Jokes & Trivia for September 13, 2013

“Dare to be strong and courageous. That is the road. Venture anything.” – Sherwood Anderson

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 13th – FRIDAY

256th day of 2013 with 109 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Defy Superstition Day

*Fortune Cookie Day

*National Peanut Day

*Positive Thinking Day

*Uncle Sam Day – his image was first used in 1813

*Snack A Pickle Time

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:
~ 1851 Walter Reed, Belroi, Virginia, physician and biologist (confirmed the theory that yellow fever is transmitted by mosquitoes, rather than by direct contact)
~ 1857 Milton S Hershey, Derry Church, Pennsylvania, chocolate manufacturer/philanthropist (Hershey Chocolates)
~ 1873 Constantin Carathéodory, Greek mathematician (Carathéodory theorems, Carathéodory conjecture)
~ 1886 Sir Robert Robinson, Derbyshire, England, chemist (Development of Organic synthesis)
~ 1911 Bill Monroe, Rosine, Kentucky, singer (Blue Grass Boys, “Father of Bluegrass”)
~ 1916 Roald Dahl, Cardiff Wales, Welsh writer, fighter ace (Charlie & the Chocolate Factory, James & the Giant Peach)
~ 1938 Judith Martin, Washington, D. C., etiquette writer (Miss Manners)
~ 1939 Richard Kiel, Detroit, Michigan, actor (The Spy Who Loved Me, Moonraker)
~ 1948 Nell Carter, Birmingham, Alabama, actress (Ain’t Misbehavin, Gimme a Break, Lobo)
~ 1948 Dimitri Nanopoulos, Athens, Greece, physicist (High energy physics)
~ 1949 Fred “Sonic” Smith, West Virginia, guitarist (MC5)
~ 1951 Jean Smart, Seattle, Washington, actress (Designing Women, 24, Kim Possible/voice for Dr. Possible, Samantha Who?)
~ 1952 Randy Jones, Raleigh, North Carolina, musician (The Village People)
~ 1960 Greg Baldwin, Grants, New Mexico, voice-over actor (Avatar: The Last Airbender, Jack M. Crazyfish in Spongebob Squarepants)
~ 1961 Dave Mustaine, La Mesa, CA, musician (ex-Metallica, Megadeth)
~ 1970 Jason Scott Sadofsky, Hopewell Junction, New York, programmer (archivist and historian of technology; creator, owner & maintainer of textfiles.com, a web site which archives files from historic bulletin board systems)
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“You educate a man; you educate a man. You educate a woman; you educate a generation.” – Brigham Young

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:
~ 1503 Michelangelo begins work on his statue of David.
~ 1504 Queen Isabella and King Ferdinand issue a Royal Warrant for the construction of a Royal Chapel (Capilla Real) to be built.
~ 1584 San Lorenzo del Escorial Palace in Madrid is finished.
~ 1609 Henry Hudson reached the river that would later be named after him – the Hudson River.
~ 1788 The United States’ Philadelphia Convention sets the date for the country’s first presidential election, and New York City becomes the temporary capital of the U.S..
~ 1848 Vermont railroad worker Phineas Gage incredibly survives a 3-foot-plus iron rod being driven through his head; the reported effects on his behavior and personality stimulate thinking about the nature of the brain and its functions.
~ 1850 First ascent of Piz Bernina, the highest summit of the eastern Alps.
~ 1862 Union soldiers find a copy of Robert E. Lee’s battle plans in a field outside Frederick, Maryland during the Civil War. It is the prelude to the Battle of Antietam.
~ 1898 Hannibal Williston Goodwin patents celluloid photographic film.
~ 1899 Henry Bliss is the first person in the United States to be killed in an automobile accident.
~ 1906 First fixed-wing aircraft flight in Europe.
~ 1948 Margaret Chase Smith is elected senator, and becomes the first woman to serve in both the U.S. House of Representatives and the United States Senate.
~ 1956 IBM introduces the first computer disk storage unit, the RAMAC 305.
~ 1969 The premiere episode of “Scooby-Doo, Where Are You?” with episode entitled, “What a Night for a Knight”
~ 1985 Nintendo releases its smash-hit Super Mario Bros., the best selling video game of all time (25th anniversary today!)
~ 2008 Hurricane Ike makes landfall on the Texas Gulf Coast of the United States, causing heavy damage to Galveston Island, Houston and surrounding areas.
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The manager of a small jewelry store was having a conversation with a bride-to-be and noticed her stunning engagement ring. “So,” he asked, have you looked for any wedding bands yet?

“Oh, no. I think that we’re going with a DJ.”

