Jokes and Trivia for March 25, 2013

We don’t live as we wish, but as we can. – Terence

TODAY – MARCH 25th – MONDAY

84th day of 2013 with 16 to 281 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Pecan Day

*Waffle Day

*Seward’s Day (last Monday in March)

*Maryland Day (legal holiday in Maryland)

*Tolkien Reading Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1867 Arturo Toscanini, Italian conductor (first director of NBC Symphony Orchestra 1937-54)
  • 1884 Georges Imbert, Niederstinzel, Lorraine, Alsatian chemist (developed the wood gas generator for the automobile that was commonly used in Europe)
  • 1918 Howard Cosell, Winston-Salem, North Carolina, sports reporter
  • 1920 Patrick Troughton, English actor (2nd Dr. Who 1966-1969)
  • 1923 Bonnie Guitar, Seattle, Washington,  singer (Dark Moon)
  • 1925 Flannery O’Connor, Savannah, Georgia, author (Wise Blood, The Complete Stories)
  • 1928 Jim Lovell, Cleveland, Ohio, NASA astronaut (Gemini 7, Gemini 12, Apollo 8, Apollo 13)
  • 1934 Gloria Steinem, Toledo, Ohio, feminist and publisher
  • 1934 Johnny Burnette, Memphis, Tennessee,  singer (The Rock and Roll Trio)
  • 1937 Tom Monaghan, Ann Arbor, Michigan,  businessman, founded Domino’s Pizza
  • 1942 Aretha Franklin, Memphis, Tennessee, singer
  • 1946 Stephen Hunter, Kansas City, Missouri, author (Bob Lee Swagger series, Soft Target)
  • 1947 Elton John, English singer and songwriter
  • 1958 James McDaniel, Washington, D.C., actor (NYPD Blue )
  • 1965 Sarah Jessica Parker, Nelsonville, Ohio, actress (Sex and the City)
  • 1984 Katharine McPhee, Los Angeles,  singer and actress, one of the lead actresses on Smash  (American Idol in 2006 )
  • 1988 Big Sean, Santa Monica, California,  rapper, signed with Kanye West’s GOOD Music in 2007
  • 1999 Tatum McCann, Riverside, California,  actress (NYPD Blue)

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Forgiveness does not change the past, but it does enlarge the future. – Paul Boese

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1584 Sir Walter Raleigh is granted a patent to colonize Virginia.
  • 1634 The first settlers arrive in Maryland.
  • 1655 Saturn’s largest moon, Titan, is discovered by Christiaan Huygens.
  • 1802 The Treaty of Amiens is signed as a “Definitive Treaty of Peace” between France and the United Kingdom.
  • 1807 The Slave Trade Act becomes law, abolishing the slave trade in the British Empire.
  • 1807 The Swansea and Mumbles Railway, then known as the Oystermouth Railway, becomes the first passenger carrying railway in the world.
  • 1811 Percy Bysshe Shelley is expelled from the University of Oxford for publishing the pamphlet The Necessity of Atheism.
  • 1821 (Julian Calendar) Traditional date of the start of the Greek War of Independence. The war had actually began since 23 February 1821. The date was chosen in the early years of the Greek state so that it falls on the day of the Annunciation of the Blessed Virgin Mary, strengthening the ties between the Greek Orthodox Church and the newly-found state.
  • 1865 American Civil War: In Virginia, Confederate forces temporarily capture Fort Stedman from the Union.
  • 1894 Coxey’s Army, the first significant American protest march, departs Massillon, Ohio for Washington D.C.
  • 1911 In New York City, the Triangle Shirtwaist Factory fire kills 146 garment workers.
  • 1917 The Georgian Orthodox Church restores its autocephaly abolished by Imperial Russia in 1811.
  • 1947 An explosion in a coal mine in Centralia, Illinois kills 111.
  • 1948 The first successful tornado forecast predicts that a tornado will strike Tinker Air Force Base, Oklahoma.
  • 1957 United States Customs seizes copies of Allen Ginsberg’s poem “Howl” on the grounds of obscenity.
  • 1969 During their honeymoon, John Lennon and Yoko Ono hold their first Bed-In for Peace at the Amsterdam Hilton Hotel (until March 31).
  • 1990 The Happy Land fire was an arson fire that kills 87 people trapped inside an illegal nightclub in the New York City borough of The Bronx.

