Jokes and Trivia for January 17, 2013

If you want to make your dreams come true, the first thing you have to do is wake up. J.M. Power

TODAY – JANUARY 17th – THURSDAY

17th day of 2013 with 348 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Ditch New Years Resolutions Day

*Hot-Buttered Rum Day

*Blessing of the Animals at the Cathedral Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1706 Benjamin Franklin, Boston, Massachusetts,  statesman and inventor, invented the lightning rod, bifocals, the Franklin stove, a carriage odometer, and the glass ‘armonica’
  • 1857 Eugene Augustin Lauste, Montmartre, France,inventor, inventor instrumental in the technological development of the history of cinema
  • 1886 Glenn L. Martin, Macksburg, Iowa, aviation pioneer (started the Glenn L. Martin Company, which later became part of Martin Marietta, and today’s Lockheed Martin)
  • 1911 George Joseph Stigler, Seattle, Washington,  economist, best known for developing the Economic Theory of Regulation
  • 1922 Betty White, Oak Park, Illinois, actress (Mary Tyler Moore Show, Golden Girls)
  • 1927 Eartha Kitt, North, South Carolina, singer/actress (Catwoman/Batman; Emperor’s New Groove)
  • 1928 Vidal Sassoon, London, England, hair stylist/CEO (Vidal Sassoon)
  • 1931 James Earl Jones, Arkabutla, Mississippi, actor (Darth Vader voice, Exorcist II, Soul Man, The Lion King)
  • 1933 Shari Lewis, Bronx, New York, ventriloquist/puppeteer, author (Lamb Chop)
  • 1938 John Bellairs, Haverhill, Massachusetts, fantasy, gothic mystery author (The Face in the Frost, The Curse of the Blue Figurine, The Eyes of the Killer Robot)
  • 1942 Muhammad Ali, Louisville, Kentucky, boxer (three-time World Heavyweight Champion )
  • 1943 Chris Montez, Los Angeles, California, singer (Love Is Here To Stay )
  • 1949 Mick Taylor, British musician (The Rolling Stones)
  • 1954 Robert F Kennedy Jr, Washington DC, attorney & environmental activist (Natural Resources Defense Council, Ring of Fire)
  • 1955 Steve Earle, Hampton, Virginia, musician, known for his rock and country music
  • 1962 Jim Carrey, Newmarket, Ontario, Canada, actor and comedian (I Love You Phillip Morris, A Christmas Carol, Yes man)
  • 1964 Michelle Obama, First Lady of the United States
  • 1966 Stephin Merritt, Los Angeles, California, singer and songwriter (The Magnetic Fields, The 6ths, The Gothic Archies)
  • 1980 Maksim Chmerkovskiy, Ukrainian ballroom dancer (Dancing with the Stars, 10 seasons)
  • 1980 Zooey Deschanel, Los Angeles, California, actress (Mumford )
  • 1981 Scott Mechlowicz, New York City, New York, actor (EuroTrip, Mean Creek, Peaceful Warrior, Gone )

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Winners lose much more often than losers. So if you keep losing but you’re still trying, keep it up! You’re right on track. Matthew Keith Groves

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1781 American Revolutionary War: Battle of Cowpens – Continental troops under Brigadier General Daniel Morgan defeat British forces under Lieutenant Colonel Banastre Tarleton at the battle in South Carolina.
  • 1806 James Madison Randolph, the grandson of Thomas Jefferson, becomes the first child born in the White House.
  • 1899 The United States takes possession of Wake Island in the Pacific Ocean.
  • 1904 Anton Chekhov’s The Cherry Orchard receives its premiere performance at the Moscow Art Theatre.
  • 1912 Sir Robert Falcon Scott reaches the South Pole, one month after Roald Amundsen.
  • 1916 The Professional Golfers Association (PGA) is formed.
  • 1917 The United States pays Denmark $25 million for the Virgin Islands.
  • 1929 Popeye the Sailor Man, a cartoon character created by Elzie Segar, first appears in the Thimble Theatre comic strip.
  • 1977  Convicted murderer Gary Gilmore is executed by a firing squad in Utah, ending a ten-year moratorium on Capital punishment in the United States.
  • 1982 “Cold Sunday” – in the United States temperatures fell to their lowest levels in over 100 years in numerous cities.
  • 1983 The tallest department store in the world, Hudson’s, flagship store in downtown Detroit closes due to high cost of operating.
  • 1989 Stockton massacre: Patrick Purdy opens fire with an assault rifle at the Cleveland Elementary School playground, killing five children and wounding 29 others and one teacher before taking his own life.
  • 1994 1994 Northridge Earthquake: A magnitude 6.7 earthquake hits Northridge, California.
  • 1997 A Delta 2 carrying a GPS2R satellite explodes 13 seconds after launch, dropping 250 tons of burning rocket remains around the launch pad.
  • 1998 Paula Jones accuses President Bill Clinton of sexual harassment.
  • 2001 President Bill Clinton posthumously raises Meriwether Lewis’ rank from Lieutenant to Captain.
  • 2002 Mount Nyiragongo erupts in the Democratic Republic of the Congo, displacing an estimated 400,000 people.
  • 2007 Doomsday Clock is set to five minutes to midnight in response to N. Korea nuclear testing.

