Jokes and Trivia for June 21, 2013

The art of living easily as to money is to pitch your scale of living one degree below your means. – Sir Henry Taylor

TODAY – JUNE 21st – FRIDAY

172nd day of 2013 with 193 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Summer Solstice

*World Music Day

*Go Skateboarding Day

*National Peaches & Cream Day

*Baby Boomers Recognition Day

*Cuckoo Warning Day

*New Hampshire Statehood Day

*National Aboriginal Day (Canada)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1759 Alexander J. Dallas, American (born in Jamaica) statesman (Secretary of the Treasury) and financier (Dallas County, AL named for him.  In World War II the United States liberty ship SS Alexander J. Dallas was named in his honor.)
  • 1774 Daniel D Tompkins, Scarsdale, New York, (D-R), Congressman, Governor of New York, and sixth Vice President of the United States (1817-25)
  • 1850 Daniel Carter Beard, Cincinnati, Ohio, founder of the Boy Scouts of America
  • 1896 Charles B. Momsen, Flushing, New York, inventor (pioneer in submarine rescue and invented the underwater escape device called the Momsen Lung)
  • 1903 Al Hirschfeld, St. Louis, Missouri, cartoonist (best known for his simple black and white satirical portraits of celebrities and Broadway stars)
  • 1921 Jane Russell, Bernijdi, Minnesota, actress & sex symbol (The Outlaw, Paleface, Calamity Jane, Foxfire, Waco)
  • 1925 Maureen Stapleton, Troy, New York, actress (Lonelyhearts, Airport, Cocoon, Plaza Suite)
  • 1938 Ron Ely, Hereford, Texas, actor / author (Tarzan, Doc Savage, Aquanauts; Jake Sands books)
  • 1940 Mariette Hartley, Weston, Connecticut, actress (ST: All Our Yesterdays episode; Polaroid spokesperson, Marooned, Law & Order: SVU)
  • 1947 Meredith Baxter-Birney, So. Pasadena, California, actor (Family Ties, Bridget loves Bernie)
  • 1947 Michael Gross, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Family Ties, Tremors)
  • 1955 Tim Bray, Canadian computer programmer (Open Text Corp., Antartica, Android)
  • 1959 Kathy Mattea, So. Charleston, West Virginia, country music/bluegrass singer
  • 1967 Carrie Preston, Macon, Georgia, actress (Desperate Housewives, True Blood, The Stepford Wives)
  • 1973 Juliette Lewis, Los Angeles, California, actress (My Stepmother is an Alien, Cape Fear, Natural Born Killers, Cold Creek Manor, The Firm)
  • 1979 Chris Pratt, Virginia, Minnesota, actor (Everwood, The OC, Parks and Recreation, Moneyball)
  • 1982 Prince William of Wales

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We can learn much from wise words, little from wisecracks, and less from wise guys. – William Arthur Ward

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1788 New Hampshire ratifies the Constitution and is thus admitted as the 9th state in the United States.
  • 1834 Cyrus Hall McCormick patents reaping machine.
  • 1887 Britain celebrates golden jubilee of Queen Victoria.
  • 1898 Guam becomes a U.S. territory.
  • 1948 1st stored computer program run, on Manchester Mark I (first machine with all components now classically regarded as characteristic of the basic computer. first computer that could store not only data but any (short!) user program in electronic memory and process it at electronic speed.)
  • 1963 Pope Paul VI (Giovanni Battista Montini) succeeds John XXIII.
  • 1977 Menachem Begin (Likud), becomes Israel’s sixth prime minister.
  • 1982 John Hinckley is found not guilty by reason of insanity for the attempted assassination of U.S. President Ronald Reagan.
  • 1990 Little Richard gets a star on Hollywood’s walk of fame.
  • 2002 The World Health Organization declares Europe polio free.
  • 2004 SpaceShipOne becomes the first privately funded spaceplane to achieve spaceflight.
  • 2006 Pluto’s newly discovered moons are officially christened Nix & Hydra.

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Once there was a golfer whose drive landed on an anthill. Rather than move the ball, he decided to hit it where it lay. He gave a mighty swing. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants exploded from the spot. Everything but the golfball. It sat in the same spot.

So he lined up and tried another shot. Clouds of dirt and sand and ants went flying again. The golf ball didn’t even wiggle.

Two ants survived. One dazed ant said to the other, “Whoa! What are we going to do?”

Said the other ant: “I don’t know about you, but I’m going to get on the ball.”

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The mother of a problem child was advised by a psychiatrist, “You are far too upset and worried about your son. I suggest you take tranquilizers regularly.”

On her next visit the psychiatrist asked, “Have the tranquilizers calmed you down?”

“Yes,” the boy’s mother answered.

“And how is your son now?” the psychiatrist asked.

