Jokes & Trivia for September 10, 2013

“For every minute you are angry you lose sixty seconds of happiness.” ― Ralph Waldo Emerson

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 10th – TUESDAY

253Rd day of 2013 with 112 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Sewing Machine Day (and June 13th)

*Swap Ideas Day

*TV Dinner Day

*National Honey Month

*Better Breakfast Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1836 Joseph Wheeler, Augusta, Georgia, military commander & politician (rare distinction of serving during war for opposing forces: first as cavalry general in Confederate States Army in Army of Tennessee during 1860s, then in U.S. Army in Spanish-American War; served many terms as U.S. Representative from Alabama)
  • 1839 Isaac Funk, Clifton, Ohio, minister / editor / publisher (Funk & Wagnalls company)
  • 1852 Hans Niels Andersen, Nakskov, Denmark, businessman (founder of the East Asiatic Company)
  • 1892 Arthur Compton, Wooster, Ohio, physicist (Nobel / discovery of the Compton effect)
  • 1898 Waldo Semon, Demopolis, Alabama, inventor (methods for making polyvinyl chloride useful, invented vinyl)
  • 1918 Rin Tin Tin, German Shepherd found by American serviceman, movie star (Man from Hell’s River, Where the North Begins, The Lightning Warrior) Succesors played in more movies and on television.
  • 1929 Arnold Palmer, Latrobe, Pennsylvania, golfer (The King / leading money winner in PGA for 1958, 1960, 1962 & 1963)
  • 1931 Philip Baker Hall, Toledo, Ohio, actor (Bending the Rules)
  • 1934 Charles Kuralt, Wilmington, North Carolina, journalist (“On the Road” segments on CBS News with Walter Cronkite; 1st anchor CBS News Sunday Morning)
  • 1934 Roger Maris, Hibbing, Minnesota, baseball right fielder (played 12 seasons in MLB, in 1961 broke Babe Ruth’s single-season home run record of 60 runs, record stood for 37 years)
  • 1945 Mike Mullane, Wichita Falls, Texas, retired USAF and NASA astronaut (flew 3 Space Shuttle missions: STS-41-D, STS-27, STS-36)
  • 1949 Bill O’Reilly, New York City, New York, television host, author, and political commentator (The O’Reilly Factor )
  • 1953 Amy Irving, Palo Alto, California, actress (Crossing Delancey, The Fury, Carrie)
  • 1954 Clark Johnson, Philadelphia, Pennsylvania, actor (The Dead Zone, Wild Thing, Adventures in Babysitting, Homicide: Life on the Street)
  • 1959 Peter Nelson, Los Angeles, California, actor (V, The Last Starfighter, The Expendables, Die Hard 2)
  • 1960 Colin Firth, English actor (Pride and Prejudice, The King’s Speech, Hope Springs, Nanny McPhee)
  • 1969 Johnathon Schaech, Edgewood, Maryland, actor (That Thing You Do!, Hush, Woundings, Angels Fall, Party of Five, Quarantine, Takers)
  • 1972 James Duval, Detroit, Michigan, actor (Miguel in Independence Day, Singh in Go)

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“Happiness is not something ready made. It comes from your own actions.” ― Dalai Lama XIV

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1608 John Smith is elected council president of Jamestown, Virginia.
  • 1776 Nathan Hale volunteers to spy for the Continental Army during the Revolutionary War.
  • 1798 At the Battle of St. George’s Caye, British Honduras defeats Spain.
  • 1813 The United States defeats the British Fleet at the Battle of Lake Erie during the War of 1812.
  • 1823 Simón Bolívar is named President of Peru.
  • 1846 Elias Howe is granted a patent for the sewing machine.
  • 1932 The New York City Subway’s third competing subway system, the municipally-owned IND, is opened.
  • 1937 Nine nations attend the Nyon Conference to address international piracy in the Mediterranean Sea.
  • 1946 Sister Teresa Bojaxhiu of the Loreto Sisters’ Convent claimed to have heard the call of God while riding a train to Darjeeling, directing her “to leave the convent and help the poor while living among them”. She was later known as Mother Teresa.
  • 1960 At the 1960 Summer Olympics in Rome, Abebe Bikila becomes the first sub-Saharan African to win a gold medal, winning the marathon in bare feet.
  • 1972 The United States suffers its first loss of an international basketball game in a disputed match against the Soviet Union at Munich, Germany.
  • 2001 Charles Ingram cheats his way into winning one million pounds on a British version of Who Wants to be a Millionaire.
  • 2001 Antonio da Costa Santos, mayor of Campinas, Brazil is assassinated.
  • 2002 Switzerland, traditionally a neutral country, joins the United Nations.
  • 2003 Anna Lindh, the foreign minister of Sweden, is fatally stabbed while shopping, and dies the following day.
  • 2007 Former Prime Minister of Pakistan Nawaz Sharif returns to Pakistan after seven years in exile, following a military coup in October 1999.
  • 2008 The Large Hadron Collider at CERN, described as the biggest scientific experiment in history is powered up in Geneva, Switzerland.

