Jokes and Trivia for March 11, 2013

Life is very short and what we have to do must be done in the now. – Audre Lorde

TODAY – MARCH 11th – MONDAY

Holidays for Today:

*Johnny Appleseed Day

*Worship of Tools Day

*Oatmeal Nut Waffles Day

*National Irish American Heritage Month

*National Peanut Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1903 Lawrence Welk, Strasburg, North Dakota, musician (The Lawerence Welk Show)
  • 1915 J. C. R. Licklider, Arlington, Massachusetts, computer scientist (computing’s “Johnny Appleseed,” considered one of most important persons in computer science & history, one of first to foretell modern-style interactive computing)
  • 1916 Ezra Jack Keats, Brooklyn, New York, author (The Snowy Day; best known for introducing multiculturalism into mainstream children’s books)
  • 1920 Nicolaas Bloembergen, Dutch-American physicist (Nobel / spectroscopic studies of the interaction of electromagnetic radiation with matter, pioneering use of lasers)
  • 1932 Leroy Jenkins, Chicago, Illinois, composer and Avant-garde jazz violinist (The Mother of Three Sons, Fresh Faust, The Negros Burial Ground)
  • 1934 Sam Donaldson, El Paso, Texas, journalist (reporter, news anchor for ABC News, This Week)
  • 1936 Antonin Scalia, Trenton, New Jersey, jurist (Associate Justice of the Supreme Court of the United States)
  • 1952 Douglas Adams, English author (The Hitchhiker’s Guide to The Galaxy, Dirk Gently’s Holistic Detective Agency, The Long Dark Tea-Time of the Soul)
  • 1956 Rob Paulsen, Detroit, Michigan, voice actor (Raphael in Teenage Mutant Ninja Turtles, Pinky from Pinky and the Brain, Dr. Otto Scratchansniff from Animaniacs; done over 250 characters)
  • 1958 Jim Pinkerton, American columnist and author; political analyst (Newsday, Fox News Watch, The Huffington Post)
  • 1962 Jeffrey Nordling, Ridgewood, New Jersey, actor (Once and Again, 24, Desperate Housewives, Body of Proof)
  • 1964 Libba Bray, Montgomery, Alabama, author (Gemma Doyle Trilogy, Going Bovine, The Diviners)
  • 1965 Wallace Langham, Fort Worth, Texas, actor (Weird Science, The Invisible Kid, Daddy Day Care, Little Miss Sunshine, The Social Network, David Hodges on CSI)
  • 1969 Terrence Howard, Chicago, Illinois, actor (Winnie, Ray, Four Brothers, Idlewild, The Brave One, Iron Man)
  • 1974 Kate Brian, Montvale, New Jersey, author (The Princess and the Pauper, Sweet 16, Fake Boyfriend, Private series)
  • 1978 Christopher Rice, Berkeley, California, author (A Density of Souls, The Snow Garden, Blind Fall, The Moonlit Earth)
  • 1981 David Anders, Grants Pass, Oregon, actor (Julian Sark on Alias, Adam Monroe on Heroes)
  • 1982 Thora Birch, Los Angeles, California, actress (Purple People Eater, Patriot Games, Hocus Pocus, Alaska, American Beauty, Ghost World)
  • 1984 Rob Brown, Harlem, New York, actor (Finding Forrester, Coach Carter, The Express, Treme)

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There are two ways of living: a man may be casual and simply exist, or constructively and deliberately try to do so. The constructive idea implies a constructiveness not only about one’s own life, but about that of society, and the future possibilities of mankind. – Sir Julian Huxley

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  •   105 Ts’ai Lun invented paper, made from bamboo, mulberry, and other fibers, along with fish nets and rags.
  • 1702 England’s first national daily newspaper, The Daily Courant, is published for the first time.
  • 1791 Samuel Mulliken became the first person to receive more than one U.S. patent (threshing macine, breaking hemp, cutting & polishing marble, rasing nap on cloth)
  • 1824 The Bureau of Indian Affairs is created by the United States Department of War.
  • 1861 The Constitution of the Confederate States of America is adopted by the south during the American Civil War.
  • 1888 The Great Blizzard of 1888 begins along the eastern seaboard of the United States,killing more than 400 and  shutting down commerce.
  • 1916 USS Nevada (BB-36) is commissioned.
  • 1918 First cases of “Spanish Influenza” in the U.S. were reported, an epidemic that eventually killed over 600,000 people in the U.S., and 40 million people worldwide.
  • 1960 In one of the first in-depth attempts to study the solar system Pioneer V was launched from Cape Canaveral, Florida, on a Thor-Able three stage rocket.
  • 1985 Mikhail Gorbachev becomes General Secretary of the Communist Party of the Soviet Union.
  • 1990 Lithuania declares itself independent from the Soviet Union.
  • 1993 Janet Reno becomes the first female Attorney General of the United States after she is confirmed by the United States Senate and sworn in the next day.
  • 2007 Daylight Saving Time begins three weeks earlier than in previous years in the U.S., being reset by Congress in the Energy Policy Act of 2005. DST was first introduced in the U.S., On 31 Mar 1918. The concept was introduced earlier in Great Britain during WWI as a coal-conserving measure.
  • 2011 An earthquake measuring 9.0 in magnitude strikes 130 km (81 mi) east of Sendai, Japan, triggering a tsunami killing thousands of people and triggering the second largest nuclear accident in history, and one of only two events to be classified as a Level 7 on the International Nuclear Event Scale.

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“Oh, master…tell me of fate.”

“Ah, my son…it is what has brought great nations together. It has made the world a smaller place in which to live. It has inspired men of worth to work endless hours.  It will some day enable men to span the universe and light years of travel will soon become mere seconds in time.”

“And that, my master, is fate?”

“Oh, FATE! I thought you said FREIGHT.”

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Call to computer technical support rep:

Customer: I’m trying to connect to the Internet with your CD, but it just doesn’t work. What am I doing wrong?

Tech support: OK, you’ve got the CD in the CD drive, right?
Customer: Yeah….

Tech support: And what sort of computer are you using?

Customer: Computer? Oh no, I haven’t got a computer. It’s in the CD player and all I get is weird noises. Listen…..

Tech support: Aaaarrrrgggghhhh!!!

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ONE-LINERS:

~If the cops arrest a mute, do they tell him he has the right to remain silent?

~If a book about failures doesn’t sell, is it a success?

~Hermits have no peer group pressure.

~Why are cigarettes sold in gas stations when smoking is prohibited there?

~Why in a country of free speech, why are there ‘phone bills?

~Can you be a closet claustrophobic?

~Why is it that kamikaze pilots wore helmets?

~Why do you need a driver’s license to buy alcohol when you can’t drink and drive?

~If 7-11 is open 24 hours a day, 365 days a year, why are there locks on the doors?

~Why do they put Braille dots on the keypad of the drive-up ATM?

~Why do we drive on parkways and park on driveways?

~What is the speed of dark?

~If white wine goes with fish, do white grapes go with sushi?

~When sign makers go on strike, what is written on their picket signs?

~Why do we play in recitals and recite in plays?

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pic of the day: Holly & Snow

picture of holly with snow

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Two cannibals fought o’er a treat,
A settler who’d died in the heat.
The one who would win
Got the head to the shin,
While the loser accepted de feet.

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Claire, after retiring from a busy life in business, travels around the country visiting antique shops trying to find bargains.

One day she goes to an antique shop in Stratford upon Avon, England. Here, Claire speaks to Victoria, the shop’s owner, ‘When I was in here last week I saw a big mug with a flat head that holds a lot of beer. I’d like to buy it.’

‘Sorry,’ replied Victoria, ‘but I can’t possibly sell you that.’
‘Oh, what a pity, but why not?’ inquired Claire.

‘Because,’ said the owner, ‘that’s my husband.’

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While working as a radiology technician in a hospital emergency room, I took some X-rays of a trauma patient and took the results to the senior radiologist, who studied the multiple fractures of the femurs and pelvis.

‘What on earth happened to this patient?’ he asked in astonishment.

‘He fell out of a tree,’ according to the report.

The radiologist wanted to know what the patient was doing up a tree.

‘I’m not sure, but his paperwork states he works for Mark’s Expert Tree Pruning Service.’

Gazing intently at the X-rays, the radiologist blinked and said, ‘Cross out ‘expert.’

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Are you Mr. Or Mrs. Peanut Lover?

~ In 2006 Boiled Peanuts were chosen as the Official Snack Food of South.

~Peanuts originated in South America — cultivated by Indians for at least 2000 years.

~The Incans of Peru used peanuts as sacrificial offerings and entombed them with their mummies to aid in the spirit life in as early as 1500 B.C.

~ The two most popular are the — Virginia and the Spanish peanut.

~Dr. Carver is considered “The Father of the Peanut Industry” because of his extensive research on peanuts.

~Adrian Finch of Australia holds the Guinness World Record for peanut throwing, launching a peanut 111 feet and 10 inches in 1999 to claim the record.

~20% of the world’s peanut production is used in candy.

~ Thomas Jefferson and Jimmy Carter – Two peanut farmers have been elected President of the United States:

~Mr. Peanut was created by 13 year-old Antonio Gentile in a logo contest held by Planters in 1916.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Anything not worth doing is worth not doing well. Think about it. – Elias Schwartz

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Live in each season as it passes; breathe the air, drink the drink, taste the fruit, and resign yourself to the influences of each. – Henry David Thoreau