Jokes and Trivia for July 30, 2013

Education is a progressive discovery of our own ignorance. – Will Durant

TODAY – JULY 30th – TUESDAY

211th day of 2013 with 154 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Cheesecake Day

*Father-in-Law Day

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1818 Emily Bronte, British novelist and poet (Wuthering Heights)
  • 1863 Henry Ford, Greenfield Township, Michigan, businessman (founded the Ford Motor Company)
  • 1890 Casey Stengel, Kansas City, Missouri, baseball player and manager (mostly associated with New York Mets)
  • 1922 Henry W. Bloch, Kansas City, Missouri, banker and businessman (co-founder of H&R Block)
  • 1926 Christine McGuire, Middletown, Ohio, singer (The McGuire Sisters)
  • 1940 Sir Clive Sinclair, Richmond, Surrey, entrepreneur and inventor (consumer electronics)
  • 1941 Paul Anka, Canadian-American singer-songwriter (Lonely Boy, Put Your Head On My Shoulder) and actor
  • 1947 Arnold Schwarzenegger, Austrian-American bodybuilder, actor (Predator, Terminator), and politician (38th Governor of California)
  • 1948 Otis Taylor, Chicago, Illinois,  musician
  • 1950 Frank Stallone, New York City, New York,  singer and actor (Rocky Balboa )
  • 1956 Delta Burke, Orlando, Florida, actress (Designing Women, What Women Want)
  • 1961 Laurence Fishburne, Augusta, Georgia, actor (Matrix, What’s Love Got To Do With It, CSI, Deep Cover, The Tuskegee Airmen)
  • 1962 Alton Brown, Los Angeles, California, chef, author, and producer (Good Eats, Iron Chef America)
  • 1964 Vivica A. Fox, South Bend, Indiana,actress (Independence Day, Set It Off, Soul Food, Kill Bill, 1-800-MISSING, 3rd season Dancing with the Stars)
  • 1970 Dean Edwards, The Bronx, New York,  comedian (The Sopranos )
  • 1977 Jaime Pressly, Kinston, North Carolina, actress (Joe Dirt, DOA: Dead or Alive; I Love You, Man; My Name is Earl)
  • 1984 Gabrielle Christian, Washington, D.C.,  actress (Drake & Josh, Windfall, Without a Trace)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

People seldom do what they believe in, they do what is convenient, and then repent. – Bob Dylan

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1733 The first Masonic Grand Lodge in the future United States is constituted in Massachusetts.
  • 1756 In Saint Petersburg, Bartolomeo Rastrelli presents the newly-built Catherine Palace to Empress Elizabeth and her courtiers.
  • 1865 The steamboat Brother Jonathan sinks off the coast of Crescent City, California, killing 225 passengers, the deadliest shipwreck on the Pacific Coast of the U.S. at the time.
  • 1866 New Orleans’s Democratic government orders police to raid an integrated Republican Party meeting, killing 40 people and injuring 150.
  • 1871  The Staten Island Ferry Westfield’s boiler explodes, killing over 85 people.
  • 1916 Black Tom Island explosion in Jersey City, New Jersey.
  • 1930 In Montevideo, Uruguay wins the first Football World Cup.
  • 1932 Premiere of Walt Disney’s Flowers and Trees, the first cartoon short to use Technicolor and the first Academy Award winning cartoon short.
  • 1971 Apollo program: Apollo 15 Mission – David Scott and James Irwin on the Apollo Lunar Module module Falcon land on the Moon with the first Lunar Rover.
  • 1971 An All Nippon Airways Boeing 727 and a Japanese Air Force F-86 collide over Morioka, Japan killing 162.
  • 1974 Watergate Scandal: U.S. President Richard M. Nixon releases subpoenaed White House recordings after being ordered to do so by the United States Supreme Court.
  • 1990 George Steinbrenner is forced by Commissioner Fay Vincent to resign as principal partner of New York Yankees for hiring Howie Spira to “get dirt” on Dave Winfield.
  • 2003 In Mexico, the last ‘old style’ Volkswagen Beetle rolls off the assembly line.
  • 2006 The world’s longest running music show Top of the Pops is broadcast for the last time on BBC Two. The show had aired for 42 years.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A shoplifter was caught red-handed trying to steal a watch from an exclusive jewelry store. “Listen,” said the shoplifter, “I know you don’t want any trouble either. What do you say I just buy the watch, and we forget about this?”

The manager agreed and wrote up the sales slip. The crook looked at the slip and said, “This is a little more than I intended to spend. Can you show me something less expensive?”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The man told his doctor he wasn’t able to do all the things around the house that he used to do. When the examination was complete, he said, “Now, Doc, I can take it. Tell me in plain English what’s wrong with me.”

