Jokes and Trivia for October 25, 2013

“Promise me you’ll always remember: You’re braver than you believe, and stronger than you seem, and smarter than you think.” – A.A. Milne

TODAY – OCTOBER 25th – FRIDAY

298th day of 2013 with 67 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Cartoonists Against Crime Day

*Punk for a Day Day

*World Pasta Day

*National Greasy Foods Day

*Sourest Day (When life gives you lemons, make lemonade!)

*Nevada Day (last Friday in October)

*Frankenstein Friday (last Friday in October)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1811 Évariste Galois, Bourg-la-Reine, France, mathematician (Work on the theory of equationsand Abelian integrals)
  • 1825 Johann Strauss II (the younger), Austria, composer (Waltz King – The Blue Danube)
  • 1856 Dragutin Gorjanovic-Kramberger, Zagreb, Croatia, paleontologist (founded the Geological Commission for Croatia and Slavonia)
  • 1864 John Francis Dodge, Niles, Michigan, automobile manufacturing pioneer
  • 1881 Pablo Picasso, Spain, artist (3 Dancers, Guernica), sculptor
  • 1888 Richard E. Byrd, Winchester, Virginia, explorer (claimed his expeditions were first to reach the North Pole and the South Pole by air)
  • 1912 Minnie Pearl [Sarah Ophelia Colley], Centerville, Tennessee, comedienne and singer (Grand Old Opry, Hee-Haw)
  • 1914 John Berryman, McAlester, Oklahoma, poet (a founder of the Confessional school of poetry. Dream Songs)
  • 1928 Marion Ross, Watertown, Minnesota, actress (Marion-Happy Days, Brooklyn Bridge)
  • 1935 Russell Schweickart, Neptune, New Jersey, astronaut (Lunar module pilot for Apollo 9, 1st Skylab mission)
  • 1941 Anne Tyler, Minneapolis, Minnesota, writer (Accidental Tourist)
  • 1941 Helen Reddy, Melbourne, Australia, singer (I Am Woman)
  • 1951 Richard Lloyd, Pittsburgh, Pennsylvania, guitarist (Television)
  • 1961 Chad Smith, Richfield, Minnesota, drummer (Red Hot Chili Peppers)
  • 1961 Ward Burton, South Boston, Virginia, NASCAR auto racer
  • 1964 Michael Boatman, Colorado Springs, Colorado, actor (China Beach)
  • 1970 Adam Goldberg, Santa Monica CA, actor (Medium, Nancy Drew, Saving Private Ryan/Mellish)
  • 1971 Midori Goto, Japanese violinist
  • 1979 Sarah Thompson, Los Angeles, California, actress (The Ice Storm)
  • 1980 Sarah Benincasa, American comedian
  • 1980 Mehcad Brooks, Austin, Texas, actor and former model ( Desperate Housewives)
  • 1981 Josh Henderson, Dallas, Texas, actor and singer (member: Scene 23)
  • 1981 Jerome Isaac Jones, Los Angeles, California, singer (album: Food for Thought, in 2004)
  • 1981 Austin Winkler, Oklahoma City, Oklahoma, lead vocalist (Hinder)
  • 1984 Katy Perry, Santa Barbara, California, singer (“I Kissed a Girl”)
  • 2001 Princess Elisabeth of Belgium

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“Words are easy, like the wind; Faithful friends are hard to find.” ― William Shakespeare

