Jokes and Trivia for April 24, 2013

One loyal friend is worth ten thousand relatives. – Euripides

TODAY – APRIL 24th – WEDNESDAY

114th day of 2013 with 251 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Pigs-In-A-Blanket Day

*Administrative Professionals Day 2013

*World Day for Laboratory Animals

*Kapyong Day (Australia)

*World Immunization Week (24-30 April)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1620 John Graunt, London, English statistician and founder of the science of demography
  • 1743 Edmund Cartwright, Nottinghamshire, British inventor (inventor of the power loom)
  • 1922 J. D. Cannon, Salmon, Idaho, actor (McCloud, Cool Hand Luke, Call To Glory, Raise the Titanic)
  • 1933 Freddie Scott, Providence, Rhode Island, singer
  • 1934 Shirley MacLaine, Richmond, Virginia, actor (Terms of Endearment, Steel Magnolias, Postcards from the Edge, Guarding Tess) and author (Dancing in the Light, I’m Over All That: And Other Confessions)
  • 1936 Jill Ireland, British actress (The Mechanic, Hard Times, Breakheart Pass, Death Wish II)
  • 1940 Sue Grafton, Louisville, Kentucky, author (Kinsey Milhone in alphabet series, “A” is for Alibi, “B” is for Burglar, “V” is for Vengeance)
  • 1942 Barbra Streisand, Brooklyn, New York, singer and actor
  • 1943 Richard Sterban, Camden, New Jersey, singer
  • 1945 Robert Knight, Franklin, Tennessee, singer  (Everlasting Love)
  • 1947 Roger D. Kornberg, St. Louis, Missouri, chemist (Transmission of genetic information from DNA to RNA)
  • 1953 Eric Bogosian, Woburn, Massachusetts, actor (Law & Order: CI, High Incident) and writer (Mall, Wasted Beauty, Perforated Heart)
  • 1955 Michael O’Keefe, Mount Vernon, New York, actor (Caddyshack, The Great Santini, A Rumor of War, Split Image, Ironweed, Roseanne)
  • 1959 Glenn Morshower, Dallas, Texas, actor (24, Transformers, Grizzly Park, Hostage, Black Hawk Down)
  • 1963 Billy Gould, Los Angeles, California, musician (Faith No More)
  • 1969 Melinda Clarke, Dana Point, actress (Days of our Lives, The O.C., Lady Heather on CSI, Nikita)
  • 1978 Eric Balfour, Los Angeles, California, actor (Haven, 24, Six Feet Under, Conviction)
  • 1980 Danny Gokey, Milwaukee, Wisconsin, singer (My Best Days Are Ahead of Me )
  • 1980 Austin Nichols, Ann Arbor, Michigan, actor (One Tree Hill, The Day After Tomorrow and Wimbledon)
  • 1982 Kelly Clarkson, Fort Worth, Texas, singer (won 1st season of American Idol)

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An appeaser is one who feeds a crocodile, hoping it will eat him last. – Sir Winston Churchill

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1800 The United States Library of Congress is established when President John Adams signs legislation to appropriate $5,000 USD to purchase “such books as may be necessary for the use of Congress”.
  • 1862 American Civil War: A flotilla commanded by Union Admiral David Farragut passes two Confederate forts on the Mississippi River on its way to capture New Orleans, Louisiana.
  • 1913 The Woolworth Building skyscraper in New York City is opened.
  • 1915 The arrest of 250 Armenian intellectuals and community leaders in Istanbul marks the beginning of the Armenian Genocide.
  • 1916 Easter Rising: The Irish Republican Brotherhood led by nationalists Patrick Pearse, James Connolly, and Joseph Plunkett starts a rebellion in Ireland.
  • 1916 Ernest Shackleton and five men of the Imperial Trans-Antarctic Expedition launch a lifeboat from uninhabited Elephant Island in the Southern Ocean to organise a rescue for the ice-trapped ship Endurance.
  • 1953 Winston Churchill is knighted by Queen Elizabeth II.
  • 1990 Gruinard Island, Scotland, is officially declared free of the anthrax disease after 48 years of quarantine.
  • 1993 An IRA bomb devastates the Bishopsgate area of London.
  • 1996 In the United States, the Antiterrorism and Effective Death Penalty Act of 1996 is introduced.
  • 2004 The United States lifts economic sanctions imposed on Libya 18 years previously, as a reward for its cooperation in eliminating weapons of mass destruction.
  • 2007 Iceland announces that Norway will shoulder the defense of Iceland during peacetime.