“Well, in plain English,” the doctor replied, “You’re just a plain old lazy bum.”

“Thank You.” said the man. “Now give me the medical term, so I can tell my wife!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: The Procrastinator’s Creed

1. I believe that if anything is worth doing, it would have been done already.

2. I shall never move quickly, except to avoid more work or find excuses.

3. I will never rush into a job without a lifetime of consideration.

4. I shall meet all of my deadlines directly in proportion to the amount of bodily injury I could expect to receive from missing them.

5. I firmly believe that tomorrow holds the possibility for new technologies, astounding discoveries, and a reprieve from my obligations.

6. I truly believe that all deadlines are unreasonable regardless of the amount of time given.

7. I shall never forget that the probability of a miracle, though infinitesmally small, is not exactly zero.

8. If at first I don’t succeed, there is always next year.

9. I shall always decide not to decide, unless of course I decide to change my mind.

10. I shall always begin, start, initiate, take the first step, and/or write the first word, when I get around to it.

11. I obey the law of inverse excuses which demands that the greater the task to be done, the more insignificant the work that must be done prior to beginning the greater task.

12. I know that the work cycle is not plan-start-finish, but is wait-plan-plan.

13. I will never put off until tomorrow, what I can forget about forever.

14. I will become a member of the ancient Order of Two-Headed Turtles (the Procrastinator’s Society) if they ever get it organized.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Lavender Violas

Lavender violas

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~Two silk worms had a race. They ended up in a tie.
~It was an emotional wedding. Even the cake was in tiers. 
~Jill broke her finger today, but on the other hand she was completely fine.
~It is tough to do inventories in Afghanistan because of the tally ban.
~The magician got so mad he pulled his hare out. 
~When the window fell into the incinerator, it was a pane in the ash to retrieve.
~Cartoonist found dead in home. Details are sketchy. 
~Weight loss mantra? Fat chants!
~Did you see the movie about the hot dog? It was an Oscar Wiener.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

One day, a Mechanical Engineer, Electrical Engineer, Chemical Engineer and Computer Engineer were driving down the street in the same car.

The car broke down.

The Mechanical Engineer said, “I think a rod broke.”

The Chemical Engineer said, “The way it sputtered at the end, I don’t think it’s getting gas.”

The Electrical Engineer said, “I think there was a spark and something is wrong with the electrical system.”

All three turned to the computer engineer and said, “What do you think?”

The Computer Engineer said, “I think we should all get out and get back in.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

One of my daughter’s wedding presents was a toaster oven. Soon after the honeymoon, she and her husband tried it out. Almost immediately, smoke billowed out of the toaster. “Get the owner’s manual!” her husband shouted.

“I can’t find it anywhere!” she cried, searching through the box.

“Oops!” came a voice from the kitchen. “Well, the toast is fine, but the owner’s manual is burnt to a crisp.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Two gas company servicemen, a senior training supervisor and a young trainee, were out checking meters in a suburban neighborhood. They parked their truck at the end of the alley and worked their way to the other end. At the last house a woman looking out her kitchen window watched the two men as they checked her gas meter.

Finishing the meter check, the senior supervisor challenged his younger co-worker to a foot race down the alley back to the truck to prove that an older guy could outrun a younger one.

As they came running up to the truck, they realized the lady from that last house was huffing and puffing right behind them. They stopped and asked her what was wrong.

Gasping for breath, she replied, “When I see two gas men running as hard as you two were, I figured I’d better run too!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

TODAY IN TRIVIA: Perseid Meteor Shower!

~The Perseid meteor shower comes from Comet Swift-Tuttle.

~Perseid meteoroids hitting our atmosphere at 132,000 mph.

~NASA recommends looking on the nights of August 12th and 13th of 2013 between the hours of 10:30 PM to 4:30 AM local time. Before midnight the meteor rate will start out low, then increase as the night wears on, peaking before sunrise when the constellation Perseus is high in the sky.

~In total, the Perseid meteor rate from dark-sky sites could top 100 per hour.

~A fireball is a very bright meteor, at least as bright as the planets Jupiter or Venus.

~The Perseid meteor shower produces more fireballs than any other.

(Info from NASA Science News)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: “Say what you will about the Ten Commandments, you must always come back to the pleasant fact that there are only ten of them.” – HL Mencken

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“It is impossible to live without failing at something, unless you live so cautiously that you might as well not have lived at all – in which case, you fail by default.”  –  J.K. Rowling

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *