September 5, 2014

The true secret of giving advice is, after you have honestly given it, to be perfectly indifferent whether it is taken or not, and never persist in trying to set people right. – Hannah Whitall Smith

TODAY – SEPTEMBER 5th – FRIDAY

248th day of 2014 with 117 to follow.

Holidays for Today:

*Be Late for Something Day

*National Cheese Pizza Day

*Fall Hat Month

*International Square Dancing Month

*National Blueberry Popsicle Month
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

BIRTHDAYS ON THIS DATE:

  • 1735 Johann Christian Bach, Germany, composer (son of Johann Sebastian Bach)
  • 1818 Edmund Kennedy, Australian explorer and surveyor (New South Wales, Queensland)
  • 1847 Jesse James, Kearney, Missouri, legendary outlaw of the Wild West (James-Younger Gang, bank & train robber)
  • 1873 Cornelius Vanderbilt III, New York City, New York, inventor, engineer, soldier
  • 1897 Morris Carnovsky, St. Louis, Missouri, actor (Rhapsody in Blue, Saigon, Cyarno de Bergerac, The Gambler)
  • 1916 Frank Yerby, Augusta, Georgia, historical novelist (The Foxes of Harrow, The Golden Hawk, The Saracen Blade)
  • 1929 Bob Newhart, Oak Park, Illinois, actor and comedian (The Bob Newhart Show )
  • 1934 Carol Lawrence, Melrose Park, Illinois, actress and singer (West Side Story)
  • 1937 William Devane, Albany, New York, actor (The Missiles of October, Fear on Trial, Greg Sumner on Knots Landing, Hollow Man, Space Cowboys, The Dark Knight Rises)
  • 1940 Raquel Welch, Chicago, Illinois, actress (Fantastic Voyage, One Million Years B.C., The Three Musketeers, Legally Blonde)
  • 1950 Cathy Guisewite, Dayton, Ohio, cartoonist (Cathy comic strip)
  • 1951 Michael Keaton, Coraopolis, Pennsylvania, actor (Beetlejuice, Batman, Batman Returns, Robocop)
  • 1962 Peter Wingfield, Welsh-American actor (Highlander: The Series, Noah’s Ark, Cold Squad, Queen of Swords, Holby City, Caprica, Sanctuary)
  • 1973 Rose McGowan, Italian-American actress and singer (The Doom Generation, Bio-Dome, Jawbreaker, Grindhouse Planet Terror, Charmed, Chosen)
  • 1989 Katerina Graham, Swiss-American actress, singer, and dancer (The Vampire Diaries, Bleachers, Addicted)
  • 1993 Gage Golightly, American actress (The Troop, 5 Days to Midnight, Gone Missing, Backmask, Red Oaks)
  • 1995 Caroline Sunshine, Atlanta, Georgia, actress (Shake It Up! , Marmaduke)

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

“Maybe the truth is, there’s a little bit of loser in all of us. Being happy isn’t having everything in your life be perfect. Maybe it’s about stringing together all the little things.” ― Ann Brashares

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

HISTORICAL HAPPENINGS:

  • 1774 First Continental Congress assembles in Philadelphia, Pennsylvania.
  • 1816 Louis XVIII has to dissolve the Chambre introuvable (“Unobtainable Chamber”).
  • 1836 Sam Houston is elected as the first president of the Republic of Texas.
  • 1839 The First Opium War begins in China.
  • 1882 The first United States Labor Day parade is held in New York City.
  • 1887 Fire at Theatre Royal in Exeter, England killed 186
  • 1906 The first legal forward pass in American football is thrown by Bradbury Robinson of St. Louis University to teammate Jack Schneider in a 22–0 victory over Carroll College (Wisconsin).
  • 1927 The first Oswald the Lucky Rabbit cartoon, Trolley Troubles, produced by Walt Disney, is released by Universal Pictures.
  • 1960 The boxer Muhammad Ali (then Cassius Clay) is awarded the gold medal for his first place in the light heavyweight boxing competition at the Olympic Games in Rome.
  • 1975 In Sacramento, California, Lynette Fromme attempts to assassinate U.S. President Gerald Ford.
  • 1977 Voyager 1 is launched after a brief delay.
  • 1984 The Space Shuttle Discovery lands after its maiden voyage (STS-41-D).
  • 1996 Hurricane Fran makes landfall near Cape Fear, North Carolina as a Category 3 storm with 115 mph sustained winds. Fran caused over $3 billion in damage and killed 27 people.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

The dean was addressing the incoming freshmen. “The women’s dormitory is out-of-bounds for all male students, and the male dormitory to the female students. Anybody caught breaking this rule will be fined $20 the first time. Anybody caught breaking this rule the second time will be fined $60. Being caught a third time will cost you $180. Are there any questions?”

Someone in the back piped up, “How much for a season pass?”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A woman drove a mini-van filled with a dozen screaming kids through the mall parking lot, looking for a space. Obviously frazzled, she coasted through a stop sign.

“Hey, lady, have you forgotten how to stop?” yelled an irate man.

