Jokes and Trivia for November 11, 2013

“People aren’t born good or bad. Maybe they’re born with tendencies either way, but its the way you live your life that matters.” ― Cassandra Clare

TODAY – NOVEMBER 11th – MONDAY

315th day of 2013 with 50 follow.

Holidays for Today:

* Veteran’s Day (U.S.) – marks the World War I cease-fire in 1918. The U.S. Congress changed the name from Armistice Day to Veterans Day in 1954 to honor and celebrate all veterans who have served during peace or wartime.

* Remembrance Day (Canada, UK, Australia) – honoring veterans who have died in service to their country

* National Sundae Day

* Bonza Bottler Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1821 Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Russian author (Crime and Punishment, The Brothers Karamazov)
  • 1836 Thomas Bailey Aldrich, Portsmouth, New Hampshire, poet and novelist (The Story of a Bad Boy, An Old Town by the Sea)
  • 1885 George S. Patton, San Gabriel, California, Army 4 star General (Third Army, World War II)
  • 1899 Pat O’Brien, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, film actor (Ragtime, Honor Among Lovers )
  • 1901 F. Van Wyck Mason, Boston, MA, author (Armored Giants, Guns for Rebellion )
  • 1914 Howard Fast, New York City, author (The Last Frontier, Spartacus, April Morning)
  • 1915 William Proxmire, Lake Forest, Illinois, (Sen-D-WI, 1957-88) (originated the Golden Fleece Awards)
  • 1922 Kurt Vonnegut Jr, Indianpolis, Indiana, author (Slaughterhouse Five, Sirens of Titan, Cat’s Cradle)
  • 1925 Jonathan Winters, Bellbrook, Ohio, comedian and actor (Wacky World of Jonathan Winters, Hee Haw, Davis Rules, Grandpa Smurf’s voice on The Smurfs (1986–89), Papa Smurf in The Smurfs (2011) and The Smurfs 2 (2013))
  • 1930 Hugh Everett, Washington, D.C., physicist (first proposed the many-worlds interpretation (MWI) of quantum physics, which he called his “relative state” formulation)
  • 1948 Vincent Schiavelli, Brooklyn, New York, actor (Amadeus, Valmont, Fast Times at Ridgemont High, Tomorrow Never Dies, Man on the Moon)
  • 1951 Kim Peek, Salt Lake City, Utah, megasavant (Exceptional memory / inspiration for Character of Raymond Babbit in Rain Man)
  • 1954 Mary Gaitskill, Lexington, Kentucky, author (Bad Behavior, Veronica, Don’t Cry)
  • 1960 Stanley Tucci, Peekskill, New York, actor and director (The Lovely Bones)
  • 1962 Demi Moore, Roswell, New Mexico, actress (Ghost, A Few Good Men , Indecent Proposal , Disclosure, Charlie’s Angels)
  • 1964 Calista Flockhart, Freeport, Illinois, actress (Ally McBeal, Brothers & Sisters)
  • 1970 Lee Battersby, Australian author (Carrying The God, Tales of Nireym, Through Soft Air, Father Muerte series)
  • 1974 Leonardo DiCaprio, Los Angeles, California, actor (The Aviator, Titanic )
  • 1991 Christa B. Allen, Wildomar, California, actress (13 Going on 30 )

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“Don’t be afraid of death; be afraid of an unlived life. You don’t have to live forever, you just have to live.” ― Natalie Babbitt

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1620 The Mayflower Compact is signed in what is now Provincetown Harbor near Cape Cod.
  • 1750 The F.H.C. Society, also known as the Flat Hat Club, is formed at Raleigh Tavern, Williamsburg, Virginia. It is the first college fraternity.
  • 1864 Union General William Tecumseh Sherman begins burning Atlanta, Georgia to the ground in preparation for his march south during The Civil War.
  • 1889 Washington is admitted as the 42nd U.S. state.
  • 1911 Many cities in the Midwestern United States break their record highs and lows on the same day as a strong cold front rolls through.
  • 1921 The Tomb of the Unknowns is dedicated by US President Warren G. Harding at Arlington National Cemetery.
  • 1926 U.S. Route 66 is established.
  • 1930 Albert Einstein and Leó Szilárd are awarded Patent number US1781541 for their invention, the Einstein refrigerator.
  • 1940 Armistice Day Blizzard: An unexpected blizzard kills 144 in the U.S. Midwest.
  • 1966 NASA launches Gemini 12.
  • 1993 A sculpture honoring women who served in the Vietnam War is dedicated at the Vietnam Veterans Memorial in Washington, D.C.
  • 2001 Journalists Pierre Billaud, Johanne Sutton and Volker Handloik are killed in Afghanistan during an attack on the convoy they are traveling in.
  • 2004 The Palestine Liberation Organization confirms the death of Yasser Arafat from unidentified causes. Mahmoud Abbas is elected chairman of the PLO minutes later.
  • 2008 The RMS Queen Elizabeth 2 (QE2) sets sail on her final voyage to Dubai.

