Jokes and Trivia for May 16, 2012

Once you can understand and fully accept that you are solely and personally responsible for your own life, you can decide to do something about it.Magic Power of Mind

TODAY – MAY 16th – WEDNESDAY

137th day of 2012 with 229 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Love a Tree Day

*National Sea Monkey Day

*Wear Purple for Peace Day

*National Coquilles St. Jacques Day

*Biographers Day

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1718 Maria Gaetana Agnesi, Milan, mathematician
  • 1801 William Henry Seward, Florida, New York, Secretary of State (1861-69, buys Alaska at 2¢/acre, then called “Sewards Folly”)
  • 1831 David E. Hughes, London, inventor and musician, co-inventor of the microphone, a harpist and a professor of music
  • 1845 Ilya Ilyich Mechnikov, Kupiansk Raion, Kharkiv Oblast, Ukraine, Russian microbiologist, Nobel laureate
  • 1905 Henry Fonda,Grand Island, Nebraska, actor (Mr Roberts, On Golden Pond)
  • 1919 Liberace, West Allis, Wisconsin, pianist (Liberace Show, Evil Chandell-Batman)
  • 1919 Ramon Margalef, Barcelona, scientist, his most important work includes the application of Information Theory to ecological studies and the creation of mathematical models for the study of populations
  • 1947 Bill Smitrovich, Bridgeport, Connecticut, actor (Millennium, A Nero Wolfe Mystery, The Practice)
  • 1953 Pierce Brosnan, Ireland, actor (Remington Steele, 5th James Bond)
  • 1955 Debra Winger, Cleveland Heights, Ohio, actress (Terms of Endearment, for which she won the National Society of Film Critics Award for Best Actress in 1983, A Dangerous Woman )
  • 1966 Janet Jackson, Gary, Indiana, singer (“Nasty”, “Rhythm Nation”, “That’s the Way Love Goes”, “Together Again” , “All for You”  )
  • 1966 Scott Reeves, Delight, Arkansas, actor and singer (The Young and the Restless , General Hospital )
  • 1969 David Boreanaz, Buffalo, New York, actor (Buffy the Vampire Slayer, AngelBones)
  • 1972 Khary Payton, Augusta, Georgia, actor (best known for playing Cyborg in the Teen Titans )
  • 1986 Megan Fox, Oak Ridge, Tennessee,  actress (Hope & Faith, Confessions of a Teenage Drama Queen, Transformers ,Transformers: Revenge of the Fallen, Jennifer’s Body )

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Yes, but everyone is beautiful to someone. – Kevyn Aucoin

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1771 The Battle of Alamance, a pre-American Revolutionary War battle between local militia and a group of rebels called “The Regulators”, occurs in present-day Alamance County, North Carolina.
  • 1777 Lachlan McIntosh and Button Gwinnett shoot each other during a duel near Savannah, Georgia. Gwinnett, a signatory to the United States Declaration of Independence, dies three days later.
  • 1815 The Governor of New South Wales, Lachlan Macquarie, officially names the town of Blackheath in the upper Blue Mountains.
  • 1836 Edgar Allan Poe marries his 13-year-old cousin Virginia.
  • 1866 The U.S. Congress eliminates the half dime coin and replaces it with the five cent piece, or nickel.
  • 1866 Charles Elmer Hires invents root beer.
  • 1868 President Andrew Johnson is acquitted in his impeachment trial by one vote in the United States Senate.
  • 1874 A flood on the Mill River in Massachusetts destroys much of four villages and kills 139 people.
  • 1910 The United States Congress authorizes the creation of the United States Bureau of Mines.
  • 1929 In Hollywood, California, the first Academy Awards are handed out.
  • 1975 Junko Tabei becomes the first woman to reach the summit of Mount Everest.
  • 1983 Sudan People’s Liberation Army/Movement rebels against the Sudanese government.
  • 1986 The Seville Statement on Violence is adopted by an international meeting of scientists, convened by the Spanish National Commission for UNESCO, in Seville, Spain.
  • 1988 A report by United States’ Surgeon General C. Everett Koop states that the addictive properties of nicotine are similar to those of heroin and cocaine.
  • 1991 Queen Elizabeth II of the United Kingdom of Great Britain and Northern Ireland addressed a joint session of the United States Congress. She is the first British monarch to address the U.S. Congress.
  • 1992 STS-49: Space Shuttle Endeavour lands safely after a successful maiden voyage.
  • 2003 In Casablanca, Morocco, 33 civilians are killed and more than 100 people are injured in the Casablanca terrorist attacks.

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A man is flying in a hot air balloon and realizes he is lost. He reduces height and spots a man down below. He lowers the balloon further and shouts: “Excuse me, can you tell me where I am?”

The man below says: “yes you’re in a hot air balloon, hovering 30 feet above this field.”

“You must work in Information Technology” says the balloonist.

“I do” replies the man. How did you know.”

“Well” says the balloonist, “everything you have told me is technically correct, but it’s no use to anyone.”

The man below says “you must work in business.”

“I do” replies the balloonist, “but how did you know?”

“Well”, says the man, “you don’t know where you are, or where you’re going, but you expect me to be able to help. You’re in the same position you were before we met, but now it’s my fault.”

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ONE-LINERS: You Might Be a Lawyer if…

  • you are charging someone for reading these jokes.
  • you believe that a forty words’ sentence is a short one.
  • you have a daughter named Sue and a son named Bill.
  • you can look at a contract and instantly tell whether it’s verbal or written.
  • your other car is a BMW.
  • when you look in a mirror, you see a lawyer.
  • when your wife says “I love you,” you cross-examine her.