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Two little squirrels were walking along in the forest. The first one spied a nut and cried out, “Oh, look! A nut!”

The second squirrel jumped on it and said, “It’s my nut!”

The first squirrel said, “That’s not fair! I saw it first!”
“Well, you may have seen it, but I have it,” argued the second.

At that point, a lawyer squirrel came up and said, “You shouldn’t quarrel. Let me resolve this dispute.”

The two squirrels nodded, and the lawyer squirrel said, “Now, give me the nut.”

He broke the nut in half, and handed half to each squirrel, saying, “See! It was foolish of you to fight. Now the dispute is resolved.” Then he reached over and said, “And for my fee, I’ll take the meat.”

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A blind man with a seeing eye dog at his side walks into a grocery store. The man walks to the middle of the store, picks up the dog by the tail, and starts swinging the dog around in circles over his head.

The store manager, who has seen all this, thinks this is quite strange. So, he decides to find out what’s going on. The store manager approaches the blind man swinging the dog and says, “Pardon me. May I help you with something.”

The blind man says, “No thanks. I’m just looking around.”

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ONE-LINERS: Cute Dog Quotes

~I wonder if other dogs think poodles are members of a weird religious cult. – Rita Rudner

~A dog teaches a boy fidelity, perseverance, and to turn around three times before lying down. – Robert Benchley

~Anybody who doesn’t know what soap tastes like never washed a dog. – Franklin P. Jones

~If your dog is fat, you aren’t getting enough exercise. – Unknown

~My dog is worried about the economy because Alpo is up to $3.00 a can. That’s almost $21.00 in dog money. – Joe Weinstein

~Ever consider what our dogs must think of us? I mean, here we come back from a grocery store with the most amazing haul — chicken, pork, half a cow. They must think we’re the greatest hunters on earth! – Anne Tyler

~Women and cats will do as they please, and men and dogs should relax and get used to the idea. – Robert A. Heinlein

~You can say any foolish thing to a dog, and the dog will give you a look hat says, ‘Wow, you’re right! I never would’ve thought of that!’ – Dave Barry

~If you think dogs can’t count, try putting three dog biscuits in your pocket and then give him only two of them. – Phil Pastoret

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pic of the day: Icy Leatherleaf Mahonia

picture of leatherleaf mahonia

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

Some New Definitions

lymph (v), to walk with a lisp.

marionettes (n), residents of Washington DC who have been jerked around by the mayor.

negligent (adj), describes a condition where you absentmindedly answer the door in your nightie.

oyster (n), a person who sprinkles his conversation with Yiddish expressions.

gargoyle (n), an olive-flavored mouthwash.

semantics (n), pranks conducted by young men studying for the priesthood, including such things as gluing the pages of the priest’s prayer book together just before mass.

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We went to breakfast at a restaurant where the “seniors’ special” was two eggs, bacon, hash browns and toast for $1.99.

“Sounds good,” my wife said. “But I don’t want the eggs.”

“Then I’ll have to charge you two dollars and forty-nine cents because you’re ordering a la carte,” the waitress warned her.

“You mean I’d have to pay for not taking the eggs?” My wife asked incredulously. “I’ll take the special.”

“How do you want your eggs?”

“Raw and in the shell,” my wife replied. She took the two eggs home.

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A tourist walked into a pet shop and was looking at the animals on display. While he was there, another customer walked in and went over to a cage at the side of the shop and took out a monkey.

He fit a collar and leash, handed it to the customer, saying, “That’ll be $5000.” The customer paid and walked out with his monkey.

Startled, the tourist went over to the shopkeeper and said, “That was a very expensive monkey. Most of them are only a few hundred dollars. Why did it cost so much?”

The shopkeeper answered, “Ah, that monkey can program in C – very fast, tight code, no bugs, well worth the money.”

The tourist looked at the monkey in another cage. “That one’s even more expensive – $10,000! What does it do?”

“Oh, that one’s a C++ monkey; it can manage object-oriented programming, Visual C++, even some Java. All the really useful stuff,” said the shopkeeper.

The tourist looked around for a little longer and saw a third monkey in a cage of its own. The price tag around its neck read $50,000. He gasped to the shopkeeper, “That one costs more than all the others put together! What on earth does it do?”

The shopkeeper replied, “Well, I haven’t actually seen it do anything, but it says it’s a consultant.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: RUM

– The word rum is probably derived from the word “rumbullion,” an archaic term for a big noise and/or uproar.

~Rum is a distilled spirit derived from a sugarcane by-product called molasses.

~Bacardi is the best example of white rum.

~Rum is often enjoyed with coke. White rum (Bacardi in particular) when topped with coke and ice and garnished with a lime slice is known as Cuba libre.

~Rum can also be dark. Dark rum is a rich full bodied flavourful drink.

~Dark rum is more enjoyed by the elderly and the armed forces around the world for it provides great amount of calories and also helps keep warm.

~Captain Morgan is the leading dark rum brand in the United States.

~Bacardi is definitely the market leader when it comes to white rum. It has also launched premixes sold under the Breezer brand. Bacardi Breezers are low in alcohol content and come in a variety of flavors and appeal to the feminine market.

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QUIP OF THE DAY:  The best way to keep children home is to make the home atmosphere pleasant — and let the air out of the tires. – Dorothy Parker

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

An obstacle is often a stepping stone.” – Prescott