Jokes and Trivia for October 28, 2013

“People take different roads seeking fulfillment and happiness. Just because they’re not on your road doesn’t mean they’ve gotten lost.” – Dalai Lama XIV

TODAY – OCTOBER 28th – MONDAY

301st day of 2013 with 64 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Plush Animal Lover’s Day

*National Chocolate Day

*Wild Foods Day

*International Animation Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1703 Antoine Deparcieux, French mathematician (one of the founders of the estimation of longevity and all the issues surrounding that concept)
  • 1875 Gilbert Hovey Grosvenor, Istanbul, Turkey, American geographer and editor (father of photojournalism, first full-time editor of National Geographic Magazine)
  • 1914 Jonas Salk, New York City, biologist and physician (discovery and development of the first safe and effective polio vaccine)
  • 1925 Leonard Starr, New York City, comic strip cartoonist (Little Orphan Annie, ThunderCats)
  • 1929 John Hollander, New York, poet (Sonnets: From Dante to the present, Everyman’s library pocket poets.)
  • 1936 Charlie Daniels, Wilmington, North Carolina, singer (Devil Went Down to Georgia)
  • 1944 Dennis Franz, Maywood, Illnois, actor (Buntz – Hill Street Blues, NYPD Blue)
  • 1952 Annie Potts, Nashville, Tennessee, actress (Mary Jo – Designing Women; Ghostbusters, Pretty in Pink, Jumpin’ Jack Flash)
  • 1955 Bill [William Henry] Gates, Seattle, Washington, billionaire CEO (Microsoft)
  • 1967 Julia Roberts, Atlanta, Georgia, actress (Runaway Bride, Nothing Hill, Duplicity, Pretty Woman, Erin Brokovich)
  • 1972 Brad Paisley, Glen Dale, West Virginia, musician (American Saturday Night)
  • 1974 Joaquin Phoenix, San Juan, Puerto Rico, American actor (We Own the Night, Walk the Line)
  • 1977 Lauren Woodland, Carson City, Nevada, actress (Alien Nation )

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“When you’re at the end of your rope, tie a knot and hold on.” – Theodore Roosevelt

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1538 The first university in the New World, the Universidad Santo Tomás de Aquino, is established.
  • 1636 Harvard University (Cambridge Mass) founded.
  • 1775 A British proclamation forbids residents from leaving Boston during the American Revolutionary War.
  • 1793 Eli Whitney applies for a patent on cotton gin.
  • 1886 President Grover Cleveland dedicates the Statue of Liberty in New York Harbor.
  • 1918 Czechoslovakia gains independence as Austria-Hungary breaks up.
  • 1919 The U.S. Congress passes the Volstead Act over President Woodrow Wilson’s veto, paving the way for Prohibition to begin the following January.
  • 1936 U.S. President Franklin D. Roosevelt rededicates the Statue of Liberty on its 50th anniversary.
  • 1942 The Alaska Highway (Alcan Highway) is completed through Canada to Fairbanks, Alaska.
  • 1958 Angelo Giuseppe Roncalli, elected Pope, taking name John XXIII.
  • 1965 Gateway Arch (630′ (190m) high) completed in St Louis, Missouri.
  • 1986 The centenary of the dedication of the Statue of Liberty is celebrated in New York Harbor.
  • 2009 NASA successfully launches the Ares I-X mission, the only rocket launch for its later-cancelled Constellation program.

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A mother was determined to break through the generation gap and have a meaningful conversation with her pre-teen about her first day back at school.

The mother asked, “Did you have a good day?”

The daughter responded with, “Yeah.”

Trying to prod a more detailed response the mother inquired, “Do you like school this year?”

The daughter said, “Well, sort of.”

Again pressing the point, the determined Mom asked, “Well how much did you like it.”

As a sign of the way smart phones have changed the way young people think the daughter replied, “I like it. But, I only like it about two bars.”

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The teacher of the earth science class was lecturing on map reading.

After explaining about latitude, longitude, degrees and minutes the teacher asked, “Suppose I asked you to meet me for lunch at 23 degrees, 4 minutes north latitude and 45 degrees, 15 minutes east longitude…?”

After a confused silence, a voice volunteered, “I guess you’d be eating alone.”