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pic of the day: Seward Totem Pole

pic of totem pole with Seward on top

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~If the devil lost his tail, where could he find a new one? At a store where they retail spirits.

~If the FBI augmented its postal posters of 10 Most Wanted by painting the info on coffee containers and dispensing them, would I drink my morning coffee from a mug with the mug of a mugger?

~If you dream in vivid colors, is that a pigment of your imagination?

~If you think I’m a lousy driver, wait until you see me putt.

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The Lord spoke to Noah and said, “I’m very angry with the way things are going on earth — this is not what I had in mind! I have accordingly decided to destroy it and start over! In 6 months I’m going to make it rain until the whole earth is covered with water just like before, and all the evil is destroyed; if not, I will wring it out like an old sponge. But rather than start from scratch, I’m still considering saving a few good people, and two of every kind of living thing on the planet. So I’m ordering you to build an Ark for this purpose.” And with a flash of lightning, He delivered the specs for an Ark.

“Yes Lord!” said Noah, trembling in fear and fumbling with the blueprints.

“Don’t forget!” thundered God’s voice, “In 6 months it starts to rain! You’d better have that Ark built or learn to tread water, indefinitely!”.

Six months passed. The skies began to cloud up and rain began to fall. The Lord saw that Noah was just sitting out in his yard in the rain, weeping. There was no sign of an Ark. “Noah!” shouted the Lord through the thunder and lightning, “Where is my Ark?!”

A sobbing Noah answered, “Lord, please forgive me! I did my best, but there were BIG problems. First I had to get a Building Permit for the Ark, and your plans didn’t meet the code. So I had to hire an engineer to re-draw the plans. You know how that goes.

“Then there was a huge upset about whether or not the Ark needed a fire sprinkler system. My neighbors objected, claiming I was violating zoning by building an Ark in my front yard, so I had to get a variance from the city council!

“Then, I couldn’t get enough wood for the Ark because some earth-sanctifying organizations have instigated a ban on cutting trees in order to save the spotted numbat. I had to convince the Department of Conservation and Land Management that I needed the wood so I could save the numbats; it was the only way out. But then they wouldn’t let me catch any numbats! So, no numbats.

“Then the carpenters formed a union and went out on strike. I had to negotiate a settlement with the Industrial Relations Commission before anyone would pick up a saw or a hammer. Now we have 16 carpenters going on the boat, but how am I to pay them? And still no numbats!

“When I realized the building of the Ark was stalled, I thought I could at least start gathering up pairs of animals, but I promptly got sued by an animal rights group. They insisted if the threat was real, I had to save ALL the animals, not just one pair of each. I just got that suit dismissed when the EPA notified me I couldn’t use the Ark, without filing an environmental impact statement on your proposed flood. They didn’t take kindly to the idea that they have no jurisdiction over the conduct of a Supreme Being that none of them personally knows to exist.

“Then the Royal Australian Army wanted a map of the proposed new flood plain. I sent them a globe. They returned it with a note that read, ‘As any fool can see, water will NOT adhere to a round globe; it will fall off.’

“Right now, I’m trying to resolve a complaint from the Equal Employment Opportunity Commission over how many Croatians I’m supposed to hire. Most of them are involved in some kind of uprising. In the meantime, the IRS has seized all my assets, claiming I’m trying to avoid paying taxes by leaving the country, and I just received a nasty notice from some state agency about owing them some kind of ‘use’ tax.

“I really don’t see any way I can finish your Ark for at least another five years!” Noah wailed. “Dear God, do you have a solution?”

Suddenly, the sky cleared! The sun came out! A rainbow arched across the heavens! Noah looked up and sighed with relief. “You mean you’re not going to destroy the earth after all?”

“No,” replied the Lord, “the government is doing it just fine, without any help from Me.”

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A man awoke one evening to discover prowlers in his storage shed. He immediately called 911, gave his address, to report the prowlers and possible burglary.
The operator at the other end said “Are they in your house?” He said they were not, only in his storage shed in back of the house. The operator said there were no cars available at that time.
He thanked the operator, hung up the phone and counted to 30 and called again. “I just called you about prowlers in my storage shed. Well you do not have to worry, as I just shot them all dead!”
Within seconds there were 3 police cars, an ambulance and fire engine at the scene.
After capturing the prowlers red-handed, the policeman asked the caller, “I thought you said you had shot them all!”
The man answered, “I thought you said there were no police available!”

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Sea Monkey Trivia

~Sea monkeys are a variety of brine shrimp called Artemia nyos.

~Sea monkeys breathe through their legs.

~Sea monkeys are born with one eye which they lose as adults.

~Sea Monkeys don’t have brains; they have groupings of nerves called “ganglia.”

~Sea monkeys are lovers, not fighters – reproduce sexually and asexually.

~Sea monkeys eggs can survive for years without water.

~Sea Monkey’s kidneys aren’t located in its abdomen, the way ours are. Its kidneys are located in its head!

~Sea monkeys have their own national day! And this is the day!

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QUIP OF THE DAY: We are all like one-winged angels. It is only when we help each other that we can fly.  – Luciano de Crescenzo

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .

What is life? A madness. What is life? An illusion, a shadow, a story. And the greatest good is little enough; for all life is a dream, and dreams themselves are only dreams. Pedro Calderon de la Barca