Humor for September 20, 2017

Evil is obvious only in retrospect. – Gloria Steinem, Outrageous Acts and Everyday Rebellions

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 20th – WEDNESDAY

263rd day of 2017 with 102 days to follow. New moon with 1% visible.

Holidays for Today:
~ National Punch Day
~ National Rum Punch Day
~ Better Breakfast Month
~ Classical Music Month
~ National Mushroom Month
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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1878 Upton Sinclair, Baltimore, Maryland, author (The Jungle, Lanny Budd series)
  • 1929 Anne Meara, Brooklyn, New York, comedian/actress (Stiller & Meara, Archie’s Place) (mother of Ben and Amy Stiller)
  • 1934 Sophia Loren, Rome, Italy, actress (Desire Under the Elms, Black Orchid, Fantastic Voyage, Grumpier Old Men)
  • 1947 Jude Devereaux, Fairdale, Kentucky, author (historical romances: Where the Heart Roams, Heartwishes, Moonlight Masquerade)
  • 1948 George R. R. Martin, Bayonne, New Jersey, author (A Song of Ice and Fire series of epic fantasy novels, adapted for Game of Thrones HBO series)
  • 1956 Gary Cole, Park Ridge, Illinois, actor (Fatal Vision, Entourage, Line of Fire, The West Wing, Kim Possible, I Spy, Brady Bunch movies, Veep, Mercy Street)
  • 1967 Kristen Johnston, Washington, D.C., actress (3rd Rock from the Sun, The Flintstones in Viva Rock Vegas, The Exes, Daytime Divas)
  • 1975 Moon Bloodgood, Anaheim, California, actress (Terminator Salvation, Falling Skies)
  • 1976 Jon Bernthal, Washington, D.C., actor (Eastwick, The Walking Dead, Mob City, Daredevil)
  • 1986 Aldis Hodge, North Carolina, actor (A.T.O.M., Red Sands, Leverage, Underground)
  • 1991 Spencer Locke, Winter Park, Florida, actress (Ned’s Declassified School Survival Guide, Resident Evil: Afterlife, Cougar Town, Tarzan 2013)
  • 1995 Sammi Hanratty, Scottsdale, Arizona, actress (Pushing Daisies, Salem, The Saint)

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Some people make headlines while others make history. – Philip Elmer-DeWitt

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1519 Ferdinand Magellan sets sail from Sanlúcar de Barrameda with about 270 men on his expedition to circumnavigate the globe.
  • 1633 Galileo Galilei is tried before the Congregation for the Doctrine of the Faith for teaching that the Earth orbits the sun.
  • 1881 Chester A. Arthur is inaugurated as the 21st President of the United States following the assassination of James Garfield.
  • 1891 The first gasoline-powered car debuts in Springfield, Massachusetts, United States.
  • 1968 Mickey Mantle hits final career homer # 536.
  • 1973 Billy Jean King beats Bobby Riggs in battle-of-sexes tennis match.
  • 1979 Lee Iacocca is elected president of the Chrysler Corporation.
  • 1984 Suicide car bomb attacks US Embassy annex in Beirut, killing 12 people.
  • 2001 In an address to a joint session of Congress and the American people, U.S. President George W. Bush declares a “war on terror”.
  • 2011  The United States ends its “Don’t Ask, Don’t Tell” policy, allowing gay men and women to serve openly for the first time.

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The trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order with the new waitress.

He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.”

The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs, sunny side up; and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, okay!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

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A lawyer’s wife dies. At the cemetery, people are appalled to see that the tombstone reads, “Here lies Phyllis, wife of Murray, L.L.D., Wills, Divorce, Malpractice.”

Suddenly, Murray bursts into tears. His brother says, “You should cry, pulling a stunt like this!”

Through his tears, Murray croaks, “You don’t understand! They left out the phone number!”
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Would you like to join …

The Yoko club?
Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
Pardon me?

