Jokes & Trivia for November 15, 2013

“Remember, Hope is a good thing, maybe the best of things, and no good thing ever dies.” ― Stephen King

TODAY – NOVEMBER 15th – FRIDAY

319th day of 2013 with 46 follow.

Holidays for Today:

* American Enterprise Day

* Clean Your Refrigerator Day

* America Recycles Day

* National Philanthropy Day

* National Raisin Bran Cereal Day

* National Spicy Hermit Cookie Day

* Winter Lent (Eastern Orthodox)

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When I stand before God at the end of my life, I would hope that I would not have a single bit of talent left, and could say, ‘I used everything you gave me’. – Erma Bombeck.
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1738 William Herschel, German-born British composer (24 symphonies) and astronomer (Discovered Uranus and 2 of its moons, Titania & Oberon, plus 2 moons of Saturn. Also, discovered existence of infrared radiation.)
  • 1868 Emil Racovita, Romanian biologist, zoologist, speleologist and explorer of Antarctica (one of the most noted promoters of natural sciences in Romania)
  • 1887 Georgia O’Keeffe, Sun Prairie, Wisconsin, painter (Cow’s Skull; chiefly painted rocks, shells, animal bones, flowers, abstract landscapes)
  • 1887 Marianne Moore, Kirkwood, Missouri, poet (The Selected Letters of Marianne Moore; Pulitzer 1951)
  • 1905 Mantovani, Venice Italy, orchestra leader/composer (Mantovani)
  • 1919 Joseph Albert Wapner, Los Angeles, California, former judge (People’s Court)
  • 1929 Edward Asner, Kansas City, Kansas, actor (Mary Tyler Moore Show, Lou Grant; Carl Fredricksen in Pixar film “Up“)
  • 1932 Clyde McPhatter, Durham, North Carolina , singer (Why Can’t We Get Together / Mixed Up Cup, I’ll Belong to You /Book of Memories)
  • 1940 Sam Waterston, Cambridge, Maine, actor (Law & Order, Capricorn One, Heaven’s Gate, The Killing Fields)
  • 1966 Rachel True, New York City, New York, actress (Killing of Wendy , Pink Eye )
  • 1973 Jesse Merz, Hood River, Oregon, actor (The Green Piece, Homeward Bound: The Incredible Journey)
  • 1973 Sydney Tamiia Poitier, Los Angeles, California, actress (Grindhouse, Knight Rider (2008 film) )
  • 1977 Peter Mark Andrew Phillips, grandson Queen Elizabeth II (father: Mark Phillips, former Captain in the Queen’s Dragoon Guards. mother: The Princess Anne, Princess Royal, the only daughter of Queen Elizabeth II and Prince Philip, Duke of Edinburgh.)
  • 1977 Sean Murray, Bethesda, Maryland, actor (Timothy McGee / NCIS ; JAG)
  • 1988 Zena Grey, New York, actress (The Shaggy Dog, Snow Day)
  • 1991 Shailene Woodley, Simi Valley, California, actress (The Secret Life of the American Teenager )

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“The first duty of a man is to think for himself.” ― José Martí

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1806 Explorer Lieutenant Zebulon Pike sees a distant mountain peak while near the Colorado foothills of the Rocky Mountains (it was later named Pikes Peak).
  • 1926 NBC on-air debut with a radio network of 24 stations.
  • 1939 In Washington, D.C., US President Franklin D. Roosevelt lays the cornerstone of the Jefferson Memorial.
  • 1956 The first film starring Elvis Presley, Love Me Tender, is released.
  • 1966 Gemini XII returns to Earth, splashing down safely in the Atlantic Ocean.
  • 1967 The only fatality of the X-15 program occurs during the 191st flight when Air Force test pilot Michael J. Adams loses control of his aircraft which is destroyed mid-air over the Mojave Desert.
  • 1968 The US Air Force launches Operation Commando Hunt, a large-scale bombing campaign against the Ho Chi Minh trail.
  • 1969 Vietnam War: In Washington, D.C., 250,000-500,000 protesters staged a peaceful demonstration against the war, including a symbolic “March Against Death”.
  • 1969 In Columbus, Ohio, Dave Thomas opens the first Wendy’s restaurant.
  • 1971 Intel releases world’s first commercial single-chip microprocessor, the 4004.
  • 1979 A package from the Unabomber Ted Kaczynski begins smoking in the cargo hold of a flight from Chicago to Washington, forcing the plane to make an emergency landing.
  • 1985 A research assistant is injured when a package from the Unabomber addressed to a University of Michigan professor explodes.
  • 1989 Tornado on Airport Road in Huntsville, Alabama, killing 21 people and injuring nearly 500.
  • 1999 Popular virtual pets internet website Neopets released by British college students Adam Powell and Donna Williams.
  • 2000 Jharkhand state comes into existence in India.
  • 2001 Microsoft releases the Xbox, the company’s first video game console. The first games released are Tony Hawk’s Pro Skater 2x, Amped: Freestyle Snowboarding, Nascar Thunder 2002, Transworld Surf, Oddworld: Munch’s Oddysee, Project Gotham Racing, NFL Fever 2002, F1 2002, Madden NFL 2002, Dead or Alive 3, and Halo (which turns out to be the best selling game for Xbox of all time).
  • 2005 Boeing formally launches the stretched Boeing 747-8 variant with orders from Cargolux and Nippon Cargo Airlines.
  • 2007 Cyclone Sidr hit Bangladesh, killing an estimated 5000 people and destroyed the world’s largest mangrove forest, Sundarbans.

