Jokes and Trivia for November 20, 2013

“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

TODAY – NOVEMBER 20th – WEDNESDAY

323rd day of 2013 with 42 to follow.
Holidays for Today:

*Absurdity Day

*Beautiful Day

*Universal Children’s Day

*National Peanut Butter Fudge Day

*Africa Industrialization Day (international)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1620 Peregrine White, first English child born in the Plymouth Colony
  • 1889 Edwin Hubble, Marshfield, Missouri, astronomer (helped establish extragalactic astronomy, one of the most important observational cosmologists of 20th century)
  • 1892 James Collip, Belleville, Ontario, biochemist (co-discoverer of insulin)
  • 1900 Chester Gould, Pawnee, Oklahoma, comic strip artist (Dick Tracy)
  • 1908 Alistair Cooke, British-born journalist (host of PBS Masterpiece Theater 1971-1992; Letter from America)
  • 1910 Willem Jacob van Stockum, Dutch physicist (contribution to the early development of general relativity)
  • 1924 Benoît Mandelbrot, Warsaw, Poland, Polish-born French mathematician (coined the term fractal and described the Mandelbrot set)
  • 1925 Robert F. Kennedy, Brookline, Massachusetts, politician & civil rights activist, liberal icon
  • 1932 Richard Dawson, English-American actor and game show host (Hogan’s Heroes, McCloud, Match Game, Family Feud)
  • 1939 Dick Smothers, New York City, New York, comedian (half of the musical comedy team the Smothers Brothers)
  • 1940 Bob Einstein, Los Angeles, California, actor and comedian (Super Dave Osborne)
  • 1943 Veronica Hamel, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actress (Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, When Time Ran Out)
  • 1948 Richard Masur, New York City, New York, actor (Heaven’s Gate, Fallen Angel, The Thing, Rent-A-Cop, Encino Man), on Corporate Board of the Motion Picture & Television Fund
  • 1956 Bo Derek, Long Beach, California, actress (10, Orca, Bolero, Tommy Boy)
  • 1959 Sean Young, Louisville, Kentucky, actress (Blade Runner, Dune, and No Way Out )

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“It doesn’t matter what you did or where you were…it matters where you are and what you’re doing. Get out there! Sing the song in your heart and NEVER let anyone shut you up!!” ― Steve Maraboli

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1789 New Jersey becomes the first U.S. state to ratify the Bill of Rights.
  • 1820 An 80-ton sperm whale attacks the Essex (a whaling ship from Nantucket, Massachusetts) 2,000 miles from the western coast of South America (Herman Melville’s 1851 novel Moby-Dick is in part inspired by this story).
  • 1974 The United States Department of Justice files its final anti-trust suit against AT&T Corporation. This suit later leads to the breakup of AT&T and its Bell System.
  • 1985 Microsoft Windows 1.0 is released.
  • 1989 Velvet Revolution: The number of protesters assembled in Prague, Czechoslovakia swells from 200,000 the day before to an estimated half-million.
  • 1998 A court in Taliban-controlled Afghanistan declares accused terrorist Osama bin Laden “a man without a sin” in regard to the 1998 U.S. embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania.
  • 1998 The first module of the International Space Station, Zarya, is launched.
  • 2001 In Washington, D.C., U.S. President George W. Bush dedicates the United States Department of Justice headquarters building as the Robert F. Kennedy Justice Building, honoring the late Robert F. Kennedy on what would have been his 76th birthday.
  • 2003 After the November 15 bombings, a second day of the 2003 Istanbul Bombings occurs in Istanbul, Turkey, destroying the Turkish head office of HSBC Bank AS and the British consulate.
  • 2008 After critical failures in the US financial system began to build up after mid-September, the Dow Jones Industrial Average reaches its lowest level since 1997.

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It took five years of post-grad work, but I finally fulfilled my dream of becoming an archaeologist. My first job was with a museum supervising a dig in a nearby town.

As we worked under the hot sun, I noticed a woman and her son peering down at us. Seeing me in a hole, covered in mud with a pickaxe in hand, the mother told her son, “See what happens when you don’t finish school? You end up like him.”