The Arafat club?
Yessir.

The Ebert movie club?
Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
Noh.

The quarterback club?
I’ll pass.

The compulsive rhymers club?
Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?
Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
Sure.

The procrastinators club?
Maybe next week.

The Self-Esteem Builders?
No – they probably wouldn’t accept me anyway.

The Agoraphobics Society?
Only if they meet at my house.

The Co-Dependence Club?
Can I bring a friend?

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A seriously drunk guy walked into a bar and, after staring for some time at the only woman seated at the bar, walked over to her and kissed her. She jumped up and slapped him silly. He immediately apologized and explained, “I’m sorry. I thought you were my wife. You look exactly like her.”

“Why you worthless, insufferable, wretched, no good drunk!” she screamed.

“Funny,” he muttered, “you even sound exactly like her.”

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pic of the day: Storm at Beach


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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

What do you call a fish with no eyes? A fsh.

A jump-start cable walks into a bar. The bartender says, “I’ll serve you, but don’t start anything.

“Doc, I can’t stop singing ‘The Green, Green Grass of Home.'”
“That sounds like Tom Jones Syndrome.”
“Is it common?”
“Well, It’s Not Unusual.

The invisible man marries the invisible woman. The kids were nothing to look at either.

I went to a seafood disco last week and pulled a mussel.

I went to buy some camouflage trousers the other day but I couldn’t find any.

Deja Moo: The feeling that you’ve heard this bull before.

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The airplane’s pilot came on the PA to make an announcement to the passengers: “This is your captain speaking. We have lost one engine and we will be 20 minutes late landing.”

A bit later: “This is your captain speaking again. We have lost another engine and we will be 40 minutes late landing.”

A bit later still – and in a somewhat agitated voice: “This is your captain speaking again. We have lost another engine and we will be an hour late landing.”

One passenger said to another passenger, “I hope we don’t lose the last engine or we’ll be up here all night.”

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I just read that last year 4,153,237 people got married.
I don’t want to start any trouble, but shouldn’t that be an even number?

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As the coals from our barbecue burned down, our hosts passed out marshmallows and long roasting forks.

Just then, two fire trucks roared by, sirens blaring, lights flashing. They stopped at a house right down the block. All twelve of us raced out of the back yard and down the street, where we found the owners of the blazing house standing by helplessly. They glared at us with looks of disgust.

Suddenly we realized why: we were all still holding our roasting forks with marshmallows on them.

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Three old men went into the pro shop after playing 18 holes of golf.

The pro asked, “Did you guys have a good game today?”

The first old guy said, ” I had the most riders ever. I had five.”

The second old guy said, “I had 7 riders, the same as last time.”

The last old man said, “I beat my old record. I had 12 riders today.”

After they went into the locker room, another golfer who had heard the old guys talking about their game went to the pro and said, “I’ve been playing golf for a long time and thought I knew all the terminology of the game, but
what’s a rider?”

The pro said, “A rider is when you hit the ball far enough to actually get in the golf cart and ride to it.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What was Ellis Island used for during the war? During World War II, Ellis Island in New York Harbor was a detention center for illegal or criminal aliens already in the United States. The Coast Guard also trained recruits there. Following the war, fewer people were detained and the facility was closed in 1954. New Jersey has sovereignty over most of Ellis Island.

~What made Jannene’s marriage so unusual? In 1976, a Los Angeles secretary named Jannene Swift officially married a 50-pound rock. The ceremony was witnessed by more than twenty people.

~What was Lizzie accused of? According to poetic legend, Lizzie Borden used her ax and gave her mother 40 whacks and her father 41. In actuality, the police accused her of giving her father 10 whacks and her stepmom 19. Lizzie was acquitted at her trial of the double murder.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Yesterday is a memory, tomorrow but a dream. Rejoice! And enjoy today.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . Never put off until tomorrow what you can do today, because if you enjoy it today, you can do it again tomorrow.