Jokes and Trivia for October 16, 2013

“The secret of life, though, is to fall seven times and to get up eight times.” ― Paulo Coelho, Alchemist

TODAY – OCTOBER 16th – WEDNESDAY

289th day of 2013 with 76 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*World Food Day

*World Anaesthesia Day

*National Liqueur Day

*Boss’s Day

*Dictionary Day

*Cookie Month

*Eat Country Ham Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1758 Noah Webster, West Hartford, Connecticut, lexicographer and author (American Dictionary)
  • 1804 Benjamin Russell, New Bedrod, Massachusetts, painter (watercolors of whaling ships)
  • 1854 Oscar Wilde, Irish author, poet, and playwright (The Picture of Dorian Gray, The Importance of Being Earnest)
  • 1888 Eugene O’Neill, New York City, author (Long Day’s Journey into Night, Beyond the Horizon, The Emperor Jones, Strange Interlude, The Iceman Cometh, Ah Wilderness / Nobel)
  • 1925 Angela Lansbury, English-American actress and singer (Mame on Broadway, The Manchurian Candidate, Bedknobs and Broomsticks, Death on the Nile, The Mirror Crack’d, Murder She Wrote, Beauty and the Beast, Anastasia)
  • 1926 Charles Dolan, Cleveland, Ohio, businessman (founded Cablevision)
  • 1931 Charles Colson, Boston, Massachusetts, lawyer, founder of Prison Fellowship, author (Born Again, Justice that Restores, God and Government)
  • 1936 Peter Bowles, English actor (To the Manor Born, Perfect Scoundrels, The Sarah Jane Adventures)
  • 1946 Suzanne Somers, San Bruno, California, actress (Three’s Company, Step by Step)
  • 1954 Lorenzo Carcaterra, Hell’s Kitchen, New York, author (Sleepers, Gangster, Paradise City, Midnight Angels)
  • 1958 Tim Robbins, West Covina, California, actor, director, and screenwriter (Bull Durham, Jacob’s Ladder, The Play, The Shawshank Redemption, Mystic River)
  • 1969 Terri J. Vaughn, San Francisco, California, actress (The Steve Harvey Show, All of Us, Meet the Browns)
  • 1972 Adrianne Frost, Lincoln, Nebraska, comedian and author (The Daily Show and VH1’s Best Week Ever )
  • 1975 Kellie Martin, Riverside, California, actress (Life Goes On, Christy, ER, Mystery Woman)
  • 1980 Jeremy Jackson, Newport Beach, California, actor (Baywatch )

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“Learn from the mistakes of others. You can never live long enough to make them all yourself.” ― Groucho Marx

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1793 Marie Antoinette, widow of Louis XVI, is guillotined at the height of the French Revolution.
  • 1846 William T. G. Morton first demonstrated ether anesthesia at the Massachusetts General Hospital in the Ether Dome.
  • 1859 John Brown leads a raid on Harpers Ferry, West Virginia.
  • 1916 In Brooklyn, New York, Margaret Sanger opens the first family planning clinic in the United States.
  • 1923 The Walt Disney Company is founded by Walt Disney and his brother, Roy Disney.
  • 1944 Wally Walrus, Woody Woodpecker’s first steady foil, was debuted at the The Beach Nut, a Walter Lantz’s cartoon.
  • 1962 The Cuban missile crisis between the United States, Cuba, and the Soviet Union begins when US President John F. Kennedy is shown photographs of missile sites in Cuba.
  • 1964 China detonates its first nuclear weapon.
  • 1975 Rahima Banu, a two-year old girl from the village of Kuralia in Bangladesh, is the last known person to be infected with naturally occurring smallpox.
  • 1978 Pope John Paul II is elected after the October 1978 Papal conclave.
  • 1995 The Million Man March occurs in Washington, D.C.
  • 1995 The Skye Bridge is opened.
  • 2002 Bibliotheca Alexandrina in the Egyptian city of Alexandria, a commemoration of the Library of Alexandria that was lost in antiquity, is officially inaugurated.
  • 2006 Hawaii Earthquake: A magnitude 6.7 earthquake rocks Hawaii, causing property damage, injuries, landslides, power outages, and the closure of Honolulu International Airport.
  • 2012 The extrasolar planet Alpha Centauri Bb is discovered.

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Dear Dad,

$chool i$ really great. I am making lot$ of friend$ and $tudying very hard. With all my $tuff, I $imply can`t think of anything I need. $o if you would like, you can ju$t $end me a card, a$ I would love to hear from you.

Love,
Your $on
—–

Dear Son,

I kNOw that astroNOmy, ecoNOmics, and oceaNOgraphy are eNOugh to keep even an hoNOr student busy. Do NOt forget that the pursuit of kNOwledge is a NOble task, and you can never study eNOugh.