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Back in the 1950s when I was in the Air Force, nicknames were used to identify formation members. For instance, I was “Panic.” A four-plane formation made me “Panic Lead,” and the other jets were “Panic 2,” “Panic 3,” and “Panic 4.”

However, when we weren’t flying in formation, we simply went by the jet’s identification number. My favorite plane was AF Jet 19555 or, as we called, the “Triple Nickel.” Everyone loved to fly that plane. As soon as we took off, we were “The Triple Nickel.”

I remember coming back to Laredo AFB one day after a cross-country flight. Feeling good, I contacted the Tower with, “Laredo Tower, this is Triple Nickel chromium plated stovepipe, space ace on base, boots down and laced, like to bounce and blow!”

Obviously the Tower had heard that kind of stuff before.

They didn’t even hesitate in answering, “Rodger dodger, Triple Nickel, chromium plated stovepipe, space ace on base, with your boots down and laced. You’ve got the nod, hit the sod.”

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Golden Oldie… One foggy night, a United States Aircraft Carrier was cruising off the coast of Newfoundland and the junior radar operator spotted a light in the gloom. Here is a transcript of what happened next.

The radar operator worked out that a collision was likely unless the other vessel changed course. So he sent a radio message. “U.S. Aircraft Carrier Radar Officer: Please divert your course at least 7 degrees to the south to avoid a collision.”

Back came the reply, “You must be joking, I recommend you divert your course instead.”

The U.S. Radar Officer referred the matter to his superior officer. And reported the incident as insubordination.
As a result the Captain of the Air Craft Carrier sent a second message. “I believe that I out rank you, and am giving you a direct order to divert your course now!!!”

Canadian Radio Operator: “This is a lighthouse. I suggest you take evasive action.”

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ONE-LINERS: Reactions of different branches of the Military Upon encountering a snake in the Area of Operations (AO):

Infantry: Snake smells them, leaves area.

Airborne: Lands on and kills the snake.

Armor: Runs over snake, laughs, and looks for more snakes.

Aviation: Has Global Positioning Satellite coordinates to snake. Can’t find snake. Returns to base for refuel, crew rest and manicure.

Ranger: Plays with snake, then eats it.

Field Artillery: Kills snake with massive Time On Target barrage with three Forward Artillery Brigades in support. Kills several hundred civilians as unavoidable collateral damage. Mission is considered a success and all
participants (i.e., cooks, mechanics and clerks) are awarded Silver Stars.

Special Forces: Makes contact with snake, ignores all State Department directives and Theater Commander Rules of Engagement by building rapport with snake and winning its heart and mind. Trains it to kill other snakes. Files enormous travel settlement upon return.

Combat Engineer: Studies snake. Prepares in-depth doctrinal thesis in obscure 5 series Field Manual about how to defeat snake using countermobility assets. Complains that maneuver forces don’t understand how to properly conduct doctrinal counter-snake ops.

Navy SEAL: Expends all ammunition and calls for naval gunfire support in failed attempt to kill snake. Snake bites SEAL and retreats to safety. Hollywood makes fantasy film in which SEALS kill al Qaeda snakes.

Navy: Fires off 50 cruise missiles from ships and submarines, kills snake and makes presentation to Senate Appropriations Committee on how Naval forces are the most cost-effective means of anti-snake force projection.

Marine: Kills snake by accident while looking for souvenirs. Local civilians demand removal of all US forces from Area of Operations.

Marine Recon: Follows snake, gets lost.

Combat Controllers: Guides snake elsewhere.

Para-Rescue Jumper: Wounds snake in initial encounter, then works feverishly to save snake’s life.

