September 4, 2014

There is magic in long-distance friendships. They let you relate to other human beings in a way that goes beyond being physically together and is often more profound. – Diana Cortes

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 4th – THURSDAY

247th day of 2014 with 118 to follow.

Holidays for Today:
*National Macadamia Nut Day

*Newspaper Carrier Day

*Classical Music Month

*Little League Month

*National Piano Month

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BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1803 Sarah Childress Polk, Murfreesboro, Tennessee, wife of James K. Polk, 12th First Lady of the United States
  • 1906 Max Delbrück, Berlin, German biologist (Nobel / discovering that bacteria become resistant to viruses (phages) as a result of genetic mutations)
  • 1913 Stanford Moore, Chicago, Illinois, biochemist (Nobel / ribonuclease structure & connection between chemical structure & catalytic activity of ribonuclease)
  • 1918 Paul Harvey, Tulsa, Oklahoma, broadcaster (Rest of the Story)
  • 1924 Joan Aiken, English writer (Wolves Chronicles, Arabel & Mortimer series)
  • 1927 John McCarthy, Boston, Massachusetts, computer scientist (invented term AI (artificial intelligence), Lisp programming)
  • 1928 Dick York, Fort Wayne, Indiana, actor (Darrin on Bewitched, Inherit the Wind, Going My Way)
  • 1931 Mitzi Gaynor, Chicago, Illinois, actress /singer / dancer (There’s No Business Like Show Business, Les Girls, Anything Goes, South Pacific)
  • 1951 Judith Ivy, El Paso, Texas, actress & director (Designing Women, Miles from Home, The Woman in Red, The Devil’s Advocate, Flags of Our Fathers)
  • 1957 Patricia Tallman, Pontiac, Illinois, actress / stuntwoman (Babylon 5, Dead Air, InAlienable, Atlas Shrugged: Part II)
  • 1969 Kristen Wilson, Chelmsford, Massachusetts, actress (West Side Story )
  • 1969 Noah Taylor, British-born Australian actor (Shine, Lara Croft: Tomb Raider, Vanilla Sky, Max)
  • 1975 Kai Owen, Welsh actor (Rhys Williams in Torchwood)
  • 1978 Wes Bentley, Jonesboro, Arkansas, actor (American Beauty, Ghost Rider, There Be Dragons, The Hunger Games)
  • 1981 Beyoncé Knowles, Houston, Texas, singer and actress (Destiny’s Child)
  • 1981 Lacey Sturm, Arlington, Texas, singer (Flyleaf)
  • 1982 Whitney Cummings, Washington, D.C., comedian and actress (2 Broke Girls )

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“We cannot change the cards we are dealt, just how we play the hand.” ― Randy Pausch
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HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1666 In London, England, the most destructive damage from the Great Fire occurs.
  • 1774 New Caledonia is first sighted by Europeans, during the second voyage of Captain James Cook.
  • 1781 Los Angeles, California, is founded as El Pueblo de Nuestra Señora La Reina de los Ángeles de Porciúncula (The Village of Our Lady, the Queen of the Angels of Porziuncola) by 44 Spanish settlers.
  • 1888 George Eastman registers the trademark Kodak and receives a patent for his camera that uses roll film.
  • 1923 Maiden flight of the USS Shenandoah, the first U.S. airship.
  • 1950 Darlington Raceway is the site of the inaugural Southern 500, the first 500-mile NASCAR race.
  • 1951 The first live transcontinental television broadcast takes place in San Francisco, California, from the Japanese Peace Treaty Conference.
  • 1972 Mark Spitz becomes the first competitor to win seven medals at a single Olympic Games.
  • 1977 The Golden Dragon Massacre took place in San Francisco, California.
  • 1985 The discovery of Buckminsterfullerene, the first fullerene molecule of carbon.
  • 1989 In Leipzig, East Germany, the first of weekly demonstration for the legalization of opposition groups and democratic reforms takes place.
  • 1996 War on Drugs: Revolutionary Armed Forces of Colombia (FARC) attack a military base in Guaviare, starting three weeks of guerrilla warfare in which at least 130 Colombians are killed.
  • 1998 Google is founded by Larry Page and Sergey Brin, two students at Stanford University.

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Our building’s elevator malfunctioned, leaving several of us stranded between floors. Seeing a sign that listed an emergency phone number, I dialed it and explained our situation. After what seemed to be a very long silence, the voice on the other end said, “I don’t know what I can do for you; I’m a psychologist.”

“A psychologist?!? Your phone is listed as the emergency number for elevator problems. Can’t you help us?”

“Well,” he finally responded in a measured tone. “How do you feel about being stuck in an elevator?”

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There once were two Irishmen, named Shawn and Pat, who were the best of friends. During one particular night of revelry, the two agreed that when one passed on, the other would take and spill the contents of a bottle of fine, Irish whiskey over the grave of the fondly missed and recently dead friend.

And as fate would have it, Shawn would be the first to pass. Pat, hearing of his friend’s illness, came to visit his dear friend one last time. “Shawn,” said Pat, “can you hear me?”

Faintly, Shawn replied, “Yes, Paddy, I can.” Bashfully, Pat started, “Do you remember our pact, Shawn?”

