October 1, 2014

A true friend never gets in your way unless you happen to be going down. – Arnold Glasow

TODAY – OCTOBER 1st – WEDNESDAY

274th day of 2014 with 91 to follow. The moon is waning. Morning stars are Jupiter, Mars and Uranus. Evening stars are Mercury, Neptune, Saturn and Venus.

Holidays for Today:

*National Kale Day

*World Vegetarian Day

*Pudding Season Begins

*Homemade Cookies Day

*International Day of Older Persons

*Adopt a Shelter Dog Month

*Sarcastic Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1842 Charles Cros, French poet and inventor (developed various improved methods of photography including an early color photo process; also invented improvements in telegraph technology)
  • 1881 William Edward Boeing, Detroit, Michigan, aviation pioneer (founded Boeing Company)
  • 1910 José Enrique Moyal, Australian mathematical physicist (contributed to aeronautical engineering, electrical engineering and statistics and helped to establish the phase space formulation of quantum mechanics in 1949)
  • 1920 Walther Matthau, NYC, New York, actor (The Odd Couple, Bad News Bears, The Fortune Cookie)
  • 1924 Jimmy Carter, Plains, Georgia, 39th President of the United States
  • 1927 Tom Bosley, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Happy Days, Father Dowling Mysteries, Murder She Wrote)
  • 1928 George Peppard, Jr., Detroit, Michigan, actor (Breakfast at Tiffany’s, The Carpetbaggers, Banacek, Hannibal on The A-Team)
  • 1930 Richard Harris, Irish actor, singer, director, author (Camelot, A Man Called Horse, Gladiator, Dumbledore in 1st two Harry Potter films)
  • 1946 Tim O’Brien, Austin, Minnesota, author (Going After Cacciato, The Things They Carried)
  • 1947 Stephen Collins, Des Moines, Iowa, actor (7th Heaven )
  • 1950 Randy Quaid, Houston, Texas, actor (The Last Detail, LBJ: The Early Years, Independence Day)
  • 1963 Mark McGwire, Pomona, California, former pro baseball player (Oakland Athletics & St. Louis Cardinals)
  • 1968 Jay Underwood, Minneapolis, Minnesota, actor (The Boy Who Could Fly )
  • 1974 Christian Borle, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, actor (Smash, Peter and the Starcatcher )
  • 1974 Sherri Saum, Dayton, Ohio, actress (CSI: NY)
  • 1986 Jurnee Smollett, NYC, New York, actress (Friday Night Lights, Eve’s Bayou, The Great Debaters)

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“Love truth, but pardon error.” – Voltaire

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1811 The first steamboat to sail the Mississippi River arrives in New Orleans, Louisiana.
  • 1847 Siemens AG & Halske founded by German inventor and industrialist Werner von Siemens.
  • 1854 Waltham Watch Company, a pioneer in the American system of watch manufacturing, relocates to Waltham, Massachusetts.
  • 1880 John Philip Sousa becomes leader of the United States Marine Band.
  • 1880 Thomas Edison opened the first electric lamp factory.
  • 1890 The U.S. Congress established Yosemite National Park.
  • 1891 Stanford University opens in California.
  • 1903 In the first game of the modern World Series, the Boston Americans play the Pittsburgh Pirates.
  • 1908 The Model T car by Ford is placed on the market at a price of $825.
  • 1910 A large bomb destroys the Los Angeles Times building in downtown Los Angeles, California, killing 21.
  • 1931 The George Washington Bridge linking New Jersey and New York opens.
  • 1940 The first superhighway in the U.S., the Pennsylvania Turnpike, opened to traffic.
  • 1957 In God We Trust on first appeared on U.S. paper currency.
  • 1962 The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson is first broadcast.
  • 1964 The Free Speech Movement is launched on the campus of University of California, Berkeley.
  • 1969 The sound barrier is broken for the first time by the Concorde.
  • 1971 Walt Disney World opens near Orlando, Florida, United States.
  • 1979 The United States returns sovereignty of the Panama canal to Panama.
  • 1982 EPCOT Center opens at Walt Disney World near Orlando, Florida, United States.
  • 1982 Sony launches the first consumer compact disc player (model CDP-101).
  • 1992 Cartoon Network begins broadcasting.
  • 2013 The United States federal government shutdown of 2013 begins.

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When a customer slid into the barber chair, the barber asked him how he wanted his hair cut.

“Make it short,” the customer replied, “with a bare patch above my left ear, but longer on the right side so that it covers my right ear. I also want my left sideburn above my left ear and the right sideburn below my right ear.”

The barber looked puzzled and said, “I don’t think I can do that.”

The customer replied, “I don’t know why not–that’s the way you cut it the last time I was here!”

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GOLDEN OLDIE… Seems that this old couple are having trouble remembering things, so they sign up for a memory course. The course is wonderful and introduces them to a technique called word/name association. They come home and tell all their relatives, friends, and neighbors about it.

Some months later, a neighbor approaches the man as he tends the garden.