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A man is lost in the Sahara desert. He used up the last of his water three days ago and he’s lying, gasping, on the sand, when in the distance he suddenly hears a voice calling, “Mush! Mush!”

Not trusting his ears he turns his head and there it is again, closer this time — “Mush! Mush!” Propping himself up on one elbow he squints against the sun and sees, of all things, an Eskimo bundled up in furs driving a sled with a team of huskies across the dunes.

Thinking that it’s a hallucination, he blinks and shakes his head, but it’s for real! He painfully lifts one arm and in a cracked voice calls, “He-elp!”

The Eskimo pulls the sled up by him, the huskies panting in the heat, and he says to the Eskimo, “I don’t know what you’re doing here, or why, but thank God you are! I’ve been wandering around this desert for days, my water’s all gone and I’m completely lost!”

The perspiring Eskimo looks down at him and says, “YOU’RE lost?!”

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A woman was taking her time browsing through everything at a friend’s yard sale, and said to her, “My husband is going to be very angry I stopped at a yard sale.”

“I’m sure he’ll understand when you tell him about all the bargains you found,” her friend replied.

“Normally, yes,” she said. “But he just broke his leg, and he’s waiting for me to take him to the hospital to have it set.”

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ONE-LINERS: Ten Reasons Why TV Is Better Than The World-Wide Web

1. It doesn’t take minutes to build the picture when you change TV channels.

2. When was the last time you tuned in to “Friends” and got a “Not Found 404” message?

3. There are fewer grating color schemes on TV–even on MTV.

4. The family never argues over which Web site to visit this evening.

5. A remote control has fewer buttons than a keyboard.

6. Even the worst TV shows never excuse themselves with an “Under Construction” sign.

7. “CSI” never slows down when a lot of people tune in.

8. You just can’t find those cool infomercials on the Web.

9. Set-top boxes don’t beep and whine when you hook up to cable.

10. You can’t surf the Web from a couch with a soda in one hand and chips in the other

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pic of the day:

picture of white cat

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Q: What do you get if you cross a woodpecker with a carrier pigeon?
A: A bird who knocks before delivering its message!

Q: What do you call a very rude bird?
A: A mockingbird!

Q: Where do birds meet for coffee?
A: In a nest-cafe!

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When I returned home from college for a break, I noticed a paper posted on the refrigerator. It listed some goals my dad had set for himself: Help wife more; lose weight; be more productive at work.

I promptly added: “Send Michelle money every month.”

A few days later my brother wrote: “Make payments on car for Jason.”

Then my boyfriend joined in with: “Buy Tom a Jeep.”

Finally my father added a new goal to his amended list: “Wean kids.”

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Go to an place where there are white elephants. Bring with you a muffin (with raisins).

Climb a tree. When the white elephant is close, drop the muffin (with raisins) in front of it.

The white elephant will be happy, and eat the muffin (with raisins). White elephants like muffins (with raisins).

Repeat this procedure for five days in a row. After the fifth day, the white elephant will be used to its daily muffin (with raisins).

The sixth day you climb the tree, bringing with you a muffin (without raisins). Drop the muffin (without raisins) as usual.

When the white elephant finds out that the muffin (without raisins) lacks raisins, it will darken in anger.

And then you catch it the same way you catch an ordinary grey elephant.

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: POWER LOOM
~Reverend Edmund Cartwright patented the power loom.
~The power loom was a steam-powered, mechanically operated version of a regular loom, an invention that combined threads to make cloth.
~In 1785, Edmund Cartwright patented the first power loom and set up a factory in Doncaster, England to manufacture cloth.
~Cartwright’s power loom was improved upon by William Horrocks, the inventor of the variable speed batton (1813) and American, Francis Cabot Lowell.
~The power loom became commonly used after 1820.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: It’s not that I’m so smart , it’s just that I stay with problems longer. – Albert Einstein

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Try to make at least one person happy every day, and then in ten years you may have made three thousand, six hundred and fifty persons happy, or brightened a small town by your contribution to the fund of general enjoyment. – Sydney Smith

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