Love,
Dad

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“You look glum. What’s up?”

“I had a fight with my wife and she told me she wasn’t going to talk to me for a month.”

“That stinks.”

“You’re not kidding. The month is up today.”
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ONE-LINERS:
“WHAT DOCTORS SAY”
and what they’re really thinking:

“That’s quite a nasty looking wound.”
I think I’m going to throw up.

“This may smart a little.”
Last week two patients bit off their tongues.

“Well, we’re not feeling so well today, are we…?”
I’m stalling for time. Who are you and why are you here?

“This should fix you up.”
The drug company slipped me some big bucks to prescribe this stuff.

“Everything seems to be normal.”
Rats! I guess I can’t buy that new beach condo after all.

“I’d like to run some more tests.”
I can’t figure out what’s wrong. Maybe the kid in the lab can solve this one.

“Do you suppose all this stress could be affecting your nerves?”
You’re crazier’n an outhouse rat. Now, if I can only find a shrink who’ll split fees with me…

“There is a lot of that going around.”
That’s the third one this week! I’d better learn something about this.

“If those symptoms persist, call for an appointment.”
I’ve never heard of anything so disgusting. Thankfully I’m off next week.

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A burglar decided to rob the safe in a store. On the safe door he was very pleased to find a note reading, “Please don’t use dynamite. The safe is not locked. Just turn the knob.”

He did so. Instantly, a heavy sandbag fell on him, the entire premises was floodlighted, and alarms started clanging. As the police carried him out on a stretcher, he was heard moaning, “My confidence in human nature has been rudely shaken.”

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pic of the day:Fall Flower & Weeds

morning glory

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ As the Leaning Tower of Pisa said to Big Ben, “If you’ve got the time, I’ve got the inclination.”
~ I’m afraid of strangers talking about the founder of stoicism. I must have Zenophobia.
~ Researchers say that peanut butter can confirm the early stages of Alzheimer’s disease. . . When it is being used as a hemorrhoid cream.
~ Someone needs to open an express shop for mending clothes and call it “Tailor Swift.”
~ Q: Why does a chicken coop have two doors? A: f it had four, it would be a chicken sedan.
~ I never wanted to believe that my Dad was stealing from his job as a road worker. But when I got home, all the signs were there.
~ There was an advertisement in a Nebraska newspaper which said, “Tired of the same old taste of a hamburger? Try the
great new spread, Getty’s. Available at all Linclon supermarkets. Give your hamburgers a new taste. Treat your hamburger to … Lincoln’s Getty’s Burger Dress.”
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There’s been some discussion about whether or not the Redskins should change their name. After this week, D.C. residents are thinking to avoid embarrassment maybe the team should drop the “Washington.”
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Corrections officer to warden: “Ten prisoners have broken out.”

“Blow the whistles, sound the alarms, alert the police!”

“I think we should call the doctor first. It looks as if it might be measles.”
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Parents can be very upset when their children don’t get into the college of their choice. As an admissions counselor for a state university, I took a call from an irate mother who was demanding to know why her daughter had been turned down.

Avoiding any mention of the transcript full of Ds, I explained that her daughter just wasn’t as “competitive” as the admitted class. “Why doesn’t she try anther school for a year and then transfer?” I suggested.

“Another school?!?” exclaimed the mother. “Have you seen her grades?”

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If Men Were to Rewrite “The Rules”

Rule #1: Anything we said six or eight months ago is inadmissible in an argument. All comments become null and void after seven days.

Rule #2: If we say something that can be interpreted in two ways, and one of the ways makes you sad or angry, we meant the other way.

Rule #3: It is in neither your best interest nor ours to make us take those stupid Cosmo quizzes together.

Rule #4: You can either ask us to do something OR tell us how you want it done — not both.

Rule #5: Whenever possible, please say whatever you have to say during commercials or time-outs.

Rule #6: Christopher Columbus didn’t need directions and neither do we.

Rule #7: When we’re turning the wheel and the car is nosing onto the ramp, you saying “This is our exit” is not necessary.

Rule #8: When the exit ramp is in the rear view mirror, you saying “That was our exit” is equally unnecessary.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Whatever it is!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: A government that robs Peter to pay Paul can always depend on the support of Paul. – George Bernard Shaw

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_funny.html#SocbDfe3kwDzxrTd.99

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!
Thought for the day. . .
“There are moments when troubles enter our lives and we can do nothing to avoid them. But they are there for a reason. Only when we have overcome them will we understand why they were there.” ― Paulo Coelho, The Fifth Mountain

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