Jokes & Trivia for October 1, 2013

“The things you do for yourself are gone when you are gone, but the things you do for others remain as your legacy.” – Kalu Ndukwe Kalu

TODAY – OCTOBER 1st – TUESDAY

274th day of 2013 with 91 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*World Vegetarian Day

*Pudding Season Begins

*Homemade Cookies Day

*International Day of Older Persons

*Adopt a Shelter Dog Month
*American Pharmacist Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1842 Charles Cros, French poet and inventor (developed various improved methods of photography including an early color photo process; also invented improvements in telegraph technology)
  • 1881 William Edward Boeing, Detroit, Michigan, aviation pioneer (founded Boeing Company)
  • 1910 José Enrique Moyal, Australian mathematical physicist (contributed to aeronautical engineering, electrical engineering and statistics and helped to establish the phase space formulation of quantum mechanics in 1949)
  • 1920 Walther Matthau, NYC, New York, actor (The Odd Couple, Bad News Bears, The Fortune Cookie)
  • 1924 Jimmy Carter, Plains, Georgia, 39th President of the United States
  • 1927 Tom Bosley, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Happy Days, Father Dowling Mysteries, Murder She Wrote)
  • 1928 George Peppard, Jr., Detroit, Michigan, actor (Breakfast at Tiffany’s, The Carpetbaggers, Banacek, Hannibal on The A-Team)
  • 1930 Richard Harris, Irish actor, singer, director, author (Camelot, A Man Called Horse, Gladiator, Dumbledore in 1st two Harry Potter films)
  • 1946 Tim O’Brien, Austin, Minnesota, author (Going After Cacciato, The Things They Carried)
  • 1947 Stephen Collins, Des Moines, Iowa, actor (7th Heaven )
  • 1950 Randy Quaid, Houston, Texas, actor (The Last Detail, LBJ: The Early Years, Independence Day)
  • 1963 Mark McGwire, Pomona, California, former pro baseball player (Oakland Athletics & St. Louis Cardinals)
  • 1968 Jay Underwood, Minneapolis, Minnesota, actor (The Boy Who Could Fly )
  • 1974 Christian Borle, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, actor (Smash, Peter and the Starcatcher )
  • 1974 Sherri Saum, Dayton, Ohio, actress (CSI: NY)
  • 1986 Jurnee Smollett, NYC, New York, actress (Friday Night Lights, Eve’s Bayou, The Great Debaters)

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“Love truth, but pardon error.” – Voltaire

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1811 The first steamboat to sail the Mississippi River arrives in New Orleans, Louisiana.
  • 1847 Siemens AG & Halske founded by German inventor and industrialist Werner von Siemens.
  • 1854 Waltham Watch Company, a pioneer in the American system of watch manufacturing, relocates to Waltham, Massachusetts.
  • 1880 John Philip Sousa becomes leader of the United States Marine Band.
  • 1880 Thomas Edison opened the first electric lamp factory.
  • 1890 The U.S. Congress established Yosemite National Park.
  • 1891 Stanford University opens in California.
  • 1903 In the first game of the modern World Series, the Boston Americans play the Pittsburgh Pirates.
  • 1908 The Model T car by Ford is placed on the market at a price of $825.
  • 1910 A large bomb destroys the Los Angeles Times building in downtown Los Angeles, California, killing 21.
  • 1931 The George Washington Bridge linking New Jersey and New York opens.
  • 1940 The first superhighway in the U.S., the Pennsylvania Turnpike, opened to traffic.
  • 1957 In God We Trust on first appeared on U.S. paper currency.
  • 1962 The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson is first broadcast.
  • 1964 The Free Speech Movement is launched on the campus of University of California, Berkeley.
  • 1969 The sound barrier is broken for the first time by the Concorde.
  • 1971 Walt Disney World opens near Orlando, Florida, United States.
  • 1979 The United States returns sovereignty of the Panama canal to Panama.
  • 1982 EPCOT Center opens at Walt Disney World near Orlando, Florida, United States.
  • 1982  Sony launches the first consumer compact disc player (model CDP-101).
  • 1992 Cartoon Network begins broadcasting.
  • 2013 The United States federal government shutdown of 2013 begins.

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Interviewer to goober applicant: “How important do you consider punctuality?”

