September 19, 2014

We cannot direct the wind but we can adjust the sails. ~Author Unknown

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 19th -FRIDAY

262nd day of 2014 with 103 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*International Talk Like A Pirate Day

pirate

*National Butterscotch Pudding Day

*POW/MIA Recognition Day – Third Friday of September

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1749 Jean Baptiste Joseph Delambre, French mathematician (director of the Paris Observatory, and author of well-known books on the history of astronomy from ancient times to the 18th century)
  • 1900 Ricardo Cortez, New York City, New York, actor (Montana Moon, The Maltese Falcon, The Big Shakedown)
  • 1910 Jack Dunham, Bismarck, North Dakota, animator and television producer (worked for Walt Disney Animation Studios and Walter Lantz Productions)
  • 1910 Margaret Lindsay, Dubuque, Iowa, actress (Jezebel, Scarlet Street, The House of the Seven Gables, Ellery Queen series)
  • 1911 William Golding, Cornwall, UK, author / poet / playwright (Lord of the Flies, Rites of Passage)
  • 1922 Damon Knight, Baker, Oregon, science fiction author / editor (To Serve Man, Beyond the Barrier, Mind Switch, CV, The Observers)
  • 1926 James Lipton, Detroit, Michigan, actor, writer and host of Inside the Actors Studio
  • 1928 Adam West, Walla Walla, Washington, actor (Batman TV series , The Fairly OddParents, Family Guy )
  • 1933 David McCallum, Jr., Glasgow, Scotland, actor / musician (Illya Kuryakin / The Man from U.N.C.L.E., Dr. Donald “Ducky” Mallard / NCIS)
  • 1934 Brian Epstein, Liverpool, England, English musical group manager (The Beatles)
  • 1940 Paul Williams, Omaha, Nebraska, composer (Three Dog Night’s “An Old Fashioned Love Song”, Helen Reddy’s “You and Me Against the World”, and the Carpenters’ “We’ve Only Just Begun” and “Rainy Days and Mondays “)
  • 1941 Mama Cass Elliot, Baltimore, Maryland, singer (The Mamas & the Papas)
  • 1949 Twiggy (Lesley Hawson), London, England, model / singer – The Face of 1966 (America’s Next Top Model)
  • 1960 Mario Batali, Seattle, Washington, chef / writer / media personality (Iron Chef America, Mediterranean Mario)
  • 1964 Trisha Yearwood, Monticello, Georgia, singer (She’s in Love with the Boy )
  • 1974 Jimmy Fallon, Jr., Brooklyn, New York, actor / comedian (Saturday Night Live, Late Night with Jimmy Fallon)
  • 1977 Danny Forster, American architect, television host, and producer (Extreme Engineering / Science Channel)

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To err is human. To ARRR is pirate.

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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1778 The Continental Congress passes the first budget of the United States.
  • 1796 George Washington’s farewell address is printed across America as an open letter to the public.
  • 1862 American Civil War: Battle of Iuka – Union troops under General William Rosecrans defeat a Confederate force commanded by General Sterling Price.
  • 1863 American Civil War: Battle of Chickamauga.
  • 1881 U.S. President James A. Garfield dies of wounds suffered in a July 2 shooting.
  • 1952 The United States bars Charlie Chaplin from re-entering the country after a trip to England.
  • 1957 First American underground nuclear bomb test.
  • 1959 Nikita Khrushchev is barred from visiting Disneyland.
  • 1961 Betty and Barney Hill claim that they saw a mysterious craft in the New Hampshire sky, and were abducted for a few hours.
  • 1970 The first Glastonbury Festival is held at Michael Eavis’s farm in Glastonbury, United Kingdom.
  • 1981 Simon & Garfunkel reunite for a free concert in New York’s Central Park.
  • 1995 The Washington Post and The New York Times publish the Unabomber’s manifesto.
  • 2011 Mariano Rivera of the New York Yankees surpasses Trevor Hoffman to become Major League Baseball’s all time saves leader with 602.

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So this pirate walks into a bar and sits next to a drunken wench.

The wench looks him over and says, “Nice pirate outfit. Where’d you get your earrings?”

The pirate says, “Arr, I bought one from the dollar store on the other side of town and I got the other from the dollar store across the street.”

So the wench exclaims, “Wow! Not bad for a buck-an-ear!”

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A pirate had a parrot that wouldn’t stop swearing. He tried everything. Finally one day, when the parrot started swearing, he threw it into the freezer and left it there for over an hour.

Finally, the pirate retrieved his parrot from the freezer. The parrot came out, shaken, and said “I promise, I’ll be good from now on. But, I have just one question… What did the turkey do?????”

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ONE-LINERS: Top 10 things overheard at the dinner table that show your child is quickly becoming a pirate. . .

(10) “You can flog me, but I’m not eating creamed spinach.”

(9) “I’ve buried me treasure in the mashed potatoes.”

(8) “I’ll need another ration of grog if you expect me to eat these peas.”

(7) “Your tuna noodle casserole would be perfect to fill cracks in the deck.”

