October 2, 2014

Attitude is a little thing that makes a big difference. – Winston Churchill

TODAY – OCTOBER 2nd – THURSDAY

275th day of 2014 with 90 to follow.

The moon is waning. Morning stars are Jupiter, Mars and Uranus. Evening stars are Mercury, Neptune, Saturn and Venus.

Holidays for Today:

*Name Your Car Day

*National Fried Scallops Day

*National Custodial Worker Day

*Feast of the Guardian Angels (Catholic)

*World Farm Animals Day

*International Day of Non-Violence

*Breast Cancer Awareness Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1852 Sir William Ramsay, Glasgow, Scotland, chemist (Noble gases)
  • 1869 Mahatma Gandhi, India, leader of independence movement from Britain (inspired non-violent civil rights movements across world)
  • 1890 Groucho Marx, NYC, New York, actor and comedian (You Bet Your Life, Copacabana, The Midado, Skidoo)
  • 1895 Bud Abbott, Asbury Park, New Jersey, actor and comedian (straight man in comedy team of Abbott & Costello)
  • 1904 Graham Greene, English author (Brighton Rock, The Power and the Glory, The Quiet American, No Man’s Land)
  • 1907 Alexander R. Todd, Scottish chemist ( 1957 Nobel Prize for Chemistry / structure and synthesis of nucleotides, nucleosides, and nucleotide coenzymes)
  • 1911 Jack Finney, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, author (The Body Snatchers, Time and Again, The Night People)
  • 1914 Jack Parsons, Pasadena, California, rocket scientist (solid fuel)
  • 1917 Christian de Duve, Thames Ditton, Surrey, Great Britain, biologist (structure and function of organelles)
  • 1928 George “Spanky” McFarland, Dallas, Texas, actor (Our Gang / The Little Rascals)
  • 1933 John Gurdon, English biologist (nuclear transplantation, cloning, Nobel/ discovery mature cells can be converted to stem cells)
  • 1944 Vernor Vinge, Waukesha, Wisconsin, author (A Fire Upon the Deep, A Deepness in the Sky, Fast Times at Fairmont High, The Peace War)
  • 1945 Don McLean, New Rochelle, New York, singer-songwriter and guitarist (American Pie)
  • 1948 Avery Brooks, Evansville, Indiana, actor (Benjamin Sisko on ST: Deep Space Nine; Hawk on Spenser: For Hire, A Man Called Hawk)
  • 1951 Sting, English musician (16 Grammy Awards)
  • 1968 Kelly Willis, Annandale, Virginia, country music singer-songwriter
  • 1970 Kelly Ripa, Stratford, New Jersey, actress, talk show host (All My Children, Live! morning talk show)
  • 1974 Michelle Krusiec, Taiwan-American actress (Travelers, Saving Face, One World, Popular, Dirty Sexy Money, Fringe, Far North)
  • 1986 Camilla Belle, Los Angeles, California, actress (The Ballad of Jack and Rose, When a Stranger Calls, 10,000 BC, Push, Adrift, Cavemen)

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“Money is the opposite of the weather. Nobody talks about it, but everybody does something about it.” – Rebecca Johnson
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1789 George Washington sends the proposed Constitutional amendments (The United States Bill of Rights) to the States for ratification.
  • 1835 The Texas Revolution begins with the Battle of Gonzales: Mexican soldiers attempt to disarm the people of Gonzales, Texas, but encounter stiff resistance from a hastily assembled militia.
  • 1864 American Civil War: Battle of Saltville – Union forces attack Saltville, Virginia, but are defeated by Confederate troops.
  • 1889 During the last great silver boom of the American Old West in Colorado, Nicholas Creede strikes it rich.
  • 1919 U.S. President Woodrow Wilson suffers a massive stroke, leaving him partially paralyzed.
  • 1924 The Geneva Protocol is adopted as a means to strengthen the League of Nations.
  • 1925 John Logie Baird performs the first test of a working television system.
  • 1950 Peanuts by Charles M. Schulz is first published
  • 1958 Guinea declares its independence from France.
  • 1959 The anthology series The Twilight Zone premieres on CBS television.
  • 1967 Thurgood Marshall is sworn in as the first African-American justice of United States Supreme Court.
  • 1970 A plane carrying the Wichita State University football team, administrators, and supporters crashes in Colorado killing 31 people.
  • 2001 NATO backs U.S. military strikes following 9/11.
  • 2002 The Beltway sniper attacks begin, extending over three weeks.
  • 2005 The Ethan Allen tour boat capsizes on Lake George in Upstate New York, killing twenty people.
  • 2006 Five school girls are murdered by Charles Carl Roberts in a shooting at an Amish school in Nickel Mines, Pennsylvania before Roberts commits suicide.

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Some government surveyors came to Ole’s farm and asked if they could do some surveying. Ole agreed, and Lena even served them a nice lunch. Some time later, the two surveyors stopped by and told Ole, “Because you were so kind to us, we wanted to give you the bad news in person instead of by letter.”

“What’s the bad news?”

“After our work here, we discovered your farm is not in Minnesota but is actually in Wisconsin!”

“That’s the best news I have heard in a long time! I just told Lena this morning that I don’t think I can take another winter in Minnesota.”

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Teacher to class during a lesson on punctuation:

“Yes, ‘winky face’ is correct. But in ancient times the semicolon was actually used to separate archaic written
devices known as ‘complete sentences’.”

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ONE-LINERS: Toddler Property Laws

1. If I like it, it’s mine.

2. If it’s in my hand, it’s mine.

3. If I can take it from you, it’s mine.

4. If I had it a little while ago, it’s mine.

5. If it’s mine, it must never appear to be yours in any way.

6. If I’m doing or building something, all the pieces are mine.

7. If it looks just like mine, it’s mine.

8. If I think it’s mine, it’s mine.

9. If I… Oops! I’m sorry, I goofed! Instead of typing in the Toddler Property Laws, I’ve been typing in Bill Gates’ primary business plan.

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A man appeared at the door and announced, “Ma’am, I’m the piano tuner.”

“I didn’t call for a tuner,” the pianist said.

“I know, lady,” the man said. “Your neighbor did.”
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MIXED METAPHORS . . .

~”It was so cold last night I had to throw another blanket on the fire.”

~”It’s time to step up to the plate and cut the mustard.”

~”She’s robbing Peter to pay the piper.”

~”Some people sail through life on a bed of roses like a knife slicing through butter.”

~”Sometimes you’ve gotta stick your neck out on a limb.”

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pic of the day: Butterfly on flowers in the Smoky Mountains

picture of butterfly
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WARNING! GOLDEN OLDIE PUN ZONE!

After twenty years of shaving himself every morning, a man in a small Southern town decided he had enough. He told his wife that he intended to let the local barber shave him each day. He put on his hat and coat and went to the barber shop, which was owned by the pastor of the town’s Baptist Church. The barber’s wife, Grace, was working that day, so she performed the task. Grace shaved him and sprayed him with lilac water, and said, “That will be $20.”

The man thought the price was a bit high, but he paid the bill and went to work. The next morning the man looked in the mirror, and his face was as smooth as it had been when he left the barber shop the day before. Not bad, he thought. At least I don’t need to get a shave every day.

The next morning, the man’s face was still smooth. Two weeks later, the man was still unable to find any trace of whiskers on his face. It was more than he could take, so he returned to the barber shop.

“I thought $20 was high for a shave”, he told the barber’s wife, “but you must have done a great job. It’s been two weeks and my whiskers still haven’t started growing back.”

The expression on her face didn’t even change, expecting his comment. She responded, “You were shaved by Grace and once shaved, always shaved!”
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INEPT ANALOGIES . . .

~The sun was below the horizon, like a diabetic grandma easing into a warm salt bath.

~From the attic came an unearthly howl. The whole scene had an eerie, surreal quality, like when you’re on vacation in another city and Jeopardy comes on at 7:00 p.m. instead of 7:30.

~It was as easy as taking candy from a diabetic man who no longer wishes to eat candy.

~She had a deep, throaty, genuine laugh, like that sound a dog makes before it throws up.

~Their love burned with the fiery intensity of a urinary tract infection.

~It’s basically an illusion and no different than if I were to imagine something else, like Batman riding a flying toaster.

~If it was any colder, it would be like being in a place that’s a little colder than it is here.

~The bird flew gracefully into the air like a man stepping on a landmine in zero gravity.

~He felt as confused as a homeless man on house arrest.

~The revelation that his marriage of 30 years had disintegrated as a rude shock, like a surcharge at a formerly surcharge-free ATM.

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Golden Oldie…. A business owner decides to take a tour around his business and see how things are going. He goes down to the shipping docks and sees a young man leaning against the wall doing nothing.

The owner walks up to the young man and says, “Son, how much do you make a day?”

The guy replies, “150 dollars.”

The owner pulls out his wallet, gives him $150, and tells him to get out and never come back.

A few minutes later the shipping clerk says to the boss, “Have you seen that UPS driver? I left him standing around here?”

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Late Night Quips. . .

#1. This weekend the world said goodbye to one of the greatest players of all time. That’s right, George Clooney finally got married. – Jimmy Fallon

#2. George Clooney got married in Italy. His bachelor party was held over the course of the last 30 years. – Conan O’Brien

#3. Over the weekend, George Clooney got married. Matt Damon and Julia Roberts were there. What was it, a wedding or a heist? – David Letterman

#4. George Clooney is off the market. Clooney and his bride got married in Italy on Saturday, and two days later they are still married! Matt Damon was at the wedding, but Ben Affleck was not. That’s because the Italian church has a very strict “One Batman” rule. – Craig Ferguson

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I hear General Motors has a new training film for new hires: “Total Recall”

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . He who has so little knowledge of human nature as to seek happiness by changing anything but his own disposition will waste his life in fruitless efforts. – Samuel Johnson

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