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The road by my house was in bad condition. Every day I dodged potholes on the way to work, so I was relieved to see a construction crew working on the road one morning.

Later, on my way home, I noticed the men were gone and no improvement in the road. But where the crew had been working stood a new, bright-yellow sign with the words “Rough Road.”

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Squirrels had overrun three churches in town. After much prayer, the elders of the first church determined that the animals were predestined to be there. “Who are we to interfere with God’s will?” they reasoned. Soon, the squirrels multiplied.

The elders of the second church, deciding that they could not harm any of God’s creatures, humanely trapped the squirrels and set them free outside of town. Three days later, the squirrels were back.

It was only the third church that succeeded in keeping the pests away. The elders baptized the squirrels and registered them as members of the church. Now they only see them on Christmas and Easter.

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ONE-LINERS: Reasons Why The English Language Is Hard To Learn

– The bandage was wound around the wound.

– The farm was used to produce produce.

– The dump was so full that it had to refuse more refuse.

– We must polish the Polish furniture.

– He could lead if he would get the lead out.

– The soldier decided to desert his dessert in the desert.

– Since there is no time like the present, he thought it was time to present the present.

– A bass was painted on the head of the bass drum.

– When shot at, the dove dove into the bushes.

– I did not object to the object.

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pic of the day: In honor of Tolkien Day… Lothlorien

loth-tolk

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

As I sat at the bar waiting for the bartender to serve me, the guy next to me said to the bartender, “I’ll have another Waterloo.”

The bartender delivered a tall ice cold drink, then he asked me what I wanted. I’d never heard of a “Waterloo” but I was very thirsty and the other guy’s drink looked very good, so I said “I’ll have a Waterloo.”

The bartender gave me a tall ice cold drink. I took a big drink and said, “Hey! This drink is so weak it tastes just like water!”

The other guy looked at the bartender and said, “What did he expect? It *is* water. Right, Lou?”

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A young man called directory assistance. “Hello, operator, I would like the telephone number for Mary Jones in Phoenix, Arizona.”

“There are multiple listings for Mary Jones in Phoenix,” the operator replied. “Do you have a street name?”

The young man hesitated, and then said, “Well, most people call me Ice Man.”

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A very successful businessman had a meeting with his new son-in-law. “I love my daughter, and now I welcome you into the family,” said the man. “To show you how much we care for you, I am making you a 50-50 partner in my business. All you have to do is go to the factory every day and learn the operations.”

The son-in-law interrupted. “I hate factories. I can’t stand the noise.” “I see,” replied the father-in-law.

“Well then you’ll work in the office and take charge of some of the operations.”

“I hate office work,” said the son-on-law. “I can’t stand being stuck behind a desk all day.”

“Wait a minute,” said the father-in-law. “I just made you a half-owner of a profitable corporation, but you don’t like factories and won’t work in a office. What am I going to do with you?”

“Easy,” said the young man. “Buy me out.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Pecans

~It would take 97,812,000 Pecan pies to circle the earth!

~Every Pecan pie uses 1/2 lb- 3/4 lb of Pecans.

~Pecans are the only tree nut that is truly native to the United States.

~Georgia has been the top Pecan producing state in the nation since the late 1800s.

~Pecans are one of the largest fruit-bearing trees. One irrigated, managed acre of Pecan trees will produce about 1,000 pounds of Pecans.

~Pecans are one of America’s favorite nuts and are a good source of oleic acid, Vitamin B1 – Thiamin, magnesium, protein, and fiber.

~In 1992 Loma Linda University in California found that people who ate nuts at least 5 times a week had about half the rate of heart disease as people who never ate nuts.

~The South Carolina Pecan Festival in Florence County was designated as the Official Pecan Festival of South Carolina in 2011.

~The Official State Nut of Alabama is the Pecan (1982).

~Okmulgee, Oklahoma, holds the world’s record for largest pecan pie, pecan cookie, and pecan brownie.

~Pecan wood is used in agricultural implements, baseball bats, hammer handles, furniture, wall paneling, flooring, religious carvings, and firewood.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Seventy percent of success in life is showing up. – Woody Allen

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Forgiveness is the most powerful thing you can do for yourself. If you can?t learn to forgive, You can forget about achieving true success in your life. – Dr. Dyer