She rolled down her window and yelled back, “What makes you think these are all mine ?”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

ONE-LINERS: Signs You’re Watching too Much TV
Signs you’re watching too much TV

1. The bumper sticker on your car reads: “What Would Dawson Do?”

2. In the middle of an exam, you tell the professor you want to use a lifeline.

3. You need to be tranquilized when the cable goes out.

4. In the late evening, you look forward to sitting back and catching the latest informercial.

5. If you’re a witness to an argument, you instinctually shout, “Jer-ry! Jer-ry! Jer-ry!”

6. You try to impress the opposite sex by saying, “Hey, I get 120 channels!”

7. Your entire CD collection consists of “Greatest Hits” albums by the decade.

8. You have a gold-plated “clicker.”

9. Your intellectual discussions all stem from The Discovery Channel.

10. After 15 minutes of work, you need a two-minute break
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Ten Funky Rules of Marriage

Rule 1. Marriages are made in heaven. But so are thunder and lightning.

Rule 2. If you want your wife to listen and pay strict attention to every word you say, talk in your sleep.

Rule 3. Marriage is grand — and divorce is at least a hundred grand.

Rule 4. In the first year of marriage, the man speaks and the woman listens. In the second year, the woman speaks and the man listens. In the third year, they both speak and the neighbors listen.

Rule 5. When a man opens the door of his car for his wife, either the car is new or the wife is.

Rule 6. Marriage is when a man and woman become as one; The trouble starts when they try to decide which one.

Rule 7. Before marriage, a man will lie awake all night thinking about something you say. After marriage, he will
fall asleep before you finish.

Rule 8. Every man wants a wife who is beautiful, understanding, economical, and a good cook. But the law allows only one wife.

Rule 9. Marriage and love are purely matter of chemistry. That is why a wife treats her husband like toxic waste.

Rule 10. A man is incomplete until he is married. After that, he is finished.

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

pic of the day: Little Lizard in Gourd Birdhouse

lizard picture
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

WARNING! ENTERING THE PUN ZONE!
~ Hemlock: A special attachment on a sewing machine.
~ Money does not talk. It just goes without saying.
~ The tired kangaroo was out of bounds.
~ For my surgery I had to get a local anesthetic. I couldn’t afford the imported kind.
~ Q: What do you get when you cross a policeman with a telegram?
A: Copper wire
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

Little Johnny was shopping with Grandma.

One of the things she tossed in the cart was a package of pantyhose. He sounded out the words “Queen Size” and exclaimed, “Grandma, you wear the same size as our bed!”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A boy asks his father to explain the differences among irritation, aggravation, and frustration.

His father picks up the phone and dials a number at random. When the phone is answered, he asks, “Can I speak to Alf, please?”

“No! There’s no one called Alf here,” says the person who answered the phone.

His father hangs up. “That’s irritation,” he says.

He picks up the phone again, dials the same number, and asks for Alf a second time. “No-there’s no one here called Alf. Go away. If you call again I shall telephone the police,” the person says.

His father hangs up and says, “That’s aggravation.”

“Then what’s frustration?” asks his son. The father picks up the phone and dials the same number a third time.

“Hello, this is Alf. Have I received any phone calls?” he asks casually.
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

LATE NIGHT QUIPS:
~ Over the weekend a hacker got into Apple’s iCloud and leaked nude photos of a number of celebrities, including Jennifer Lawrence and Kim Kardashian. Jennifer wants to sue the hacker for damages, while Kim wants to pay the hacker for his trouble. (Jimmy Fallon )
~ Dr. Phil is 64 years old today. People want to know what to get Dr. Phil. I say if you want to get him something, how about a medical degree? (David Letterman )
~ A Massachusetts man was arrested for illegally keeping over four hundred birds in his home. He tried to keep it a secret, but he couldn’t keep the birds from tweeting about it. (Craig Ferguson)
~ The movie version of The Wizard of Oz is 75 years old. A remake wouldn’t be as good. If Dorothy were to Encounter men with no brain, no heart and no courage, she’d be in Congress. (Alan Ray)
~ Summer is nearly over and it’s back-to-school time. If you can, send your kids to college so they get a degree and at least then they’ll know what kind of work they’re out of. (David Letterman)
~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*

A state trooper pulled a farmer over for speeding, and he was quite rude about it. As he wrote ticket he swatted at some flies buzzing around his head.

Farmer: “Having some problems with circle flies there are ya?”

Trooper: “Is that what they are? I’ve never heard of circle flies.”

Farmer: “They’re common ’round here. We call ’em circle flies because they mostly circle round the back end of a horse.”

Trooper: “Hey! Are you trying to call me a horse’s behind?”

Farmer: “Oh no, officer! I have too much respect for law enforcement.”

(…long pause…)

Farmer: “…Hard to fool them flies, though.”

~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*~~~~~*
QUIP OF THE DAY: He’s so dense, light bends around him.

THAT’S (ALMOST) ALL FOLKS!

Thought for the day. . . A loyal friend laughs at your jokes when they’re not so good, and sympathizes with your problems when they’re not so bad. ~Arnold H. Glasgow

Leave a Reply

Your email address will not be published. Required fields are marked *