Humor for May 24, 2017

Real joy comes not from ease or riches or from the praise of men, but from doing something worthwhile. – Sir Wilfred Grenfell

TODAY – MAY 24th – WEDNESDAY

144th day of 2016 with 221 days to follow. Moon is waning with 3% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Escargot Day
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1686 Daniel Gabriel Fahrenheit, German, physicist & inventor (alcohol thermometer, mercury thermometer, developed Fahrenheit temperature scale)
  •  1879 H. B. Reese, Frosty Hill, Pennsylvania, inventor of Reese’s and founder of Reeses Candy Company
  • 1898 Helen Brooke Taussig, Cambridge, Massachusetts, physician, founded pediatric cardiology (pioneered use of X-rays to identify heart defects in newborns)
  •  1941 Bob Dylan [Zimmerman], Duluth, Minnesota, singer/songwriter (Blowin’ in Wind)
  • 1943 Gary Burghoff, Bristol, Connecticut, actor (Radar on M*A*S*H, Match Game)
  • 1944 Patti LaBelle [Holt], Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, singer (LaBelle /Lady Marmalade)
  • 1945 Priscilla Presley, Brooklyn, New York, actress (Dallas, Naked Gun)
  • 1960 Doug Jones, Indianapolis, Indiana, actor (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, Hellboy, Pan’s Labyrinth, Fantastic Four: Rise of the Silver Surfer, Falling Skies, Beneath the Leaves)
  • 1963 Michael Chabon, Washington D.C., author (The Mysteries of Pittsburgh, Wonder Boys, The Amazing Adventures of Kavalier & Clay, Moonglow)
  • 1965 John C. Reilly, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Casualties of War, Days of Thunder, The Perfect Storm, Kong: Skull Island)
  • 1966 Ricky Craven, Newburgh, Maine, NASCAR driver (last drove Nextel Cup/2004; Craftsman Truck/2005; NASCAR analyst for Yahoo)
  • 1978 Bryan Greenberg, Omaha, Nebraska, actor (One Tree Hill, October Road, How to Make It in America, The Mindy Project) and singer

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Use your imagination not to scare yourself to death but to inspire yourself to life. – Adele Brookman
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1830 Mary Had A Little Lamb” by Sarah Hale is published.
  • 1844 Samuel FB Morse taps out “What hath God wrought” (1st telegraph message).
  • 1915 Thomas Edison invents telescribe to record telephone conversations.
  • 1940 Igor Sikorsky performs the first successful single-rotor helicopter flight.
  • 1954 IBM announces vacuum tube “electronic” brain that could perform 10 million operations an hour.
  • 1962 Project Mercury: American astronaut Scott Carpenter orbits the Earth three times in the Aurora 7 space capsule.
  • 1989 Indiana Jones & the Last Crusade” premieres.
  • 1993 Microsoft unveils Windows NT.
  • 2001 Mountain climbing: 15-year-old Sherpa Temba Tsheri becomes the youngest person to climb on top of Mt. Everest.

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For forty years we have studied bird calls . There are so many different species , and to make it more difficult they have territorial accents just like people do.

The really amazing thing is, we have translated all of their calls. And the message is always the same. No matter the breed or the location, the message is always the same:

“Yah! Yah! Yah! Cats can’t fly!”

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This is a bricklayer’s accident report that was printed in the newsletter of the English equivalent of the Workers’ Compensation Board. This is this Bricklayer’s report … a true story.

Dear Sir;

I am writing in response to your request for additional information in Block #3 of the accident reporting form. I put “Poor Planning” as the cause of my accident. You asked for a fuller explanation and I trust the following details will be sufficient.

I am a bricklayer by trade. On the day of the accident, I was working alone on the roof of a new six-story building. When I completed my work, I found I had some bricks left over which when weighed later were found to weigh 240 lbs. Rather than carry the bricks down by hand, I decided to lower them in a barrel by using a pulley which was attached to the side of the building at the sixth floor.

Securing the rope at ground level, I went up to the roof, swung the barrel out and loaded the bricks into it. Then I went down and untied the rope, holding it tightly to insure a slow descent of the 240 lbs of bricks. You will note on the accident reporting form that my weight is 135 lbs.

Due to my surprise at being jerked off the ground so suddenly, I lost my presence of mind and forgot to let go of the rope. Needless to say, I proceeded at a rapid rate up the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel which was now proceeding downward at an equally impressive speed. This explains the fractured skull, minor abrasions and the broken collarbone, as listed in Section 3, accident reporting form.

Slowed only slightly, I continued my rapid ascent, not stopping until the fingers of my right hand were two knuckles deep into the pulley which I mentioned in Paragraph 2 of this correspondence. Fortunately by this time I had regained my presence of mind and was able to hold tightly to the rope, in spite of the excruciating pain I was now beginning to experience.

