Jokes and Trivia for November 20, 2012

Life is a grindstone. Whether it grinds us down or polishes us up depends on you. – L. Thomas Holdcroft

TODAY – November 20th – TUESDAY

325th day of 2012 with 25 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Absurdity Day

*Beautiful Day

*Universal Children’s Day

*National Peanut Butter Fudge Day

*Beaujolais Nouveau Day (3rd Tuesday of November)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1620 Peregrine White, first English child born in the Plymouth Colony
  • 1889 Edwin Hubble, Marshfield, Missouri, astronomer (helped establish extragalactic astronomy, one of the most important observational cosmologists of 20th century)
  • 1892 James Collip, Belleville, Ontario,  biochemist (co-discoverer of insulin)
  • 1900 Chester Gould, Pawnee, Oklahoma, comic strip artist  (Dick Tracy)
  • 1908 Alistair Cooke, British-born journalist (host of PBS Masterpiece Theater 1971-1992; Letter from America)
  • 1910 Willem Jacob van Stockum, Dutch physicist (contribution to the early development of general relativity)
  • 1923 Nadine Gordimer, Springs, Gauteng, Union of South Africa, writer, been of very great benefit to humanity
  • 1924 Benoît Mandelbrot, Warsaw, Poland, Polish-born French mathematician (coined the term fractal and described the Mandelbrot set)
  • 1925 Robert F. Kennedy, Brookline, Massachusetts, politician & civil rights activist, liberal icon
  • 1932 Richard Dawson, English-American actor and game show host (Hogan’s Heroes, McCloud, Match Game, Family Feud)
  • 1939 Dick Smothers, New York City, New York, comedian (half of the musical comedy team the Smothers Brothers)
  • 1940 Bob Einstein, Los Angeles, California, actor and comedian (Super Dave Osborne)
  • 1943 Veronica Hamel, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania,  actress (Beyond the Poseidon Adventure, When Time Ran Out)
  • 1948 Richard Masur, New York City, New York, actor (Heaven’s Gate, Fallen Angel, The Thing, Rent-A-Cop, Encino Man), on Corporate Board of the Motion Picture & Television Fund
  • 1956 Bo Derek, Long Beach, California, actress (10, Orca, Bolero, Tommy Boy)
  • 1959 Sean Young, Louisville, Kentucky, actress (Blade Runner, Dune, and No Way Out )
  • 1965 Mike D, New York City, musician (Beastie Boys)
  • 1970 Sabrina Lloyd, Fairfax, Virginia,  actress (Sports Night )
  • 1977 Josh Turner, Hannah, South Carolina, American singer

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The game of life is not so much in holding a good hand as playing a poor hand well. – H.T. Leslie

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1789 New Jersey becomes the first U.S. state to ratify the Bill of Rights.
  • 1820 An 80-ton sperm whale attacks the Essex (a whaling ship from Nantucket, Massachusetts) 2,000 miles from the western coast of South America (Herman Melville’s 1851 novel Moby-Dick is in part inspired by this story).
  • 1974 The United States Department of Justice files its final anti-trust suit against AT&T Corporation. This suit later leads to the breakup of AT&T and its Bell System.
  • 1985 Microsoft Windows 1.0 is released.
  • 1989 Velvet Revolution: The number of protesters assembled in Prague, Czechoslovakia swells from 200,000 the day before to an estimated half-million.
  • 1993 Savings and loan crisis: The United States Senate Ethics Committee issues a stern censure of California senator Alan Cranston for his “dealings” with savings-and-loan executive Charles Keating.
  • 1994 The Angolan government and UNITA rebels sign the Lusaka Protocol in Zambia, ending 19 years of civil war (localized fighting resumes the next year).
  • 1998 A court in Taliban-controlled Afghanistan declares accused terrorist Osama bin Laden “a man without a sin” in regard to the 1998 U.S. embassy bombings in Kenya and Tanzania.
  • 1998 The first module of the International Space Station, Zarya, is launched.
  • 2001 In Washington, D.C., U.S. President George W. Bush dedicates the United States Department of Justice headquarters building as the Robert F. Kennedy Justice Building, honoring the late Robert F. Kennedy on what would have been his 76th birthday.
  • 2003 After the November 15 bombings, a second day of the 2003 Istanbul Bombings occurs in Istanbul, Turkey, destroying the Turkish head office of HSBC Bank AS and the British consulate.
  • 2008 After critical failures in the US financial system began to build up after mid-September, the Dow Jones Industrial Average reaches its lowest level since 1997.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A woman walks into a convenience store. She walks straight to the manager and asks, “Do you have any small notebooks?”

“Sorry,” says the manager. “We’re all out.”

The woman shrugs, and asks, “Well, do you have any mechanical pencils?”

“Nope, don’t have that either,” says the manager.

The woman feels her stomach rumbling and asks, “Do you have Doritos? Nachos?”

The manager shrugs, “Sorry.”

“Hmmph. How about Chapstick?” says the woman.

“Nope. Don’t have that.”

“My Gosh!” the woman shouts, “If you don’t have anything, you should close the darn store!”

The manager shrugs, “Don’t have the key.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. “Get the owner’s manual!” her husband shouted.

“I can’t find it anywhere!” she cried, searching through the box.

“Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual is burnt to a crisp.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: FUN THINGS TO DO DURING BORING SERMONS

~ Pass a note to the organist asking whether he/she plays requests.

~ See if a yawn really is contagious.

