Jokes & Trivia for November 14, 2013

“Success is not final, failure is not fatal: it is the courage to continue that counts.” ― Winston Churchill

TODAY – NOVEMBER 14th – THURSDAY

318th day of 2013 with 47 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Operating Room Nurse Day

*National Guacamole Day

*National Pickle Day

*World Diabetes Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1765 Robert Fulton, Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, inventor (widely credited with developing the first commercially successful steamboat)
  • 1840 Claude Monet, French painter (founder of French impressionist painting / Sunrise, On the Bank of the Seine, Water Lilies)
  • 1863 Leo Hendrik Baekeland, Belgium, Flemish-American chemist and inventor (first synthetic plastic, Bakelite)
  • 1919 Veronica Lake, Brooklyn, New York, actress (Sullivan’s Travels)
  • 1936 Cornell Gunter, Coffeyville, Kansas, singer (The Coasters)
  • 1891 Frederick Banting, Canadian physician (Nobel / one of main discoverers of insulin)
  • 1896 Mamie Eisenhower, Boone, Iowa, First Lady of the United States (1953-1961; wife of President Dwight Eisenhower)
  • 1907 William Steig, Brooklyn, New York, children’s book author (Abel’s Island, Doctor De Soto, created Shrek character)
  • 1927 McLean Stevenson, Normal, Illinois, actor (Lt. Colonel Henry Blake on M*A*S*H, The Doris Day Show, guest host for The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson 58 times)
  • 1930 Edward Higgins White, San Antonio, Texas, astronaut / engineer / USAF officer (first American to walk in space on 6/3/1965; Gemini 4, Apollo 1)
  • 1943 Peter Norton, Aberdeen, Washington, software engineer (Norton computer books, pioneer in DOS-based utilities software)
  • 1947 P. J. O’Rourke, Toledo, Ohio, author / journalist (Holidays in Heck, Driving Like Crazy, The CEO of the Sofa, All the Trouble in the World)
  • 1948 Charles, Prince of Wales
  • 1949 Gary Grubbs, Amory, Mississippi, actor (JFK )
  • 1949 James Young, Chicago, Illinois, guitarist (Styx)
  • 1951 Alec John Such, Yonkers, New York, American musician (Bon Jovi)
  • 1951 Stephen Bishop, San Diego, California, American musician
  • 1954 Condoleezza Rice, Birmingham, Alabama, educator, diplomat and 66th United States Secretary of State
  • 1957 Michael J Fitzgerald, Portland, Oregon writer (best known for his technical books)
  • 1970 Brendan Benson, Royal Oak, Michigan, musician (The Raconteurs)
  • 1975 Faye Tozer, Northampton, England, British musician (Steps)
  • 1981 Vanessa Bayer, Cleveland, Ohio, comedian (Saturday Night Live )

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“Try not to become a man of success. Rather become a man of value.” ― Albert Einstein

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1770 James Bruce discovers what he believes to be the source of the Nile.
  • 1862 During the American Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln approves General Ambrose Burnside’s plan to capture the Confederate capital at Richmond, Virginia, leading to the Battle of Fredericksburg.
  • 1889 Pioneering female journalist Nellie Bly (aka Elizabeth Cochrane) begins a successful attempt to travel around the world in less than 80 days. She completes the trip in seventy-two days.
  • 1952 The first regular UK singles chart published by the New Musical Express.
  • 1957 The Apalachin Meeting outside Binghamton, New York is raided by law enforcement, and many high level Mafia figures are arrested.
  • 1965 Vietnam War: The Battle of the Ia Drang begins – the first major engagement between regular American and North Vietnamese forces.
  • 1969 Apollo program: NASA launches Apollo 12, the second manned mission to the surface of the Moon.
  • 1973 In the United Kingdom, Princess Anne marries Captain Mark Phillips, in Westminster Abbey.
  • 1975 Spain abandons Western Sahara.
  • 1982 Lech Wałęsa, the leader of Poland’s outlawed Solidarity movement, is released after eleven months of internment near the Soviet border.
  • 1990 After German reunification, the Federal Republic of Germany and the Republic of Poland sign a treaty confirming the Oder-Neisse line as the border between Germany and Poland.
  • 1991 American and British authorities announce indictments against two Libyan intelligence
  • 1991 In Royal Oak, Michigan, a fired United States Postal Service employee goes on a shooting rampage, killing four and wounding five before committing suicide.
  • 2007 The last direct-current electrical distribution system in the United States is shut down in New York City by Con Edison.

