Jokes and Trivia for February 4, 2013

There must be more to life than having everything. – Maurice Sendak

TODAY – FEBRUARY 4th – MONDAY

35th day of 2013 with 330 days to  follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Create a Vacuum Day

*Thank a Mailman Day

*Homemade Soup Day

*National Stuffed Mushroom Day

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1875 Ludwig Prandtl, Freising, Upper Bavaria,  German physicist (pioneer in the development of rigorous systematic mathematical analyses which he used for underlying the science of aerodynamics, which have come to form the basis of the applied science of aeronautical engineering)
  • 1902 Charles Lindbergh, Detroit, Michigan, pilot and activist (solo non-stop flight from New York to Paris, France)
  • 1906 Clyde Tombaugh, near Streator, Illinois, astronomer (discovered Plluto, many asteroids; called for research on UFOs)
  • 1913 Rosa Parks, Tuskegee, Alabama, civil rights activist
  • 1921 Lotfi Asker Zadeh, Baku, Azerbaijan SSR, Soviet-born mathematician and computer scientist (Founder of fuzzy mathematics, fuzzy set theory, and fuzzy logic )
  • 1940 John Schuck, Boston, Massachusetts, actor (McMillan & Wife, Law & Order: Special Victims Unit )
  • 1943 Ken Thompson, New Orleans, Louisiana, computer scientist, was one of the creators and early developers of the Plan 9 operating systems
  • 1948 Alice Cooper, Detroit, Michigan, musician (shock rock)
  • 1949 Michael Beck, Memphis, Tennessee, actor (The Warriors)
  • 1952 Lisa Eichhorn, Glens Falls, New York, actress (Yanks, Cutter’s Way, Blind Justice, The Vanishing, Stolen)
  • 1964 Noodles, Los Angeles, California, American guitarist (The Offspring)
  • 1971 Rob Corddry, Weymouth, Massachusetts, actor and comedian (Hot Tub Time Machine )
  • 1973 Oscar de la Hoya, Mexican-American boxer (gold medal at Barcelona Olypic Games in 1992, 10 world titles in 6 different weight classes)
  • 1982 Kimberly Wyatt, Warrensburg, Missouri, singer and dancer (Pussycat Dolls)
  • 1985 Bug Hall, Fort Worth, Texas, actor (The Little Rascals)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Read not to contradict and confute, nor to find talk and discourse, but to weigh and consider. – Sir Francis Bacon

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1169 A strong earthquake struck the Ionian coast of Sicily, causing tens of thousands of victims, especially in Catania.
  • 1703 In Edo (now Tokyo), 46 of the Forty-seven Ronin commit seppuku (ritual suicide) as recompense for avenging their master’s death.
  • 1789 George Washington is unanimously elected as the first President of the United States by the U.S. Electoral College.
  • 1801 John Marshall is sworn in as Chief Justice of the United States.
  • 1861 American Civil War: In Montgomery, Alabama, delegates from six break-away U.S. states meet and form the Confederate States of America.
  • 1941 The United Service Organization (USO) is created to entertain American troops.
  • 1945 World War II: The Yalta Conference between the “Big Three” (Churchill, Roosevelt, and Stalin) opens at the Livadia Palace in the Crimea.
  • 1976 In Guatemala and Honduras an earthquake kills more than 22,000.
  • 1998 An earthquake measuring 6.1 on the Richter Scale in northeast Afghanistan kills more than 5,000.
  • 1999 Unarmed West African immigrant Amadou Diallo is shot dead by four plainclothes New York City police officers on an unrelated stake-out, inflaming race-relations in the city.
  • 1999 The New Carissa runs aground near Coos Bay, Oregon.
  • 2000 German extortionist Klaus-Peter Sabotta is jailed for life for attempted murder and extortion in connection with the sabotage of German railway lines.
  • 2004 Facebook, a mainstream online social networking site, is founded by Mark Zuckerberg.
  • 2006 A stampede occurs in the ULTRA Stadium near Manila killing 71.
  • 2008 The London Low Emission Zone (LEZ) scheme begins to operate in the UK.
  • 2010 The Federal Court of Australia’s ruling in Roadshow Films v iiNet sets a precedent that Internet service providers (ISPs) are not responsible for what their users do with the services the ISPs provide them.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A businessman needed millions of dollars to close an important business transaction. He went to church to pray for the money.

He knelt in prayer next to a man who was praying for a hundred dollars to pay an urgent debt. The businessman took out his wallet and pressed the hundred dollars into the other man’s hand.

Overjoyed, the man got up and joyfully left the church.

The businessman then closed his eyes and prayed, “And now, Lord, that I have Your undivided attention …”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

“I don’t know what to do. My husband is so messy you can’t imagine. He doesn’t put anything away and I’m constantly going around the house looking for things.”

“Take a tip from me. The first week after we were married I told my husband firmly, ‘Every glass and plate that you take, wash when you are done and put it back in its place.'”

