Jokes and Trivia for October 29, 2013

“They say a person needs just three things to be truly happy in this world: someone to love, something to do, and something to hope for.” ― Tom Bodett

TODAY – OCTOBER 29th – TUESDAY

302nd day of 2013 with 63 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Hermit Day

*National Frankenstein Day

*National Oatmeal Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1740 James Boswell, Scotland, lawyer & author (biography of Samuel Johnson)
  • 1906 Fredric Brown, Cincinnati, Ohio, author (Science fiction & Mystery: What Mad Universe; Martians Go Home; The Lights in the Sky Are Stars, Arena, The Screaming Mimi)
  • 1923 Carl Djerassi, Vienna, Austria, chemist (helped in development of oral contraceptive pills)
  • 1925 Dominick Dunne, Hartford, Connecticut, author & investigative journalist (The Two Mrs. Grenvilles, An Inconvenient Woman, A Season in Purgatory / tv show: Dominick Dunne’s Power, Privilege, and Justice)
  • 1942 Bob Ross, Daytona Beach, Florida, painter and television host (The Joy of Painting)
  • 1947 Richard Dreyfuss, Brooklyn, New York, actor (American Graffiti, Jaws, Close Encounters of the Third Kind, The Goodbye Girl )
  • 1948 Kate Jackson, Birmingham, Alabama, actress (Dark Shadows, The Rookies, 1976-1979 Charlie’s Angels, Scarecrow and Mrs. King, Baby Boom)
  • 1958 David Remnick, Hackensack, New Jersey, writer and editor of The New Yorker
  • 1961 Randy Jackson, Gary, Indiana, musician (The Jacksons )
  • 1967 Joely Fisher, Burbank, California, actress (‘Til Death)
  • 1969 SA Martinez, Omaha, Nebraska, singer (311)
  • 1971 Winona Ryder, Olmsted County, Minnesota, actress (The Age of Innocence, Little Women)
  • 1976 Milena Govich, Norman, Oklahoma, actress (Law & Order )
  • 1980 Ben Foster, Boston, Massachusetts, actor (The Laramie Project, Liberty Heights, Get Over It, Hostage, X-Men: The Last Stand )

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“Happiness is not a goal…it’s a by-product of a life well lived.” – Eleanor Roosevelt

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1675 Leibniz makes the first use of the long s (∫) as a symbol of the integral in calculus.
  • 1787 Mozart’s opera Don Giovanni receives its first performance in Prague.
  • 1792 Mount Hood (Oregon) is named after the British naval officer Alexander Arthur Hood by Lt. William E. Broughton who spotted the mountain near the mouth of the Willamette River.
  • 1863 Eighteen countries meet in Geneva and agree to form the International Red Cross.
  • 1886 In New York City the first ticker-tape parade takes place when office workers spontaneously throw ticker tape into the streets as the Statue of Liberty is dedicated.
  • 1901 In Amherst, Massachusetts nurse Jane Toppan is arrested for murdering the Davis family of Boston with an overdose of morphine.
  • 1953 BCPA Flight 304 DC-6 crashes near San Francisco, California. Pianist William Kapell is among the 19 killed.
  • 1956 Suez Crisis begins: Israeli forces invade the Sinai Peninsula and push Egyptian forces back toward the Suez Canal.
  • 1960 Cassius Clay (later known as Muhammad Ali) won his first professional fight, in Louisville, Kentucky.
  • 1961 Syria exits from the United Arab Republic.
  • 1964 A collection of irreplaceable gems, including the 565 carat (113 g) Star of India, is stolen by a group of thieves (among them is “Murph the surf”) from the American Museum of Natural History in New York City.
  • 1967 Montreal’s World Fair, Expo 67, closes with over 50 million visitors.
  • 1969 The first-ever computer-to-computer link is established on ARPANET, the precursor to the Internet.
  • 1980 Mark David Chapman, John Lennon’s murderer, leaves for New York from his home in Hawaii.
  • 1994 Francisco Martin Duran fires over two dozen shots at the White House (Duran is later convicted of trying to kill US President Bill Clinton).
  • 1998 Apartheid: In South Africa, the Truth and Reconciliation Commission presents its report, which condemns both sides for committing atrocities.
  • 1998 Space Shuttle Discovery blasts off on STS-95 with 77-year old John Glenn on board, making him the oldest person to go into space.
  • 1998 Hurricane Mitch, the second deadliest Atlantic hurricane in history, makes landfall in Honduras.
  • 2004 In Rome, European heads of state sign the Treaty and Final Act establishing the first European Constitution which, however, failed to be ratified by all signatory countries and therefore never entered into force.
  • 2008 Delta Air Lines merges with Northwest Airlines, creating the world’s largest airline and reducing the number of US legacy carriers to 5.

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Lecturer speaking about whales: “For instance, some whales can communicate at a distance of 300 miles.”

“What on earth would one whale say to another 300 miles away?”