“Who cares?” the mother replied.

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ONE-LINERS:

Don’t let your worries get the best of you; Remember, Moses started out as a basket case.
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Some people are kind, polite, and sweet-spirited. Until you try to sit in their pews.
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Many folks want to serve God, but only as advisers.
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It is easier to preach ten sermons than it is to live one.
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The good Lord didn’t create anything without a purpose, but mosquitoes come close.
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When you get to your wit’s end, you’ll find God lives there.
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People are funny; they want the front of the bus, the middle of the road and the back of the church.
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Opportunity may knock once, But temptation bangs on the front door forever.
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Quit griping about your church; If it were perfect, you couldn’t belong.
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If a church wants a better pastor, it only needs to pray for the one it has.
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We’re called to be witnesses, not lawyers or Judges.

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How Government Works . . . Once upon a time the government had a vast scrap yard in the middle of a desert. Congress said someone may steal from it at night, so they created a night watchman position (GS-4) and hired a person for the job.

Then Congress said, “How does the watchman do his job without instruction?” So they created a planning position and hired two people: one person to write the instructions (GS-12) and one person to do time studies (GS-11).

Then Congress said, “How will we know the night watchman is doing the tasks correctly?” So they created a Q.C. position and hired two people, one GS-9 to do the studies and one GS-11 to write the reports.

Then Congress said, “How are these people going to get paid?” So they created the following positions, a timekeeper (GS-09) and a payroll officer (GS-11) and hired two people.

Then Congress said, “Who will be accountable for all of these people?”

So they created an administrative position and hired three people: an Admin. Officer (GM-13), an Assistant Admin. Officer (GS-13) and a Legal Secretary (GS-08).

Then Congress said, “We have had this command in operation for one year and we are $18,000 over budget, we must cutback overall cost,” so they laid off the night watchman.

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pic of the day: Alligator in Florida

alligator

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A string walks into bar and asks for a rum and a cola. But the bartender says, “There is no strings allowed in here!”

So he goes into the bathroom and ties himself into a knot and frays himself at the ends.

Then he walks back out and asks for a rum and a cola. The bartender asks, “Weren’t you just the string that walked in here?”

“No,” he says, “I’m a frayed knot!”

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Father O’Malley answers the church phone: “Hello, is this Father O’Malley?”

“It is!”

“This is the IRS. Can you help us?”

“I can!”

“Do you know a Ted Houlihan?”

“I do!”

“Is he a member of your congregation?”

“He is!”

“Did he donate $10,000 to the church?”

“He will.”

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Laughable Complaints Made By Vacationers to Travel Agents. . .

1) I was bitten by a mosquito – no-one said they could bite.

2) It’s lazy of the local shopkeepers to close in the afternoons. I often needed to buy things during “siesta” time – this should be banned.

3) On my holiday to Goa in India, I was disgusted to find that almost every restaurant served curry. I don’t like spicy food at all.

4) The beach was too sandy.

5) A guest at a Novotel in Australia complained his soup was too thick and strong. He was inadvertently slurping the gravy at the time.

6) We bought “Ray-Ban” sunglasses for five Euros [£3.50. $5 USD] from a street trader, only to find out they were fake.

7) No-one told us there would be fish in the sea. The children were startled.

8) It took us nine hours to fly home from Jamaica to England it only took the Americans three hours to get home.

9) The brochure stated: “No hairdressers at the accommodation”. We’re trainee hairdressers – will we be OK staying here?

10) We had to queue outside with no air conditioning.

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Son: Mom, can I have a car for graduation?

Mother: Only if you get a haircut first.

Son: But didn’t Abraham, Moses, and Jesus have long hair?

Mother: Yes, and they walked everywhere they went.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: New Hampshire!

~New Hampshire was named by Captain John Mason for Hampshire, England.

~New Hampshire became the 9th state on this date in 1788. It was one of the original 13 colonies.

~The New Hampshire motto comes from a statement written by the Revolutionary General John Stark, hero of the Battle of Bennington.  It is Live Free or Die

~New Hampshire has 1300 lakes or ponds and about 40 rivers with a total milage of about 41,800 miles.

~The highest point is Mount Washington at 6,288 feet (1,918 m); lowest point is sea level; approximate mean elevation is 1,000 feet (305 m).

~The State Nickname is “The Granite State.”The nickname came from the fact that most of the mountains are made of granite.

~The largest private wild game preserve in North America was established in 1888 by Austin Corbin II from Newport. The preserve in 25,000 acres near Croydon Mountain.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I never married because there was no need. I have three pets at home which answer the same purpose as a husband. I have a dog which growls every morning, a parrot which swears all afternoon and a cat that comes home late at night. – Marie Corelli

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

A man of personality can formulate ideals, but only a man of character can achieve them. – Herbert Read

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