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A man and woman where on their honeymoon after a long and very happy courtship. On their honeymoon, they decide to take their horses through the beautiful mountain passes of Europe. As the horses were crossing a small stream, the woman’s horse mis-steps and jostles the man’s wife. Once across the stream, the man dismounts, walks over to the horse, and stares into its eyes. Finally, he states, “That’s one.” The man remounts his horse and they continue their ride.

A bit further down the path, the woman’s horse stumbles when stepping over a fallen tree. The man dismounts, stares the horse in the eyes, and boldly states, “That’s two!” He returns to his saddle and they move on.

As the afternoon sun began to set, the woman’s horse once again lost its footing on a mossy slope. The man dismounts, moves to the woman’s horse, and helps his wife out of the saddle. Moving to the front of the horse he stares it in the eyes and firmly says, “That’s three,” removes a pistol from his vest, and shots the horse dead.

The woman, quite upset at seeing the beautiful horse killed, says to her husband, “That’s terrible, why would you do such a thing!”

The man stares at his wife and firmly says, “That’s one!”

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One afternoon the wife went out to meet a friend for coffee. As she waited for her friend, she decided to send her husband a romantic text message and she wrote:

“If you are sleeping, send me your dreams.
If you are laughing, send me your smile.
If you are eating, send me a bite.
If you are drinking, send me a sip.
If you are crying, send me your tears.
I love you.”

The husband texted back to her:
“I’m on the toilet. Please advise.”

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ONE-LINERS:
~ The late worm misses the early bird.
~ The one who says it cannot be done should never interrupt the one who is doing it.
~ The opinions expressed are solely those of the author. You go get your own opinions!
~ The second mouse gets the cheese.
~ The secret of managing life is to keep the folks who can’t stand you away from the folks who are undecided.
~ The short fortune-teller who escaped from prison was a small medium at large.
~ There are only a few pretty children in the world and every mother has them.
~ There’s nothing more optimistic than a dog under the dinner table.
~ To err is human, but to really foul things up requires a committee.
~ To err is human; to blame it on the other guy is even more human.
~ To succeed in life, you need three things: A wishbone, a backbone and a funny bone.
~ Tomorrow is just a future yesterday.

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St. Peter says, “Well, Forrest, it’s certainly good to see you. We have heard a lot about you. I must tell you, though, that the place is filling up fast, and we’ve been administering an entrance examination for everyone. The test is short, but you have to pass it before you can get into Heaven.”

Forrest responds, “It shor is good to be here , St. Peter, sir. But nobody ever tolt me about any entrance exam. Shor hope the test ain’t too hard; life was a big enough test as it was.”

St. Peter goes on, “Yes, I know, Forrest, but the test is only three questions.

First: What two days of the week begin with the letter T?

Second: How many seconds are there in a year?

Third: What is God’s first name?”

Forrest leaves to think the questions over. He returns the next day and sees St. Peter, who waves him up and says, “Now that you have had a chance to think the questions over, tell me your answers.”

Forrest says, “Well, the first one — which two days in the week begin with the letter “T”? Shucks, that one’s easy. That’d be Today and Tomorrow.

The Saint’s eyes open wide and he exclaims, “Forrest, that’s not what I was thinking, but you do have a point, and I guess I didn’t specify, so I’ll give you credit for that answer. How about the next one?” asks St. Peter.

“How many seconds in a year?”

“Now that one’s harder,” says Forrest, “but I thunk and thunk about that and I guess the only answer can be twelve.”

Astounded, St. Peter says, “Twelve? Twelve!? Forrest, how in Heaven’s name could you come up with twelve seconds in a year?”

