Carson, Corning, Iowa, tv host and comedian (The Tonight Show 1962-1992)
  • 1942 Michael Crichton, Chicago, Illinois, author (The Andromeda Strain, The Terminal Man, Congo, Sphere, Jurassic Park, The Lost World, Prey)
  • 1956 Dwight Yoakam, Pikeville, Kentucky, singer, actor, director (Sling Blade, Panic Room, Crank)
  • 1958 Nancy Grace, Macon, Georgia, tv host (Nancy Grace, Closing Arguments)
  • 1959 “Weird Al” Yankovic, Downey, California, musical parodist
  • 1960 Randy Pausch, Baltimore, Maryland, professor of computer science (“The Last Lecture: Really Achieving Your Childhood Dreams“, book The Last Lecture)
  • 1964 Robert Trujillo, Santa Monica, California, bassist (Metallica)
  • 1970 Steve Wilder, Cooperstown, New York,  actor (Days of our Lives )
  • 1986 Jessica Stroup, Anderson, South Carolina,  actress (Prom Night, Vampire Bats, Left in Darkness, )
  • 1987 Faye Hamlin, Stockholm, Sweden, Swedish singer (Play)
  • 1990 Stevie Brock, Dayton, Ohio,  singer
  • 1993 Taylor Spreitler, Hattiesburg, Mississippi,  actress (Days of our Lives )
  • 1997 Daphne Blunt, Overland Park, Kansas,  teen actress and singer-songwriter
  • 1998 Amandla Stenberg, Los Angeles, California,  teen actress (The Hunger Games )

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Everyone faces challenges in life. It’s a matter of how you learn to overcome them and use them to your advantage. – Celestine Chua

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1850 The first National Women’s Rights Convention begins in Worcester, Massachusetts, United States.
  • 1861 U.S. President Abraham Lincoln suspends the writ of habeas corpus in Washington, D.C., for all military-related cases.
  • 1864 American Civil War: Battle of Westport – Union forces under General Samuel R. Curtis defeat Confederate troops led by General Sterling Price at Westport, near Kansas City.
  • 1867 72 Senators are summoned by Royal Proclamation to serve as the first members of the Canadian Senate.
  • 1929 Great Depression: After a steady decline in stock market prices since a peak in September, the New York Stock Exchange begins to show signs of panic.
  • 1929  The first North American transcontinental air service begins between New York City and Los Angeles, California.
  • 1942 All 12 passengers and crewmen aboard an American Airlines DC-3 airliner are killed when it is struck by a U.S. Army Air Forces bomber near Palm Springs, California. Amongst the victims is award-winning composer and songwriter Ralph Rainger (“Thanks for the Memory”, “Love in Bloom”, “Blue Hawaii”).
  • 1942 World War II: The Battle for Henderson Field begins during the Guadalcanal Campaign and ends on October 26.
  • 1946 The United Nations General Assembly convenes for the first time, at an auditorium in Flushing, Queens, New York City.
  • 1958 The Springhill Mine Bump – An underground earthquake traps 174 miners in the No. 2 colliery at Springhill, Nova Scotia, the deepest coal mine in North America at the time. By November 1, rescuers from around the world had dug out 100 of the victims, marking the death toll at 74.
  • 1958 The Smurfs, a fictional race of blue dwarves, later popularized in a Hanna-Barbera animated cartoon series, appear for the first time in the story La flute à six schtroumpfs, a Johan and Peewit adventure by Peyo which is serialized in the weekly comics magazine Spirou.
  • 1998 Israeli-Palestinian Conflict: Israeli Prime Minister Benjamin Netanyahu and Palestinian Chairman Yasser Arafat reach a “land for peace” agreement.
  • 2001 Apple announces the iPod.
  • 2002 Moscow Theatre Siege begins: Chechen terrorists seize the House of Culture theater in Moscow and take approximately 700 theater-goers hostage.
  • 2004 A powerful earthquake and its aftershocks hit Niigata prefecture, northern Japan, killing 35 people, injuring 2,200, and leaving 85,000 homeless or evacuated.
  • 2007 A powerful cold front in the Bay of Campeche causes the Usumacinta Jackup rig to collide with Kab 101, leading to the death and drowning of 22 people during rescue operations after evacuation of the rig.
  • 2011 A powerful 7.2 magnitude earthquake strikes Van Province, Turkey, killing 582 people and injuring thousands.

