Jokes and Trivia for November 13, 2013

“Never leave a friend behind. Friends are all we have to get us through this life–and they are the only things from this world that we could hope to see in the next.” ― Dean Koontz

TODAY – NOVEMBER 13th – WEDNESDAY

317th day of 2013 with 48 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Indian Pudding Day

*Sadie Hawkins Day

*World Kindness Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1850 Robert Louis Stevenson, Scottish author (Kidnapped, Strange Case of Dr Jekyll and Mr Hyde, Treasure Island)
  • 1872 Leon Leonwood Bean, Greenwood, Maine, inventor (waterproof boot), author, outdoor enthusiast (founder of L.L.Bean)
  • 1893 Edward Adelbert Doisy, St. Louis, Missouri, biochemist (Nobel / discovery of vitamin K)
  • 1927 Billy Klüver, Monaco, Swedish-American scientist (founded Experiments in Art and Technology)
  • 1935 Tom Atkins, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, actor (The Detective, The Fog, Escape from New York, Lethal Weapon, Striking Distance, Drive Angry)
  • 1941 David Green, Emporia, Kansas, businessman (founded Hobby Lobby)
  • 1947 Joe Mantegna, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Three Amigos, Forget Paris, The Starter Wife, Criminal Minds)
  • 1950 Mary Lou Metzger, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, singer (The Lawrence Welk Show)
  • 1953 Tracy Scoggins, Galveston, Texas, actress (Lois & Clark: The New Adventures of Superman)
  • 1955 Whoopi Goldberg, New York City, New York, actress, comedienne, and singer (The Color Purple, Ghost, Sister Act, The Lion King, Guinan in Star Trek: The Next Generation)
  • 1957 Stephen Baxter, British author (Xeelee Sequence, Destiny’s Children, Manifold Trilogy, Time’s Tapestry, The Time Ships)
  • 1960 Neil Flynn, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Scrubs, The Middle)
  • 1967 Jimmy Kimmel, Brooklyn, New York, comedian and talk-show host (The Man Show, Win Ben Stein’s Money, Jimmy Kimmel Live!)
  • 1967 Steve Zahn, Marshall, Minnesota, actor (National Security, Daddy Day Care, Sahara, Rescue Dawn)
  • 1969 Gerard Butler, Scottish actor (Attila, Timeline, The Phantom of the Opera, 300, Nim’s Island, The Bounty Hunter, How to Train Your Dragon,  Lara Croft Tomb Raider: The Cradle of Life, Olympus Has Fallen)
  • 1971 Noah Hathaway, Los Angeles, California, actor (Battlestar Galactica)

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“It is not a lack of love, but a lack of friendship that makes unhappy marriages.” ― Friedrich Nietzsche

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1841 James Braid first sees a demonstration of animal magnetism, which leads to his study of the subject he eventually calls hypnotism.
  • 1851 Before moving to the other side of Elliot Bay and the future site of Seattle, Washington, The Denny Party lands at Alki Point.
  • 1927 The first Hudson River vehicle tunnel linking New Jersey to New York City, The Holland Tunnel opens to traffic.
  • 1956 The Montgomery Bus Boycott was ended when the United States Supreme Court declared Alabama laws requiring segregated buses illegal.
  • 1965 The SS Yarmouth Castle burns and sinks 60 miles off Nassau with the loss of 90 lives.
  • 1982 Ray Mancini defeats Duk Koo Kim in a boxing match held in Las Vegas, Nevada. Kim’s subsequent death (on November 17) leads to significant changes in the sport.
  • 1982 The Vietnam Veterans Memorial is dedicated in Washington, D.C. after a march to its site by thousands of Vietnam War veterans.
  • 1986 The Compact of Free Association becomes law, granting the Federated States of Micronesia, the Marshall Islands independence from the United States.
  • 1990 In Aramoana, New Zealand, David Gray shoots dead 13 people, in what becomes known as the Aramoana Massacre.
  • 2000 Philippine House Speaker Manuel B. Villar, Jr. passes the articles of impeachment against Philippine President Joseph Estrada.
  • 2002 The oil tanker Prestige sinks off the Galician coast and causes a huge oil spill.
  • 2007 The Russian Federation officially withdraws from the Soviet-era Batumi military base, Georgia.

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Geoff had six children and was very proud of his achievement. He was so proud of himself that for years he called his wife, Anita, “Mother of Six,” in spite of her regular objections.

One evening, in their retirement years, they go to a party. It is late and Geoff is ready to go home and wants to find out if Anita is ready to leave as well.

Geoff bellows at the top of his voice, ‘Shall we go home, Mother of Six?’

Anita, greatly irritated by Geoff’s lack of discretion over so many years, yells back at him, ‘Anytime you’re ready, “Father of Four”.’