“Yes, I do Patty,” Shawn strained. “And, you’ll also remember that I was to pour the contents of a fine, old bottle of whiskey over your grave, which we have been saving for, going on 30 years now?” said Pat.

“Yes Patty, I do,” whispered Shawn.

“It’s a very “old” bottle now, you know,” urged Pat. “And what are you gettin’ at Pat?” asked Shawn, briskly.

“Well Shawn, when I pour the whiskey over your grave, would ya mind if I filter it through my kidneys first?

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ONE-LINERS: Late Night Quips. . .
~ It’s Labor Day. How do we celebrate? Immigrant working. It’s the day we say “Thank you” to the typical American worker. So, “Gracias.” (Craig Ferguson)
~ It’s a big holiday today. President Obama spent the day golfing. Then he remembered it was a holiday. (Craig Ferguson)
~ The weather is changing in L.A. It is hot here. How hot is it? Just yesterday, the cloud started raining nude celebrities. (Craig Ferguson)
~ In case you haven’t heard, there are nude celebrities all over the Internet. I never thought I’d see the day. Someone hacked “the cloud.” The cloud is something I don’t really understand. It’s like whatever language Honey Boo Boo speaks. (Craig Ferguson)
~ Disney’s stock just reached a new high this week of $90.37 a share. That’s when you know tickets to Disney World are too expensive — when it’s actually cheaper to own part of the company. (Jimmy Fallon)
~ A new study found that having a big wedding boosts your chance of having a good marriage. While having a destination wedding boosts your chance of having friends who hate you. (Jimmy Fallon)
~The Duggars from “19 Kids and Counting” just announced that their daughter Jill is expecting her first child. In a statement, the Duggars said, “We’re excited to meet the baby and welcome him into our army — family! We mean family.” (Jimmy Fallon)
~ The Obama administration announced it is going to require colleges and vocational schools to demonstrate that they are properly preparing students for jobs after college. So don’t be surprised if your chemistry class tomorrow is all about how to make a cappuccino. (Seth Meyers)

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A mid-level executive was so frustrated at being passed over for promotion year after year, that, in frustration, he went to a brain-transplant center in the hope of raising his I.Q. 20 points.

After a battery of physical and psychological tests, he was told by the center’s director that he was an acceptable candidate.

“That’s great!” the executive said. “But I understand that this procedure can be really expensive.”

“Yes, sir, it can,” the director replied. “An ounce of accountant’s brain for example, costs one thousand dollars; an ounce of an economist’s brain costs two thousand; an ounce of a corporate president’s is forty-five thousand. An ounce of a politician’s brain is seventy-five thousand dollars.”

“Seventy-five thousand dollars for an ounce of a politician’s brain? Why on earth is that?”

“Do you have any idea,” the director asked, “how many politicians we would have to kill?”

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pic of the day: Water Lily in Pond

PICTURE OF WATER LILY
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WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ Some people don’t have the Vegas idea of how to quit gambling.
~ A little girl who was always talking was nicknamed ‘little miss information’.
~ California is the land of earthquakes and suntans or ‘shake and bake’.
~ As a police officer he was usually off-beat.
~ Encyclopedias are loud. They speak volumes.
~ A lawyer held a huge briefcase in his hand during the enire trial, but finally he rested his case.
~ My job as head chef at a top rated restaurant is in jeopardy because my latest culinary creation was called a recipe for disaster.
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As our plane was flying over Arizona on a clear day, the pilot was providing us with a running commentary over the PA system about landmarks. “Coming up on the right, you can see the Meteor Crater, which is a major tourist attraction in northern Arizona. It was formed 50,000 years ago when a lump of nickel and iron roughly 150 feet in diameter and weighing 300,000 tons struck the earth at about 40,000 miles an hour, scattering white-hot debris for miles in every direction. The hole measures nearly a mile across and is 570 feet deep.”

The gooberette lady sitting next to me exclaimed: “Wow, look! It just barely missed the highway!”

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Rushing to work, I was driving too fast and as a result was pulled over by the highway patrol. The state trooper noticed that my shirt had the name of a local high school on it. “I teach math there,” I explained.

The trooper smiled, and said, “Okay, here’s a problem. A teacher is speeding down the highway at 16 m.p.h. over the limit. At $12 for every mile, plus $40 court costs, plus the rise in her insurance, what’s her total cost?”

I replied, “Taking that total, subtracting the low salary I receive, multiplying by the number of kids who hate math, then adding to that the fact that none of us would be anywhere without teachers, I’d say zero.”

He handed me back my license. “Math was never my favorite subject,” he admitted. “Please slow down.”

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Interview with a 101-year-old woman:
“What is the secret of your longevity?”

“For better digestion I drink beer. In case of appetite loss I drink white wine. For low blood pressure I drink
red wine. I drink scotch for high blood pressure, and when I have a cold I drink schnapps.”

“Do you ever drink water?”

“I’ve never been *that* sick.”

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QUIP OF THE DAY: “People are more violently opposed to fur than leather because it’s safer to harass rich women than motorcycle gangs.”

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . A person without a sense of humor is like a wagon without springs. It’s jolted by every pebble on the road – Henry Ward Beecher.

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