Jokes and Trivia for December 5, 2012

Maybe the truth is, there’s a little bit of loser in all of us. Being happy isn’t having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it’s about stringing together all the little things. ― Ann Brashares, The Sisterhood of the Traveling Pants

TODAY – DECEMBER 5th – WEDNESDAY

340th day of 2012 with 26 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Bathtub Party Day

*Repeal Day – The 21st Amendment ends Prohibition. I’ll drink to that!

*National Sacher Torte Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1782 Martin Van Buren, Kinderhook, New York, 8th President of the United States
  • 1839 George Armstrong Custer, New Rumley, Ohio, general (many victories, but they are overshadowed by Battle of the Little Bighorn, a.k.a. “Custer’s Last Stand”)
  • 1868 Arnold Sommerfeld, German physicist (pioneered developments in atomic and quantum physics)
  • 1879 Clyde Cessna, Hawthorne, Iowa,  airplane manufacturer (founder of the Cessna Aircraft Corporation)
  • 1895 Elbert Frank Cox, American mathematician (first black person in the world to receive a Ph.D. in mathematics)
  • 1896 Carl Ferdinand Cori, Austrian-born biochemist (Nobel / discovery of how glycogen (animal starch) – a derivative of glucose – is broken down and resynthesized in the body, for use as a store and source of energy)
  • 1901 Walt Disney, Chicago, Illinois, animated film producer & theme park builder
  • 1901 Werner Heisenberg, Würzburg, Bavaria, physicist (Nobel / foundational contributions to quantum mechanics and is best known for asserting the uncertainty principle of quantum theory)
  • 1903 Cecil Frank Powell, English physicist (Nobel / development of the photographic method of studying nuclear processes and for the resulting discovery of the pion (pi-meson), a heavy subatomic particle)
  • 1932 Little Richard, Macon, Georgia, singer and pianist (Tutti Frutti, Good Golly Miss Molly)
  • 1932 Sheldon Lee Glashow, New York City, New York, physicist (Electroweak theory & Criticism of Superstring theory)
  • 1934 Joan Didion, Sacramento, California, author (The White Album, A Book of Common Prayer, Salvador, The Last Thing He Wanted, The Year of Magical Thinking)
  • 1935 Calvin Trillin, Kansas City, Missouri, author (Runestruck, Floater, Remembering Denny, Family Man, Feeding a Yen, About Alice)
  • 1936 James Lee Burke, Los Angeles, Texas, author (Dave Robicheaux series / Black Cherry Blues, Cimarron Rose, Heaven’s Prisoners, In the Electric Mist)
  • 1947 Jim Messina, Maywood, California, musician (Buffalo Springfield, Loggins and Messina)
  • 1965 Johnny Rzeznik, Buffalo, NY, singer, songwriter and guitarist (Goo Goo Dolls)
  • 1979 Nick Stahl, Harlingen, Texas, actor (The Man Without a Face, Terminator 3: Rise of the Machines)
  • 1982 Keri Hilson, Decatur, Georgia, singer (Knock You Down, Turnin Me On)
  • 1989 Gregory Tyree Boyce, California, actor (Twilight )

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Man only likes to count his troubles; he doesn’t calculate his happiness. ― Fyodor Dostoyevsky, Notes from Underground

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1484 Pope Innocent VIII issues the Summis desiderantes, that deputizes Heinrich Kramer and James Sprenger as inquisitors to root out alleged witchcraft in Germany and leads to one of the most oppressive witch hunts in European history.
  • 1492 Christopher Columbus becomes the first European to set foot on the island of Hispaniola, now Haiti and the Dominican Republic.
  • 1775 At Fort Ticonderoga, Henry Knox begins his historic transport of artillery to Cambridge, Massachusetts.
  • 1848  California Gold Rush: In a message before the U.S. Congress, US President James K. Polk confirms that large amounts of gold had been discovered in California.
  • 1876 Brooklyn Theater Fire kills at least 278 people in Brooklyn, NY.
  • 1914 The Italian Parliament proclaims the neutrality of the country.
  • 1933 Prohibition in the United States ends: Utah becomes the 36th U.S. state to ratify the Twenty-first Amendment to the United States Constitution, thus establishing the required 75% of states needed to enact the amendment (this overturned the 18th Amendment which had made the manufacture, sale, or transportation of alcohol illegal in the United States).
  • 1974 In American football, the Birmingham Americans would win what would eventually be the only World Bowl in World Football League history.
  • 1976 The United Nations General Assembly adopts Pakistan’s resolution on security of non-Nuclear States.
  • 1979 Sonia Johnson is formally excommunicated by The Church of Jesus Christ of Latter-day Saints for her outspoken criticism of the church concerning the proposed Equal Rights Amendment to the Constitution of the United States.
  • 2010 The Harlem Globetrotters Played their famous “Four Point Game” against the Generals.