“I’m not absolutely sure, but I bet it sounds something like ‘Heeeeeeey! Can you hear me nowwww?'”

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Tech support: “Okay, let’s press the control and escape keys at the same time. That brings up a task list in the middle of the screen. Now type the letter ‘P’ to bring up the Program Manager.”

“I don’t have a P.”

“On your keyboard.”

“What do you mean?”

“‘P’ on your keyboard.”

“I’m not going to do that!”

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ONE-LINERS: Allegedly Actual Classified Ads . . .

Auto Repair Service. Free pick-up and delivery. Try us once,you’ll never go anywhere again.

Our experienced Mom will care for your child. Fenced yard, meals, and smacks included.

Dog for sale: eats anything and is fond of children.

Man wanted to work in dynamite factory. Must be willing to travel.

Stock up and save. Limit: one.

Semi-Annual after Christmas Sale

3-year-old teacher needed for preschool. Experience preferred.

Mixing bowl set designed to please a cook with round bottom for efficient beating.

Girl wanted to assist magician in cutting off head illusion. Blue Cross and salary.

Dinner Special — Turkey $2.35; Chicken or Beef $2.25; Children $2.00

For sale: antique desk suitable for lady with thick legs and large drawers.

Now is your chance to have your ears pierced and get an extra pair to take home, too.

We do not tear your clothing with machinery. We do it carefully by hand.

Great Dames for sale.

Have several very old dresses from grandmother in beautiful condition.

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It was Christmas Eve and we were putting out cookies for Santa when I accidentally dropped one. “No problem,” I said, picking it up and dusting it off before placing it back on the plate.

“You can’t do that,” argued my four-year-old.

“Don’t worry. Santa will never know.”

He shot me a look. “So he knows if I’ve been bad or good, but he doesn’t know the cookie fell on the floor?”

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pic of the day:Thanksgiving & Christmas Doing the Turkey Two-Step

turkey-2-step

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
As an investigator for the Fantasy Beings’ Fair Housing Commission, Ferdinand Feghoot was assigned to look into complaints that the town of Donnybrook was systematically excluding the fictive.

The Mayor of Donnybrook was indignant. “That’s nonsense!” he fumed. “Why, we have several families of Hobbits
living here, the principal of our high school is an Elf, and one of our aldermen is an Orc.”

Feghoot shook his head sadly. “That,” he replied, “is only Tolkien integration.”

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The day before my girlfriend’s birthday, I went to a florist and ordered 21 perfect roses. I wrote out a card, “One rose for each year of your life” and sealed it in an envelope.

The florist decided that since I was such a good customer, he would give me a break. He added an extra dozen roses to the bouquet.

It took me months to find out why she was so angry with me.

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Cat Quotes:

“Cats are smarter than dogs. You can’t get eight cats to pull a sled through snow.” – Jeff Valdez

“There is no snooze button for a cat that wants breakfast.” -Anonymous

“Thousands of years ago, cats were worshipped as gods. Cats have never forgotten this.” – Anonymous

“In a cat’s eye, all things belong to cats.” – English proverb

“As every cat owner knows, nobody owns a cat.” – Ellen Perry Berkeley

“One cat just leads to another.” – Ernest Hemingway

“Dogs come when they’re called; cats take a message and get back to you.” – Mary Bly

“Cats are rather delicate creatures and they are subject to a good many ailments, but I never heard of one who suffered from insomnia.” – Joseph Wood Krutch

“People who hate cats will come back as mice in their next life.” – Faith Resnick

“I have studied many philosophers and many cats. The wisdom of cats is infinitely superior.” – Hippolyte Taine

“There are many intelligent species in the universe. They are all owned by cats.” – Anonymous

“There are two means of refuge from the miseries of life: music and cats.” – Albert Schweitzer

The cat has too much spirit to have no heart.” – Ernest Menaul

“No heaven will not ever Heaven be Unless my cats are there to welcome me.” – Anonymous

“Time spent with cats is never wasted.” – Colette

“Some people say that cats are sneaky, evil, and cruel. True, and they have many other fine qualities as well.” – Missy Dizick

“You will always be lucky if you know how to make friends with strange cats.” – Colonial American proverb

“Cats seem to go on the principle that it never does any harm to ask for what you want.” – Joseph Wood Krutch

“Cats aren’t clean, they’re covered with cat spit.” – John S. Nichols

“The smallest feline is a masterpiece.” – Leonardo Da Vinci

“Cat’s motto: No matter what you’ve done wrong, always try to make it look like the dog did it.” – Anonymous

“Women and cats will do as they please and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea.” – Robert A. Heinlein

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I always wanted to be somebody, but now I realize I should have been more specific. – Lily Tomlin

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“I am a happy camper so I guess I’m doing something right. Happiness is like a butterfly; the more you chase it, the more it will elude you, but if you turn your attention to other things, it will come and sit softly on your shoulder.” ― Henry David Thoreau

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