(6) “This chicken tastes like the parrot I was forced to eat after being marooned on an island for 30 days.”

(5) “I wouldn’t serve brussel sprouts to even the prisoners in the brig.”

(4) “If I eat all my food, can I plunder the neighbors before I go to bed?”

(3) “This burger is fatty enough to grease a mast.”

(2) “Too many vegetables – too little shark.”

(1) “What did they do with the last cook’s body after he was hung from the yardarm?”
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A guy walks into a pub with a t-shirt that says “Pirates are stupid for 3 reasons!” He walks up to the bar, orders an ale. and sits down. He no more than gets his quaff when a smelly old sot comes up to him and says, “Aaargh, thar, matey! What’s that yer shirt be sayin’ thar?”

The guy looks around, looks the man straight in the eyes (well, in his one good eye, anyway), and says “Reason number 1 — Pirates can’t read!” Then he turns around to enjoy his beverage.

Not used to this sort of disrespect, the surly gent takes his hooked arm, lays it aggressively on the man’s shoulder, and slowly says, “What’s that ye be sayin’ thar, sonny-boy?”

The guy looks around again, looks his aggressor square in the eye this time, and enunciates, “Rea-son num-ber 2 — Pirates can’t hear!” And again, he turns around to face the bar.

Well, by this time, the old codger has had enough. He backs up, pulls his sword, and growls, “Aaaaargh, ye bilge rat, that be enuff of yer sass! Stand up and fight, ye lubber, yer soon to be acquainted with Davy Jones, his-self!”

With that, the guy stands up, pulls his pistol, and shoots the pirate dead through his one good eye. He drops his head as he watches him fall, sighs, and says, “Reason #3 — You pirates are constantly bringing swords to gunfights!”

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In honor of Talk Like a Pirate Day. . .

pirate2From Savage Chickens
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!

On a pirate ship in high seas, the First Mate was on lookout for hazards from the crow’s nest. Suddenly, the ship was broadsided by a rogue wave, tossing the Mate from the nest! He crashed through the upper deck and landed square into the Captain’s quarters. The Captain, surprised, says “Matey, ye be hurt!?”

“Narrrr Cap’n,” replied the First Mate, “I’ve been through hardships before!”

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A pirate goes to the doctor to figure out why his waist hurts so much.

The doctor examines him, then comes to the conclusion.

“Captain, my diagnosis is this. You have Hempatitus.”

The captain is awash with fear!

“Argh, how can this be? I’ve only been with good clean wenches me whole life!”

“No!” replies the doctor. “You have hempatitus. The hemp rope holding up your pants is too tight! You’ve got Hemp-a-titus!”

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A pirate walks into a bar wearing a paper towel on his head. He sits down at the bar and orders some dirty rum.

The bartender asks, “Why are you wearing a paper towel?”

“Arrr…” says the pirate. “I’ve got a bounty on me head!”

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A pirate walks into a bar. It’s a strange looking pirate. The bartender asks him,

“Hey, what’s with the green skin and pointy ears?”

The pirate says…
“I’m from MARRRRRRRRRRS!!”

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Once there was a retired pirate so he decides to live with his brother.

The pirate walks up to his brothers house and knocks on the door and his brother answers the door and says, “Oh my gosh , what happened to your hand!?! ”

The pirate said, “I lost it in a sword fight , but now I have a hook.”

Then the brother said, “What about your leg?”

The pirate said, “A cannonball hit it , but now I have a peg leg .”

Then the brother said, “Well , what about your eye?”

The pirate said, “I got some dust in it .”

The brother said, “How could you lose your eye by just getting some dust in it?”

Then the pirate said, “It was my first day with my hook!

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TODAY IN TRIVIA: What’s the name of the flag that sailed atop many pirate ships?  The Jolly Roger, with an image of skull and crossbones.

~ Were all pirate flags black and white?  No, they also used an all red flag that meant death to all who saw it, as the pirates would show no mercy in the coming battle.

~ What was the read name of the famous pirate Blackbeard?  Edward Teach.

~ What’s a powder monkey on a pirate ship? Small boys on pirate ships were often given a job of cleaning and loading guns during battle, earning them the title of “powder monkey”.  If they survived, they were eventually promoted to gunner’s mate or gunner.

~ On which Caribbean Island is Port Royal?  Jamaica.  The city of Port Royal was famous for “Gallows Point” where numerous pirate were hanged.  Port Royal is opposite Kingston in the same harbor of Jamaica.  Gallows Point was one of the first points of land visible when entering port.  The gallows were placed there to discourage piracy, as bodies were left there as a warning once the pirates were hanged.

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “There comes a time in a man’s life when he hears the call of the sea. If the man has a brain in his head, he will hang up the phone immediately.” – Dave Barry

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . “There is no shortage of well-known pirates, including: Henry Morgan, Captain Kidd, Blackbeard, Blue beard, Yellowbeard, and Yellow beard with Black Roots, who surmised that, if blondes have more fun, then blond pirates must have a heck of a lot more fun.” ― Cuthbert Soup

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