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Now that I’m at that age where I have to get up three times a night, my next house is going to have the bedroom in a
master bathroom suite. (Michael Cunningham)
—–

If I had a dollar for every time someone told me I’d never work in this town again, I’d have enough money that I’d
never have to work in this town again. (Wiley)
—–

What’s the male equivalent of women’s intuition? Most likely, it’s hitting something really hard and seeing if it still causes a problem. (The Covert Comic)
—–

My wife called my cooking “a work of art,” which seemed pretty nice of her — until she said she was referring to Munch’s “The Scream.”
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ONE-LINERS: Winners of the Washington Post’s Painfully Bad Analogies contest. . .

~ Even in his last years, grandpa had a mind like a steel trap, only one that had been left out so long, it had rusted shut.(Sandra Hull, Arlington)

~ The door had been forced, as forced as the dialogue during the interview portion of Jeopardy! (Jean Sorensen, Herndon)

~ Shots rang out, as shots are wont to do. (Jerry Pannullo, Kensington)

~ The young fighter had a hungry look, the kind you get from not eating for a while. (Malcolm Fleschner, Arlington)

~ He was as lame as a duck. Not the metaphorical lame duck, either, but a real duck that was actually lame. (John Kammer, Herndon)

~ Her artistic sense was exquisitely refined, like someone who can tell butter from I Can’t Believe It’s Not Butter. (Barbara Collier, Garrett Park)

~ It was an American tradition, like fathers chasing kids around with power tools. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

~ The dandelion swayed in the gentle breeze like an oscillating electric fan set on medium. (Ralph Scott, Washington)

~ He was deeply in love. When she spoke, he thought he heard bells, as if she were a garbage truck backing up. (Susan Reese, Arlington)

~ She walked into my office like a centipede with 98 missing legs. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

~ It hurt the way your tongue hurts after you accidentally staple it to the wall. (Brian Broadus, Charlottesville)

~ Her voice had that tense, grating quality, like a first generation thermal paper fax machine that needed a band tightened. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

~ A branch fell from the tree like a trunk falling off an elephant. (Jonathan Paul, Garrett Park)

~ Her face was a perfect oval, like a circle that had its two other sides gently compressed by a Thigh Master. (Sue Lin Chong, Washington)

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This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying “Nerds Not Allowed – Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, “You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”

The truck driver says, “I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling.”

The bartender says, “Okay, truck drivers are not nerds.” and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, “Why did you do that?”

The bartender said, “Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” said the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ’em.”

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pic of the day: Turkeys and Rooster

Turkeys and Rooster

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Count Dracula is walking down the street when suddenly He is buried in a tons of smoked salmon sandwiches, sausage rolls, cocktail wieners, chicken wings, chipolatas, tomato salad, pizza slices and cheese which had been dropped on him from a great height.
“Oh no!” he gasps with his dying breath, “It’s Buffet the Vampire Slayer!”

He looked deeply into her eyes and said, “Volvo, Ikea, Saab, Stockholm.”
She looked into his and said, “Oh darling, you say the Swedish things.”

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The first grade Sunday School teacher asked the class if anyone could share anything about the story of Creation.

One little boy said, “It happened a long time ago. One day God got bored and created people, then the people got bored so God created Disney World.”

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OLD AIR CONDITIONER REPAIRMEN never die, they just lose their cool

OLD ACCOUNTANTS never die they just lose their balance.

OLD AUTO MECHANICS never die, they just retire.

OLD BANKERS never die they just lose interest.

OLD BOWLERS never die they just end up in the gutter.

OLD CARDIOLOGISTS never die, they just lose heart.

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A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small notebooks?”
“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”

The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”
“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”
The manager shrugs, “Sorry.”

“Hmmph. How about Chapstick?” says the woman.
“Nope. Don’t have that.”

“My Gosh!” the woman shouts, “If you don’t have anything, you should close the darn store!”
The manager shrugs, “Don’t have the key.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Any kid will run any errand for you, if you ask at bedtime. – Red Skelton

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“Get going. Move forward. Aim High. Plan a takeoff. Don’t just sit on the runway and hope someone will come along and push the airplane. It simply won’t happen. Change your attitude and gain some altitude. Believe me, you’ll love it up here.” ― Donald Trump

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