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William Howard Taft, our largest President, stood 6’2″ and weighed over 300 lbs. And he is the only man in history to hold the two highest offices in the land: he served as President and as Chief Justice of the Supreme Court.

As a young lawyer, Taft once visited a small town on legal business. When he finished he found it was hours until the next train was due. After inquiries at the station, however, he learned that a fast train was due in an hour but did not stop at this particular town unless there were a lot of passengers to board.

Taft had an inspiration. He sent a wire to the division superintendent:  “Will No. 7 stop here for a large party?”

When the train stopped, the conductor asked, “Where is the large party?”

As Taft climbed aboard he told the conductor, “You can go ahead; I am the large party.”

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Sunday school teacher to class: “We have been learning about how powerful the kings and queens were in Biblical times. But there is a higher power. Who can tell me what it is? Little Johnny?”

“I know, I know!! Aces!!”

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ONE-LINERS: General Put Downs:

1) Well, this day was a total waste of make-up.

2) Whatever kind of look you were going for, you missed.

3) I’m trying to imagine you with a personality.

4) How many times do I have to flush before you go away?

5) Nice perfume.  Must you marinate in it?

6) She’s so stupid she returns bowling balls because they’ve got holes in them: Joan Rivers on Bo Derek.

7) Is it time for your medication or mine?

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pic of the day: Llama and Sheep

picture of llama and sheep

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

In foreign language classes I got lost in translation. I wasn’t a Latin lover, and the teacher had to pardon my French because it was all Greek to me.

I failed Art because the subject didn’t suit my pallet, so I drew a blank.

I went out for the School Orchestra, but I was so high-strung and keyed up that I didn’t know how to conduct myself. I fiddled around so much that the teacher wouldn’t even let me play second fiddle. It was all too much sax and violins for me, so I played everything by ear and gave a second-string performance. My failure was noteworthy, and my flatter E got me nowhere.

I found the lines too long for Drama class, so I couldn’t get by the first stage. I never got my act together, and the teacher told me I was a bad actor. I even tried being a stagehand, but I soon needed a change of scenery.

Wood Shop was boring, and I didn’t know the drill. The subject went against my grain, so I didn’t make the cut.

(from  “A Tribute To Teachers”, ©2011 by Richard Lederer)

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A cop pulls over a driver for speeding.

The cop tells the driver, “I’m in a generous mood today. If you can give me an excuse that I haven’t heard before, I’ll let you go.”*

The driver replies, “My wife left me last week for a cop. I thought it might be you bringing her back!”

The cop let him go.

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The young man says to his date, “I really like the perfume you’re wearing. What’s it called?”

The young lady looks puzzled for a minute then searches through her purse, finally dumping the contents on the table between them. She searches through the pile and finally finds a small spray bottle. She examines the label and announces, “Here it is …’Unforgettable’.”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: About Sachertorte. . .

~Sacher Torte is a chocolate cake filled with apricot jam and covered with chocolate icing.

~It was created in Vienna in 1832 by a 16 year old apprentice baker named Franz Sacher for Prince Metternich.

~Since then, it has become the most famous torte in the world and the hand-written recipe is a ‘state secret’ of the hotel.

~Packed in wooden boxes, the Original Sacher-Torte (from size Piccolo upwards) is dispatched all over the world. The Original Sacher-Torte Liliput, Wurfel, and Punsch-dessert, are available at Sacher Confiseries.

~Sacher-Torte contains no chemical additives. It is at its best served with unsweetened whipped cream.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: The characters are so flat and the dialogue so dull you expect it to be one of those movies whose existence is justified by a big final twist. But it’s three days after the screening, and still no twist. Maybe it’s coming in the mail? – Kyle Smith (about the movie, The Jacket).

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

Find a job you love to do and you’ll never have to work a day in your life. – Harvey MacKay