“Say, Ed, what was the name of the instructor of that memory course you liked so much?”

“Well, it was…hmmm…let me think a minute… What’s the name of that flower, you know, the one that smells so nice, but has thorns on the stems…?”

“You mean a rose?”

“Yeah, that’s it…(shouting toward house) Hey, Rose, what was the memory course instructor’s name?”

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ONE-LINERS: Wisdom from Grandpa…

– Whether a man winds up with a nest egg, or a goose egg, depends a lot on the kind of chick he marries.

– Trouble in marriage often starts when a man gets so busy earnin’ his salt, that he forgets his sugar.

– Too many couples marry for better, or for worse, but not for good.

– When a man marries a woman, they become one; but the trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

– If a man has enough horse sense to treat his wife like a thoroughbred, she will never turn into an old nag.

– On anniversaries, the wise husband always forgets the past – but never the present.

– A foolish husband says to his wife, “Honey, you stick to the washin’, ironin’, cookin’, and scrubbin’. No wife of mine is gonna work.”

– The bonds of matrimony are a good investment, only when the interest is kept up.

– Many girls like to marry a military man – he can cook, sew, and make beds, and is in good health, and he’s already used to taking orders.

– Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age, and start bragging about it.

– The older we get, the fewer things seem worth waiting in line for.

– Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me, I want people to know “why” I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

– How old would you be if you didn’t know how old you are?

– When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth, remember about Algebra.

– I don’t know how I got over the hill without getting to the top.

– One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

– Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

– Old age is when former classmates are so gray and wrinkled and bald, they don’t recognize you.

– If you don’t learn to laugh at trouble, you won’t have anything to laugh at when you are old.

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Felix, my husband, was playing golf with our town’s fire chief when he hit a ball into the rough. As Felix headed for the brush to find his ball, the chief warned him, “Be careful, the rattlesnakes are out.”

The chief explained that calls had been coming in all week requesting assistance with removing the snakes.

“You’ve got to be kidding,” Felix replied in astonishment. “People actually call the fire department to help them with rattlesnakes? What do you say to them?”

“Well,” said the chief, “the first thing I ask is, ‘Is it on fire?'”

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pic of the day:Turkeys in Weeds

picture of turkeys in weeds
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
I knew a guy once who’s job was to fill up pillowcases with duck feathers. He told people his job was to upload the down load.

Bees are always well-groomed. They use honeycombs.

A friend of mine teaches a college class on all the different soda pop varieties. He’s a fizz ed teacher.

What bird is with you at every meal?
A swallow.

There was this genetic scientist who crossed Rice Krispies cereal with a kangaroo. They went snap, crackle, hop.

Five o’clock in the morning is like a pig’s tail. It’s twirly.

Secret drink of plants?
Root beer.

Gardeners make the best umpires. They already know the ground rules.

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Scientists at NASA have developed a gun built specifically to launch dead chickens at the windshields of airliners, military jets and the space shuttle, all traveling at maximum velocity.
The idea is to simulate the frequent incidents of collisions with airborne fowl to test the strength of the windshields.
British engineers heard about the gun and were eager to test it on the windshield of their new high speed trains.
Arrangements were made to borrow the gun.
But when the gun was fired, the engineers stood shocked as the chicken hurtled out of the barrel, crashed into the shatter proof shield which smashed into smithereens, crashed through the control console, snapped the engineer’s backrest in two and embedded itself in the back wall of the cabin.
Horrified, the British sent NASA the disastrous results of the experiment, along with the designs of the windshield, and begged the U.S. scientists for suggestions.
NASA’s response was just one sentence: “Thaw the chicken before you fire it.”

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Rules for Non-Pet Owners Who Visit

1. They live here. You don’t.

2. If you don’t want their hair on your clothes, stay off the furniture.

3. I like my pets a lot better than I like most people.

4. To you, it’s an animal. To me, he/she is an adopted son/daughter who is short, hairy, walks on all fours and doesn’t speak clearly.

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Late Night Quips

#1. The Department of Defense unveiled a new policy that will let undocumented immigrants serve in the military. Is it me, or does that just sound like a sneaky way to get rid of immigrants? – Jimmy Fallon

#2. Today Russia announced that it will join America’s fight with the terror group ISIS. Then Putin said, “But I did not say which side. – Jimmy Fallon

#3. Chris and Bruce Jenner are getting a divorce. If for any reason Bruce is ever arrested for any crime of any sort, being married to a Kardashian counts as time served. – David Letterman

#4. CBS announced they’re working on the new show “Supergirl.” Supergirl made her first appearance in Action Comics in 1958. So she’s 56 years old. In other words, she is just coming up to the age where she will be right for the CBS demographic. – Craig Ferguson

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I was married by a judge. I should have asked for a jury. –Groucho Marx

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . The sun shines and warms and lights us and we have no curiosity to know why this is so; but we ask the reason of all evil, of pain, and hunger, and mosquitoes and silly people. – Ralph Waldo Emerson

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