Forrest says “Shucks, there’s gotta be twelve: January 2nd, February 2nd, March 2nd. . …”

“Hold it, ” interrupts St. Peter. “I see where you’re going with this, and I see your point, though that wasn’t quite what I had in mind either….but I’ll have to give you credit for that one, too. Let’s go on with the third and final question. Can you tell me God’s first name”?

“Sure”, Forrest replied, “its Andy.”

“Andy?!” exclaimed an exasperated and frustrated St. Peter. “OK, I can understand how you came up with your answers to my first two questions,but just how in the world did you come up with the name Andy as the first name of God?”

“Shucks, that was the easiest one of all,” Forrest replied. “I learnt it from the song. ‘Andy walks with me. Andy talks with me. Andy tells me I am his own…'”

St. Peter opened the Pearly Gates and said: “Run Forrest, run.”

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pic of the day:

Frosty sheep

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WARNING! PUN ZONE – OLDIE-BUT-GOODIE BIBLE GROANERS

Q. What kind of man was Boaz before he married?
A. Ruthless

Q. What do they call pastors in Germany?
A. German Shepherds.

Q. Who was the greatest financier in the Bible?
A. Noah. He was floating his stock while everyone else was in liquidation.

Q. What kind of motor vehicles are in the Bible?
A. Jehovah drove Adam and Eve out of the Garden in a Fury. David’s Triumph was heard throughout the land. Honda, because the apostles were all in one Accord.

Q. What excuse did Adam give to his children as to why he no longer lived in Eden?
A. Your mother ate us out of house and home.

Q. What’s the phone number of the Garden of Eden?
A. ADAM-8-1-2

Q. Which servant of God was the most flagrant lawbreaker in the Bible?
A. Moses. He broke all 10 commandments at once.

Q. Which area of Palestine was especially wealthy?
A. The area around Jordan. The banks were always overflowing.

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In the greatest days of the British Empire, a new commanding officer was sent to a jungle outpost to relieve the retiring colonel.

After welcoming his replacement and showing the courtesies (gin and tonic, cucumber sandwiches) that protocol decrees, the retiring colonel said, “You must meet Captain Smithers, my right-hand man. He’s really the strength of this office. His talent is simply boundless.”

Smithers was summoned and introduced to the new CO, who was surprised to meet a toothless, hairless, scabbed and pockmarked specimen of humanity, a particularly unattractive man less than three feet tall.

“Smithers, old man, tell your new CO about yourself.”

“Well, sir, I graduated with honours from Sandhurst, joined the regiment and won the Military Cross and Bar after three expeditions behind enemy lines.

I’ve represented Great Britain in equestrian events and won a Silver Medal in the middleweight division of the Olympics. I have researched the history of …”

The colonel interrupted, “Yes, yes. Never mind that, Smithers, the CO can find it all in your file. Tell him about the time you told off the witch doctor.”

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Somewhat skeptical of his son’s new found determination, the father nevertheless followed the teenager over to the weight-lifting department, to admire a set of weights.

“Please, Dad,I promise I’ll use ’em every day.”

“I don’t know. It’s a big commitment on your part.”

“Please, Dad?”

“They’re not cheap either.”

“I’ll use ’em Dad, I promise. You’ll see.”

Finally won over, the father paid for the equipment and headed for the door.

From the corner of the store he heard his son yelp, “What!?! You mean I have to carry them to the car?”

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CHILDREN ON SCIENCE:

“Thunder is a rich source of loudness.”

“One horsepower is the amount of energy it takes to drag a horse 500 feet in one second.”

“Some people can tell what time it is by looking at the sun. But I have never been able to make out the numbers.”

“I am not sure how clouds get formed. But the clouds know how to do it, and that is the important thing.”

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I once was writing on a piece of paper and wondering if the word I just wrote was spelled correctly. So I paused to see if a red squiggly line would appear underneath. It didn’t.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: By trying we can easily endure adversity. Another man’s, I mean. – Mark Twain

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“It had long since come to my attention that people of accomplishment rarely sat back and let things happen to them. They went out and happened to things.” ― Leonardo da Vinci

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