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Returning from a trip to visit my grandmother in Canada, I was stopped by a state trooper in New York for exceeding the speed limit.

Grateful to have received a warning instead of a ticket, I gave him a small bag of my grandmother’s delicious chocolate-chip cookies and proceeded on my way.

A short time later, I was stopped by another trooper.

“What have I done?” I asked.

“Nothing,” the trooper said, smiling. “I heard you were passing out great chocolate-chip cookies.”

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Two elderly women were out driving in a large car. Both could barely See over the dashboard. As they were cruising along, they came to an intersection. The stoplight was red but they just went on through. The woman in the passenger seat thought to herself, “I must be losing it. I could have sworn we just went through red light.” After a few more minutes they came to another intersection, the light Was red, and again they went right through.

This time, the passenger was almost sure that the light had been red, But was also concerned that she might be seeing things. She was getting nervous and decided to pay very close attention. At the next intersection, sure enough, the light was definitely red and they blew right through it. She turned to the other woman and said, “Mildred! Did you know that You ran through three red lights in a row? You could have killed us!”

Mildred turned to her and said, “Oh my word! Am I driving?”

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ONE-LINERS: Random Thoughts. . .
~ If “twenty-nine” is two digits, why isn’t “twenty-ten” three?
~ If all else fails, stop using all else.
~ If I had eight hours to chop down a tree, I’d spend six sharpening my axe.
~ If I use up all my sick days, do I need to call in dead?
~ If love is blind, why is lingerie so popular?
~ If necessity is the mother of invention, I bet MacGyver is the father.
~ If you always do what you always did, you’ll always get what you always got.
~ If you can still do at 60 what you did at 20, it means you weren’t doing much at 20.
~ If you can’t explain it simply, you don’t understand it well enough.
~ If you think about it, Adam had more trouble than any of the rest of us buying his Father a gift for Father’s Day. I mean, what do you get somebody who’s Everything?
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My husband, Bruce, had recommended his new dentist first visit, I filled out various forms. As usual, I used my middle name, Joy, instead of Margarette, my legal name.

As I was about to leave the office, the insurance clerk approached me. She had just pulled Bruce’s records and asked, “What is your relationship to Bruce?”

“He’s my husband.”

She studied the file with a worried expression. Then she looked at me and said nervously, “Do you know about Margarette?”

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pic of the day: Chicken Hen & Chicks

Chicken Hen and Chicks

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Don’t join dangerous cults, practice safe sects!

The roundest knight at King Arthur’s round table was Sir Cumference. He acquired his size from too much pi.

I thought I saw an eye doctor on an Alaskan island, but it turned out to be an optical Aleutian.

She was only a whiskey maker, but he loved her still.

A rubber band pistol was confiscated from algebra class because it was a weapon of math disruption.

The butcher backed into the meat grinder and got a little behind in his work.

No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.

A dog gave birth to puppies near the road and was cited for littering.

A grenade thrown into a kitchen in France would result in Linoleum Blownapart.

Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.

Time flies like an arrow. Fruit flies like a banana.

A hole has been found in the nudist camp wall. The police are looking into it.

Atheism is a non-prophet organization.

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A college professor had the mysterious habit of removing a tennis ball from his jacket pocket as he walked into the lecture hall each morning. He would set it on the corner of the podium. After giving the day’s lecture he would pick up the tennis ball, place it into his jacket pocket, and leave the room.

No one ever understood why he did this, until one day …

A student fell asleep during the lecture. The professor didn’t miss a word of his lecture as he picked up the tennis ball and threw it, hitting the sleeping student squarely in the head.

The next day the professor walked into the room, reached into his jacket and removed a baseball.

No one ever fell asleep in his class again.

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The elderly priest, speaking to the younger priest, said, “It was a good idea you had to replace the first four pews with plush bucket theater seats. It worked like a charm. The front of the church fills first”.

The young priest nodded, and the old priest continued, “And you told me a little more beat to the music would bring young people back to church, so I suppose the rock ‘n roll gospel choir you brought in was another good idea. We are packed in to the balcony.”

“Thank you, Father,” answered the young priest. “I am pleased that you are open to the new ideas of youth.”

“Well,” said the elderly priest, “I’m afraid you’ve gone too far with the drive-thru confessional.”

“But, Father,” protested the young priest, “my confessions have nearly doubled since I began that!”

“I know, son,” replied the elderly priest, “but the flashing neon sign, ‘Toot n’ Tell or Go To Hell’ cannot stay on the church roof!”

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Our church has a special service just for the children. They call this “children’s church.” My daughter usually stays in children’s church on Sunday mornings, but one Sunday she stayed with us to attend the regular adult service.

When Communion was served, she turned to her mother and whispered loudly, “The snack in children’s church is much better. And we get a lot more juice.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Whatever it is!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A nickel ain’t worth a dime anymore. – Yogi Berra

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“It isn’t as bad as you sometimes think it is. It all works out. Don’t worry. I say that to myself every morning. It all works out in the end. Put your trust in God, and move forward with faith and confidence in the future. The Lord will not forsake us. He will not forsake us. If we will put our trust in Him, if we will pray to Him, if we will live worthy of His blessings, He will hear our prayers.” ― Gordon B. Hinckley

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