Jokes and Trivia for June 24, 2013

“Speak when you are angry and you will make the best speech you will ever regret.” ― Ambrose Bierce

TODAY – JUNE 24th – MONDAY

175th day of 2013 with 190 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Celebration of the Senses (a day to remind yourself of your body’s amazing sensory abilities)

*Midsummer Day (England)

*National Pralines Day

* Swim A Lap Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1803 George J. Webb, English church organist. Compiled collections of sacred music; composed melody to hymn, ‘Stand Up, Stand Up for Jesus.’
  • 1813 Henry Ward Beecher, Litchfield, Connecticut, clergyman/orator (Independent)
  • 1842 Ambrose Bierce, Meigs County, Ohio, satirist (Devil’s Dictionary)
  • 1893 Roy O. Disney, Chicago, Illinois, businessman (co-founded The Walt Disney Company)
  • 1895 Jack Dempsey, Manassa, Colorado, heavyweight boxer (held title 1919-1926)
  • 1912 Mary Wesley, English author (The Camomiles Lawn, The Sixth Seal, Harnessing Peacocks, The Vacillations of Poppy Carew)
  • 1915 Norman Cousins, Union City, New Jersey, editor (Saturday Review)
  • 1915 Fred Hoyle, British astronomer (stellar nucleosynthesis) / sci-fi author (A is for Andromeda, Into Deepest Space, Element 79)
  • 1919 Al Molinaro, Kenosha, Wisconsin, actor (Murray-Odd Couple, Al-Happy Days)
  • 1927 Martin Lewis Perl, New York City, New York, physicist(Nobel 1995/ discovery of tau lepton)
  • 1938 Lawrence Block, Buffalo, New York, crime author (2 series: P.I. Matthew Scudder; gentleman burglar Bernie Rhodenbarr)
  • 1946 Ellison Onizuka, Kealakekua, Hawaii, astronaut (died on Space Shuttle Challenger / STS-51-C, STS-51-L)
  • 1947 Clarissa Dickson Wright, English chef and author (Two Fat Ladies)
  • 1947 Peter Weller, Stevens Point, Wisconsin, actor (Robocop, Of Unknown Origin, Prey, Top of the World)
  • 1950 Mercedes R Lackey, NYC, New York, sci-fi author (Arrow’s Fall, Magic’s Pawn/Valdemar series)
  • 1950 Nancy Allen, NYC, actress (Carrie, 1941, Robocop, Dress to Kill)
  • 1963 Mike Wieringo, Italian-born American comic book artist (The Flash, Fantastic Four)
  • 1967 Scott Oden, Columbus, Indiana, historical novelist (Men of Bronze, Memnon, Lion of Cairo)
  • 1985 Kyle Searles, Houston, Texas, actor (7th Heaven, George Lopez, Dawson’s Creek)
  • 1986 Solange Knowles, Houston, Texas, singer-songwriter and actress (younger sister of Beyoncé)

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“There is nothing new under the sun but there are lots of old things we don’t know.” ― Ambrose Bierce

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1604 Mouth of the Saint John River discovered by Samuel de Champlain (site of Reversing Falls and Saint John, New Brunswick, Canada).
  • 1846 The saxophone is patented by Adolphe Sax in Paris, France.
  • 1880O Canada” first performed, later became the national anthem of Canada.
  • 1901 Pablo Picasso’s artwork was given its first exhibition, in Paris.
  • 1916 Mary Pickford becomes the first female film star to sign a million dollar contract.
  • 1938 Pieces of a meteor, estimated to have weighed 450 metric tons when it hit the Earth’s atmosphere and exploded, land near Chicora, Pennsylvania.
  • 1947 Flying saucers sighted over Mount Rainier by pilot Ken Arnold.
  • 1948 Start of the Berlin Blockade. The Soviet Union makes overland travel between the West with West Berlin impossible.
  • 1949 “Hopalong Cassidy” becomes first network western (NBC), starring William Boyd.
  • 1983 Space Shuttle program: STS-7 Mission Sally Ride, first female American astronaut, returns to earth.
  • 1985 STS-51-G Space Shuttle Discovery completes its mission, best remembered for having Sultan bin Salman bin Abdulaziz Al Saud as a Payload Specialist, the first Arab and first Muslim in space.
  • 1992 Supreme Court ruled health warnings on cigarette packs don’t necessarily exempt tobacco companies from false advertising lawsuits if they continue to tell consumers that smoking is safe.
  • 2010 John Isner of the United States defeats Nicolas Mahut of France at Wimbledon, in the longest match in professional tennis history.
  • 2012 Last known Chelonoidis nigra abingdonii tortoise died (subspecies of the Galápagos tortoise).

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Little Johnny was being questioned by the teacher during an arithmetic lesson. ‘If you had ten dollars,’ said the teacher, ‘and I asked you for a loan of eight dollars, how much would you have left?’

‘Ten,’ said Little Johnny firmly.

‘Ten?’ the teacher said ‘How do you make it ten?’