At approximately the same time, however, the barrel of bricks hit the ground and the bottom fell out of the barrel. Now devoid of the weight of the bricks, the barrel weighed approximately 50 lbs. I refer you again to my weight. As you might imagine, I began a rapid descent down the side of the building. In the vicinity of the third floor, I met the barrel coming up. This accounts for the two fractured ankles, broken tooth and severe lacerations of my legs and lower body.

Here my luck began to change slightly. The encounter with the barrel seemed to slow me enough to lessen my injuries when I fell into the pile of bricks and fortunately only three vertebrae were cracked.

I am sorry to report, however, as I lay there on the pile of bricks, in pain, unable to move and watching the empty barrel six stories above me, I again lost my composure and presence of mind and let go of the rope and I lay there watching the empty barrel begin its journey back onto me.

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ONE-LINERS:

~You know how it is when you’re walking up the stairs, and you get to the top, and you think there’s one more step? I’m like that all the time.

~I have a hobby…I have the world’s largest collection of sea shells. I keep it scattered on beaches all over the world. Maybe you’ve seen some of it…

~I broke a mirror in my house. I’m supposed to get seven years of bad luck, but my lawyer thinks he can get me five.

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Lawyer to client: “You owe me $7,522.91 down and $617.58 cents each month for the next thirty-six months.”

“What!?! That sounds like a car payment schedule!”

“You’re right. It’s mine.”

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pic of the day: Twelve Spotted Skimmer

12-Spotted-Skimmer
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one? At a store where they retail spirits.

~If the FBI augmented its postal posters of 10 Most Wanted by painting the info on coffee containers and dispensing them, would I drink my morning coffee from a mug with the mug of a mugger?

~If you dream in vivid colors, is that a pigment of your imagination?

~If you think I’m a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.

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Golden Oldie… ‘Doctor O’Hara,’ Ranjit pleaded, ‘I’ve got trouble. Every time I get into bed, I think there’s somebody under it. I get under the bed, I think there’s somebody on top of it. Top, under, top, under. You gotta help me, I’m going crazy.’

‘Just put yourself in my hands for two years,’ said Dr O’Hara, the psychiatrist, ‘Come and see me three times a week, and I’ll cure your fears.’

‘How much do you charge?’

‘A hundred dollars per visit.’

‘In that case, I’ll sleep on it,’ answered Ranjit.
Six months later the doctor met Ranjit in the street.
‘Why didn’t you ever come to see me again?’ asked the psychiatrist.

‘For a hundred buck’s a visit? A bartender cured me for ten dollars,’ smiled Ranjit

‘Is that so! How?’

‘He told me to cut the legs off the bed.’

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A dog walks into a bar and says to the bartender, “It’s my birthday. How about a free drink?”

“Sure,” says the barkeep, “the mens’ toilet is on the right.”

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Employed as a dental receptionist, I was on duty when Steve came for wisdom tooth extraction.

I took him into the examining room and made him comfortable in the reclining dental chair.

The dentist then injected a numbing agent around Steve’s tooth, and left the room for a few minutes while the medication took hold.

When the dentist returned, Steve was standing next to a tray of dental equipment, “What are you doing by the surgical instruments?” asked the surprised dentist.

Focused on his task, Steve replied, “I’m taking out the ones I don’t like.”

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Golden Oldie… One afternoon, a woman is getting on a bus with her newborn baby. The bus driver looks at the lady and replies, “My word, Woman, that’s the ugliest baby I have ever seen in my entire life!!!”

The woman, somewhat distraught, proceeds to the back of the bus, where she is questioned by a fellow rider. “Why do you look so down?” asked the man.

The woman begins to tell the man about the bus driver and the rude comment he had made. The man, shocked and bewildered, tells the woman that she shouldn’t stand for that and that she should go and give the bus driver a piece of her mind.

The woman, realizing the man was right, decides she would do just that. As she begins to walk back up the aisle, the man yelled, “Here, let me hold that monkey for you!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Who put the fruit in yogurt? Juan Metzger, a former Dannon Co. executive, is credited with putting fruit in yogurt. Metzger was recognized for suggesting the addition of fruit at the bottom of containers of the dairy product to improve its taste. The first flavor was strawberry. Metzger’s father, Joe, co-founded Dannon Co. in the Bronx in 1942.

~How long have strawberries been cultivated? American Indians were cultivating strawberries in 1643. They crushed the strawberries into a mortar, mixing them with meal to make a strawberry bread.

~How many drops in a teaspoon? It takes 120 drops of water to fill a teaspoon.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “When I took office, only high energy physicists had ever heard of what is called the Worldwide Web. Now even my cat has its own page.” – Bill Clinton

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . If you explore beneath shyness or party chit-chat, you can sometimes turn a dull exchange into an intriguing one. I’ve found this to be particularly true in the case of professors or intellectuals, who are full of fascinating information, but need encouragement before they’ll divulge it. – Joyce Carol Oates