Jokes & Trivia for September 17, 2013

“Never be bullied into silence. Never allow yourself to be made a victim. Accept no one’s definition of your life; define yourself.” – Robert Frost

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 17th – TUESDAY

260th day of 2013 with 105 follow.

Holidays for Today:

*National Apple Dumpling Day

*Citizenship Day

*Constitution Day

*Hispanic Heritage Month (Sept. 15 – Oct. 15)

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1677 Stephen Hales, English physiologist, chemist, and inventor (major contributions to a range of scientific fields including botany, pneumatic chemistry and physiology; invented forceps)
  • 1826 Bernhard Riemann, German mathematician (contributions to analysis, number theory and differential geometry, some of them enabling the later development of general relativity)
  • 1854 David Dunbar Buick, Scottish-born American, inventor (Founded Buick Motor company)
  • 1857 Konstantin Tsiolkovsky, Russian Empire, rocket scientist (considered to be one of the founding fathers of rocketry and astronautics)
  • 1907 Warren E. Burger, Saint Paul, Minnesota, former Chief Justice of the U.S. (1969-1986)
  • 1916 Mary Stewart, Sunderland, County Durham, English author (The Merlin Chronicles, The Moon-Spinners)
  • 1928 Roddy McDowall, British actor (My Friend Flicka, Lassie Come Home, Planet of the Apes, Cleopatra, Evil Under the Sun, Bedknobs & Broomsticks, A Bug’s Life)
  • 1929 Pat Crowley, Olyphant, Pennsylvania, actress (Please Don’t Eat the Daisies tv series, Generations, Port Charles, 61*)
  • 1930 Edgar Mitchell, Hereford, Texas, pilot and retired NASA astronaut (6th person to walk on the moon – spent 9 hours on lunar surface as lunar module pilot of Apollo 14)
  • 1930 Thomas Patten Stafford, Weatherford, Oklahoma, test pilot, consultant, former NASA astronaut (2 Gemini flights, commander of Apollo 10 – 2nd manned mission to orbot moon, commander of Apollo-Soyuz flight / Gemini 6A, Gemini 9A, Apollo 10, ASTP)
  • 1931 Anne Bancroft, The Bronx, New York, actress (The Miracle Worker, The Graduate, Agnes of God, Young Winston, Antz, The Roman Spring of Mrs. Stone)
  • 1932 Robert B. Parker, Springfield, Massachusetts, author (Spenser series: Promised Land & 39 others; Jesse Stone series: Night Passage, Trouble in Paradise, and 7 others)
  • 1935 Ken Kesey, La Junta, Colorado, author (One Flew Over the Cuckoo’s Nest, Caverns)
  • 1947 Jeff MacNelly, NYC, New York, cartoonist (Shoe)
  • 1948 John Ritter, Burbank, California, actor (Three’s Company, 8 Simple Rules, Clifford the Big Red Dog)
  • 1962 BeBe Winans, Detroit, Michigan, gospel and R&B singer (Winans family)
  • 1963 William Shockley, Lawrence, Kansas, actor (Dr. Quinn Medicine Woman, Treasure Raiders)
  • 1965 Kyle Chandler, Buffalo, New York, actor (Early Edition, Super 8, Friday Night Lights, Homefront)
  • 1975 Austin St. John, Roswell, New Mexico, actor and martial artist (Power Rangers)
  • 1975 Jimmie Johnson, El Cajon, California, NASCAR race car driver (NASCAR Cup Series Champion for 5 years)

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“I can be changed by what happens to me. But I refuse to be reduced by it.” – Maya Angelou

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1630 The city of Boston, Massachusetts is founded.
  • 1787 The United States Constitution is signed in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1814 Francis Scott Key finishes his poem “Defence of Fort McHenry”, later to be the lyrics of “The Star-Spangled Banner”.
  • 1908 Lieutenant Thomas Selfridge a passenger in the Wright Flyer flown by Orville Wright, becomes the first airplane fatality when it crashes and he is killed.
  • 1920 The American Professional Football Association (later renamed National Football League) is organized in Canton, Ohio, United States.
  • 1961 The Civic Arena opens in Pittsburgh. It is the world’s first retractable-dome stadium.
  • 1976 The first Space Shuttle, Enterprise, is unveiled by NASA.
  • 1983 Vanessa Williams becomes the first black Miss America.
  • 1991 The first version of the Linux kernel (0.01) is released to the Internet.
  • 2001 The New York Stock Exchange reopens for trading after the September 11 Attacks, the longest closure since the Great Depression.
  • 2006 Fourpeaked Mountain in Alaska erupts, marking the first eruption for the long-dormant volcano in at least 10,000 years.
  • 2007 AOL, once the largest ISP in the U.S., officially announces plans to refocus the company as an advertising business and to relocate its corporate headquarters from Dulles, Virginia to New York, New York.
  • 2011 Occupy Wall Street movement begins in Zucotti Park, New York City.