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The local council could not afford a speed camera, so they put up a sign saying:  “Slow down Nursing Home”  – It had no effect.

At the next meeting the decided to play on the paternal instincts and put up a sign: “Danger – Children at Play”  – No discernable reduction in traffic speed.

Then the chairman had a brain-wave and suggested they try a sign with: “Nudist Colony”  – As a result of the Nudist Colony notice, tractor trailers and trucks crawl thought the town.

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In a small southern town, she saw a ‘Nativity Scene’ that showed great skill and talent had gone into creating it.

One small feature bothered her: The three wise men were all wearing firemen’s helmets. Totally unable to come up with a reason or explanation, she left. At a quickie mart on the edge of town, she asked the gentleman behind the counter about the helmets.

He exploded into a rage, yelling at her, ‘You darn Yankees never do read the Bible!’

She assured him that indeed she did, but simply couldn’t recall anything about firemen in the Bible’s baby Jesus story.

He jerked his Bible from behind the counter, ruffled thru some pages, and finally jabbed his finger at a passage. Sticking it in her face he said: ‘See, it says right here, ‘The three wise man came from ‘afar”.

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ONE-LINERS: EVER WONDER

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline “Psychic Wins Lottery”?

Why is “abbreviated” such a long word?

Why is it that doctors call what they do “practice”?

Why is it that to stop Windows 98, you have to click on “Start”?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dishwashing liquid  is made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a broker?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called rush hour?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

When dog food is new and improved tasting, who tests it?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why  don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

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pic of the day: A Gray Day

image of clouds and bare trees

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Two morons stand on a cliff with their arms outstretched. One has some budgies lined up on each arm, the other has parrots lined up on his arms.

After a couple of minutes, they both leap off the cliff and fall to the ground.

Laying next to each other in intensive care at the hospital, one moron says to the other, “I don’t think much of this budgie jumping.”

The other moron replies, “Yeah, I’m not too keen on this paragliding either.”

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While walking down the street one day a Federal Politician is tragically hit by a truck and dies. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the man.

“Well, I’d like to but I have orders from higher up.  What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven.  Then you can choose were to spend eternity.”

“Really, I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the politician.

“I’m sorry but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell. The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course. In the distance is a club and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress.

They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at expense of the people.

They play a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and champagne. Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who has a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are having such a good time that, before he realizes it, it is time to go. Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens on heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him. “Now it’s time to visit heaven.”

So, 24 hours pass with the head of state joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp
and singing. They have a good time and, before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The politician reflects for a minute, then the senator answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

Now the door of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his
friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags. The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulder.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and club, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now all there is a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable.

What happened?”

The devil looks at him, smiles and says, “Yesterday we were campaigning……

Today you voted.”

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Dumb Lawyer Questions

Q:  Now, Mrs. Johnson, how was your first marriage terminated?
      A:  By death.
      Q:  And by whose death was it terminated?

12.  Q: Do you know how far pregnant you are now?
       A:  I’ll be three months on November 8.
       Q:  Apparently, then, the date of conception was August 8?
       A:  Yes
       Q:  What were you doing at the time?

13.  Q:  Mrs. Jones, do you believe you are emotionally stable?
       A:  I used to be.
       Q:  How many times have you committed suicide?

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Got moles? Read this one.

~Skin moles are so common that just about every person will develop one (or more) sometime in his/her life.

~Skin moles are among the most difficult skin conditions for modern medicine to properly treat.

~Moles as you know are skin growths that are normally dark in color. Moles are formed when pigment producing skin cells called melanocytes cluster together.

~An adult can have an average of 20-30 moles.

~Skin moles may have either disappeared, raised, faded or darkened. Hair may also have grown on the moles. Exposure to the sun may darken the moles

~There is still a chance for the moles to develop into cancerous growth. BEWARE!

~Essentially, there are 2 types of moles — congenital nevi which means moles at birth and dysplastic nevi. Only 1 percent of the population has congenital nevi. Such moles have a higher tendency to develop into malignant melanoma (cancerous growth) than moles that develop after birth. Dysplastic nevi commonly called atypical moles are much larger than common moles and can appear in different shapes and non-homogeneous colours. They are mostly passed down from parents.

~You should ask your dermatologist to examine your moles if you realize there’s abnormalities.

~Mole removal may be necessary if the mole is found to be cancerous.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A leopard can’t change his spots. – Bible, Jeremiah

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Don’t be pushed by your problems; be led by your dreams.” – Anonymous