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1415 – The army of Henry V of England defeats the French at the Battle of Agincourt.
  • 1616 – Dutch sea-captain Dirk Hartog makes second recorded landfall by a European on Australian soil, at the later-named Dirk Hartog Island off theWestern Australian coast.
  • 1854 – The Light Brigade charges (Battle of Balaklava) (Crimean War).
  • 1900 – The United Kingdom annexes the Transvaal.
  • 1917 – Traditionally understood date of the October Revolution, involving the capture of the Winter Palace, Petrograd, Russia. The date refers to the Julian Calendar date, and corresponds with November 7 in the Gregorian calendar.
  • 1944 – Heinrich Himmler orders a crackdown on the Edelweiss Pirates, a loosely organized youth culture in Nazi Germany that had assisted army deserters and others to hide from the Third Reich.
  • 1944 – The USS Tang under Richard O’Kane (the top American submarine captain of World War II) is sunk by the ship’s own malfunctioning torpedo.
  • 1945 – Republic of China takes over administration of Taiwan following Japan’s surrender to the Allies.
  • 1962 – Cuban missile crisis: Adlai Stevenson shows photos at the UN proving Soviet missiles are installed in Cuba.
  • 1971 – The United Nations seated the People’s Republic of China and expelled the Republic of China
  • 1972 – The Washington Post reports that White House Chief of Staff H.R. Haldeman is the fifth person to control a secret cash fund designed to finance illegal political sabotage andespionage during the 1972 presidential election campaign (see also Watergate scandal).
  • 1977 – Digital Equipment Corporation releases OpenVMS V1.0.
  • 1980 – Proceedings on the Hague Convention on the Civil Aspects of International Child Abduction conclude at The Hague.
  • 1983 – Operation Urgent Fury: The United States and its Caribbean allies invade Grenada, six days after Prime Minister Maurice Bishop and several of his supporters are executed in a coup d’état.
  • 1991 – History of Slovenia: Three months after the end of the Ten-Day War, the last soldier of the Yugoslav People’s Army leaves the territory of the Republic of Slovenia.
  • 1992 – Lithuania holds a referendum on its first post-Soviet constitution.
  • 1995 – A commuter train slams into a school bus in Fox River Grove, Illinois, killing seven students.
  • 2004 – Fidel Castro, Cuba’s President, announces that transactions using the American Dollar will be banned by November 8.
  • 2009 – The 25 October 2009 Baghdad bombings kills 155 and wounds at least 721.

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I was bragging about my children’s world travels: one son was teaching in Bolivia, another was working in southern
Italy, and my daughter was completing a year-long research project in India.

My co-worker was unimpressed. “What is it about you,” he asked, “that makes your kids want to get so far away?”

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Kev and Bill were talking one day. ‘My wife asked me to buy organic vegetables from the greengrocer’s,’ said Kevin.
‘So were you able to find some?” enquired Bill.

‘Well when I got to the shop, I asked the manager, ‘These vegetables are for my wife. Have they been sprayed with any poisonous chemicals?” Kevin continued, ‘The shopkeeper told me, ‘No, you’ll have to do that yourself.”

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ONE-LINERS: Ever Wonder …

Why the sun lightens our hair, but darkens our skin?

Why women can’t put on mascara with their mouth closed?

Why don’t you ever see the headline ‘Psychic Wins Lottery’?

Why is ‘abbreviated’ such a long word?

Why don’t sheep shrink when it rains?

Why are they called apartments when they are all stuck together?

If con is the opposite of pro, is Congress the opposite of progress?

If flying is so safe, why do they call the airport the terminal?

Why isn’t there mouse-flavored cat food?

Why didn’t Noah swat those two mosquitoes?

Why do they sterilize the needle for lethal injections?

You know that indestructible black box that is used on airplanes? Why don’t they make the whole plane out of that stuff?

Why is it that doctors call what they do ‘practice’?

Why is lemon juice made with artificial flavor, and dish washing liquid made with real lemons?

Why is the man who invests all your money called a “broker”?

Why is the time of day with the slowest traffic called “rush hour”?

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One afternoon a rich man was riding in his limousine when he saw two men along the roadside eating grass. Disturbed, he ordered his driver to stop and he got out to investigate. He asked one man, ‘Why are you eating grass?’

‘We don’t have any money for food,’ the poor man replied. ‘We have to eat grass.’

‘Well, then, you can come with me to my house and I’ll feed you,’ the rich man said.

‘But, sir, I have a wife and two children with me. They are over there, under that tree.’

‘Bring them along,’ the rich man replied. Turning to the other poor man he announced, ‘You come with us, also.’

The second man, in a pitiful voice then said, ‘But sir, I also have a wife and six children with me.’

‘Bring them all, as well,’ the rich fellow answered.

They all climb in the car, which was no easy task, even for a car as large as the limousine. Once underway, one of the poor fellows turned to the rich gent and said, ‘Sir, you are too kind. Thank you for taking all of us with you.’