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I was sitting around feeling semi-miserable when my husband asked if ice cream would make me feel better. We had two flavors in the freezer and he asked which one I wanted.

I said “surprise me.”

About a minute later he came running out of the kitchen with his shirt pulled over his head, wearing a “Scream” mask, wielding a serving spoon and shouting “Aahhhhhhh!!!”

Once he was satisfied that I was thoroughly surprised, he handed me a bowl of chocolate chip ice cream.

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Milk is spoiled when it starts to look like yogurt.

Yogurt is spoiled when it starts to look like
cottage cheese.

Cottage cheese is spoiled when it starts to look
like cheddar cheese.

Cheddar cheese is spoiled when it starts to look
like bleu cheese but you never bought bleu cheese.

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ONE-LINERS:

~Yesterday I had to change a light bulb. After that I crossed the road and walked into a bar. That was when I realized my life is a joke.

~I’ve tried a dozen of those “Honk if you …” bumper stickers, and nobody ever honked. To fix that, now I slam on my brakes so the car behind me can better read my sticker. And it works — they almost always honk now.

~Say what you will about Detroit: “Motown” is the only city so cool its nickname has a nickname.

~I don’t like the idea of killing any of God’s creatures, so when I clean my bathroom with Lysol, I dilute it. That way, the germs don’t die, they just stumble around and throw up and stuff.

~A senior in my high school class was always in trouble, both at home and at school, and he was getting fed up. “That’s it! I’m tired of people telling me what to do,” he announced at the end of class one day. “As soon as I graduate, I’m joining the Marines!”

~My new car has an on-board computer. One Sunday morning when I got into the car to drive to church the digital display lit up. Glancing at the readout, I chuckled at the announcement, “Time for service.”

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The young woman had gone off on a round-the-world trip to find love and adventure. Her mother met her at the airport when she returned. As the young woman came out of the jetway the mother noticed the man directly behind her. He was dressed in feathers with exotic markings all over his body and was carrying a shrunken head.

The daughter said, “Mom, I want you to meet my new husband!”

The mother gasped in disbelief and screamed, “I said you should marry a RICH doctor!”

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pic of the day: Jerusalem Artichoke Blooms & Bee

picture of yellow flowers & bee

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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

~I have discovered that the flu is both affirmative and negative. Sometimes the eyes have it and sometimes the nose.

~I prefer sunbathing in Mexico. Yucatan much easier there.

~Cars may have welded bodies, but there are still plenty of nuts in them.

~Dear Algebra, Please stop asking us to find your “X”. She’s never coming back. Don’t ask “Y”.

~No-Fault Insurance: A policy that does not cover earthquakes.

~There was a tragic incident at the circus. The ringmaster was run over by a truck carrying the world’s fattest man, the lobster boy and the bearded lady. It was a freak accident.

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Recently, I was traveling with my parents in their new car. When we hit a wide open expanse of highway my dad leaned back and said, “I think I’ll let Tom drive for a while.”

“Tom who”? I asked.

“Tom Cruise, of course.”

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I recently started with a new primary care doctor.  After two visits and exhaustive lab tests, he said I was doing “fairly well’ for my age.

A little concerned about that comment, I asked him, “Do you think I’ll live to be 90?”

He asked, “Do you smoke tobacco or drink beer, wine or hard liquor?

“Oh no. I’m not doing drugs, either.”

“Do you eat steaks and barbecued ribs?”

“Not much … I try to stay away from red meat.”

“Do you spend a lot of time in the sun, like playing golf, boating, sailing, hiking, or bicycling?”

“No, I don’t.”

“Do you gamble or drive fast cars?”

“No, not at all.”

“Then why would you want to live to 90?”

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CHILDREN ON SCIENCE

It is so hot in some parts of the world that the people there have to live in other places.

Most books now say our sun is a star. But it still knows how to change into a sun in the daytime.

Vacuums are nothings. We only mention them to let them know we know they are there.

Cyanide is so poisonous that one drop of it on a dog’s tongue will kill the strongest man.

Rain is saved up in cloud banks.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: Sometimes I wonder if men and women really suit each other. Perhaps they should live next door and just visit now and then. – Katharine Hepburn

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . .
“It isn’t what you have or who you are or where you are or what you are doing that makes you happy or unhappy. It is what you think about it.” – Dale Carnegie

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