“Did it help?”

“I don’t know. I haven’t seen him since.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: ** Jokes about Lawyers **

Why won’t sharks attack lawyers?
Professional courtesy.

What do have when a lawyer is buried up to his neck in sand?
Not enough sand.

What is the definition of a shame (as in “that’s a shame”)?
When a busload of lawyers goes off a cliff.

What is the definition of a “crying shame”?
There was an empty seat.

How many lawyers does it take to stop a moving bus?
Never enough.

Have you heard about the lawyers word processor?
No matter what font you select, everything come out in fine print.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Birds Eating Suet on Snowy Day

picture of birds in snowstorm

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

For the vampire, romance was a chore.

Said, “It bites! It’s a thing I abhor.”

But a neighbor named Patty

Won his heart; drove him batty.

He’s in love with the woman necks door.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

While walking down the street one day a corrupt politician was tragically hit by a car and died. His soul arrives in heaven and is met by St. Peter at the entrance.

“Welcome to heaven,” says St. Peter. “Before you settle in, it seems there is a problem. We seldom see a high official around these parts, you see, so we’re not sure what to do with you.”

“No problem, just let me in,” says the politician.

“Well, I’d like to, but I have orders from the higher-ups. What we’ll do is have you spend one day in hell and one in heaven. Then you can choose where to spend eternity.”

“Really? I’ve made up my mind. I want to be in heaven,” says the politician.

“I’m sorry, but we have our rules.”

And with that, St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell.

The doors open and he finds himself in the middle of a green golf course.

In the distance is a clubhouse and standing in front of it are all his friends and other politicians who had worked with him.

Everyone is very happy and in evening dress. They run to greet him, shake his hand, and reminisce about the good times they had while getting rich at the expense of the people.

They played a friendly game of golf and then dine on lobster, caviar and the finest champagne.

Also present is the devil, who really is a very friendly guy who is having a good time dancing and telling jokes.

They are all having such a good time that before the politician realizes it, it is time to go.

Everyone gives him a hearty farewell and waves while the elevator rises.

The elevator goes up, up, up and the door reopens in heaven where St. Peter is waiting for him, “Now it’s time to visit heaven. ”

So, 24 hours passed with the politician joining a group of contented souls moving from cloud to cloud, playing the harp and singing. They have a good time and before he realizes it, the 24 hours have gone by and St. Peter returns.

“Well, then, you’ve spent a day in hell and another in heaven. Now choose your eternity.”

The politician reflects for a minute, then he answers: “Well, I would never have said it before, I mean heaven has been delightful, but I think I would be better off in hell.”

So St. Peter escorts him to the elevator and he goes down, down, down to hell…

Now the doors of the elevator open and he’s in the middle of a barren land covered with waste and garbage. He sees all his friends, dressed in rags, picking up the trash and putting it in black bags as more trash falls to the ground.

The devil comes over to him and puts his arm around his shoulders.

“I don’t understand,” stammers the politician. “Yesterday I was here and there was a golf course and clubhouse, and we ate lobster and caviar, drank champagne, and danced and had a great time. Now there’s just a wasteland full of garbage and my friends look miserable. What happened?”

The devil smiles at him and says,

“Yesterday we were campaigning. Today, you voted.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

15 EXERCISES WE’D BE BETTER OFF WITHOUT IN 2013…

~ Jumping on the bandwagon  

~ Wading through paperwork

~ Running around in circles  

~ Pushing your luck

~ Spinning your wheels   

~ Adding fuel to the fire

~ Beating your head against the wall 

~ Climbing the walls

~ Beating your own drum   

~ Dragging your heels

~ Jumping to conclusions   

~ Grasping at straws

~ Fishing for compliments   

~ Throwing your weight around

~ Passing the buck

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: MUSHROOMS

~Annual U.S. mushroom production is about 825 million pounds.

~The official state mushroom of Minnesota is the morel.

~Kennett Square, Pennsylvania is the Mushroom Capital of the World and home to the Phillips Mushroom Museum.

~Did you know that one portabella mushroom has more potassium than a banana? Potassium helps the human body maintain normal heart rhythm, fluid balance, and muscle and nerve function.

~The largest living organism ever found is a honey mushroom, Armillaria ostoyae. It covers 3.4 square miles of land in the Blue Mountains of eastern Oregon, and it’s still growing!

~Near Rochester, New York, there is a house shaped like a group of mushrooms.

~Three thousand years ago, mushrooms were a delicacy of the Pharaohs in Egypt, who considered them too delicate for common people to eat. They were favored in ancient Rome as a “food of the gods.”

~Cultivated in France around 1700, mushrooms were first introduced into this country as a cultivated food about 1890.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

QUIP OF THE DAY: Believe that life is worth living and your belief will help create the fact – William James.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Every great dream begins with a dreamer.  Always remember, you have within you the strength, the patience and the passion to reach for the stars to change the world. – Harriet Tubman