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A retired man who volunteers to entertain patients in nursing homes and hospitals went to one local hospital in Brooklyn and took his portable keyboard along. He told some jokes and sang some funny songs at patients’ bedsides.

When he finished he said, in farewell, “I hope you get better.”

One elderly gentleman replied, “I hope you get better, too.”

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On her way back from the concession stand, Julie asked a man at the end of the row, “Pardon me, but did I step on your foot a few minutes ago?”

Expecting an apology, the man said, “Indeed you did.”

Julie nodded, and noted, “Oh good. Then this is my row.”

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ONE-LINERS: Etch-A-Sketch Tech Support
Frequently Asked Questions for Etch-A-Sketch Technical Support

Q: My Etch-A-Sketch has all of these funny little lines all over the screen A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I turn my Etch-A-Sketch off? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What’s the shortcut for Undo? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I create a New Document window? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I set the background and foreground to the same color? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: What is the proper procedure for rebooting my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I delete a document on my Etch-A-Sketch? A: Pick it up and shake it.

Q: How do I save my Etch-A-Sketch document? A: Don’t shake it.

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A woman walked into the kitchen to find her husband stalking around with a fly swatter.

“What are you doing?” she asked.

“Hunting Flies,” he responded.

“Oh!, Killed any?” she asked.

“Yep, 3 males, 2 Females,” he replied.

Intrigued, she asked. “How can you tell?”

He responded, “3 were on a beer can, 2 were on the phone.”

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pic of the day: Maremma Sheepdog Puppy

 picture of Maremma puppy

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
Two police officers respond to a crime scene behind a grocery store. The homicide detective is already there.

“What happened?” asks the first officer.

“Male, about twenty-five, covered in Raisin Bran and dead as a doornail.”

“Good grief,” says the second officer. “Didn’t we have one covered in Frosted Flakes yesterday? And Captain Crunch last week?”

“You’re right. I’m afraid,” said the detective as he took a drag from his cigar, “this is the work of a cereal killer.”

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Newspaper Bloopers . . . Here are a few genuine news bloopers gleaned from American newspapers. These were taken from an article by Richard Lederer, author of “Anguished English.”

– On behalf of Barbara Rutledge and her family, our sincere thanks go out to those sending flowers, cards and contributing to the death of her husband.

– The airplane was only a few feet from the ground when it crashed, witnesses said.

– With the exception of victimless crimes (which need not concern us here), every single crime committed in this nation of ours involves a victim.

– A purple lady’s bicycle was missing from Serendipity Lane recently.

– Chairman Billings asked Board members to muster support from parent-teacher groups to support the governor’s task force on driving while intoxicated.

– He hasn’t even had his day in court yet, but Simon Wynne has been kicked off the ESU basketball team after being arrested and accused of driving a parked car while intoxicated.

– Montreal police don’t hesitate to use whatever laws, regulations or persuasion they feel they need to control morality in the city and prevent it from getting a foothold.

– A college friendship that began a year ago ended in matrimony yesterday.

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Lawyers are often the butt of jokes throughout the world. Here are some splendid examples, taken from stenographer’s transcripts of real court cases.

Q: Did you tell your lawyer that your husband had offered you indignities?
A: He didn�t offer me anything; he just said I could have the furniture.

Q: What is your name?
A: Geraldine McNally
Q: And what is your marital status?
A: Fair

Q: Are you married?
A: No, I’m divorced.
Q: And what did your husband do before you divorced him?
A: A lot of things I didn’t know about.

Q: Mrs. Warren, is your appearance this morning pursuant to a deposition notice which I sent to your solicitor?
A: No. This is how I always dress when I go to work.
Q: Did he pick the dog up by the ears?
A: No.
Q: What was he doing with the dog’s ears?
A: Picking them up in the air.
Q: Where was the dog at this time?
A: Attached to the ears.

Q: …and what did he do then?
A: He came home and next morning he was dead.
Q: So when he woke up the next morning he was dead?

Q: Could you see him from where you were standing?
A: I could see his head.
Q: And where was his head?
A: Just above his shoulders.
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QUIP OF THE DAY: Good advice is something a man gives when he is too old to set a bad example. – Francois de La Rochefoucauld

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.” ― Dale Carnegie, How to Win Friends and Influence People

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