Supply: (NOTICE: Your anti-snake equipment is on backorder)

Transport pilot: Receives call for anti-snake equipment, delivers two weeks after due date.

F-15 pilot: Misidentifies snake as enemy Mil-24 Hind helicopter and engages with missiles. Crew chief paints snake kill on aircraft.

F-16 pilot: Finds snake, drops two CBU-87 cluster bombs. Misses snake target, but get direct hit on Embassy 100km east of snake due to weather (Choose one: Too Hot, Too Cold, Was Clear but too overcast, Too dry with Rain, Unlimited ceiling with low cloud cover). Claims that purchasing multi-million dollar, high-tech snake-killing device will enable it in the future to kill all snakes and achieve a revolution in military affairs.

AH-64 Apache pilot: Unable to locate snake, since snakes don’t show well on infra-red. Infrared only operable in desert AO’s without power lines or SAM’s.

UH-60 Blackhawk pilot: Finds snake on fourth pass after snake builds bonfire, pops smoke, lays out VS 17 to mark Landing Zone. Rotor wash blows snake into fire.

B-52 pilot: Pulls ARCLIGHT mission on snake, kills snake and every other living thing within two miles of target.

Missile crew: Lays in target coordinates to snake in 20 seconds, but can’t receive authorization from National Command Authority to use nuclear weapons.

Intelligence officer: Snake? What snake? Only four of 35 indicators of snake activity are currently positive. We assess the potential for snake activity as LOW.

Judge Advocate General (JAG): Snake declines to bite, citing grounds of professional courtesy.

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pic of the day: Generations of Valor

picture of veteran and Marine

Veterans Day Commemoration at Dallas city Hall on 11 November 2004. Veteran Houston James, survivor of attack on Pearl Harbor in December 1941, and Marine Staff Sgt. Mark Graunke Jr., member of an ordnance-disposal team who lost his left eye, left hand, thumb & index finger of right hand, and right leg as result of injuries sustained while defusing a bomb in Iraq in July 2003.

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

There were a brother and sister who worked for the CIA during the cold war. Their names were Dwayne and Amber, and they were stationed in Paris. Their job was to sniff out Soviet spies so their cells could be neutralized. It was Paris, where restaurants were “the thing,” and the Russians always met in a restaurant.

However, our friends did not know, at any particular time, just what restaurant. Therefore, they had to go from restaurant to restaurant. In order not to be suspect they had to eat at all of the restaurants, so they practiced, if you will, bulimia for Uncle Sam.

Because of the pressure, and because of the fact that they were siblings, they were constantly bickering and were noticed. However, nobody ever thought that they were CIA spies, so they were very successful and many, many Russians were apprehended.

It was time for their annual performance appraisal which read: “They’re dutiful voracious spies, but Amber raves at Dwayne.”

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Vietnam had worked long after dark, and I ended up walking back to our Marine camp alone and unarmed. Then, in the silence, I heard the metallic clack of the bolt of an M-30 machine gun loading a live round of ammunition.

“Halt! Who goes there?” came the Marine sentry’s sharp challenge.

My mind froze, and I yelled, “Don’t shoot!” Desperate, not even able to think of my name or rank, I finally blurted, “Friend! Friend! Seabee! Seabee!”

Laughing, the Marine allowed a very shaken Seabee to pass.

–Contributed to “Humor In Uniform” by Gary Lillie

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My father was a Marine. His Navy co-workers noticed during one particularly rainy week that the rain seemed to stop whenever Dad, in full uniform, stepped out of his car to enter a building. My father explained the phenomenon to the perplexed Naval officers by saying, “God wouldn’t let it rain on a Marine.”

A few days later Dad exited his car clad in civilian clothes, and he got soaked to the bone. His Navy buddies, ready to tease him, were squelched by his explanation: “God didn’t recognize me out of uniform.”

–Contributed to “Humor In Uniform” by Diane T. Willis

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Whatever it is!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I like long walks, especially when they are taken by people who annoy me. – Fred Allen

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“Simplicity, patience, compassion.
These three are your greatest treasures.
Simple in actions and thoughts, you return to the source of being.
Patient with both friends and enemies,
you accord with the way things are.
Compassionate toward yourself,
you reconcile all beings in the world.”
― Lao Tzu, Tao Te Ching

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