Oh, it’s very important. I mean, where would we be if we didn’t have periods, commas, and question marks?”

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Little boy crying to his mother: “Mommy! Everybody hates me!”

“Oh, don’t be silly. You haven’t met everybody yet.”

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The young couple invited their aged Vicar for Sunday lunch. While they were in the kitchen preparing the meal, the minister asked their son, what they were having.

“Goat,” the little boy replied.

“Goat?” replied the startled man of the cloth, “Are you sure about that?”

“Yep,” said the youngster. “I definitely heard Dad say to Mum, we might as well have the old goat for dinner today as any other day.”

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ONE-LINERS: Silly Warnings

1) ‘Do not iron while wearing shirt’

2) Warning label on a letter opener that says: ‘Caution: Safety goggles recommended.’

3) Fuel Tank Cap: ‘Never use a lit match or open flame to check the fuel level’

4) A cartridge for a laser printer warns, ‘Do not eat toner’

5) A label on a hair dryer reads: ‘Never use hair dryer while sleeping’

6) A warning on an electric drill made for carpenters cautions: ‘This product not intended for use as a dental drill.’

7)On a child’s buggy: ‘Remove Child Before Folding’

8) A label on a baby-stroller featuring a small storage pouch that warns: ‘Do not put child in bag.’

9) Warning on a tractor: ‘Danger: Avoid Death’

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Elizabeth asked her Sunday School class to sketch a picture of their favorite Bible stories.

She was puzzled by Bert’s picture, which showed four people sitting in a plane, so she asked him which bible story it was meant to represent.

“The flight to Egypt,” said Bert.

“I see … and that must be Mary, Joseph, and baby Jesus,” Elizabeth said, “But who’s the fourth person?”

“Oh, that’s Pontius – the Pilot.”

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pic of the day:Turkeys & Greens

picture of turkeys in weeds

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A man walks into a bar with a giraffe. He walks up to the bar and takes a seat, the giraffe does the same. The man orders a beer for himself and a double scotch for the giraffe. They both proceed to drink and after a while they order the same again.

They continue all night, ordering the same drinks, drinking them and ordering another load until suddenly the giraffe falls off his stool and lies unconscious on the floor. The man gets up of his stool and heads for the door.

The barman shouts at him as he heads out the door ‘You can’t leave that lyin’ ‘ere!’

The man replies, ‘Its not a lion its a giraffe!

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One of my husband’s duties as a novice drill instructor at Fort Jackson SC was to escort new recruits to the mess hall. After everyone had made it through the chow line, he sat them down and told them, “There are three rules in this mess hall: Shut up! Eat up! Get up!”

Checking to see that he had everyone’s attention, he asked, “What is the first rule?”

Much to the amusement of the other instructors, 60 privates yelled in unison, “Shut up, Drill Sergeant!”

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I was chatting over lunch with a friend the other day at work when she dropped a bombshell: “Tom and I are going to get a divorce.”

“Why? What happened, you two have always seemed to be so happy together!”

“Well, ever since we got married, Tom has tried to change me. He got me to stop drinking and smoking. He got me to give up red meat and eat the right foods. He taught me how to enjoy the fine arts, gourmet cooking and classical music. He even taught me how to invest in the stock market.”

“So you’re bitter because he spent so much time trying to change you?”

“No, that’s not it at all. I’m not bitter; It’s just that now he just isn’t good enough for me.”

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As a school bus driver one Saturday morning I was driving a high school chorus to a recital. I parked the bus at the school and soon students started boarding. Nobody said anything (you know how high school kids are in the morning).

The choir director boarded and counted the students. The only words he said to me were, “It’s okay to leave.”

About two miles down the road I spoke up in a loud voice saying, “When we get to the work site the deputies will issue each of you an orange vest, gloves, and two plastic trash bags. When you fill a bag leave it beside the road. When you need more bags, raise your hand and the deputies will give you more.”

Bet those people never again assumed they were on the right bus without asking.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “If you tell the truth, you don’t have to remember anything.” – Mark Twain

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“Above all, don’t lie to yourself. The man who lies to himself and listens to his own lie comes to a point that he cannot distinguish the truth within him, or around him, and so loses all respect for himself and for others. And having no respect he ceases to love.” – Fyodor Dostoyevsky, The Brothers Karamazov

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