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My family physician told me of an incident that actually happened to him back in the early days of his practice. He said a woman brought her baby to see him, and he determined right away that the baby had an earache. He wrote a prescription for ear drops. In the directions he wrote, “Put two drops in right ear every four hours” abbreviating “right” as an R with a circle around it.

Several days passed, and the woman returned with her baby, complaining that the baby still had an earache, and his little behind was getting really greasy with all those drops of oil.

The doctor looked at the bottle of ear drops and sure enough, the pharmacist had typed the instructions on the label as: “Put two drops in R ear every four hours.”

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ONE-LINERS: Late Night Qups
~ A new survey found Americans clicked on Miley Cyrus stories 12 times more often than stories about Syria and President Assad. Well, that makes sense. Wouldn’t you rather watch a twerk than a jerk? – Jay Leno

~Apple announced a much lower-priced iPhone. It’s so low budget, you can ask Siri a question only after she gets off her second job as a waitress. – Conan O’Brien

~New York kids are back in school. I was taunted and bullied when I was a kid at school. The janitors hated me. I used to have to walk to school in a shark cage. My son is in the fourth grade and the academic regimen they have these kids on is pretty rigorous. My son is studying wills and estate law — in a shark cage! – David Letterman

~The United Nations unveiled their list of the happiest places on earth. Doesn’t the United Nations have stuff to do? Aren’t things a little bit tense right now? The U.N. list of the happiest places on earth does not include Disneyland. Goofy is peeved. He’s like, “I’m going to bomb Syria. Well, maybe. Let’s see what Putin says.” – Craig Ferguson

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The new bride called her mother in tears. “Oh, Mom, I tried to make Grandma’s meatloaf for dinner tonight, and it’s just awful! I followed the recipe exactly, and I know I have the recipe right because it’s the one you gave me. But it just didn’t come out right, and I’m so upset. I wanted this to be so special for Jim because he loves meatloaf. What could have gone wrong?”

“Well, dear, let’s go through the recipe. You read it out loud and tell me exactly what you did at each step, and together we’ll figure it
out.”

“Okay. It starts out, ‘Take fifty cents worth of ground beef …'”

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pic of the day: Horses!

horses

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
I had a dream the other night. I was in the old West riding in a stagecoach. Suddenly, a man on a horse pulls up to the left side of the wagon, and a riderless horse pulls up on the right.

The man leans down, pulls open the door, and jumps off his horse into the stagecoach. Then he opens the door on the other side and jumps onto the other horse.

Just before he rode off, I yelled out, “What was all that about?”

He replied, “Nothing, it’s just a stage I’m going through.”

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The trucker came into a truck stop cafe and placed his order with the new waitress.

He said, “I want three flat tires, a pair of headlights and pair of running boards.”

The brand new waitress, not wanting to appear stupid, went to the kitchen and said to the cook, “This guy out there just ordered three flat tires, a pair of headlights and a pair of running boards. What does he think this place is, an auto parts store?”

“No,” the cook said. “Three flat tires mean three pancakes; a pair of headlights is two eggs, sunny side up; and running boards are two slices of crisp bacon.”

“Oh, okay!” said the blonde. She thought about it for a moment and then spooned up a bowl of beans and gave it to the customer. The trucker asked, “What are the beans for?”

She replied, “I thought while you were waiting for the flat tires, headlights and running boards, you might as well gas up!”

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Would you like to join …

The Yoko club?
Oh no.

The German philosophy club?
I. Kant.

The Ford-Nixon club?
Pardon me?

The Arafat club?
Yessir.

The Ebert movie club?
Roger.

The Groucho Marx club?
You bet your life.

The Peter Pan club?
Never. Never.

The Japanese theater club?
Noh.

The quarterback club?
I’ll pass.

The compulsive rhymers club?
Okey-dokey.

The Spanish optometrists club?
Si.

The anti-perspirant club?
Sure.

The procrastinators club?
Maybe next week.

The Self-Esteem Builders?
No – they probably wouldn’t accept me anyway.

The Agoraphobics Society?
Only if they meet at my house.

The Co-Dependence Club?
Can I bring a friend?

The Prayer Group?
God willing!

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: Triskaidekaphobia (from Greek tris meaning “3”, kai meaning “and”, deka meaning “10” and phobos meaning “fear” or “morbid fear”) is fear of the number 13 and avoidance to use it; it is a superstition and related to a specific fear of Friday the 13th, called paraskevidekatriaphobia (from Παρασκευή Paraskevi, Greek for Friday) or friggatriskaidekaphobia (after Frigg, the Norse goddess Friday is named after in English).

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Teamwork is essential; it allows you to blame someone else.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“This above all: to thine own self be true,
And it must follow, as the night the day,
Thou canst not then be false to any man.”
― William Shakespeare, Hamlet

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