The rich man replied, ‘Glad to do it. You’ll really love my place. The grass is almost a foot high.’

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pic of the day: Goldfinch

goldfinch

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Many years ago there was a famous baseball pitcher named Wilt Famey. His career was brilliant, but in his last years his abilities decreased. Becoming depressed, he started drinking a lot of beer, both on and off the field. In his last year in the major leagues, he was drunk in the dugout most of the time, but his team made it to the World Series. Wilt had not pitched throughout the entire series, but in the last half of the 9th inning of the final game, the score was tied, Wilt’s team was on the field, there were 2 outs, and the bases were loaded. His teammates called out, “Bring on Wilt Famey! He’ll save the game for us!” Wilt staggered out of the dugout amongst all the beer cans, stumbled to the mound, and pitched four balls, walking the winning run across. As the opposing team was passing by Wilt’s team’s dugout, one of the players said, “Hey, what’s with all the beer cans in their dugout?” His teammate replied, “Didn’t you know? That’s the beer that made Milt Famey walk us!”

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Exchange of messages between a commuter and a subway company:

Gentlemen:

I have been riding subways daily for the last 22 years, and the service on your line seems to be getting worse every day. I am tired of standing in the aisle all the time on a 14-mile trip. I think the transportation system is worse that that enjoyed by people 2,000 years ago.

Yours truly,
A. Commuter
—–

Dear Sir:

We received your letter with reference to the shortcomings of our service and believe you are somewhat confused in your history. The only mode of transportation 2,000 years ago was by foot.

Sincerely,
A Subway

—–

Gentlemen:

I am in receipt of your letter, and I think you are the ones who are confused in your history. If you will refer to the 9th Chapter of the Book of David, you will find that Balaam rode to town on his ass. That, gentlemen, is something I have not been able to do on your subway in the last 22 years.

Yours truly,
A. Commuter

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What’s the first thing that a wizard does in the morning?
He wakes up!

Why do witches wear pointy black hats?
To keep their heads warm!

What did the wizard say to his witch girlfriend?
Hello gore-juice!

What do you get if you cross a river with an inflatable wizard?
To the other side!

What do wizards stop for on the motorway?
Witchhikers!

What do you get if you cross a dinosaur with a wizard?
Tyrannosaurus hex!

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My memory really stinks. So I changed my password to “incorrect”. That way when I log in with the wrong password the computer will tell me … “Your password is incorrect.”

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A cowboy from Texas walked into a bank in New York City and asked for the loan officer. He told the loan officer that he was going home to Texas for two weeks and needed to borrow $5,000 and that he was not a depositor of the bank.

The bank officer told him that the bank would need some form of security for the loan, so the cowboy handed over the keys to a brand new Ford F-250 King Ranch. The truck was parked on the street in front of the bank. The old cowboy produced the title and everything checked out.

The loan officer agreed to hold the car as collateral for the loan and apologized for having to charge 12% interest.

Later, the bank’s president and its officers all enjoyed a good laugh at the cowboy from the south for using a $85,000 pickup truck as collateral for a $5,000 loan. An employee of the bank then drove the truck into the bank’s private underground garage and safely parked it.

Two weeks later, the old cowboy returned, repaid the $5,000 and the interest of $23.07, and took the keys to his truck.

The loan officer said, “Sir, we are very happy to have had your business, and this transaction has worked out very nicely, but we are a little puzzled. While you were away, we checked you out on Dunn & Bradstreet and found that you are a Distinguished Alumnus From Texas A&M, a highly-sophisticated investor and a multi-millionaire with real estate and financial interests all over the world. What puzzles us is why would you bother to borrow $5,000?”

The good ‘ole Texan replied, “Where else in New York City can I park my truck for two weeks for only $23.07 and expect it to be there when I return?”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “There is nothing better than a friend, unless it is a friend with chocolate.” ― Linda Grayson

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“Friendship is the hardest thing in the world to explain. It’s not something you learn in school. But if you haven’t learned the meaning of friendship, you really haven’t learned anything.” ― Muhammad Ali

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