Jokes and Trivia for November 14, 2012

Everyone has inside of her a piece of good news. The good news is that you don’t know how great you can be! How much you can love! What you can accomplish! And what your potential is! – Anne Frank

TODAY – NOVEMBER 14th – WEDNESDAY

319th day of 2012 with 47 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Operating Room Nurse Day

*National Guacamole Day

*National Pickle Day

*World Diabetes Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1765 Robert Fulton, Lancaster County, Pennsylvania, inventor (widely credited with developing the first commercially successful steamboat)
  • 1840 Claude Monet, French painter (founder of French impressionist painting / Sunrise, On the Bank of the Seine, Water Lilies)
  • 1863 Leo Hendrik Baekeland, Belgium, Flemish-American chemist and inventor (first synthetic plastic, Bakelite)
  • 1919 Veronica Lake, Brooklyn, New York, actress (Sullivan’s Travels)
  • 1936 Cornell Gunter, Coffeyville, Kansas, singer (The Coasters)
  • 1891 Frederick Banting, Canadian physician (Nobel / one of main discoverers of insulin)
  • 1896 Mamie Eisenhower, Boone, Iowa, First Lady of the United States (1953-1961; wife of President Dwight Eisenhower)
  • 1907 William Steig, Brooklyn, New York, children’s book author (Abel’s Island, Doctor De Soto, created Shrek character)
  • 1927 McLean Stevenson, Normal, Illinois, actor (Lt. Colonel Henry Blake on M*A*S*H, The Doris Day Show, guest host for The Tonight Show Starring Johnny Carson 58 times)
  • 1930 Edward Higgins White, San Antonio, Texas, astronaut / engineer / USAF officer (first American to walk in space on 6/3/1965; Gemini 4, Apollo 1)
  • 1943 Peter Norton, Aberdeen, Washington, software engineer (Norton computer books, pioneer in DOS-based utilities software)
  • 1947 P. J. O’Rourke, Toledo, Ohio, author / journalist (Holidays in Heck, Driving Like Crazy, The CEO of the Sofa, All the Trouble in the World)
  • 1948 Charles, Prince of Wales
  • 1949 Gary Grubbs, Amory, Mississippi, actor (JFK )
  • 1949 James Young, Chicago, Illinois, guitarist (Styx)
  • 1951 Alec John Such, Yonkers, New York, American musician (Bon Jovi)
  • 1951 Stephen Bishop, San Diego, California, American musician
  • 1954 Condoleezza Rice, Birmingham, Alabama, educator, diplomat and 66th United States Secretary of State
  • 1957 Michael J Fitzgerald, Portland, Oregon writer (best known for his technical books)
  • 1970 Brendan Benson, Royal Oak, Michigan, musician (The Raconteurs)
  • 1975 Faye Tozer, Northampton, England, British musician (Steps)
  • 1981 Vanessa Bayer, Cleveland, Ohio, comedian (Saturday Night Live )

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The future belongs to those who believe in the beauty of their dreams. – Eleanor Roosevelt.

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1770 James Bruce discovers what he believes to be the source of the Nile.
  • 1862 During the American Civil War, President Abraham Lincoln approves General Ambrose Burnside’s plan to capture the Confederate capital at Richmond, Virginia, leading to the Battle of Fredericksburg.
  • 1889 Pioneering female journalist Nellie Bly (aka Elizabeth Cochrane) begins a successful attempt to travel around the world in less than 80 days. She completes the trip in seventy-two days.
  • 1952 The first regular UK singles chart published by the New Musical Express.
  • 1957 The Apalachin Meeting outside Binghamton, New York is raided by law enforcement, and many high level Mafia figures are arrested.
  • 1965 Vietnam War: The Battle of the Ia Drang begins – the first major engagement between regular American and North Vietnamese forces.
  • 1969 Apollo program: NASA launches Apollo 12, the second manned mission to the surface of the Moon.
  • 1973 In the United Kingdom, Princess Anne marries Captain Mark Phillips, in Westminster Abbey.
  • 1975 Spain abandons Western Sahara.
  • 1982 Lech Wałęsa, the leader of Poland’s outlawed Solidarity movement, is released after eleven months of internment near the Soviet border.
  • 1990 After German reunification, the Federal Republic of Germany and the Republic of Poland sign a treaty confirming the Oder-Neisse line as the border between Germany and Poland.
  • 1991 American and British authorities announce indictments against two Libyan intelligence
  • 1991 In Royal Oak, Michigan, a fired United States Postal Service employee goes on a shooting rampage, killing four and wounding five before committing suicide.
  • 2007 The last direct-current electrical distribution system in the United States is shut down in New York City by Con Edison.

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In our search for a suitable pastor, the following scratch sheet was developed for your perusal. Of the candidates investigated by the committee, only one was found to have the necessary qualities. The list contains the names of the candidates and comments on each, should you be interested in investigating them further for future pastoral placements.