~ Slap your neighbor. See if they turn the other cheek. If not, raise your hand and tell the preacher.

~ Devise ways of climbing into the balcony without using the stairs.

~ Listen for your preacher to use a word beginning with ‘A’ then ‘B and so on through the alphabet.

~ Sit in the back row and roll a handful of marbles under the pews ahead of you. After the service, credit yourself with 10 points for every marble that made it to the front.

~ Using church bulletins or visitor cards for raw materials, design, test and modify a collection of paper airplanes.

~ Start from the back of the church and try to crawl all the way to the front, under the pews, without being noticed.

~ Raise your hand and ask for permission to go to the rest room.

~ Whip out a hankie and blow your nose. Vary the pressure exerted on your nostrils and trumpet out a rendition of your favorite hymn.

~ Chew gum; if the sermon goes on for more than 15 minutes, start blowing bubbles.

~ Try to indicate to the minister that his fly is undone.

~ By unobtrusively drawing your arms up into your sleeves, turn your shirt around backwards.

~ While people are locating the announced congregational song, step out in the aisle and begin waving your arms as if directing the hymn.

~ Sit close to the front, and during the prayer, turn around backwards, point, and count softly how many people do not have their heads bowed and eyes closed.

~ See how many hard candies you can stuff in your cheeks before your mother catches you.

~ Begin coughing and get louder and louder until you get to excuse yourself and leave the room.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Opossum

picture of opossum

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Niall and Ethan are two young lads from Shannon and they are lost in the Sahara desert. They’re only desperate for water, but just as they think they’re about to die, they chance upon an oasis where market day appears to be in full swing.

They go to the first stall they see, and Niall asks if they can buy some water.

“No,” replies the Bedouin stall owner, “I only sell fruit. Try the next stall.”

So off they stagger to the next stall and this time Ethan asks for some water.

“Sorry,” says the merchant, “But I only sell custard.”
“Custard! Custard?” splutter the two.

Niall turns to Ethan and shouts angrily, “What kind of crazy place is this?”

By now totally desperate, they go to the next stall, only to be told, “Sorry, but I only sell jelly.”

Hearing this, Ethan says to Niall and speaks through clenched teeth, “Bejabbers, Niall – this is a trifle bazaar.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

This truck driver hauling a tractor-trailer load of computers stops for a beer. As he approaches the bar he sees a big sign on the door saying “Nerds Not Allowed – Enter At Your Own Risk!” He goes in and sits down.

The bartender comes over to him, sniffs, says, “You smell kind of nerdy. What do you do for a living?”

The truck driver says, “I drive a truck, and the smell is just from the computers I am hauling.”

The bartender says, “Okay, truck drivers are not nerds.” and serves him a beer. As he is sipping his beer, a skinny guy walks in with tape around his glasses, a pocket protector with twelve kinds of pens and pencils, and a belt at least a foot too long. The bartender, without saying a word, pulls out a shotgun and blows the guy away.

The truck driver said, totally shocked, “Why did you do that?”

The bartender said, “Not to worry, the nerds are overpopulating Silicon Valley and are in season now. You don’t even need a license.”

The truck driver finishes his beer, gets back in his truck, and heads back onto the freeway. Suddenly he veers to avoid an accident, and the load shifts. The back door breaks open and computers spill out all over the freeway. He jumps out and sees a crowd already forming, grabbing up the computers. They are all engineers, accountants and programmers wearing the nerdiest clothes he has ever seen.

He can’t let them steal his whole load. So, remembering what happened in the bar, he pulls out his gun and starts blasting away, felling several of them instantly. A highway patrol officer comes zooming up and jumps out of the car screaming at him to stop.

The truck driver said, “What’s wrong? I thought nerds were in season.”

“Well, sure,” said the patrolman. “But you can’t bait ’em.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

On opening his new store, a man received a bouquet of flowers. He became dismayed on reading the enclosed card, that it expressed “Deepest Sympathy”.

While puzzling over the message, his telephone rang. It was the florist, apologizing for having sent the wrong card.

“Oh, it’s alright.” said the storekeeper. “I’m a businessman and I understand how these things can happen.”

“But,” added the florist, “I accidentally sent your card to a funeral party.”

“Well, what did it say?” ask the storekeeper.

“‘Congratulations on your new location’.” was the reply.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: Yummy Peanuts are for everyone!

~Peanuts and peanut butter are naturally cholesterol-free.

~Eating peanuts, peanut butter and nuts five or more times per week can cut heart disease risk by up to 50% based on a number of large population studies.

~Current research indicates that many of the minerals found in peanuts – copper, phosphorous, magnesium, iron, potassium, selenium, zinc and calcium – may have a protective effect for coronary heart disease.

~Half of the top 10 selling candy bars in the U.S. contain peanuts or peanut butter.

~Peanuts are the #1 snack nut consumed in the U.S., accounting for 2/3 of the snack nut market.

~Dr. George Washington Carver, research scientist at Tuskegee Institute in Alabama, found over 300, thus has been called the “peanut wizard” and the “father of the modern peanut industry”.

~The major peanut producing states are: Georgia, Texas, Alabama, North Carolina, Florida, Oklahoma, Virginia, New Mexico and South Carolina.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

QUIP OF THE DAY: Great men are rarely isolated mountain peaks; they are the summits of ranges – Thomas W. Higginson.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

We must be willing to let go of the life we have planned so as to have the life that is waiting for us.