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ONE-LINERS: Why Men Are Just Happier People

* Your last name stays put.
* The garage is all yours.
* Wedding plans take care of themselves.
* You can never be pregnant.
* Chocolate is just another snack.
* You can open all your own jars.
* You can play with toys all your life.
* You don’t have to stop and think of which way to turn a nut on a bolt.
* Car mechanics tell you the truth.
* Your underwear is $9.95 for a three-pack.
* You never have strap problems in public.
* People never stare at your chest when you’re talking to them.
* New shoes don’t cut, blister, or mangle your feet.
* You can ‘do’ your nails with a pocket knife.
* Three pairs of shoes are more than enough.
* You! are unable to see wrinkles in your clothes.
* Everything on your face stays its original colour.
* You have freedom of choice concerning growing a moustache.
* You get extra credit for the slightest act of thoughtfulness.
* You can do Christmas shopping for 25 relatives on December 24 in 25 minutes.
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A young boy enters a barber shop and the barber whispers to his customer, “This is the dumbest kid in the world. Watch while I prove it to you.”

The barber puts a dollar bill in one hand and two quarters in the other, then calls the boy over and asks, “Which do you want, son?” The boy takes the quarters and leaves.

“What did I tell you?” said the barber. “That kid never learns!”

Later, when the customer leaves, he sees the same young boy coming out of the ice cream store. “Hey, son! May I ask you a question? Why did you take the quarters instead of the dollar bill?”

The boy licked his cone and replied, “Because the day I take the dollar, the game’s over!”

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pic of the day: Frosty Spiderweb

frosty spiderweb

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ I finally got rid of that nasty electrical charge I’ve been carrying. I’m ex-static!
~ Puns about monorails always make for decent one-liners.
~ Let’s talk about rights and lefts. You’re right so I left.
~ No matter how much you push the envelope, it’ll still be stationery.
~ When the TV repairman got married the reception was excellent.
~ I used to be a tap dancer until I fell in the sink.
~ When I asked the man how he became a ditch-digger, he said he just fell into it.
~ Calves take well to bottle feeding because one nipple is as good as an udder.
~ For plumbers, a flush beats a full house.
~ I just got my permit to harvest shrimp in the Antarctic. Now I have a license to Krill.

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The congregation of a small stone church decided that the stone which formed the step up to the front door had become too worn by its years of use, and would have to be replaced. As a sign of the faithfulness of members over the years, the stone had a pronounced dip in the middle, well-worn by parishioners entering and leaving the chapel.

Unfortunately, there were hardly any funds available for the replacement. Then someone came up with the bright idea that the replacement could be postponed for many years by simply turning the block of stone over.

They discovered that their great-grandparents had beaten them to it.

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An eccentric philosophy professor gave a one question final exam after a semester dealing with a broad array of topics.

The class was already seated and ready to go when the professor picked up his chair, plopped it on his desk and wrote on the board: “Using everything we have learned this semester, prove that this chair does not exist.”

Fingers flew, erasers erased, notebooks were filled in furious fashion. Some students wrote over 30 pages in one hour attempting to refute the existence of the chair. One member of the class however, was up and finished in less than a minute.

Weeks later when the grades were posted, the rest of the group wondered how he could have gotten an A when he had barely written anything at all. His answer consisted of two words: “What chair?”

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I have changed my system for labeling homemade freezer meals. I used to carefully note in large clear letters, “Meatloaf” or “Pot Roast” or “Steak and Vegetables or “Chicken and Dumplings” or “Beef Pot Pie.”

However, I used to get frustrated when I asked my husband what he wanted for dinner because he never asked for any of those things. So, I decided to stock the freezer with what he really likes.

If you look in my freezer now you’ll see a whole new set of labels. You’ll find dinners with neat little tags that say: “Whatever,” “Anything,” “I Don’t Know,” “I Don’t Care,” “Something Good,” or “Food.” My frustration is now reduced because no matter what my husband replies when I ask him what he wants for dinner, I know that it is there waiting.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Whatever it is!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Housework can’t kill you, but why take a chance? – Phyllis Diller

Read more at http://www.brainyquote.com/quotes/topics/topic_funny.html#bKtO7ygZAo35VwLV.99

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
We’re reminded “that greatness lies even in the smallest of moments, in the humblest of hearts, and we shall, each of us, be called to greatness. Whether we shall rise to meet it or let it slip away is the challenge put before us all.” ― Libba Bray

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