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In Marine Corps basic training, recruits quickly learn that everything they use “belongs” to the drill instructor. For instance, the DI refers to the contents of their footlockers as “my trash” and to the cots where they sleep as “my racks.”

One time, when some recruits were whispering in the bathroom, the DI overheard them. He suddenly yelled, “Why do I hear voices in my head?”

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ONE-LINERS: HEADLINES or, Proofreading, the Dying Art

Man Kills Self Before Shooting Wife and Daughter

Something Went Wrong in Jet Crash, Expert Says

Police Begin Campaign to Run Down Jaywalkers

Panda Mating Fails; Veterinarian Takes Over

Miners Refuse to Work after Death

Juvenile Court to Try Shooting Defendant

War Dims Hope for Peace

If Strike Isn’t Settled Quickly, It May Last Awhile

Cold Wave Linked to Temperatures

Enfield (London) Couple Slain; Police Suspect Homicide

Red Tape Holds Up New Bridges

Man Struck By Lightning Faces Battery Charge

New Study of Obesity Looks for Larger Test Group

Astronaut Takes Blame for Gas in Spacecraft

Kids Make Nutritious Snacks

Local High School Dropouts Cut in Half

Hospitals are Sued by 7 Foot Doctors

Typhoon Rips Through Cemetery; Hundreds Dead

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It was Super Bowl Sunday, and in our Presbyterian church the time for the collection of tithes and offerings was approaching. The minister, a true sports enthusiast, reached into his pocket, took out a quarter, flipped it into the air, glanced at it as it landed, then in typical referee fashion joyfully announced: “The ushers have elected to receive!”
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The small town’s sheriff was also its veterinarian. One night the phone rang and his wife answered. An agitated voice inquired, “Is your husband there?”
“Do you require his services as a sheriff or as a vet?”
“Both. We can’t get our dog’s mouth open, and there’s a burglar in it.”

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pic of the day:Okefenokee Swamp Canal

Okefenokee-Swamp-canal

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
She was only the shoemaker’s daughter, but she was built to last.

She was only the electrician’s daughter, but she had good connections.

She was only the lighthouse keeper’s daughter, but she never went out at night.

She was only the Milkman’s daughter, but she was the cream of the crop.

She was only the Moonshiner’s daughter, but I love her still.
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COMEDIAN’S QUIPS:

~A new study found that 30 percent of Americans admit to getting most of their news on Facebook. You can tell news anchors are trying to compete with Facebook because tonight Brian Williams’ top story was a picture of his cat. – Jimmy Fallon

~Robert Plant says there may be a Led Zeppelin reunion tour. I don’t want to say the band members are getting old, but their signature song is now “Stairlift to Heaven.” – Gary Bachman

~Have you been following the story about the Miami Dolphins player Richie Incognito? Here’s a guy who’s played for other teams, and been thrown off other teams. He was bullying another member of the Dolphins. Don’t you hate it when 350-pound guy is bullying a 320-pound guy? – David Letterman

~New Jersey Governor Chris Christie was re-elected by a huge margin. He gave a great speech last night. He said he learned a lot in the last four years — for example, that lap-band surgery doesn’t always work. Chris Christie won by such a wide margin that pundits say this will give him the impetus he needs to run for president. And he’s got a new slogan: “Put the oval in the Oval Office.” – Jay Leno

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THINGS YOU DON’T NECESSARILY WANT TO HEAR ON A BLIND DATE

“That’s odd. You sounded handsome on the phone.”

“I’d love to go there for dessert, but it’s outside the 2-mile radius of my ankle bracelet.”

“Please stop talking to the waiter in Klingon.”

“I didn’t realize sweater vests were still in fashion….”

“Huh. I thought Kim was a woman’s name.”

“I just love gravy on my pancakes.”

“You used to model before? Do you have the number of the person who modeled ‘after’?”

“So do you shine that bald spot or is the glare natural?”

“So when you have a downline, you make more money because you’re the upline, see?”

“Nah. It’s still bad. Have another mint.”

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Nigel and Stephen, are keen fishermen and wine drinkers; here you can see a photo taken while they are enjoying some night fishing while on holiday, with their wives, in Poitou-Charente, France, last year.

Slurping a large Bordeaux Supérieur, Nigel announces, ‘I think I’m going to divorce my wife, she hasn’t spoken to me in eighteen months.’

Stephen downs his glass of the red wine thoughtfully and after a while responds, ‘Think it over a bit more, Nige; women like that are hard to find.’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Whatever it is!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ― Linda Grayson

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“Sometimes being a friend means mastering the art of timing. There is a time for silence. A time to let go and allow people to hurl themselves into their own destiny. And a time to prepare to pick up the pieces when it’s all over.” ― Gloria Naylor

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