‘Well,’ replied Little Johnny ‘You may ask for a loan of eight dollars, but that doesn’t mean you’ll get it!’

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“Laughter is inner jogging.” — Norman Cousins

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A cowboy rode into town and stopped at the saloon for a drink. Unfortunately, the locals always had a habit of picking on newcomers. When he finished, he found his horse had been stolen.

He comes back into the bar, handily flips his gun into the air, catches it above his head without even looking and fires a shot into the ceiling. “Who stole my horse?” he yelled with surprising forcefulness.

No one answered.

“I’m gonna have another beer and if my horse ain’t back outside by the time I’m finished, I’m gonna do what I dun back in Texas and I don’t want to have to do what I dun back in Texas!”

Some of the locals shifted restlessly.

He had another beer, walked outside, and his horse was back! He saddled up and started to ride out of town.

The bartender wandered out of the bar and asked, “Say partner, what happened in Texas?”

The cowboy turned back and said, “I had to walk home!”

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ONE-LINERS: Things that you should know by now

~ People who want to share their religious views with you never want you to share yours with them.

~ You should not confuse your career with your life.

~ Nobody cares if you can’t dance well. Just get up and dance.

~ Never lick a steak knife.

~ The most destructive force in the universe is gossip.

~ You will never find anybody who can give you a clear and compelling reason why we put the clocks back.

~ You should never say anything to a woman that even remotely suggests that you think she’s pregnant unless you can see an actual baby emerging from her at that moment.

~ There comes a time when you should stop expecting other people to make a big deal about your birthday. That time is age eleven.

~ The one thing that unites all human beings, regardless of age,gender, religion, economic status or ethnic background, is that, deep down inside, we ALL believe that we are above average drivers and have a sense of humour

~ A person, who is nice to you, but rude to the waiter, is not a nice person.

~ Never be afraid to try something new. Remember that a lone amateur built the Ark. A large group of professionals built the Titanic.

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A man takes his place in the theater, but his seat is too far from the stage. He whispers to the usher, “This is a mystery, and I have to watch a mystery close up. Get me a better seat, and I’ll give you a handsome tip.”

The usher moves him into the second row, and the man hands the usher a quarter.

The usher looks at the quarter, leans over and whispers, “The wife did it.”

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pic of the day: Lonesome George

Chelonoidis nigra abingdonii

Pinta giant tortoise (Geochelone nigra abingdoni), by putneymark
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Whenever my family leaves the house, our Shetland sheepdog’s animal instincts start to kick in. He runs circles around us and nips at our heels to keep us all together. Watching this display, my friend asked, “What’s he doing?”

I couldn’t resist: “You always herd the ones you love.”

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I stopped to chat with an elderly neighbor whose husband had passed away a few months ago. Her daughter and son-in-law were visiting her, and I asked about her plans for the coming months.

“I’m going to spend a month at my summer place. After that, I’ll probably stay a few months in St. Louis with my sister …”

At that point her daughter interjected, “… and then come back home with me.”

The older woman smiled lovingly at her daughter.  “They tell me what to do, and I do it,” she said.  “I used to be the mother of four children. Now it seems I’m the child of four mothers.”

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“History is a vast early warning system.” — Norman Cousins

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Patient to doctor: “This is really strange. My suit must’ve shrunk just sitting in the closet. It didn’t fit when I went to get ready for a wedding recently.”

“Suits don’t shrink just sitting there. You probably just put on a few pounds.”

“That’s just it, Doc, I know I haven’t gained a single pound since the last time I wore it.”

“Well then, you must have a case of Furniture Disease.”

“What in the world is Furniture Disease?”

“Furniture Disease is when you reach that stage in life when your chest starts sliding down into your drawers.”

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“9-1-1 emergency assistance. What is the nature of your emergency?”

“I’m diabetic and I’m afraid I’ve had too much sugar today.”

“Are you light-headed?”

“Well, naturally yes. But now I’m a brunette.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Chelonoidis nigra abingdonii!

~Chelonoidis nigra abingdonii  is more commonly known as the Pinta Island tortoise.  It has other names as well, such as the Pinta giant tortoise, Abingdon Island tortoise, or Abingdon Island giant tortoise.

~ This tortoise was a subspecies of Galápagos tortoise native to Ecuador’s Pinta Island.

~This subspecies was originally described in 1877 by German-born British herpetologist Albert Günther, who named it Testudo abingdonii, a new species, in his book The Gigantic Land-tortoises (Living and Extinct) in the Collection of the British Museum.

~A male named Lonesome George was the last known individual of the subspecies.

~In his last years, he was known as the rarest creature in the world. George served as a potent symbol for conservation efforts in the Galápagos and internationally.  He died on 24 June 2012.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “The most affectionate creature in the world is a wet dog.” ― Ambrose Bierce

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

“Just as there is no loss of basic energy in the universe, so no thought or action is without its effects, present or ultimate, seen or unseen, felt or unfelt.” — Norman Cousins

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