Noah
He has 120 years of preaching experience, but no converts.

Moses
He stutters; and his former congregation says he loses his temper over trivial things.

Abraham
He took off to Egypt during hard times. We heard that he got into trouble with the authorities and then tried to lie his way out.

David
He is an unacceptable moral character. He might have been considered for minister of music had he not fallen.

Solomon
He has a reputation for wisdom but fails to practice what he preaches.

Elijah
He proved to be inconsistent, and is known to fold under pressure.

Hosea
His family life is in a shambles. Divorced, and remarried to a prostitute.

Jeremiah
He is too emotional, alarmist; some say a real pain in the neck.

Amos
Comes from a farming background. Better off picking figs.

John
He says he is a Baptist but lacks tact and dresses like a hippie. Would not feel comfortable around him at a church potluck supper.

Peter
Has a bad temper, and was heard to have even denied Christ publicly.

Paul
We found him to lack tact. He is too harsh. His appearance is contemptible, and he preaches far too long.

Timothy
He has potential, but is much too young for the position.

Judas
He seemed to be very practical, cooperative, good with money, cares for the poor, and dresses well. We all agreed that he is just the man we are looking for to fill the vacancy as our Senior Pastor.

Thank you for all you have done in assisting us with our pastoral search.

Sincerely,
The Pastoral Search Committee
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After the dedication of his baby brother in church, Jason sobbed all the way home in the back seat of the car.
 
His father asked him three times what was wrong.

Finally, the boy replied, “That preacher said he wanted us brought up in a Christian home, but I want to stay with you guys.”

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ONE-LINERS: * Funny Church Announcements *

~ New Carpet: There will be a discussion in May as to how we might raise funds for the new carpet.  All who wish to do something on the carpet should come forward and do so now.

~ Baptisms: From now on, the North and South ends of the church will be utilised. Children will be baptised at both ends.

~ The rosebud on the altar this morning is to announce the birth of Roderick James Hillman, the sin of Revd. and Mrs. Hillman.

~ For those of you who have children and don’t know it, we have a nursery downstairs.

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pic of the day:

picture of small dog

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

The Boston Symphony was performing Beethoven’s Ninth. In the piece, there’s a long passage about 20 minutes during which the bass violinists have nothing to do. Rather than sit around the whole time looking stupid, some bassists decided to sneak offstage and go to the tavern next door for a quick one.

After slamming several beers in quick succession, one of them looked at his watch. “Hey! We need to get back!”

“No need to panic,” said a fellow bassist, “I thought we might need some extra time, so I tied the last few pages of the conductor’s score together with string. It’ll take him a few minutes to get it untangled.”

A few moments later they staggered back to the concert hall and took their places in the orchestra. About this time, a member of the audience noticed the conductor seemed a bit edgy and said as much to her companion.

“Well, of course,” said her companion, “Don’t you see? It’s the bottom of the Ninth, the score is tied, and the bassists are loaded.”

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Roger, the local police/school liaison officer was in Green Barn Primary School, Sherborne, Dorset, UK, on an official visit when Mary, age 6, approached him.

‘Are you a policeman?’ Mary asked.
‘Yes,’ answered Roger smiling.

‘My mum said if I was ever in trouble then I ought to ask a policeman for help. Is that true?’
‘Of course,’ uttered Roger.

‘Then will you please tie my shoelace?’ said Mary.

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A bloke goes into a bar and orders a dozen glasses of the most expensive scotch whiskey they have. When he gets them, he starts drinking them real fast.

The bartender, seeing this, asks:”Why are you drinking so fast?”

The bloke says:”You would too if you had what I have.”

“Whats that?” the bartender asks.

“50 cents,” said the man.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: PICKLE

~People have been eating pickles ever since the Mesopotamians started making them way back in 2400 B.C.E.

~In the Pacific Islands, natives pickle their foods in holes in the ground lined with banana leaves, and use them as food reserves in case of storms.

~In Fiji, guys can’t get a girl without first showing her parents his pickle pits.

~ Want to be beautiful? Cleopatra claimed pickles made her beautiful.

~Not everyone loves a sweet pickle. In America, dill pickles are twice as popular as the sweet variety.

~The Department of Agriculture estimates that the average American eats 8.5 lbs of pickles a year.

~If it weren’t for pickles, Christopher Columbus might never have “discovered” America.

~Napoleon was also a big fan of pickle power.

~Pickles are talked about in the Bible and can be found in the works of Shakespeare.

~More than a few famous people throughout history are reported to have been or to be pickle fans including Queen Elizabeth I, Thomas Jefferson, John Adams, Bill Cosby, Fran Drescher, and Ed Koch.

~Elvis Presley appreciated fried pickles.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: I live by: keep it light, keep it clean, keep it simple and keep it fun! – Gilliana De Angelis.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Self-pity is our worst enemy and if we yield to it, we can never do anything wise in the world.Helen Keller