Jokes and Trivia for October 24, 2013

“Anyone can hide. Facing up to things, working through them, that’s what makes you strong.” ― Sarah Dessen

TODAY – OCTOBER 24th – THURSDAY

297th day of 2013 with 68 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Bologna Day

*United Nations Day

*Good and Plenty Day

*World Development Information Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1788 Sarah Josepha Hale, Newport, New Hampshire, author (Mary Had a Little Lamb)
  • 1804 Wilhelm Eduard Weber, Wittenberg, Saxony, Holy Roman Empire, German physicist, known for First use of ‘c’ for speed of light, Work on magnetism, Electrodynamometer, Telegraphy
  • 1854 Hendrik Willem Bakhuis Roozeboom, Alkmaar, Netherlands, Dutch chemist, gained his reputation for works on phase behaviour in physical chemistry
  • 1915 Bob Kane, New York City, New York, cartoonist (creator of the DC Comics superhero Batman)
  • 1929 George Crumb, Charleston, West Virginia, composer (Pulitzer 1968-Echoes of Time)
  • 1932 Pierre-Gilles de Gennes, Paris, France, physicist, worked on granular materials and on the nature of memory objects in the brain
  • 1936 Bill Wyman, London, England, bass guitarist (The Rolling Stones), photographer
  • 1941 William H. Dobelle, Pittsfield, Massachusetts, biomedical researcher (developed technologies to restore limited sight to blind people, breathing pacemaker research)
  • 1947 Kevin Kline, St Louis, Missouri, actor (Sophie’s Choice, Big Chill, The Pink Panther)
  • 1957 John Kassir, Baltimore, Maryland, actor and comedian (Tales from the Crypt, voice work as Ray “Raymundo” Rocket on Rocket Power, the mischievous Raccoon Meeko in Pocahontas, Jibolba in the Tak and the Power of Juju video game series, voices of Pete Puma in The Looney Tunes Show )
  • 1960 B.D. Wong, San Francisco, California, USA, American actor (Law & Order: Special Victims Unit, Oz)
  • 1967 Jacqueline McKenzie, Sydney, Australia, Australian actress
  • 1973 Madlib, Oxnard, California, American musician and rapper, he is one of the most prolific and critically acclaimed hip hop producers of the 2000s
  • 1980 Monica, Atlanta, Georgia, United States, singer and actress (Don’t Take It Personal, Before You Walk out of My Life)
  • 1980 Casey Wilson, Alexandria, Virginia, comic actress (Happy Endings, Saturday Night Live)
  • 1983 Adrienne Bailon, Manhattan, New York, actress and singer (The Cheetah Girls, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants 2, All You’ve Got)
  • 1983 Brian Vickers, Thomasville, North Carolina, 2003 Busch Series champion, race car driver
  • 1983 VV (Vanessa) Brown, Lower East Side, Manhattan, New York, singer (one string acoustic guitar: Traveling Like Light, Lollipops & Politics)

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“If you think you are too small to make a difference, try sleeping with a mosquito.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1590 John White, The governor of the second Roanoke Colony, returns to England after an unsuccessful search for the “lost” colonists.
  • 1648 The Peace of Westphalia is signed, marking the end of the Thirty Years’ War.
  • 1836 Alonzo Dwight Phillips of Springfield MA received first U.S. patent for the phosphorous friction safety match (No. 68).
  • 1861 The First Transcontinental Telegraph line across the United States is completed, spelling the end for the 18-month-old Pony Express.
  • 1926 Harry Houdini’s last performance, which is at the Garrick Theatre in Detroit, Michigan.
  • 1929 “Black Thursday” stock market crash on the New York Stock Exchange.
  • 1930 A bloodless coup d’état in Brazil ousts Washington Luís Pereira de Sousa, the last President of the First Republic. Getúlio Dornelles Vargas is then installed as “provisional president.”
  • 1931 The George Washington Bridge opens to public traffic.
  • 1945 United Nations Charter becomes effective.
  • 1946 A camera on board the V-2 No. 13 rocket takes the first photograph of earth from outer space.
  • 1947 Walt Disney testifies to the House Un-American Activities Committee, naming Disney employees he believes to be communists.
  • 1954 Dwight D. Eisenhower pledges United States support to South Vietnam
  • 1977 Veterans Day is observed on the fourth Monday in October for the seventh and last time. (The holiday is once again observed on November 11 beginning the following year.)
  • 2002 Police arrest spree killers John Allen Muhammad and Lee Boyd Malvo, ending the Beltway sniper attacks in the area around Washington, DC.
  • 2003 Concorde makes its last commercial flight.
  • 2004 Plane carrying ten members of the NASCAR Hendrick Motorsports team crashes en route to the race held at Martinsville Speedway. There were no survivors.
  • 2005 Hurricane Wilma makes landfall in Florida resulting in 35 direct 26 indirect fatalities and causing $20.6B USD in damage.
  • 2008 “Bloody Friday” saw many of the world’s stock exchanges experience the worst declines in their history, with drops of around 10% in most indices.

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“How was your first week of school?”

“I’m just wasting my time. I can’t read, I can’t write, and they won’t let me talk!”

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A specialist is someone who knows more and more about less and less until he knows everything about nothing.

A General Practitioner is someone who knows less and less about more and more until he knows nothing about everything.

A pathologist is someone who knows more and more about everything until he knows everything about everything, but it’s too late.

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ONE-LINERS: RAMBLINGS OF A RETIRED (TIRED?) MIND . . .

~ I was thinking about how a status symbol of today is those cell phones that everyone has clipped onto their belt or purse. I can’t afford one. So, I’m wearing my garage door opener.

~ I also made a cover for my hearing aid and now I have what they call blue teeth, I think.

~ I was thinking that women should put pictures of missing husbands on beer cans.

~ I was thinking about old age and decided that old age is ‘when you still have something on the ball, but you are just too tired to bounce it.’

~ I thought about making a fitness movie for folks my age, and call it ‘Pumping Rust’.

~ I’ve gotten that dreaded Furniture Disease. That’s when your chest is falling into your drawers.

~ When people see a cat’s litter box, they always say, ‘Oh, have you got a cat?’ Just once I want to say, ‘No, it’s for company.’

~ Employment application blanks always ask who is to be notified in case of an emergency. I think you should write, ‘A Good Doctor’.

~ I was thinking about how people seem to read the Bible a whole lot more as they get older. Then, it dawned on me: They’re cramming for their finals.

~ As for me, I’m just hoping God grades on the curve.

~ Birds of a feather flock together and then crap on your car.

~ A penny saved is a government oversight.

~ The older you get the tougher it is to lose weight, because by then your body and your fat have gotten to be really good friends.

~ The easiest way to find something lost around the house is to buy a replacement.

~ He who hesitates is probably right.

~ Did you ever notice that the Roman numerals for forty (40) are XL?

~ If you can smile when things go wrong you have someone in mind to blame.

~ The sole purpose of a child’s middle name is so he can tell when he’s really in trouble.

~ Did you ever notice when you put the two words ‘THE’ and ‘IRS’ together it spells ‘THEIRS’?

~ Aging: Eventually you will reach a point when you stop lying about your age and start bragging about it.

~ Some people try to turn back their odometers. Not me. I want people to know *why* I look this way. I’ve traveled a long way and some of the roads weren’t paved.

~ When you are dissatisfied and would like to go back to your youth think of English classes and Algebra.

~ You know you are getting old when everything either dries up or leaks.

~ One of the many things no one tells you about aging is that it is such a nice change from being young.

~ Ah, being young is beautiful, but being old is comfortable.

~ Lord, Keep your arm around my shoulder and your hand over my mouth.

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The following are a sampling of REAL answers received on exams given by the California Department of Transportation’s driving school (Saturday Traffic School for moving violation offenders.)
Q: Do you yield when a blind pedestrian is crossing the road?
A: What for? He can’t see my license plate.
Q: When driving through fog, what should you use?
A: Your car.
Q: What problems would you face if you were arrested for drunk driving?
A: I’d probably lose my buzz a lot faster.
Q: Who has the right of way when four cars approach a four-way stop at the same time?
A: The pick up truck with the gun rack and the bumper sticker saying, “Guns don’t kill people. I do.”
Q: What changes would occur in your lifestyle if you could no longer drive lawfully?
A: I would be forced to drive unlawfully.

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pic of the day: Turkeys on a Truck

turkeys-on-truck

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
The Skeleton Files

Favorite food: Spare ribs

Favorite place to eat: The cadaverteria

Favorite historical figure: Napoleon Boneapart

Favorite fictional detective: Sherlock Bones

Favorite vacation retreat: Maliboo

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Two airheads go on a fishing vacation. They buy fancy equipment, rent a great cabin, bring enough food to feed a battalion, and start fishing. They fish all week. They catch exactly ONE fish. Depressed, they go home with their paltry catch.

Airhead one: “Do you realize this one lousy fish cost us 1500 dollars??”

Airhead two: “Wow. Good thing we didn’t catch more.”

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~ Former NFL players agreed to a settlement in their concussion suit. They were suing for hits to the head; any wonder it was a lump sum? – RJ Currie

~ It is high time the blind have guns: they work way better than those canes. If you’re waving a gun around, believe me a path will clear. – Stephen Colbert

~ Wonder what kind of odds you could have gotten in Vegas before 2013 season that the last undefeated team in the NFL would be the Kansus Cuty Chiefs? – Janice Hough

~ Americans are all angry — angry about lost savings, angry at failed corporations and angry at their meds for keeping them from getting as angry as they want to be. – Stephen Colbert

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GOLDEN OLDIE… Sylvester Stallone, Jackie Chan, and Arnold Schwarzenegger agree to make a movie about classical musicians.

They each had to pick a part. Sly says, “I want to be Handel. He’s always been my favorite.”

Jackie says, “I’d like to be Mozart.”

Then Arnold says, “I’ll be Bach.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Between two evils, I always pick the one I never tried before. – Mae West

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“However many holy words you read, however many you speak, what good will they do you if you do not act on upon them?” ― Gautama Buddha

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