Jokes and Trivia for February 11, 2013

Everything is beautiful, but not everyone sees it. – Confucius

TODAY – FEBRUARY 11th – MONDAY

42nd day of 2013 with 323 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Clean out Your Computer Day – second Monday of Month

*National Inventors’ Day

*Don’t Cry over Spilled Milk Day

*Make a Friend Day

*White T-Shirt Day

*Peppermint Patty Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1657 Bernard le Bovier de Fontenelle, Rouen, France, scientist and man of letters (lunar crater Fontenelle was named after him)
  • 1847 Thomas Alva Edison, Milan, Ohio, inventor , developed many devices that greatly influenced life around the world, including the phonograph, the motion picture camera, and a long-lasting, practical electric light bulb
  • 1926 Leslie Nielsen, Canadian actor (Forbidden Planet, The Poseidon Adventure, The Naked Gun)
  • 1936 Burt Reynolds, Lansing, MI, actor (Boogie Nights )
  • 1939 Jane Yolen, New York City, New York, author (Commander Toad series, Owl Moon, Sister Emily’s Lightship, Lost Girls, White Jenna, Sister Light Sister Dark)
  • 1941 Sergio Mendes, Brazilian musician (bossa nova, jazz & funk)
  • 1953 Jeb Bush, Midland, Texas, politician and 43rd Governor of Florida
  • 1959 Bradley Cole, Los Angeles, California, actor (General Hospital )
  • 1960 Richard Mastracchio, Waterbury, Connecticut, engineer and NASA astronaut (STS-106, STS-118, STS-131)
  • 1962 Sheryl Crow, Kennett, Missouri, musician (9 Grammy Awards)
  • 1964 Sarah Palin, Sandpoint, Idaho, politician and 9th Governor of Alaska, author (Going Rogue), host Sarah Palin’s Alaska
  • 1969 Jennifer Aniston, Sherman Oaks, California, actress (She’s the One Office Space, The Good Girl, Friends with Money)
  • 1972 Craig Jones, Des Moines, Iowa, musician (Slipknot)
  • 1976 Brice Beckham, Long Beach, California, actor (Mr. Belvedere, I Hate My 30’s)
  • 1977 Mike Shinoda, Agoura Hills, California, musician (Linkin Park and Fort Minor)
  • 1979 Brandy, McComb, Mississippi, singer and actress (Cinderella,  I Still Know What You Did Last Summer)
  • 1981 Kelly Rowland, Atlanta, Georgia, singer (Destiny’s Child)
  • 1992 Taylor Lautner, Grand Rapids, Michigan, actor (The Twilight Saga film series )
  • 1994 Dominic Janes, Tucson, Arizona, actor (Crossing Jordan, Out of Jimmy’s Head )

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Good sayings are like pearls strung together. – Chinese Proverb

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 244 Emperor Gordian III is murdered by mutinous soldiers in Zaitha (Mesopotamia). A mound is raised at Carchemish in his memory.
  • 1177 John de Courcy’s Army defeats the native Dunleavey Clan in Ulster. The English have established themselves in Ulster.
  • 1752 Pennsylvania Hospital, the first hospital in the United States, is opened by Benjamin Franklin.
  • 1794 First session of United States Senate open to the public.
  • 1812 Massachusetts governor Elbridge Gerry “gerrymanders” for the first time.
  • 1916 Emma Goldman is arrested for lecturing on birth control.
  • 1953 President Dwight Eisenhower refuses a clemency appeal for Ethel and Julius Rosenberg.
  • 1953 The Soviet Union breaks off diplomatic relations with Israel.
  • 1959 The Federation of Arab Emirates of the South, which will later become South Yemen, is created as a protectorate of the United Kingdom.
  • 1971 Eighty-seven countries, including the US, UK, and USSR, sign the Seabed Treaty outlawing nuclear weapons on the ocean floor in international waters.
  • 1981 100,000 US gallons (380 m3) of radioactive coolant leak into the containment building of TVA Sequoyah 1 nuclear plant in Tennessee, contaminating 8 workers.
  • 1987 The Constitution of the Philippines goes into effect.
  • 1990 Nelson Mandela is released from Victor Verster Prison outside Cape Town, South Africa after 27 years as a political prisoner.
  • 1997 Space Shuttle Discovery is launched on a mission to service the Hubble Space Telescope.
  • 2008 Rebel East Timorese soldiers seriously wound President José Ramos-Horta. Rebel leader Alfredo Reinado is killed in the attack.
  • 2011 The first wave of the Egyptian revolution culminates in the resignation of Hosni Mubarak and the transfer of power to the Supreme Military Council after 18 days of protests.

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Many many years ago
When I was twenty three,
I got married to a widow
Who was pretty as could be.

This widow had a grown-up daughter
Who had hair of red.
My father fell in love with her,
And soon the two were wed.

This made my dad my son-in-law
And changed my very life.
My daughter was my mother,
For she was my father’s wife.

To complicate the matters worse,
Although it brought me joy,
I soon became the father
Of a bouncing baby boy.

My little baby then became
A brother-in-law to dad.
And so became my uncle,
Though it made me very sad.

For if he was my uncle,
Then that also made him brother
To the widow’s grown-up daughter
Who, of course, was my step-mother.

Father’s wife then had a son,
Who kept them on the run.
And he became my grandson,
For he was my daughter’s son.

My wife is now my mother’s mother
And it makes me blue.
Because, although she is my wife,
She’s my grandmother too.

If my wife is my grandmother,
Then I am her grandchild.
And every time I think of it,
It simply drives me wild.

For now I have become
The strangest case you ever saw.
As the husband of my grandmother,
I am my own grandpa!

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I’m  so old that …

… I remember what it was like *before* the good old days.

… I remember when Sarah Palin could have *walked* to Russia from Alaska.

… I knew the First of the Mohicans.

… my first beer was a New Milwaukee.

… when I was a boy Mad Magazine was only slightly peeved.

… undertakers think I’m an escapee.

… Abraham Lincoln’s high school was named after me.

… AARP stopped sending me renewal notices.

…I broke the fountain of youth when I stuck my toe in it.

… I spent my college spring breaks partying in Sodom and Gomorrah.

… *everything* I buy has a lifetime guarantee.

… that’s not hair on my head, it’s mold.

…I remember when the Garden of Eden was just a vacant lot.

… my dreams are sepia toned.

… monkeys evolved from me.

… I creak when I blink.

… my library card says “Alexandria.”

… when I order a three minute egg they ask for the money up front.
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ONE-LINERS:

Q: How long is the average woman in labor?
A: Whatever she says divided by two.

Q: My childbirth instructor says it’s not pain I’ll feel during labor, but pressure. Is she right?
A: Yes, in the same way that a tornado might be called an air current.

Q: When is the best time to get an epidural?
A: Right after you find out you’re pregnant.

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pic of the day: Female Cardinal Bird

 

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

A young woman decides to take a quiet hike in the forest. First thing she encounters is a Nomadic tree. Upon hearing the footsteps approach, the tree senses danger, packs up its trunk and leaves.

Next the woman hears a palm tree saying to another, “Let’s have a date.”

Finally she comes upon a conifer forest, but she couldn’t cedar wood for the trees.

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PARAPROSDOKIAN: A figure of speech in which the latter part of a sentence or phrase is surprising or unexpected; frequently used in a humorous situation.  Winston Churchill is said to have been particularly fond of them.

Do not argue with an idiot. He will drag you down to his level and beat you with experience.

The last thing I want to do is hurt you. But it’s still on the list.

Light travels faster than sound. This is why some people appear bright until you hear them speak.

If I agreed with you, we’d both be wrong.

Men never really grow up, we only learn how to act in public.

War does not determine who is right, only who is left.

Knowledge is knowing a tomato is a fruit. Wisdom is not putting one in a fruit salad.

Evening news is where they begin with ‘Good Evening,’ and then proceed to tell you why it isn’t.

To steal ideas from one person is plagiarism. To steal from many is research.

A bus station is where a bus stops. A train station is where a train stops. On my desk, I have a work station.

I thought I wanted a career. Turns out I just wanted paychecks.

Whenever I fill out an application, in the part that says, ‘In case of emergency, notify:’ I put ‘A GOOD DOCTOR!!’

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ANYWAY…

People are often unreasonable,
illogical and self-centered;
Forgive them anyway.

If you are kind,
People may accuse you
of selfish, ulterior motives;
Be kind anyway.

If you are successful,
you will win some false friends and
some true enemies;
Succeed anyway. People may cheat you;
Be honest and frank anyway.

What you spend years building,
someone could destroy overnight.
Build anyway

If you find serenity and happiness,
they may be jealous.
Be happy anyway.

The good you do today,
people will often forget tomorrow.
Do good anyway.

Give the world the best you have,
and it may never be enough.
Give the world the best you’ve got anyway.

You see, in the final analysis.
it is between you and God;
It is never between you and them anyway.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: All About The Peppermint Patty

~The York Cone Company (York, Pennsylvania) introduced the York Peppermint Pattie in 1940 — by Henry C. Kessler

~York Peppermint Pattie is a dark chocolate enrobed peppermint confection produced by The Hershey Company.

~In 1972, the York Cone Company was acquired by Peter Paul, which launched the York Peppermint Pattie nationally in 1975. And In 1978, Peter Paul merged with Cadbury.

~The York Peppermint Pattie did not become a nationally distributed brand until 1975.

~The York Peppermint Pattie was acquired by Hershey’s in 1998.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Speak not of my debts unless you intend to pay them.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Though no one can go back and make a brand new start, anyone can start from now and make a brand new ending. – Carl Bard